Finding Eden (2 page)

“I won,” Paul said, feeling a compulsive need to point out that his apple went much farther than Danny’s, the competitive streak in him not reserved for sports. “By a long shot.”

“Big fucking deal, hot shot, what’d you want, a gold star for it?” Danny snapped as he ran his hand along the fence. “Are you gonna tell me what happened or not?”

“Oh,” Paul said, pulling a face. “He made me eat them until I liked them.”

Danny shrugged. “That’s not so bad. By your father’s standards that’s almost nice.”

Usually he would have let it go at that since complaining about his life never improved it, but he knew Danny was feeling melancholic about his own father and to make him feel better, Paul clarified, “You remember when I missed a whole week of school in second grade?”

“Yeah, the only year golden boy didn’t get a perfect attendance record. I remember.”

“Apples,” Paul said, raising his eyebrows meaningfully.

“He fucked up your perfect attendance for apples?”

“My father felt learning to appreciate what I was given was more important than school that week. It was an extenuating circumstance. I had to eat them until I puked, then I had to eat them again,” Paul said, shuddering at the memory. “All day, every day—
for a week
.”

“Wow.” Danny gave Paul a stunned look. “That
is
fucked up.”

“I win,” Paul announced, but this time the claim wasn’t born of competitiveness, just a sad reality of how badly his life sucked. He reached into his pocket, pulling out his keys as they reached Paul’s truck, parked behind Danny’s and his father’s cars in the long, circular driveway. He climbed in and then leaned over, opening the passenger side door because the handle on the outside was broken. “We’re late. Evie’ll be waiting for us at the lake. Hurry up.”

Danny got in, jerking the door shut. “How come your childhood didn’t fuck you up? Really, you’re weird for being such a golden boy. Your brothers are both assholes. What the hell happened to you?”

“What makes you think I’m not fucked up?” Paul asked as he drove around the other cars in front of the ranch house and then headed down the driveway that was easily half a mile of white picket fence and horse pasture.

“Maybe you are fucked up,” Danny mused, lifting his eyebrows as he turned to study Paul. “I wish you’d talk Evie into staying here.”

Paul didn’t react to Danny moaning over Paul’s girlfriend leaving. He had long since come to accept they were both in love with the same woman. Danny and Paul had befriended Eve in kindergarten and the three of them were extremely close. It wasn’t surprising they’d both developed feelings for Eve. Not that it made a whole lot of difference at this point. Eve was heading to New York for college while Danny and Paul stayed behind in Tampa. That threat was about to be a dead one.

“She’s got a scholarship,” Paul explained, hating that the pain was actually evident in his voice. It was a strange show of weakness for him. “I can’t hold her back. I won’t do that to her. I love her enough to let her go.”

“Then you’re an idiot.”

“Probably,” Paul agreed sadly as he reached the edge of the Carlow Ranch and looked to Danny. “You want me to open the gate?”

“I got it.” Danny hopped out of the truck and pulled open the gate, his long, lithe, muscular frame carved in light and shadows under the headlights from Paul’s truck. When he got the gate open, Paul pulled out onto the deserted road. Danny locked the gate and then crawled back into the truck. “Then let’s go with her.”

“To New York?” Paul snorted as he began driving. “College starts soon. I’ve already started football practice. I just can’t up and leave.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m committed,” Paul said with a look of disbelief. “Is a sense of responsibility that hard for you to grasp?”

“For love,” Danny challenged. “For Evie. She’s not worth telling a football coach to suck it? I don’t understand you.”

“I can’t go to New York,” Paul said rather than admit he was choosing responsibility over love. “I want to, I do, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“It could be great,” Danny sighed longingly. “It’d be just the three of us. We’d be away from our parents and our fucked-up lives. It’d be like a do-over. We could get an apartment. Split three ways, it wouldn’t be that expensive.”

“Cost of living in New York is outrageous,” Paul argued, hating this discussion because the pain of letting Eve go felt like more than he could bear. There were very few things in this world that could hurt him this intensely. “Can we change the subject? I’d rather talk about apples.”

“Letting her go will be the worst mistake you ever make,” Danny warned. “You’ll never forgive yourself for it.”

“I know that.” Paul felt the pain in his chest blossom and grow to the point that he almost couldn’t breathe. At that moment he hated himself, resenting the person his life had turned him into. He wanted to beg Danny to teach him to be more like him, to somehow undo a lifetime of programming that made Paul obedient to a fault. He wanted to learn how to say “fuck you” to his father rather than “okay” to whatever demands he had. But Paul knew Danny couldn’t teach him to be rebellious any more than Paul could teach him to be complacent. The unfairness of it made Paul angry and he growled under his breath. “Thanks for reminding me, though. I really needed the hourly reminder that I’m fucking up.”

“Excuse me?” Danny snapped, his voice suddenly icy. “I love Evie and I gave her to you without even a fight. Now you’re getting shitty with me because I think you should follow her to New York. You
are
fucked up.”

Paul huffed in frustration. “Look, if you love her so much, you follow her!”

“Do you mean that?” Danny asked, his voice losing its fierceness, the hope unmistakable.

Paul’s heart jolted, knowing if Danny followed Eve they would end up being much more than best friends. For the first time in his life, doing something selfless was impossible for him. Losing both Danny and Eve was too much to bear. Far too much.

There was a vein of selfishness in Paul after all.

He actually stopped the truck in the middle of the long back road and turned to look at Danny in anguish. “I’m supposed to say yes,” Paul whispered, knowing instinctively it was the right choice. Danny was Eve’s best friend too. If he went with her, she wouldn’t be alone. “I’ll be a terrible person if I don’t.”

“Then say yes.”

“But—” Paul licked his lips, not knowing how to convey his emotions in a way that wouldn’t make both of them extremely uncomfortable. “I just—”

“Whatever,” Danny said before Paul could find the right way to articulate his thoughts. “You’d rather let her go alone than let me have her. I get it.”

“I’m an asshole. I’m sorry,” Paul whispered, the self-loathing choking him. “Just the idea of losing both of you. I can’t—”

“Wait,” Danny cut him off, unreadable emotions showing on his handsome face. “You’re worried about losing
me
?”

“Yeah,” Paul said, thankful Danny voiced it out loud instead of him. “Losing my best friend and my girl. My life would suck.”

“Your life already sucks,” Danny said, shock still ringing in his voice.

“I know, and if I lost you and Evie both I wouldn’t want—” Paul stopped, not wanting to finish that thought. He couldn’t admit out loud how much he depended on Danny. One guy didn’t confess to another that being separated from him felt like a fate worse than death. “Just forget it. Evie leaving’s got me crazy.”

Danny was silent for a long time after Paul started driving again. Then out of the blue he whispered into the darkness, “I’d probably hate New York anyway. No fishing.”

Paul couldn’t help the sigh of relief that escaped him. “That’s true. No fishing,” he agreed. “You’d hate that.”

* * * * *

The morning sun cast streaks of pink and purple over the white walls of Danny’s room. Rays of warmth blinded him. He blinked against them, then gave up and rolled over. He pulled the covers up, wondering why he was attempting to wake up to begin with.

It was way too fucking early.

“Danny Boy.”

Danny jerked, getting tangled in the covers as he attempted to turn toward the hushed voice, surprised by the nickname. Only two people in the world called him that. The nicknames started in kindergarten and, despite being juvenile, had stuck because they were just between them.

He blinked, the brightness causing Paul to be fuzzy around the edges, his large, muscular frame silhouetted by flickers of sparkling sunshine, making him look eerily angelic. His eyes glimmered like twin aquamarines. His wheat-blond hair, streaked near white in places from too much sun, was mussed and stood out starkly against his golden, tanned skin. He was incandescently beautiful and Danny studied him as his mind lingered in the dazed place between sleep and reality. He licked his lips in longing as he felt himself get hard.

“Are you awake?” Paul asked, frowning as he dropped to his knees at the edge of Danny’s bed.

“Yeah.” Danny struggled to wake up when he realized Paul really was in his room at the ass crack of dawn. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I just left Evie’s. She’s really leaving today. Forever,” Paul whispered, his eyes lowering as he ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back into place. “I can’t go home. My mom’ll freak if she knows I was at Evie’s all night and if she goes insane, my dad uses it as an excuse. It’ll be a big fucking mess and I got practice today. I just need to rest my eyes for a few hours, then I’ll be out of your hair. ”

“Oh.” Danny rubbed a hand over his face, getting a clearer picture of the situation. He sat up, raising his knees to hide the hard-on that didn’t want to subside and blinked several more times. “Gimme my cigarettes.”

Paul reached over, grabbing them off the nightstand. He opened the pack, pulled one out and then lit the cigarette with the lighter next to the lamp. He blew the smoke out shakily, his breathing a bit uneven, his eyes still glimmering in the sunlight.

He held it out after a few puffs, but Danny shook his head. “Go ahead and keep it.” He lit his own cigarette, tilting his head back to blow the smoke toward the ceiling. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Paul said numbly, still smoking, an indulgence for him. He gave them up when football started to be more than a passing phase. Danny hadn’t seen him take more than a few puffs since sophomore year. Paul slid down, sitting on the floor, his back against the bed. “I feel like I’ve lost my heart, that it can’t even beat anymore. I dunno how I’m gonna survive without her.”

Paul was rarely prone to dramatics. Seeing him so emotionally raw left Danny floundering. He picked up his ashtray off the nightstand and then crawled out of bed. Setting the ashtray between them, he sat shoulder to shoulder with Paul, not really knowing how to make him feel better.

“I pulled some bass out of the pond in the back,” he finally said.

“Yeah?” Paul asked, his voice heavy and flat, but he turned to look at Danny curiously. “We haven’t caught anything from your pond in years.”

“I know.” Danny rubbed his eyes once more, attempting to wake up more fully. He was sitting there in his underwear, never a great plan with Paul around, and was still half hard, but he was a little too tired to give a fuck. “We could try it out later if you want. Bought some bait yesterday.”

“Okay,” Paul agreed, tapping his cigarette against the palm of his hand, the embers glowing against his calloused skin.

Danny stared at his palm, smelled the first hint of burning flesh and pulled a face. That was a trick Paul used to do in middle school and it was still equal parts disturbing and impressive.

“I have an ashtray.” Danny pointed to it on the floor. “That sorta freaks me out, Paul Guy.”

“Pussy,” Paul snorted, the echo of his father sounding in his voice, as if he didn’t have any other way to function.

He was falling back on programming instead of the compassionate personality that made him an oddity in his family. Danny recognized the survival mechanism for what it was, and decided a little burnt flesh was the least of Paul’s problems.

He just smoked with him in silence, smelling the decadent tang of sex and sweat on Paul, knowing he probably fucked Eve all night. It was a strange moment for Danny, his heart being broken over Eve leaving, while soaring over the knowledge he had Paul to himself now. Not that it made tons of difference. He would never get what he really wanted from him.

Paul was his dirty secret, his clandestine indulgence.

Danny was so in love with him, he willingly let Paul date Eve rather than hurt him. He understood Paul’s position more than he realized. He practically wrote the book on loving enough to let go. At least he knew Eve liked cock. Paul had absolutely no interest. Choosing to cater to Paul had left Danny in the miserable position of loving two people more than air and having neither.

Oftentimes Danny wondered if he liked men
because
of Paul. If his secret indulgence in cock was a pathetic attempt at a replacement. The same could be said for Eve and his tendency to go from one shallow cheerleader to the next. Danny’s reality was one meaningless sexual encounter after another with admirers who would never be able to give him what he really craved.

Still half asleep, with the scent of sex literally bleeding off Paul, Danny was actually dizzy with the wave of adrenaline-induced desire that washed over him. It took huge amounts of willpower not to turn to Paul and comfort him the only way he knew how.

“You probably need some sleep,” Danny finally said as he reached over and put out his cigarette. “Come lie down with me for a little bit.”

“I’ll just sleep on the floor,” Paul said, stubbing out the cigarette in his palm, not even flinching at the burn. “Your father really
will
think we’re boyfriends.”

Danny couldn’t help the way his shoulders stiffened in defensiveness impossible to hide this early in the morning. “Ask me if I give a shit what he thinks.”

Paul dusted his hand, doing it carefully over the ashtray, being vigilant not to get any ashes on the ground despite the fact Danny’s room was less than clean. “Whatever,” he finally sighed.