Finding Love at Home (The Beiler Sisters) (17 page)

Alvin put his head down and leaned his forehead on both his hands. He listened as the barn door swung open and shut. Moments later he heard the deacon’s buggy wheels roll down the driveway. The sound of horse hooves hitting pavement soon died away.

He would never live this down, Alvin thought. Not in a dozen years.

Sixteen

E
arly the next morning Alvin walked toward the barn, his gas lantern swinging by his side in the brisk morning air. He was still tired after a restless night, but the chores wouldn’t wait. Each hour of the night had been a torment. Wild dreams he hadn’t had since his childhood kept him first on one side of the bed then the other. Deacon Mast had chased him with his buggy over open ground while thunderclouds moved across snowy fields. Winter lay heavy on the land, and from behind the deacon’s buggy had come strokes of lightning that broke through the ice on the pond. The heat had sizzled the ice as the bolts struck. The more Alvin ran, the more the rain fell from the skies, turning into steam before it reached the ground. He’d awakened gasping several times. Each time he had to assure himself this was a nightmare, only to have it begin all over again when he dozed off. There was no need for the alarm this morning. He’d waited for this hour long before it arrived.

He must calm down, Alvin told himself. He must do that before he made something out of Deacon Mast’s visit that wasn’t there. The deacon had nothing against him other than questions about the motives of his heart. How could he be disciplined for that? And
even if Deacon Mast stood firm in his wrong conclusions, unless Alvin committed some further transgression there would only be the shame he had to bear. Hopefully the community would eventually forget about the entire situation. This comfort was slim. Alvin’s heart told him something else entirely. There were screams of “Run, run, run!” But to where? There was no place to hide. Not unless he wished to bolt for the
Englisha
world again, which he did not.

Alvin pushed open the barn door, and hung his lantern on the ceiling hook. Before he turned around, light from Mildred’s lantern bounced off the barn walls. She’s out early, he thought. It was a
gut
thing Mildred hadn’t been here last night. If she learned what the deacon had to say, her nose would go right back up in the air like it had after their school days ended. And this time her rejection would burn even deeper. He paused. He hadn’t known he cared so much about what she thought, but he did.

Alvin stiffened and turned to face her. “
Gut
morning,” he said curtly.

She looked him over for a moment before she spoke. “My, you look rough. The deacon did you over
gut,
I see.”

He searched her face for signs of scorn and found none. There was only compassion and concern. “He came… but it’s not like it might seem, Mildred.”

Mildred gave him a sad smile. “I’m sorry you have to go through this, Alvin. Your
daett
gave me the full load last night after we saw the deacon’s buggy over here. I can’t say I blame Deacon Mast for thinking such things about you, but I told your
daett
I think he’s wrong in questioning your character.”

“You did? But it doesn’t look
gut
for me. You have to admit that.” Even as he said the negative, Alvin felt jabs of pure joy run up his back. Mildred believed in him. Mildred! The girl who had rejected him all those years ago.

She stepped closer and touched his arm. “Not everything is like it appears, Alvin. It makes perfect sense to me that your
mamm
would
want you home to take over the farm. You know how things used to be run around here.” She gave him a meaningful glance. “I used to think you were made of the same stuff as your
daett
—incompetent when it comes to running a farm. But your
mamm
knew you weren’t. So what’s wrong with her wanting you home again? And of course you jumped at the chance. What man wouldn’t? I’d disrespect you if you hadn’t come back.”

“But,” Alvin sputtered, “but I really came back because I didn’t like the world out there.”

Her smile was sweeter this time. “I know that. And in their hearts the people of the community know that. I even think Deacon Mast knows it. He just has to consider the worst. And your
daett
is speaking out of his bitterness right now, Alvin. You must forgive them all. And with time your
daett
will see that he’s wrong, that you weren’t trying to take something away from him that didn’t belong to you.”

“Crystal is still here,” he admitted. “As long as she’s around, people like Deacon Mast will get the wrong idea.”

Mildred’s look was direct. “I understood that you didn’t invite her or give her any encouragement to come. That you don’t have feelings for her.”

“Of course I don’t!”

Mildred’s smile was back. “Then there you go, Alvin. Keep your chin up. It’ll be okay. Things might be rough for a while, but if you don’t do anything foolish, you’ll make it. Now, shouldn’t we be doing the chores? It’s Sunday morning, and you don’t want to be late for the service.” She stepped closer to pat him on the shoulder. “And do put on a more sunny face, Alvin. You look guilty, and there’s no reason for it. You don’t want Debbie thinking there’s something to all of this, do you?” She gave him another pat. “Debbie will be right by your side tonight, and everything will be just fine.”

“Thank you!” Mildred seemed like a sister to him… even more than that perhaps. Her words made that plain enough, although she was likely trying to make up for her actions all those years ago.
Alvin gave her a warm smile before he turned to open the barn door for the cows. What a
gut
heart the girl had.
Da Hah
had supplied exactly what he needed during this difficult time. If he’d had this kind of support before, he never would have bolted for the
Englisha
world. He slapped the back ends of the cows as they pushed past him toward the feed bins.

Mildred had the feed spread out when he returned and snapped the clips shut on the stanchions. She gave him another smile before she began to work in silence.

Alvin allowed her presence to soothe him. She worked so efficiently without words. She didn’t need instructions. It was as if she belonged here… and had always belonged here. She was one of their people, just as he was one of them. And like Debbie was, Alvin reminded himself. Except Debbie had joined from the outside. The thought troubled him. He wished it didn’t. He shouldn’t blame Debbie. She hadn’t done anything wrong, and Bishop Beiler had the utmost confidence in his boarder. So should he.

Alvin finished his share of the cows and turned them loose. Mildred shoveled the next batch of feed while he shooed the cows out and brought the next round in. She still hadn’t said anything more by the time they finished and he let the cows out again.

Now she spoke with a warm smile. “You’re coming over for breakfast, Alvin. After you’ve finished the rest of the chores, of course. I’ll have bacon and eggs with biscuits and gravy ready. I can even make sausage, if you like.”

His mouth fell open.

Her smile never dimmed. “You’re not eating by yourself this morning. I will not have it. Not after the night you’ve had. You still look awful. And I can’t stand it anyway. Being over there at the
dawdy haus
and thinking about you in that cold kitchen all alone and trying to stir something up to eat. All I have to do is add a little extra, and there we go.”

He wanted to protest, but what came out was, “You’re way too nice, Mildred. But how can I?”

She raised her eyebrows. “How hard is walking over on your two feet? You don’t expect me to carry you, do you? The deacon wasn’t that hard on you.”

When he still hesitated, she gave another push. “You and your
daett
really need to talk, Alvin. You can’t go on living next door to each other with these bad feelings between the two of you. I don’t know if one breakfast will fix things, but why not try? Be nice to the old man, Alvin. He’s your
daett
. And you have taken over his farm.”

Alvin’s resistance vanished like the dreams of the night in the light of day. “Thank you, Mildred. This is very nice of you.”

“Think nothing of it,” she replied. “Now don’t dawdle.” And she was gone.

Alvin’s head spun as the light of her lantern disappeared through the doorway. What had he just agreed to? Breakfast at his
daett
’s place? But what was wrong with that? And he did need to speak with his
daett.
Mildred was right on that point. Alvin could feel the need in his bones, even though she was also right that the conversation might lead nowhere. He still needed to try. And a hot breakfast? His mouth watered at the thought of hot biscuits and gravy, to say nothing of eggs and bacon. Cold cereal from a box was a horrible comparison to that.

Debbie need never know, he told himself. Not that she should care. There was nothing between Mildred and him in a romantic way. She worked for his
daett
and, of course, wished to comfort her friend Alvin in his troubles. Breakfast was just one way Mildred could do that.
Nee
, Debbie would have no problem if he ate breakfast once in a while at the
dawdy haus
.

Alvin rushed to finish his chores. He turned off his lantern and stepped out to the dawning sky. The last faint twinkle of stars overhead drew his attention, and he paused for a moment to look
upward. It amazed him how much
gut
the thought of a hot breakfast did for him—that and Mildred’s encouraging words this morning. Who would have thought she would stand by him in such an hour of trouble?

Alvin approached the
dawdy haus
and entered without a knock. His
daett
was seated on the rocker, his
mamm
on the other. He didn’t appear surprised so Mildred must have told him.

“
Gut
morning,” Alvin greeted.

“
Gut
morning,” his
daett
returned.

Alvin approached his
mamm
’s side to give her a quick hug. A sorrow swept over him at the sight of her. Not that long ago
Mamm
had been so alive and full of love for him. No doubt that love still beat inside her heart that was gradually freezing within her crippled body and mind.

“I love you,
Mamm
,” he whispered. She gave him a weak smile. He turned in the direction of the waves of delicious smells rolling out of the kitchen. The aroma of baking biscuits and frying bacon almost took his breath away.

Mildred’s cheerful face appeared in the kitchen doorway. “Sit down and wait for a minute. Breakfast will soon be ready.”

He did as he was told. The living room was wrapped in silence. He almost stood to join Mildred in the kitchen but decided he probably shouldn’t. That wouldn’t look decent. Allowing her to help with barn chores was one thing, but him helping in the kitchen was going too far. Instead he picked up the copy of
The Budget
that arrived faithfully at the
dawdy haus
each week. He scanned the pages until Mildred announced, “I’m ready! Will you help your
mamm
to the table, Alvin?”

He turned to catch Mildred’s smile. His
daett
stood and walked over to
Mamm.
Together they helped her to her seat at the table.

Now was the time when he should speak, Alvin told himself, or it would only get harder. He’d already wasted precious moments in the living room reading
.

“
Daett
,” he began, once his
mamm
was comfortable and his
daett
had taken his seat at the table, “Deacon Mast told me what you said about me last week. I want to tell you that some of it was true. I did read and respond to
Mamm
’s letters. And,
yah
, the promise of working the farm did partly draw me home. But there was more to it than that. I want the life that you have created here. I want what the community has. I want what our people believe. I don’t want what’s out there in the
Englisha
world. I’m sorry if I’ve led you to think ill of me.”

Mildred flashed him an encouraging smile when he finished. She glanced between his
daett
and him.

His
daett
grunted and responded, “That may be as it is, Alvin. I don’t pretend to know a man’s heart. But with that
Englisha
girl running around last weekend and coming right into my house like she owned it, I thought the deacon should know everything that has gone on. So that’s why I told him. You shouldn’t hold that against me.”