Finding My Way Home (6 page)

“So what’s the plan? 
If you don’t mind me asking?”

And so I tell her the story of the letter and how
Noah was part of the scavenger’s hunt.  She listens to me quietly then starts laughing when I’m done. 

“Your
nana sure was clever.  Don’t you see what she’s doing?  She is trying to get you two together.  I bet you there’s no letter.”

Oh crap.
I’d be lying if I said that the same idea hadn’t crossed my mind at least once but what if I was wrong?  What if Gigi was wrong?  There’s no way my nana would do something like that to me.  Right?

            
 
We fall asleep amongst empty containers, dirty glasses and paper plates, both of us too tired to move.   In spite of feeling like crap, I can’t remember the last time I’ve had so much fun.  It was easy to be around Gigi and she was still as funny and wonderful as I remember.  We talked and laughed so much all night, my voice was almost gone.  Since she moved back home, she knew everyone’s business.  Who was married to whom, who was divorced, who was cheating, you name it. 

             
She was able to get her GED and was working two jobs at one point just so she could save money and move out on her own.  Her mom was a great help but she didn’t want to depend on anyone and that made me respect her even more.

             
I got up and without a second thought I sent a text to Noah.

Me – hey are you awake?

Noah – miss me already?

Me – very funny.
  I want, no NEED coffee

Noah
– k

             
Fifteen minutes later he was knocking on my door, coffee and donuts in hand.   I know I should move to let him in but I just stare in wonder.  All it took was a text; no questions asked, no bargains made.  Just one text. 

             
“Did you change your mind?  Because it’s really cold out here.”  I blink a few times and open the door wider so he can come inside. 

             
“Sorry I guess I’m still sleeping.  I can’t thank you enough for this.  You’re a life saver.”  I follow him to the living room and as soon as he puts the tray on the table, Gigi opens her eyes as if the aroma wakes her up. 

             
“If you weren’t with Brenie I would so take you right now.  You really know how to get to a girl’s heart don’t you?”  She doesn’t even wait for a response and grabs a cup from the table.  It’s funny how a few days ago I didn’t even remember their names and right now it feels just like old times.  I take the big chair by the fireplace, coffee in hand and watch Noah as he adds more wood into the fire. 

“He’s not with me
Gigi and you know it.  You’re more than welcome to him,” I say but I’m not sure I mean it. 

“Hello you two, I’m right here.  Stop talking about me like I’m a piece of meat.” 

“Whatever you say, Bren.  But I know what I know.  Shoot, I better get going.  My son will think I’ve abandoned him.  Girly it was so good to see you.  Why don’t you come over for dinner tomorrow?  And bring the hunk with you,” she winks at me and Noah only shakes his head. 

I walk her to the door and we hug one more time before she leaves.  I close the door and lay against it, thinking about last night.  She was still the same girl I remembered from high school. 
The same funny, gentle and caring girl.  Even after all these years.  Maybe I was the only one that changed.  Back in the living room, I find Noah picking up the empty containers and plates and it really melts my heart to see what an amazing person he is.  I’ve been here four days now and he has changed his entire schedule just for me.  I didn’t know why but whatever the reason, I was grateful.

I pick up the empty bottles and clean up the rest of the mess we made the night before.  Once the room looks decent, I go back to my coffee and he follows suit.  We look at each other and he shakes his head and smile
s.

“What?”

“This is so uncanny.  I can’t believe we’re sitting here drinking coffee like it’s an everyday thing.” 

“I guess.  Look I have to go back in two days.  What if I can
’t find this letter?  Whatever is in it, it had to be important for her not to trust anyone with it.  I mean, unless there is no letter and she’s just trying to get me to move back here.”  I’m freaking out so immediately I start to count silently in my head.

“
Bren, she was too serious about it so I’m sure there is a letter.  If we can’t find it in two days, I will keep looking for it.  I promise.”

I shake my head hoping it will release all the tension and finish my coffee with one big gulp.  I get up and start moving towards the attic and
Noah follows.  I’m glad we were able to keep the room clean or it would’ve been overwhelming.  There are exactly six more boxes and my heart feels heavy at the thought that maybe there’s nothing I need in any of them.  I take the same place on the floor, just like yesterday, and he places one of the boxes in front of me.  He then sits across from me with another box opened and ready for the hunt.

There are so many letters in here; some my dad wrote to my mom while they were in high school, some my
papa wrote to nana.  My fingers itch to open them but I feel like I’m invading their privacy so I steer clear.  I pile them in small organized stacks and keep looking around. Hours pass by but I can’t stop now.  I have this weird sensation that we’re very close to whatever she wanted me to find and it makes my stomach hurt from nerves.  What if I don’t want to know what’s in that letter?   The last box is filled with clothes; no papers.  Tears sting my eyes, a mix of defeat, anger, and hopelessness.  Before Noah can say anything, I run out of the room.  I can’t be in there right now. 

I hear him call my name but I don’t stop until I’m in my car and he appears in the doorway just as I’m pulling out of the driveway.  I wish I could drive as far from here
as possible and never look back.  I don’t know how long it’s been since I stormed out of the house.  I am exhausted and hungry and when I see the diner come into view, I decide to go in and see if maybe Gigi is around.

“Welcome to
Bonnie’s.  Lunch for one?”

“No actually I was looking for
Gigi.”  The young girl is looking me up and down, probably deciding if it’s safe enough to share that kind of info with me.  “It’s ok, I’m her friend from high school,” I say and slap a fake smile on.

“Oh ok.  Well she’s not working today but she’s in the back.  I’ll go get her.”

I take a seat at one of the tables, trying to calm my breathing.  The anxiety is taking over and I feel like the walls are closing in.  I put my head on the table and close my eyes; that’s how Gigi finds me. 

“Hey, are you ok?”  The second her hand touches my shoulder I break down.  “
Shhh it’s ok, it’s ok.  Come on, let’s get out of here.”  She helps me to her car and I feel hopeless.  She drives away and I don’t even care where we’re going as long as we’re moving.  Eventually she stops in the front of an old house and turns the engine off.  She helps me with my seatbelt then gets out of the car; I follow but don’t pay attention at my surroundings or where I’m stepping.  I follow like a programmed robot.

“I want you to sit here and wait for me.  Can you do that?”  Her voice is so soothing
and I do what she says.  She returns a few minutes later with big bowls of steaming soup and places one in front of me.  “You better eat or I’ll feed you myself.  Finish it fast then you can tell me what happened.”  The tears are falling down my face, down my chin and inside my shirt, leaving wet tickling trails behind. I force myself to eat, sobbing in between each spoonful.  I eat as much as I can and thankfully Gigi doesn’t force me to finish the entire bowl.

“Ready to tell me what happened?”

“There is no letter
Gigi, there was nothing there.  We looked in all the boxes and there was nothing there,” I cry.

“Why did you put so much hope in that letter?  Maybe when the time is right you’ll find it; if there is anything to be found.  Just take the memories you have with you and don’t let this bring you down. Look
Brenie, sometimes we just have to accept things the way they are.  I don’t know, I guess I’ve been through so much that nothing really bothers me anymore.  You need to find a way to get past this letter thing and move on.”

She’s right, I know that but part of me still believes that my grandma told
Noah the truth.  She had no reason to lie.  I stay at Gigi’s house for a few hours and get to meet her son.  He is so full of energy that by the time we get in her car, I’m ready to go to sleep.  She drops me off at the diner so I can pick up my car and as I start the engine, I feel less and less sure of what tomorrow has in store for me. 

I find
Noah sitting on one of the steps in front of the house, his head in his hands.  The second I get out of the car he’s by my side and for a moment I think he’s going to pull me in for a kiss.  He is just looking at me, his gaze a burning sensation.

“Never ever leave without your cell,” he says finally
, then storms away without a single glance back.

I lock the door behind me and rest against it with my eyes closed. 
What are we doing nana
? I’m so tired and not just physically but mentally and if feel like my whole body is drained.  I forgo the shower and crawl into my bed hugging the pillow for comfort.  It doesn’t take long before sleep takes over.  Someone is combing their fingers through my hair and humming softly.  I don’t know if I’m sleeping or awake but I’m too scared to open my eyes.  My head is lifted and I can feel soft fabric under my cheek and it smells like lilac.  It smells like my nana.  I take a quick peek and instantly regret doing so.  This is not possible.. this is not possible.  Maybe I am losing my mind. 

“
Shhhh, don’t be afraid.”  My hallucination even sounds real.  My body is shaking and my nana’s phantom is holding me, trying to soothe my fears away. 
This is not real
, I chant. 

“I don’t have much time sweetheart.  I need you to listen to me.”

“Please Lord help me, take away the bad spirits that are present in this house and protect me from all that’s evil.  In Jesus name I pray, AMEN.”  I rock myself from side to side and keep praying inside my head.  When I open my eyes my grandmother is still sitting next to me, the same soft smile on her lips. 

“I had to come back and help you.  You are hurt my princess and there
is much more to come that will hurt and break your heart.  You must let Noah help you.”

“Oh my God, this is not happening.”  I keep my eyes shut, not willing to look at her.  This is unnatural and I can feel chills all through my body.

“The letter is not in your name.  Go back to the attic and you will find them all there.  Go back… go back… go back….”

Her voice is fading away until there’s nothing left but the dark and silence.  My mind tells me to get in my car and
drive as far from this place as I can and yet I make no move.  I simply stare at the indentation on the bed, proof that someone or something had been sitting there not too long ago.  My eyes grow heavy once again and before long I’m back to sleep.  There are no more dreams, no more visitors, just the much needed heavy rest.  I wake up at noon the next day, feeling worse than the night before.  On my way to the kitchen I take a quick look in the mirror and wince at the sight.  Yep, I look like I feel.  I make a quick cup of tea and let the hot cup warm up my cold fingers.  I stare outside the window not really looking at anything in particular and that’s when it hits me.  That’s when I remember the dream; my nana’s visit. 

Only one way to find out if I’m going crazy or not.
  I don’t even bother to check and see what time it is, I don’t put my jacket on or even my shoes. I just open the door and walk straight ahead to find Noah.  I know I can’t do this alone and he will help me.  He has to.  I knock as hard as I can and he answers on my second try.

“Damn you Bren, get in here.  It’s freezing.  Where are your shoes?”

I am mentally trying to find an easy way to tell him what just happened.  Well here goes nothing.

“Last night my grandma came to me. And now I know where the letters are.”

He grabs my hand and closes the door behind me.  I can tell he is trying to make sense of it all.

“Ok, let’s get you warmed up.  I just made some coffee.”  He pulls me after him towards the kitchen and hands me a cup. “Come on drink some.  So Sonia came to visit, did she?”  I am grateful that he is not mocking me.  Or maybe he is and I just can’t tell. 

“The letters, and yes she said there’s more than one, are in the attic.  We need to look for letters that are addressed to her not to me.  This is why we didn’t find anything; because we were looking for the wrong thing.”

“Stay here and finish your coffee.  I’ll be right back.”  A few minutes later he returns and he’s all dressed up and ready to go.  I finish my coffee and I feel much better all of the sudden.  I’m excited, anxious, and giddy, all in one.  He locks up the house behind us and together we go back to my place.  I pretty much skip all the way to the house like a little kid who’s about to get a new toy.  He chuckles and shakes his head. 

Inside the attic I sit on the floor and dive right into one of the boxes that I remember contained mostly letters and papers.  This time I take one by one and read the labels and also whatever is inside.  Noah does the same and before long the room looks like a postal office exploded.  A few hours pass by and we find nothing but I’m still positive that we will soon.  Noah checks his phone and looks concerned.

“Everything ok?”
I ask.

“Yes, but I have to leave you for a few hours.  I’m sorry.  One of the guys at the shop had to take his wife to the doctor because she’s having a baby so I need to go in.”