Finding Our Forever: (A Defining Moments Novel) (24 page)

As I take in my bedroom, it finally hits me that I was dreaming. How the hell can a dream feel so real? I clutch my chest and fall to the bed again, taking slow deep breaths. My heart aches for him, a child who never existed.

Tears quickly appear, and I’m so lost in this feeling of longing for him that it’s hard to breathe. How is that even possible? To miss and long for someone who doesn’t exist? I almost feel like I’m still asleep, my heart aching to hold Samuel in my arms.

When my alarm goes off, I peel myself out of bed and head for the shower. I’m going to need another one. It feels as though I’ve been crying for hours and I can only imagine the mess my face looks right now.

Throwing my hair up into a bun, I make the shower cool so that it will soothe my red and blotchy face. Stepping in, my mind won’t let go of the image of Samuel, and I find myself unable to think of anything else.

DRIVING TO ELI’S PLACE,
my stomach is in knots. I’m not sure if it’s from my nerves about seeing Eli or from the dream that seems to be haunting my thoughts.

As I pull into the driveway, I watch as Eli’s youngest brother, Destry, comes out, carrying a bag and heading toward the car parked on the street. I can see a figure in the passenger seat and watch as she turns her head toward Destry and smiles. Getting out of the car, he stops when he hears me and then changes direction and walks to me with a smile on his face.

“Hey, Sara,” he says politely. “It’s good to see you again.” He reaches out his hand and I shake it happily.

“Hey, Destry,” I reply. “Welcome back.”

“Thanks. I can’t even tell you how happy I am to be home. As much as I thought I wanted to get away from here to go to school, it didn’t take long to realize I need to be near my family. Being so far away from everyone was torture.” He stops talking for a second, taking in the frown that has taken over my face. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

I shake my head and smile. “Nothing. I was just thinking about what you said. Being away from my friends and family is definitely going to be hard.”

“It’s only for two years though, right,” he says after a few awkward minutes of silence.

I nod before turning back toward the house. “It was good to see you again, Destry. Behave yourself,” I throw back over my shoulder, making him laugh out.

“I’m the good one,” he yells after me, as he also turns and heads back toward his car.

I chuckle under my breath as I make my way up to the house, but falter when I see Eli is standing on the front porch watching me. He has a sad smile on his face, but it’s not a scowl so that’s promising.

As I make my way up to the porch, he holds the screen door open for me to enter before him. As I step through the entryway, he places his hand on my lower back and ushers me to the kitchen, where I can smell something amazing.

“You cooked?” I blurt out.

He chuckles before replying, “Yeah, I figured it was the least I could do since I was such an asshole the other day.”

Well, that’s a start.

“Do you want a glass of wine or a beer?” he asks me, turning toward the fridge.

“No, thanks. A glass of water would be great though.” This night is probably not going to be easy and I need my attention to be on point.

I watch as he pulls a glass from the cabinet, fills it with ice and water, and places it on the bar in front of me.

“Thanks,” I reply, bringing the glass to my lips, and hoping the water will help the desert in my throat.

He nods and returns to the stove, where he’s cooking some sort of pasta dish. I’m enthralled in watching him move around fluidly in the kitchen, like he’s comfortable there.

“How’s work been?” he inquires.

“Busy, unfortunately,” I answer. I’ve been working crazy hours lately, and although the distraction has been nice, I need to finish up packing. For the first time since I accepted the invite to Arizona, the thought of packing and moving makes my stomach churn and dread to seep in.

“Job security I guess,” he replies with a smile.

The quiet is unnerving. Neither of us really know how to start this discussion I guess.

He plates our food and sets them on the bar where I’m already seated.

“This smells amazing, Eli. Thank you for dinner. I love spaghetti.”

“It’s one of the few recipes my mom taught me that I can remember off the top of my head,” he chuckles. “It’s one of my favorites too, so I made sure I knew how to make it when I moved out of the house.”

“How is your mom? She’s still in Italy right?” I ask, hoping to make idle chat while we eat.

“Yeah. She’s loving it but missing home. She said she’s enjoying the sights and she’s learning a ton of stuff with the internship. She e-mails me pictures, and I just can’t get over how amazing it is there.”

“I bet,” I reply with a smile. His face always lights up when he talks about his mom. She’s such a strong woman to have gone through what she did and still pull herself up and make things better for herself. She is definitely someone I look up too.

We finish up dinner, and I grab our plates to rinse them. “You don’t have to do that, Sara. Just set them in the sink and I’ll do them later,” he instructs me.

“No way, sir. You made dinner, I clean the kitchen,” I respond with sass. I rinse a few dishes and put them in the dishwasher but freeze when I feel him behind me.

Placing his hands on my hips, he turns me around, takes the dish from my hand, and sets it in the sink before turning the water off.

“Let’s talk,” he states. Grabbing my hand and lacing his fingers through mine, he steers us into the living room and sits down, pulling me down beside him.

He doesn’t release my hand, and when I look up at his face, I find him watching his thumb rub back and forth across the top of my hand.

Taking a deep breath, he begins. “First, I want to say I’m sorry for how I handled that whole situation.” He pauses, releases my hand, and stands up, pacing for a moment before he continues. “The fact of the matter is, it scared the hell out of me.”

“Eli—” I start, but he stops me.

“Just let me get this out, Sara.”

I nod, clasping my hands together so he can’t see that they’re shaking.

“I’ve always known I want to have a family someday. I love kids, and I can only pray that I’ll be blessed with some one day. However, I’m only twenty years old. I want to finish school and have a career before I bring a child into this world. I need to be able to provide for my children and my wife.” He stops pacing and sits down at the end of the couch. Placing his elbows on his knees, he leans forward, resting his head in his hands. “Look, I know that before you dropped the bomb on me, I’d mentioned us trying to make a relationship work while you’re in Arizona.” When he pauses to take another deep breath, I know what’s coming, and already my anger starts to rise. “I’m not ready for this, Sara. I feel like my whole life flashed before my eyes when you said you might be pregnant. I saw our lives morphing into what happened to my parents. Us getting married because of the baby, you resenting me for having to give up school, and us falling apart later because we married for the wrong reason.”

My face must be bright red because when his eyes meet mine, his eyes widen and look down at my clenched hands. I stand up slowly, and when he reaches for my hand, I take a step back from him.

I walk over to the living room window and look outside, watching as children ride their bikes down the street. The ache I felt this morning after waking up from that dream returns, and I smile sadly before turning around to face him.

“Thank you for being honest with me. I really do wish you the best, Eli. I hope you get your chance to have the career you want and a family when you’re ready.” I pause to choke down the lump in my throat and take another step back from him when he once again tries to grab my hands.

And then it all hits me at once, and a tidal wave of warmth spreads through my chest.

My entire life, I’ve made goals for myself. In high school, I made a checklist of things I wanted to accomplish, like making the varsity cheerleading squad, keeping a three point eight or higher GPA, and taking enough early college credits that I could start college as a sophomore. I’d accomplished all those goals. Then when I started college, I made another list and accomplished all of those. I’d been an RN for about two years when I felt as if there was something missing. I assumed I just needed a new goal. Something to look forward too. That’s when I’d decided to apply to PA school. It wasn’t a goal I’d set for myself when I was a child. I mean, I’d always known I wanted to be a nurse. But the PA thing was an afterthought when I felt as though my life had become stagnant. So, just as I had every time before, I’d made new goals. I loved being a nurse. I didn’t need to be a PA. I mean, what would be after that? I’d be a PA for a few years and then decide I needed another goal? Medical school maybe? I’d been doing it all for the wrong reason, and now I was done.

“The one thing that this whole mess has made me realize is that sometimes the goals we set for ourselves aren’t about our dreams. They’re just distractions.” I feel the constriction in my chest start to loosen more. I close the distance between us and press my lips gently to his. He grabs the back of my head and tries to deepen the kiss, but I pull his hand away and press my forehead to his. “Good-bye, Eli,” I whisper before letting go of him and turning to leave.

“Sara, wait,” he pleads, and I stop. I owe him at least the chance to respond. “You’re not leaving for another week. Can’t we just hang out until then? I mean, just as friends? I miss you.”

I turn back toward him and see the anguish written all over his face. “I’m sorry, but we both know that our attraction to each other won’t just go away, and we’d end up sleeping together again. As much as I enjoyed our time together, this whole thing also made me realize I’m not good at the whole ‘undefined relationship with benefits’ thing we had going on. My heart gets too involved and you see how that turned out,” I tell him, blinking quickly to try to avert the tears that fall anyway.

His face pinches in frustration, and that’s my cue to leave. I don’t want to fight with him.

Striding out of the house and down the driveway, I’m trying my damnedest not to run. I need to be away from here, in the sanctuary of my home. As I back out of the drive, I let the tears fall freely. I put the car in drive and look one more time at his house, my eyes meeting his as he stands on the front porch watching me drive away. He doesn’t smile. His face is void of emotion, and I have to turn away because knowing he’s not feeling the loss I’m feeling hurts deep down in my bones.

I’m only a couple of miles from Eli’s when my phone rings, making me jump. I glance at the screen to see who it is and am relieved to see my mom’s face.

“Hey, Mom,” I chirp into the phone, trying to sound as if I’m not crying.

“What’s wrong?” she blurts out.

“Nothing. Why?” I feign innocence.

“Sara Marie Calhoun, don’t you lie to me. I can hear it in your voice that you’re upset,” she fumes.

I think of what to say to her. I’m going to have to tell them at some point, it might as well be now.

“Is Dad there with you?” I ask quickly before I change my mind.

“Yes, honey, he is. Why? You’re scaring me,” she says with hesitation.

“Can you get him and put me on speaker. I need to talk to you guys.”

She doesn’t reply for a moment and then I hear her shout for my dad.

The phone clicks.

“Hi, sweet girl,” Dad yells, causing me to laugh.

“You don’t have to yell, she can hear you,” Mom reprimands him, making me giggle. How have I not realized until now how much I’d miss being close to them if I went to Arizona.

“Hi, Daddy,” I laugh out. “Hey, I wanted to talk to you guys about something.”

“We’re here, honey. What’s going on?” Mom implores.

I’m turning onto my street when my phone beeps with another incoming call.

Eli.

I ignore the call and focus on the conversation I need to have with my parents.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the Arizona move,” I start, but pause when my phone beeps again.

Eli again.

Ignore.

“What would you guys think if I decided to stay here and not go to PA school?” I blurt it out quickly because I need their input, but I’m afraid of the disappointment I’m afraid I’m about to hear.

They’re both silent for a few seconds before Dad speaks first.

“Baby, we just want you to be happy. You’ve always wanted to be a nurse, so we were actually surprised when you announced you’d been accepted to PA school. I mean, we’re proud of you already for the things you’ve accomplished. If you choose not to go to Arizona, we’d still be proud of you.” His response makes me start crying again. I needed to hear that.

My phone chimes with a voice mail alert.

Mom is really quiet, and I’m almost afraid to ask.

“Mom?” I croak out.

She doesn’t respond immediately, and my fear kicks up a notch. “Oh, Sara, we are so damn proud of you already. We’ll always support your decisions to further your education.” She pauses and says something to my dad with her hand over the phone. “If I'm completely honest here, I’d be absolutely thrilled if you didn’t move to Arizona. I kind of like having you close.”