Finding Eden (22 page)

I look at him, slightly
stunned. I had honestly thought I could stay away from that subject,
but I guess luck is not on my side.

“
You heard about
that, huh?”

“
I believe most
everyone has heard about it,” he says and I frown at him.

“
That's
unfortunate.”

“
But heed this,
your highness,” he looks at me rather seriously, “it
would be wise if you had more confidence in the decisions you make.
If you don't, then others will doubt you, and soon a coupe will
form.”

I feel my eyes widen, my
mouth falls open and my heart thuds in my chest. A coupe? Against me?
Is that even possible? Would people really do that to me if I didn't
show enough confidence in my decisions?

The man walks away from
me and I stare down at my hands, my brows furrowed in concentration.
I wonder how far into this “confidence” I should go. The
only time I had proved myself was when I had met all the nobles at
the same time, removing all of my great-uncles emotions. Should I be
so over the top this time? Then another question comes to my mind,
who was that man? My mind begins its internal roll of its Rolodex and
I finally recognize the face. My fingers brush the necklace at my
neck and I smile, glad that I've been able to see that man again.

“
Well, I don't know
what she was thinking,” I hear someone whisper.

“
I thought it was a
nice thing she did,” someone else mutters back.

“
It was very
impulsive thing to do. What if all the decisions she makes become
that impulsive?”

There's a moment of
silence.

“
Do you think that
could happen?”

“
Most definitely,”
the man says matter-of-factly, “one impulsive choice almost
always leads to another. That's how it is for humans. I don't see why
it would be any different for her.”

There is a chorus of
agreement.

“
And I think we all
know that impulsive decisions are never good ones.”

I glare at my cup. Surely
they aren't talking about me? But who else would they be talking
about? Out of the corner of my eye I watch Tobi play; watch as he
giggles while his toy horse prances between his legs and around his
feet. Yes, taking him in was an impulsive decision, but it definitely
wasn't a bad one. And I'm going to make sure these people know that.

I walk over to the group
of people I was somehow able to overhear. They see me approach and
their conversation ceases, their eyes fall to the floor. The man who
was saying all those things doesn't look away. He looks right at my
face. He doesn't even lower his eyes with respect.

“
Not every
spontaneous decision is a bad one,” I say. “I will agree,
though, if there is absolutely no thought at all behind the choice
then the outcome is usually a bad one. All of the choices I have made
thus far have not been thoughtless.”

I stare at him for a
moment but I can tell from the look on his face that he isn't
listening to me. I won't be able to convince him at all, at least not
with reason. Hell, from the looks of it he doesn't even respect me,
and no amount of my logic will change that. But something has to.

“
I would appreciate
it if you didn't gossip behind my back,” I hold my head higher
as I say this, “I would also appreciate it if you showed a
little more respect. I am your Queen, and as such, I demand your
respect.”

There is a tense moment.
The man in front of me wavers a second before his gaze, too, drops to
the floor.

“
That's what I
thought.”

I'm slightly taken aback
by my own haughty words. But they held some truth and resonate with
my current thoughts as I walk away from the man. It also doesn't help
that I used my ability to influence him by removing his egotistical
red and brown opinions. Part of my feels guilty, but another part of
me, the bigger part, pushes those thoughts aside and nudges the
corners of my mouth into a smile. Or a sneer. I don't really care
right now.

I feel eyes on me. I
guess that group wasn't the only one that heard me. I hold my head up
and stand as tall as my petite 5' 2” frame will allow me. My
eyes land on every other pair in the room. Something in my eyes, I
don't know what, makes them look away from me. Some look at the
ground, others find their drinks extremely interesting. I'm just glad
they're not looking at me anymore.

“
Serves them
right,” I mumble under my breath.

I walk back to my seat
and rub my temples as the conversations slowly start back up. I don't
even want to be here. I totally spaced this whole thing. At least I
didn't have to plan it. I'm pulled from my space-out session by a
loud shout.

“
Why are you even
here you little derelict?!”

My head snaps up and my
eyes immediately land on the source of the shouting.

Tobi is sitting on the
floor, his toy horse shrinking into his side. A couple of men stand
over him and they don't look happy. At all. They look really, really
pissed. I watch as an arm lifts, the hand attached to it being
brought back. It looks like the man is going to slap Tobi.

I'm halfway across the
room before I even realize it. My fingers wrap around the man’s
wrist like a vise. The room falls into an eerie silence.

“
What do you think
you're doing?”

“
Showing this
miscreant his place.” The man says.

My fingers tighten more
around his wrist, “You will not lay a hand on him.”

I'm pissed. I'm pretty
sure I've never been this mad. This level of rage rivals that of when
Dorian insulted my mom.

“
He isn't the only
homeless kid out there, you know,” The man says. “There
are hundreds. Are you going to take them all in? If you can't help
them all, then you shouldn't play favorites and help only one.”

“
You look at me
like I'm scum,” he wrenches his wrist free, “but I'm not
the one playing favorites. You should have just left him out on the
street.”

I stare at the man and
realize he's right. Am I hurting other children by taking in only
Tobi? Am I that terrible of a person?

“
Auntie Eden?”
Tobi calls for me, but I don't hear him.

I feel a tug on my sleeve
and I swat the nuisance away without looking away from the man in
front of me. A whimper sounds at my feet. I look down. I've swatted
away Tobi, and now he's looking up at me with doleful eyes, tears
threatening. But I don't apologize. I can't. I can't show that
weakness here, not now, not anymore. Then I do the one thing I know I
shouldn't, but do it anyway. I close my eyes to his and I walk away
from him.

There's a tug on my
skirts and his hands furtively try to grasp onto cloth, but I pull
away from him. I hear the mewling behind me and the sloppy, childish
footsteps as they tear from the room.

“
The festival is
canceled,” I say, the quiet room echoing my words, “everyone
leave.”

I watch as the room
empties of its
occupants. The
room is bereft of the gray sadness, green compassion and the shifting
blue loyalty that I know I will have to try to repair later. The
connection I've been trying to ignore stretches and then goes slack
as Sahariel walks over to me across the room, intercepting me.

“
Eden,”
Sahariel's voice stops me in my tracks, stops my fuming, my pacing. I
look over at him.

“
Why did you do
that? Why did you act that way?”

“
What do you mean?”

“
You do that
whenever you're around the royal families. You act like a completely
different person. Why?”

“
I – I don't
know what you're talking about.”

“
Yes you do,”
he says, “you act like a different person. You act like you're
better than everyone else. Like a royal pain in the ass. Do you even
realize what you did to Tobi? I mean, do you really care that much
what those... people think of you? Are you really willing to turn
into that type of person so they accept you?”

“
I don't care if
they accept me.”

“
Yes, you do.”

“
No, I don't.”
I stare at him, my voice on edge, a headache creeping up behind my
eyes, starting to make my head throb.

“
Yes, you do.”
He says back to me. I'm not in the mood for this.

“
Oh, my god, no, I
don't,” I yell at Sahariel, hoping that maybe he will back down
and finally leave me alone. He doesn't.

“
Yes, you do,”
he says, “you're so worried now about being normal and being
accepted by those around you that you've forgotten that the most
important thing is for you to accept yourself, just the way you are.
But you're so concerned on whether or not people will like you,
hoping beyond hope that they don't think you're different. You're so
worried about your looks, how you act. Hell, you're even worried
about your name being a little different from those around you. Yet
those who truly care about you get swatted away or replaced. When
you're around these people, you're so quick to anger that you forget
about the people who actually care about you.”

I stand there and glare
at him. This is the first time him and I have seen each other, and
spoken, in a while. I've missed him and despite that my foul mood
keeps me from admitting he is right. I feel like if I act like a
complete bitch, then they will feel in their hearts and know in their
heads that I am their queen, and all of those nasty looks and
emotions rolling off of them will stop and they might leave me alone.
But it never really occurred to me that Sahariel would notice the
difference. I didn't even notice the difference most of the time. I
would only realize it afterward –only after hearing the
whispers after I've said something I maybe shouldn't have, but no one
says anything against.

Am I really so focused on
making others accept me that I might lose myself in the process?

I stare down at the
floor; the plush red carpeting offers me no support. I feel Sahariel
walk from the room, and all I want to do is fall to the floor and
never get back up.

It's the day after the
festival and I'm not in a terrific mood. People are avoiding me,
which is rather difficult to do since a lot of people are running
about. Which is odd. I stop in my tracks and look around. The castle
is in a rush and I have absolutely no idea why.

“
Do you know what's
going on?” I ask.

“
I know just as
much as you do,” Kal says.

A guard rushes past and I
grab his arm as he goes by.

“
Milady,” the
guard is surprised to see me.

“
What's going on?”

“
The enemy has been
spotted to the east.”

I stand there blinking at
him. What?

“
They've been
spotted and I'm just being told!?”

“
I'm sorry,”
he guard says, “but we just found out.”

He bows and jogs off.

I stand there in shock.
To the east? But how? That's our least fortified position, but they
shouldn't have known that.

“
Oh my god,”
I say, “Don't you remember me telling you not to follow me that
closely?”

“
I'm sorry,”
he says, “but you're making me nervous.”

“
That's because I
need to think.”

I walk away and hear Kal
follow me.

“
Well, I don't mean
to be a bother, but may I ask where it is you're planning on going to
think?”

“
Not here,
obviously.” I look at him with annoyance.

After a few minutes my
irritation has elevated to a breaking point and in my head I begin to
work out schemes in my head on how to lose Kal.

“
I just don't think
you should be wandering around like this,” Kal breaks my
reverie.

“
Hmm?”

“
I just don't think
it's safe for you to be wandering around right now.”

“
And where do you
suppose I should go?” I ask.

“
To the royal
stronghold beneath the city.”