Finding Grace: A Novel (50 page)

“
I’m tired. Very tired.
I’ve been up since early this morning, but I don’t have the energy
to get through the day anymore.”

He smiled a little. “Well I can’t imagine
why.”

She started to get up, and right away he was
there to support her. For once she let him, feeling it would hurt
his feelings if she pushed him away. When she was steady on her
feet, helped by the use of her cane, she looked at him and tried to
smile.

“
Maybe you should go home
and get some rest yourself. I’m sure you’re exhausted after these
last several days. I’ll make excuses to Alice for you not having
lunch.”

“
Are you sure you don’t
need me to stay? I hate the idea of you being alone with those
people. Excuse me for saying it like that, but I can’t help
it.”

She shook her head. “I’ll be all right, I
promise. Besides, Jack and Alice are here if I need them. They’ve
always been my champions when I’ve needed them, especially where it
concerns my folks.”

His eyes were full of doubt. But his frame
relaxed, signaling his consent to her wishes. Glancing about,
seeing no watching eyes, he leaned in close, his voice soft. “I’ll
stop by in the morning.” He kissed her sweetly. Then with a
reluctant expression, he left her.

It was painful to watch him go. And yet it
was a relief to know he wouldn’t have to watch all of this,
worrying as much as he did. Now all she wanted was to rest. Without
calling for anyone, she went to her room to lie down, losing
herself in a few hours of sleep.

* * * * *

That night, supper was a rather quiet
affair, except for some polite talk between Alice and Rachel. Grace
could see the rift between the two women was mending, and though
she was glad for them, she couldn’t help wondering where her place
was in the entire peace process. She watched her mother as she
asked questions about the baby. And all the time she wondered. Why
can you make nice with your daughter-in-law, but not with me? But
it was useless to voice such a question. She knew the answer would
only lead to more disappointment, and she’d had her fill of
that.

As for her father, he hardly said anything.
He seemed nervous, always fidgeting and pulling at his collar. When
he silently let himself out into the back yard, where he sat on the
step and smoked a pipe, Rachel turned to Jack with an apologetic
expression.

“
He’s never been in a place
like this. I think he feels cooped up, like a critter locked in a
cage. He’ll feel better when we get on back home.”

Grace found a steady enough voice to ask,
“How soon will that be?”

Rachel’s voice was meek. “Tomorrow.”

“
Isn’t that a little soon?”
asked Jack.

Rachel looked down at her hands, which
rested around the cup she held. “There are so many things to do at
home. We can’t stay away for long.”

“
There’s time for work, but
no time for your daughter, is that how it goes?” His tone was
sharp. “Nice to know some things haven’t changed.” He rose to his
feet swiftly, leaving the room before his mother or anyone else
could stop him.

Grace waited to hear her mother’s reaction,
part of her hoping that his words had prompted her to say something
about the shooting. She wanted to hear her mother say how badly she
felt about it, give some sign of deep concern to let her daughter
know that Jack wasn’t the only person she was thinking of. Yes, her
mother had a right to hope for healing in that relationship. Jack
was, after all, her firstborn child. And wasn’t that part of what
you wanted? Grace asked herself. Isn’t that why you had Henry bring
them here?

It was part of the reason. And yet, some
desperate part of her soul wanted to claim some of that affection
for herself. A little light of hope flickered in her, and she
looked at her mother in anticipation, hoping she would look at her
in return.

“
How he must hate the both
of us,” replied Rachel.

Grace sighed, feeling that little light of
hope dim. Even now, it was all about someone else…all about Jack.
As much as she adored her older brother, she couldn’t help but feel
a sharp pain of jealousy.

To Jack’s words, Alice spoke up. “He doesn’t
hate you. Jack can’t hate anyone, no matter how he tries to put on
an act.”

Rachel nodded. “He’s a good boy,” she said.
“He always was. And I’m glad he has a woman who makes him happy,
and a baby on the way. He deserves such good things in his
life.”

Grace scooted back slightly, the noise
disrupting the sentiment of the moment that threatened to drive her
mad. But she kept herself collected, her face calm and her voice
cool. “I’m really tired, so I’m going to bed. Good night.”

Her rest was fitful. Once, she heard
footsteps at her door and she shut her eyes, pretending to sleep.
Jack and Alice were in the doorway for a few moments, and then they
were gone, and in all honesty she was glad. Not that she was angry
with them. But she didn’t want them coming in with sweet words of
understanding. The idea of it was nauseating, and the last thing
she wanted was to feel worse.
Sometime in the night, she found she couldn’t lay still anymore.
She needed fresh air, to clear her head from all her troubled
thoughts, and she wanted to creep out to the front porch swing and
sit in the dark. As she crept down the stairs, she heard voices
coming from the living room, and quickly realized it was her mother
and father. They had chosen to sleep on the living room floor on
blankets, almost as if they were sleeping outdoors on a hunt,
rather than sleeping in a strange bed. As she neared the bottom of
the stairs she listened. She quickly realized they were talking
about her.

“
Doc Smith could have taken
better care of her,” said John. “I don’t trust no big city doctor
for anything. None of this would’ve happened to her if she had
stayed at home where she belonged.”

“
I just praise God she's
all right. But if she’d just gone on and married Charlie, instead
of making such a fuss about it, she would've never been hurt in the
first place. She always was bull-headed.”

She sat there listening. Then after a few
moments more, she turned and went back to her room, sinking back to
her bed.

She was sick of fighting the good fight.
Tired of fighting for their love and her own independence. Worn to
the bone from all that her life had become in these last weeks…weak
of heart and soul, she dropped her arms on her pillow and cried,
the sound of a soul broken in two. For many long minutes she wrung
her heart dry. And when it was over, a little voice spoke inside
her head.

Love me then, or hate me,
as you will. You have my full and free
forgiveness
.

And they
did
have it.

Clarity washed over her soul. A strange kind
of peace descended on her heart as she came to a great
conclusion…

They would never love her as she needed them
to, no matter how much time went by. And after all the misery she’d
endured, she just didn’t give a damn anymore.

It was time to lift all the burdens from her
soul. To clean out her life, in a manner of speaking. She needed to
go away…far away, where there were no memories. She needed to be
alone, to find happiness for herself. On her own. Looking to others
for happiness? Bah! It was like trying to grasp sand, only to have
it slip through her fingers.

Sand, she thought. The word triggered a
memory. With some effort she sat up. Reaching over to the bed stand
and pulling open the drawer, she rifled through it and pulled out a
little card…the one that Henry’s Great Aunt and Uncle had given to
her the night of the show. It had been in her pocket the night
she’d gone to the hospital. The day she’d come home, she’d thrown
it in the drawer without a thought for it. Now she looked down at
it, reading…

The Little Palm Inn
350 Ocean Drive
Key Largo, Florida
Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Stanton, Proprietors

* * * * *

She could smell breakfast cooking, but she
didn't get out of bed. She imagined her mother downstairs cooking.
Alice was probably there with her, showing her mother-in-law the
ease of a modern kitchen…just as she’d once done for her. Part of
her wanted to see it.

But then she remembered last night. And
thinking of it, she ignored the impulse to get up, turning her head
back into her pillow and squeezing her eyes shut.

There was a light rap at the door. Then
Jack’s voice called to her.

“
Baby sister, are you
coming down to eat?”

She was silent, ignoring him in the hopes
that he would go and leave her alone. But a moment later the door
opened, and he poked his head in.

“
They’re leaving after
breakfast. You should at least come to say goodbye. Or good
riddance. Whichever you prefer.”

Still she didn’t answer. Perhaps sensing her
feelings, he left with a quiet closing of the door. After he’d
gone, she lay there for some time, wishing she could just hide
under the covers and disappear.

It was sunrise before she
finally moved.
I’m not going to hide up
here like a scared rabbit,
she thought. She
got up, and slowly she washed and dressed, all the time wondering
if someone would come to check on her. No one did. And she said to
herself,
No one cares
. For a moment she wallowed in self-pity. There was a burn of
tears in her eyes. But she took a deep breath, shaking her
head.

I’ve never felt sorry for myself for long.
Why should this be any different?

For courage, she thought of passage from her
favorite book. It had always served her in times of crisis. She
turned to it once again…

I care for myself. The more solitary, the
more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect
myself…

Soon she was standing by the front door.
Jack was about to leave to take their folks to the train station.
Standing beside him, she watched as their mother came forward, and
a moment later she felt a light kiss on her temple. But it was
strange to feel so disconnected to someone. The gesture felt so
empty, like kissing herself in the mirror. Her father’s response
was even cooler. He didn’t bother with a false gesture of
affection. He just nodded his head, and nothing more. Somehow, the
brutal honesty of his feelings was rather satisfying. It gave her
closure where he was concerned. And now, it was all over and done.
Before she quite knew it, they were driving away and out of her
life. Not for the last time, she was sure. There would come a day
when she would see them again.

But never again would there be a bond there
to hold them to each other. It was as if she’d been severed from
them with a sharp object. That wound was deep. Maybe it would never
heal completely. But she vowed she wouldn’t bleed to death from it.
And starting now, maybe she could at least dull the pain of it…with
time, and distance. A lot of distance.

Standing next to Alice, they watched the car
as it drove away. Alice sighed.

“
I never thought to hear
it,” she said. “But last night, Jack agreed that at least once a
year at Easter, we would bring the baby to them for a
visit.”

Grace felt miles away, but managed to
respond. “No fooling?”

Alice nodded. “He made it clear that he was
just doing it for the baby. But I think there’s a tiny spot in his
soul that knows it’s good for everyone.”

Grace nodded, and tried to smile, though it
was forced and weak.

“
That’s as it should
be.”

She felt Alice’s eyes searching her, and she
took a little breath and spoke before Alice could.

“
I’m still not feeling so
well. I think I’m going to lie back down for a while.”

Alice sounded concerned. “You didn’t come
down for breakfast. Are you sure you wouldn’t like something to
eat?”

Grace shook her head. “I’m not hungry. Just
tired.”

When she turned and went back into the
house, she could not hold back the sigh that escaped her, and Alice
put a gentle but firm hand on her arm, turning her to look at her
face.

"Something is on your mind, and don't try to
tell me otherwise. I know you too well." She waited a moment for a
reply, and when none came, she gave voice to her own assumption.
"It's your parents, isn't it?"

Grace sank down on the sofa and put her head
in her hands, letting out a deep and trembling breath. "It's them,
it's Jack, it's Charlie…it's everything."

She felt Alice's gentle touch on her
shoulder, but now, even that was little comfort. There could be
comfort in only one place, and it was in solitude. She could not
recall the last time she had been alone and at peace. At home, she
had found peace in her long walks through the woods and hills, with
only herself and perhaps her dog, who was ever the blissfully
silent companion. Now she felt trapped, and the need to escape was
overwhelming.

"I'm going away for a little while.” She
lowered her hands from her face and brought them into a folded
position under her chin.

"Away?" asked Alice, a note of concern in
her voice. "Where?"

"Key Largo.”

Alice's mouth fell slightly open. "Are you
serious?"

Grace nodded, and Alice began grappling for
answers.

"How in the world did you decide on that? Do
you know how far away it is?"

"I do. I found it on a map. It was Henry's
Great Aunt and Uncle who invited me to come when I felt the need.
They have a little hotel there. And as for being far away, that’s
exactly what I want right now.”