Finding Evan (19 page)

I walk on, my mind a whirling mess of confusion. Evan strides to catch up and he reaches out a hand, curls his fingers around mine. I stop and pretend I’m watching the meerkats when I’m fighting my need to bury my head in his chest and feel strong arms around me, have Evan tell me everything will be okay.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking, Ness. About us. Can we try again?” He touches my face, eyes, searching for answers in mine.

“I’m sorry.”

The words are barely audible, but Evan smiles and rubs a finger across my lips. Something very Evan, a gesture he used all the time when we were together. “We’re both to blame.”

I look back to the meerkats. “So what now?”

Evan gently takes my arm and turns me towards him. His mouth hovers close to mine, and I know I’m lost. I know this is really what I want. Him. “Can I kiss you?”

I don’t move or speak, and he places his lips gently on mine. Withdrawing, he cups my face in his hands. “I love you. I want to be with you. I don’t care if what has happened is why you’re here. Because I get the chance to tell you once more what you mean to me. Ness, you’re my world. The stars went out the day I
realized we were over. I wasn’t prepared for how much being without you would hit me.”

I push my mouth against his, regaining the lost familiarity of Evan’s lips, and he holds the back of my head, kissing me softly. He’s right. Whatever we decide to do, what happened ties our lives. There’s always going to be an us now. Just what sort of us remains to be seen.

“I know we have a lot to talk about, but can we have a few hours where we don’t?” I ask.

“The baby?”

I cringe at the words coming from Evan’s mouth, and in response, perspiration breaks out on my forehead. He’s said the word. Made everything happening real. “Let’s see the butterflies. That’s why we’re here?”

Evan stares at me for a moment then takes my hand and squeezes it. “Okay, we’ll talk about this later?”

Honestly, all I want is to go home, because each passing moment, the dizziness increases. The emotion of the last conversation, of possibly regaining Evan, hasn’t helped. But we can’t leave without returning to the place linking ourselves to the old Ness and Evan.

The heat from inside the butterfly house stifles my already short breath, and the world morphs in and out of view as I lean against a wooden handrail, focusing on staying conscious. The multi-
colored butterflies flit around the humid room. A large blue one perches on the edge of a pink hibiscus, seeming distant the more my light-headedness increases. I look back to Evan, whose face is as bright as the first day we came here, his arm across my shoulders. We’re not fixed, but I guess we’re not shattered into pieces anymore.

“I think I need to sit down,” I whisper to him.

Evan’s eyes fill with concern and he touches my forehead. “You look worse; it’s too hot in here. Let’s get you some water.”

A sharp pain in my back doubles me over and I grab Evan’s hand. “I think I’m going to faint.”

The world blackens.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

EVAN

The poster on the hospital waiting room wall advises the dangers of smoking. I’ve read the words dozens of times in an attempt not to think. I should call Abby, but I don’t know her number, and the doctors have Ness’s phone. They found her parents’ number on the phone and contacted them, but they live hours away. So I sit alone and wait for news.

When Ness collapsed, I thought she’d just fainted, but when she remained unconscious, I panicked. She didn’t come around properly at all, not when the paramedics came, not in the ambulance, and not as they wheeled her into the hospital. All I could do was watch this nightmare scene playing out in front of me. Something is really wrong; however calm the medical staff try to be, I know this is serious. I want to ask them if she’s going to die, but can’t bring myself to say the words.

A doctor comes into the waiting room through the double doors from the Emergency department. She doesn’t look much older than me. Ness in a few years’ time? I’m ushered into a side-room. This isn’t good. Please let her be all right.

The blonde-haired doctor sits on a desk chair opposite the one I cautiously sit on. “Ness’s pregnancy was ectopic.”

I stare at her blankly, noticing the smiley face stickers on Dr. Louise Greenwood’s name badge. I wonder if they put those on there for the children to look at. I don't know what the hell she's talking about.

“Ectopic pregnancies are where the embryo grows in the fallopian tube instead of the womb.” She continues, “It’s difficult to differentiate from an early miscarriage, although she will have had symptoms. Did she mention backache or bleeding recently?”

I don’t need a fucking science lesson. I just need to know if Ness is okay. “She found out she was pregnant a couple of days ago. Was going for scans. I don’t understand what you’re telling me. How is she?”

The doctor smiles serenely. I wonder if they learn this in med school – how to put someone at ease when you’re about to tell them something bad.

“She’s in surgery. The fallopian tube ruptured and she has severe internal bleeding. That’s why she collapsed.”

I sink my head into my hands and grip my hair. Internal bleeding. Like they say on the news. How people die. “Is she going to be okay?”

“We’re looking after her.”

I look up. “That doesn’t answer my question.”

“She’s very unwell, but she’s here, and we’re looking after her.”

Images of Ness lying on the floor, in the ambulance, and images of her on an operating table constrict my chest. I heave in a breath.

“Can you leave me alone, please?” I ask quietly. I don’t want this doctor to say anymore to me. This is enough.

“Okay. I’ll let you know when she’s out of surgery.”

The doctor’s scrubs rustle as she stands; the door clicks as she leaves the room.

A life empty of Ness when I knew she lived across the city was bad enough, but a world where Ness doesn’t exist, I couldn’t cope with. I clamp my mouth together, stopping the yell threatening to come out, and squeeze my eyes closed. I can’t cry. I don’t want to. But I do.

***

An LCD clock above the reception desk illuminates the time in huge numbers. Time crawls by as people pass in and out of the waiting room. Sick toddlers with concerned mums, a kid in school uniform with his leg wrapped in a bandage, an elderly man with his daughter…so many people. I’m angry because they get to leave again, and Ness is still here.

The day darkens, but I barely notice under the neon strip-lights. Nobody has spoken to me about Ness since the doctor, and that was hours ago. I sit stiffly, repeating over and over in my mind, ‘let her be okay’.

Ness’s parents arrive. The same doctor ushers them into a room, and I sit in the same waiting room chair, re-reading the same poster. How will they react? Not only did I get their daughter pregnant, but the pregnancy almost killed her. I want to run, but staying here is the only option.

They reappear, and Ness’s mum’s face is tear-streaked and puffy. I shift and stare at my feet as they come over.

“Did she know?” Her dad’s voice is harsh, and he’s looking at me as if I’m something he scraped off his shoe.

“Yes. She just found out. Is she okay? They won’t tell me.”

“She will be. No thanks to you.”

I don't care. He can drag me out of this room and beat me to a pulp for doing this to his daughter. All I feel is the tide of relief that Ness is okay.

Ness’s mum grips his arm. “James…don’t make a scene. Not here. This isn’t just Evan’s fault.”

“Stupid bloody kids!”

A woman with a baby on her lap looks around at us and I stand, moving to the opposite end of the waiting room. Away from her. Away from them. Ness’s mum follows me.

“He’s upset.”

And I’m not
?
“When can we see her?”

“James doesn’t want you to.”

“What? Ness would want me to! I have to see her!”

“You need to give him time to calm down. Maybe go home and come in the morning.”

Am I speaking a foreign language? How the fuck does she think I can do this? “I’m not going anywhere!”

Ness’s mum chews on her bottom lip. At least her eyes are sympathetic. “I didn’t think you two were together anymore?”

“We weren’t. But we are now.”

“Because of the…”

I fix my eyes on her tearful ones. “Because I love her. Because I can’t stand to lose her.”

She glances back to her husband. “I’m sorry. Maybe when Ness is conscious she can tell James she wants you.”

As she walks back across the waiting room, I sink down in the chair, wrap my arms around my head, and fight the tears of my own.

Chapter Thirty

NESS

Am I dreaming? I fight to wake, but my eyes don’t want to open. Unfamiliar voices and noises fill the usual silence of my bedroom, and I struggle to catch up with where I am. The pillow I’m lying on crinkles: not my pillow. And I can’t move my arm; I’m attached to something.

Focusing my blurred vision, I stare at a white ceiling and turn my head to see machines monitoring me. Hospital. I scramble for my last conscious memories, but they’re vague. How am I here? Maybe I had a car accident and have memory loss because I feel as if I’ve been run over by a bus. I want to sit up but can’t move.

No. I remember. I was with Evan. And the butterflies. And I fainted.

“Ness?”

I’m suddenly aware of others in the room, my mum’s voice.

I turn my head towards the voice. Mum is sitting on an orange bucket seat close to the bed.

“What happened?” My voice is a whisper.

Mum leans over and strokes my head, and I notice Dad stands in the corner, arms crossed and face drawn tight.

“You’re a medical student and you don’t see the symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy?” She smiles through her tears. “You collapsed. They’ve operated.”

Ectopic pregnancy? None of this seems real
. The sounds around are distorted and I can’t focus on my mum’s face properly. It’s as if I’m watching myself in a weird nightmare.

“Where’s Evan?” I ask.

Mum turns to Dad and he shakes his head at her. Has Evan left me? He wouldn’t.

“He’s outside. Your dad is pretty angry,” she says as if he’s not in the room.

“I want to see him.”

There’s a low and insistent conversation between my parents where I gaze at the ceiling, fighting tears, desperate for Evan to be with me. They can’t stop him, surely. Do next of kin get the final say in who sees me? A few kisses and awkward goodbyes later, they leave. We’re not the most demonstrative of families; if I’m going to get physical comfort, it won’t come from them.

A few minutes later, Evan appears. As soon as he steps into the room, my tears start, and he hesitates. The poor guy looks like crap; his hair is sticking up, presumably from doing the constant Evan thing of pushing his hand through when he’s stressed. He’s pale, and under the bright hospital lights, his red-rimmed eyes are huge as he stares at me. My love for this man surges through my aching body.

“I’ve waited in the hospital all night for you to want to see me. I wasn’t sure if you would, but...”

“I wanted you as soon as I opened my eyes,” I interrupt.

“Will I hurt you if I touch you?” he asks hoarsely. “Because if I come over there, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop myself from holding you and never letting go.”

“Come here, please.”

Evan sits on the bed and gingerly takes hold of me, as if I might break. I push my face into him, inhaling his scent, removing me from where I am and back to happier places. It hurts when I move my arms to embrace him, pain shooting through my side, but it hurts more not to hold him. I cry into his T-shirt, rubbing my nose against the soft material. I never want to let him go.

“I thought I’d lost you,” he whispers into my hair, “really lost you.”

My foggy brain can’t keep up; the safety of his arms halts my tears and lulls me back to sleep before I can respond.

***

I jerk awake as someone touches me, and my mind scrambles. Where am I? A young nurse
, with bobbed brown hair, smiles down, friendly eyes calming my alarm.

“I’m just checking your obs,” she says quietly, wrapping a cuff around my arm. “Sorry to wake you.”

I rub my forehead with my other hand, remembering. I woke before and Evan was there.

The nurse stands back and picks up the clipboard from the end of my bed. “Who’s sleeping beauty?” she asks as she writes.

“Who?”

The nurse inclines her head to the corner of the room. Evan. Asleep in a bright orange bucket chair, head slumped forward. “I told him to go home last time I came in, but he refused.”

Any doubt about Evan’s love is wiped away by the sight of him asleep here. Waiting for me.

“Evan. Has he been here long?”

“He’s been hanging around since they first brought you in a couple of days ago. Poor guy really needs to go home and get some sleep. We’ve told him you’re okay. Maybe if you tell him?” She grins. “Devoted guy.”

Her words sting. Yes, and look what I did to him for weeks. “Can you wake him up?”

“Of course.” The nurse goes over and touches Evan gently on the shoulder. He looks up at her in confusion, and then glances towards me. With another smile in my direction, the nurse leaves the room.

“You look like crap,” I say.

“You don’t look so hot yourself.” He rubs his eyes and grins.

“Nice…”

Evan picks the chair up and places it next to the bed. He strokes my cheek. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired. Confused. Sore.” Pain engulfs me as I shift to look at him and his eyes widen in alarm as this pain registers on my face.

“I came in to see you before; I’m not sure if you remember?”

I reach a hand to touch his cool cheek. “I remember. Was that today?”

“No, two days ago.”

I blink
. The idea of being out of things for so long frightens me. How bad was this?

“You’ve been here for two days?” I ask hoarsely.

“Mostly.” Evan’s shoulders slump. “This past couple of days have been hell. I never want to go through this again.”

“Funnily enough, neither do I.”

Taking hold of my hand, Evan kisses my palm. “Not just the past day. The past two days. The past six weeks. Without you.”

“I’m too tired, Evan. To talk about the past.”

He shakes his head. “The past is gone. I’m more interested in the future.” Something about the way he says this suggests he’s not just talking about us.

“A future us?”

“If you still want to, now you’re not...” Evan looks down at the bedclothes.

“Pregnant?”

I don’t think he means to, but he winces at the word. “Yeah.”

I'm not sure I'm up to this conversation now. I spy a water jug on the nearby table. "Can you get me a drink, please?"

Evan looks confused for a moment, then pours me a glass of water and hands it to me. I sip. Even though it's warm, it feels good to wash away the dryness in my mouth. Evan's gaze is fixed on me, as if I might disappear if he looks away. I take a deep breath. He deserves an explanation, and he’s waited long enough. I summon the energy.

“When you explained Christmas, I
realized how stupid and stubborn I’d been, what I nearly threw away.” Touching my cheek with the tip of his fingers, Evan just stares at me. Doesn’t say a word. But he doesn’t need to. I place my hand on top of his. “One thing you can never hide from me, even when you think you’ve buried everything, is how you feel. I see it in your eyes. Every time.”

“What do you see now?” he says quietly.

“Your heart.”

Evan blinks. “That’s because I’ve fallen in love with you over and over since we met, and there’s never been a single day when I haven’t thought about you. So when I look at you, I can’t hide. My heart won’t let me.”

My eyes fill with tears. “Of course you’ll be able to explain more eloquently than me. Jeez.” I lie back on the pillow.

Evan shifts towards me. “It’s true, Ness. I love you. I’ve quoted you poetry plenty of times, but the love I read about in books didn’t make sense until I met you. I’ve found someone who gave the word definition.”

“I can’t imagine life without you,” I whisper, telling him and myself what I’ve known for weeks. “I love you.”

Evan’s eyes fill with a lost hurt, and I don’t understand why until he speaks. “I spent a few hours imagining the worst, thinking I was facing a life without you. I’m not going anywhere again.”

He kisses away a tear from my cheek, one I hadn’t notice fall.

“Do you know where I never want to go again?” I ask.

“Where?”

“I never want you to take me to the butterfly house again. Ever.”

“But you’ll still be my butterfly girl?” he asks frowning, but a small smile is growing.

“As long as you keep the poetry coming, I won’t be able to resist your charms. Apparently.”

Evan bends over the bed and kisses my cheek. I close my eyes and his soft lips touch my eyelids before resting on my mouth. Gently, he kisses me, and I wind my heavy arms around his neck, wanting him to stay.

“You’ll have to excuse the lack of poetry right now though; my brain is a bit broken,” he whispers.

At that moment, I know things have changed, that whatever happens, we are connected. We’re enmeshed. Every time something tries to pull us apart, the world pushes us together harder. I don’t think that’ll ever change. We might fall to pieces, but I think we’ll always stick back together somehow. We will never have a happy ending, because I believe however hard the world tries, we won’t end.