Finding Justus (14 page)

As Justus looked out to the morning sky, she allowed herself to remember that turbulent day when she left the only home she had ever known. She’d felt hatred for both her grandparents, and distrust and betrayal toward her mother. She had gathered together all her meager saving
s and bought a bus ticket. Justus led her mother to believe she was going to New York City, knowing full well she was really heading west. She had planned on getting as far west as she could. She wanted to be somewhere warm, like Texas, Nevada, or Arizona, near her father’s family.

When she arrived at the bus station, she realized she could only afford to go as far west as St. Louis. She had only planned on staying there for a few months, just long enough to get a job, get ahead and get another bus
ticket farther west. However, it turned out all the efficiency hotels had been more expensive than she’d thought and waitressing in a city was a lot harder than it had been at the diner in the small town she’d came from.

After a hectic month and a half of being a waitress at a very busy Italian restaurant, she’d searched the classifieds looking for something better. She had thought she’d found it in an ad that read, “Be a professional beautician in just nine short months,” along with an address belonging to a beauty school. She smiled to herself now at what she had found at beauty school instead of a career. Her best friend. K
rystal and Aunt Judy were the only family Justus had, but they were closer to her than any of her blood relatives had ever been.

Justus cleared her mind and got back to the issue at hand, the one that was really bothering her, and the real reason she was thinking about her past with her
mother. Miguel. She was thinking about telling him everything because she knew if she kept seeing him, even though it would only be for a short while, it was going to come up.

It inevitably came up with every person she dated. It was only natural to talk about family. She knew she needed to tell Miguel for some reason, that somehow it would help her. She also knew she didn’t want to lie to him.

Lying was too much like running away and she was tired of running. She didn’t have anything to hide anymore, and she shouldn’t be ashamed of what happened, but she was. With Miguel she felt different than she’d felt with others she’d dated. She felt like she was home. Safe and like she’d finally found something she didn’t even know she’d been looking for. That scared the hell out of her.

She’d felt it the first time she’d spoke to Miguel, the first time she’d danced with him. That was why she’d tried so hard to be hateful to him, because in a lot of ways, she didn’t want to feel this way, she didn’t want it to feel so good. It was a scary decision, but she’d known the first time he kissed her she could tell him about her past and he would understand.

It wouldn’t surprise Justus if Miguel tried to help her in every way he could. Justus had never told anyone about her past except Krystal and her aunt. Justus had never felt close enough or comfortable enough to tell Alex. She supposed if she had married him, she would have told him eventually.

Justus fluffed her pillows and rolled onto her side. Maybe now
that she’d mulled over such heavy subjects she could go back to sleep. She only hoped her resolve to be honest with Miguel didn’t diminish when she saw him later in the day.

***

“Justus, hey Jus,” Krystal said as she gently shook her. “Wake up, sleepyhead. It’s almost lunchtime.”

“Hmmm…Oh, I didn’t sleep very well last night,” she mumbled sleepily as she forced herself up to a sitting position. “Had nightmares, mostly about Miguel,” she added around a yawn.

“Huh, that’s too bad. Especially since he’s already come by once this morning.” Justus stopped mid-stretch, her arms on either side of her head. “He did? What’d he say? What did he want?”

Krystal pretended to be fixing her hair in the mirror above the dresser.

“Well, he wanted to know if you were feeling any better,” she said as she cut her eyes at Justus in the mirror.

“So, what did you say?”

“I came as close to the truth as possible, I didn’t know how you were feeling, since you were still asleep. He said to let him know if he could do anything to help and he would probably stop back by to check on you this afternoon.”

Justus groaned, flung herself on the bed and covered her head.

“What’s wrong? Did Miguel suddenly turn into a toad? Or do you have cold feet?”

“I don’t know what to think, Krystal. Last night I,” she stopped herself. Wait, did she want to tell Krystal about her dream about Miguel being with another woman? Did she want to tell her she suspected another guy could be playing her for a fool? Did she really want to cry on the shoulder of someone who rarely had this problem? Krystal had had her share of losers, but she’d never been played a fool in sequence. No, as much as she loved Krystal, and as much as she valued her advice, this was one time when she would not be seeking the counsel of her best friend.

“Last night what?”

“I don’t know. It’s hard for even me to understand, I don’t think I could explain it to anyone else. So,” she said as she sat up, “have you had lunch yet?”

Krystal looked at her strange but said nothing impolite. “Nope, got any good ideas?”

“How ‘bout room service and we can eat it on the verandah.”

Shortly after they were on their patio, there was a knock at their door.

“Wow! That was fast,” Justus said, as she headed for the door.

She glanced out the peephole before opening the door. She let out an involuntary gasp. What she saw through the small, distorted opening was surprising.

One of the crew members was holding a large basket with flowers and a teddy bear. She opened the door, and accepted the flowers, feeling guilty. Justus quickly shut the door behind her and looked at her gift before Krystal had time to discover it.

The bouquet consisted of a dozen long-stemmed white roses. How did he know to send her favorite flower? Justus noticed that next to the flowers, on the handle of the basket sat a small teddy bear with one leg in a cast holding a balloon that read, ‘get well soon.’ With shaking hands she reached for the card attached to the flowers.

Hope to see you back on your feet and dancing again soon.

Miguel

Justus stared at the card and the gift until they were blurry images in front of her. Tears filled her eyes, and confusion swept over her mind and heart. She didn’t know what she should do, what to believe, or most of all, how to feel.

On one hand she wanted nothing more than to search this ship until she found Miguel and once she was there she would no longer fight the desires of her body. But then the fears returned.

She had after all, trusted someone wholeheartedly once, and look at where that had gotten her. Justus had been lied to by someone whom she’d been closer to and had known longer than she had Miguel, so why should she trust him?

What had he done to prove he was trustworthy? A little nagging voice in her head told her to look at what was in front of her. If that wasn’t proof of Miguel’s feelings for her, what was?

“What’s the hold up, girl? Oh my God! Your favorite. See girl, he
is
perfect. Only the perfect guy knows to send the perfect gift.”

Justus felt herself tense up and immediately go on the defensive. She hated that word, perfect. Alex had seemed perfect, that’s what all her girlfriends had told her. She had learned the hard way that guys that seem perfect can hurt you.

“Yeah, I guess,” Justus said and then watched as Krystal’s eyes narrowed to slits.

“So, Justus, you’re going to keep playing this game?”

“What game?”

“With Miguel, with his, his…feelings.”

So Krystal was concerned about Miguel’s feelings, but not hers?

“I don’
t think I am,” she said as she sat the basket down with a loud thump on the dresser. Justus kept her back to Krystal while she was talking to her, fingering a hairbrush on the dresser. “I mean, this is supposed to be just a simple, uncomplicated fling, right? Well, if that’s the case, and I can assure you it is, then I can’t be playing games with Miguel’s feelings, because technically, he shouldn’t have any!” Her voice had steadily risen with each word, until she was practically shouting. She turned to face Krystal and negligently tossed the brush onto the bed for emphasis.

Krystal was quiet for a few moments before she spoke.

“Justus look, I know that’s what I told you, but it seems like it’s become more than that at this point. You’ve both got feelings for each other, you know it, I know it, and I’m pretty sure Miguel knows it. There’s no point in you trying to deny it further.”

Krystal paused for a moment as Justus walked to the bed. She picked up the hairbrush limply in one hand and sat down beside her friend. Justus looked at her with tears forming in her eyes.

“You’re right. But Krys, I’m so scared. I’m so damned scared that whatever decision I make, my heart is going to be broken, no matter what. I’m scared that if I do succumb to these feelings and sleep with him, that somehow I will be…different or not what he expected, and then he’ll know my secret, you know, my family past. What if he thinks I’m stupid, if I tell him about it, I mean.”

“Justus,” she said as she to
ok the brush out of her hand and started brushing her hair, “he’s not going to know. Even if you decide to tell him the whole story, he’d realize it’s not your fault. I think he would understand and he could actually help you out somehow. But girl, regardless of your past, you shouldn’t do this, you shouldn’t hide from him. These are your last couple days together, they’re precious, so go enjoy them.

“
You need to see him tonight, this afternoon would be better. But you must see him tonight. I know he wants you. You, Justus. Not anything or anyone else. Look at that bouquet over there. Isn’t that proof enough?

“He cares for you. He’s not just trying to get you into his bed. I don’t think a man as beautiful as Miguel would have a problem finding someone willing and able. But, he doesn’t want just someone, he wants you.

“And may I add it’s always better to do something and regret it, rather than saying ‘I wish I would’ve done that when I had the chance.’ Come on, when we’re old ladies, you can rub it in my face that you once had the king of all hotties.”

Justus nodded and laughed. She glanced toward the balcony, she really needed more time to herself, to digest all Krystal had told her. She got up and walked out onto the balcony alone. Justus leaned against the railing and enjoyed the cool, salty spray hitting her face. Why was it so hard for her to do what she wanted? Why did she feel she must deny herself this happiness?

Krystal would have answers to these questions, but she didn’t want to talk to Krystal about this. She had to figure this one out by herself. Miguel was a great man and she wanted him, so what was stopping her? She knew at the moment it was stubborn pride, and an eight-year-old wound that seemed to constantly feel fresh.

Krystal’s words echoed through her mind, “…he could actually help you out somehow.” Tears formed in Justus’ eyes as she thought of her words. Krystal was right. Miguel might be able to help her put aside the stupid insecurities and fears she had carried around with her for almost a decade.

She had already known this, but didn’t want to accept it, out of fear. Each date with Miguel was better than the last. He was intriguing and exciting, passionate and handsome, caring and kind. Every time they were together, Justus felt she was coming out of her shell more and more.

She also felt more alive and complete, like she finally fit in somewhere after a lifetime of being an outcast. Yes, she felt all thes
e wonderful feelings, and after Saturday, they would have to end. She would never see Miguel again. The thought was almost too much to bear. She released a small sob that had been threatening to escape her throat and clutched the railing until her fingers turned white.

***

Krystal stepped onto the patio quietly. “The food’s here, did you still want to eat outside?”

“Sure, bring it on out, I’m starved.”

After lunch Justus felt her resolve grow and she knew Krystal was right. You only live once, and it’s better to regret what you did, instead of didn’t do. This was her second to last day she would have with Miguel, and she had already wasted half of it. She was going to make the most of the rest of her time with Miguel. She’d also decided when tonight came around, she was going to make the most of the situation and let whatever happened, happen.

After their meal, Justus took a shower, while Krystal had went to the lido deck to sunbathe around the pool. Justus went to a movie and sat through an asinine comedy, hoping it would take her mind off her problems. Instead, being in the ship’s deserted, dark theater alone made her feel worse about things.

If only she could be like Krystal, to whom trusting and seeing the best in people was second nature. At one time in Justus’ life it had been, but not anymore. These days she felt more alone than ever and she knew there was not a damn thing she could do about it.

She had been so lost in her reverie she was surprised when the screen was black and all noise stopped, save the few people walking toward the exit from the front row. She looked around and saw the meager crowd was gone.