Finding Peace (Finding Series, Book 3) (6 page)

Luke sat back on his heels and wiped his arm across his forehead. “No, I was a lifer.”

“A lifer?”

“I knew from the second I enlisted that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I figured I’d become an instructor or something once I got to the point that I couldn’t serve on the front lines anymore.”

Gray lowered himself to the floor and leaned back against the wall. “What made you enlist?”

Luke took a long drink from the bottle of water Gray had brought him. “My foster brother was planning to join. He was the closest thing to family I had and I didn’t want to lose him so I did too.”

“Are you guys still in touch?”

Like shook his head. “We did two tours together but he had his heart set on joining the police academy and I had a chance to become a Ranger so we just kind of lost touch when we went our separate ways.”

“You’re an Army Ranger?”

A darkness settled over Luke’s features but he nodded.

“You love it,” Gray said softly.

Another nod.

“Why?”

Luke was quiet for a long time and Gray wished he had the right to lean over and brush his lips over Luke’s in an attempt to offer comfort.

“It was the first time my life had purpose,” Luke finally said. “And the first time I was ever really good at something.”

“I don’t believe that,” Gray whispered.

Luke chuckled. “It’s true. I was a lousy student…only reason I even graduated was because Rhys used to tutor me.”

“Is Rhys your foster brother?”

Luke’s eyes snapped up and Gray realized he hadn’t been aware that he’d let the name slip. “Yeah.”

“He’s who you came out here to see, isn’t he?” Gray said. “He’s a deputy in the Dare police department.”

Luke swallowed hard. “I saw the story in the news about him – about how he was wrongly sent to prison back in Chicago. It said he was working on a ranch outside Dare.”

Gray was familiar with the story and had met Rhys Tellar only briefly before he’d signed on to be one of the town’s deputies. Rhys had arrived in Montana a couple months earlier and had become involved in a relationship with Callan Bale, the owner of the CB Bar Ranch, and his young ranch hand, Finn Stewart.

“Were you headed to his ranch the day we met?”

“I was on my way back to town from the ranch. I didn’t know Rhys had joined the police department out here. I saw him pull into the driveway in his police cruiser and I knew…I knew he couldn’t help me.”

“He didn’t see you?”

“No. I was watching from some trees across the road from the ranch’s driveway.”

Gray felt a surge of pity go through him. It was clear that Rhys had been Luke’s last hope. “Luke, Rhys seems like a pretty good guy…I’m sure he’d help you in any way he could.”

Luke shook his head slowly. “I can’t put him in that position. He’s finally in a good place – I’m not going to fuck with that.”

“Luke-”

“We should get this finished,” Luke said as he turned his attention back to the floor.

***

“I’m going to be gone for a couple days,” Luke heard Gray say over the sound of the running faucet. “I’ve got some business in the city tomorrow afternoon and it’ll just be easier to spend the night. I should be back on Wednesday sometime.”

“Okay,” Luke murmured as he put the last of the dishes on the counter next to the sink. “I’ll get that dishwasher installed.”

“Great,” Gray said non-committedly. He didn’t even look up from what he was doing.

It had been this way for three days – the stunted conversation, the overly polite greetings, the long drags of uncomfortable silence. And it was entirely Luke’s fault. He’d felt raw and vulnerable after admitting why he’d come to Montana and even more so that he’d said Rhys’ name without even realizing it. Somehow in the span of a week, Gray Hawthorne had managed to tie him up in knots both physically and emotionally. So he’d done the only thing he could think of and shut down in the hopes that Gray wouldn’t pry any more information from him. And Gray had gotten the message pretty quickly and hadn’t spoken to him beyond complimenting the finished hardwood floor in the living room and thanking him for fixing the leaky faucet in the master bathroom.

“I’m going to take Ripley outside for a few,” he said quietly.

No response.

Once he was outside, Luke felt all his frustration well to the surface and he just started walking towards the back of the property. It was dark out but the full moon that sat heavy in the cloudless sky made it possible for him to find his way to the small creek that was nestled just beyond the tree line. Ripley dashed through the water happily while Luke dropped down to sit on the fallen tree that was just feet from the water’s edge. Within minutes, the chilly air had the desired effect and he felt the anxiety in his gut ease. But it wouldn’t completely go away and he knew while he was around Gray that it probably never would. Even if he looked past the growing physical attraction that he was struggling with, he couldn’t ignore the fact that he was drawn to Gray in a way he hadn’t been to any of the men in his unit or even Rhys when they’d been kids. And none of it made any sense because he’d known the man for less than a week.

Maybe Gray leaving for a couple of days would be a good thing – the week had been a roller coaster of highs and lows and it was likely just the stress that was playing havoc with his emotions and his body. But as Luke began walking back to the cabin, he couldn’t help but wonder what kind of business Gray had in the city. He and Gray had already driven to Missoula twice this week to get remodeling supplies from one of the large home improvement warehouses and one of the first things Luke had noticed was the way Gray carried himself in public. He often kept his sunglasses on and constantly checked their surroundings as if expecting someone to be following them. If Luke hadn’t known better, he would have thought Gray was the one on the run. Maybe the guy had a stalker or something…it wasn’t something Luke would have thought writers would have but what the hell did he know?

Which was why it was all the more strange that Gray would be returning to the city for an extended period of time. An ugly thought filtered through Luke’s brain as he remembered the insinuation that Gray had made to the cop about Luke’s presence – like he was just some random guy Gray had picked up. Gray had mentioned something about having a reputation. What if he was going to Missoula to hook up? Luke doubted there were a lot of options for Gray in the small town of Dare. The idea had acid burning through Luke’s gut and all the tension he’d managed to work off with his walk came screaming back. God, this really was fucked up. He wanted Gray even though he didn’t want to. He felt connected to Gray even though he didn’t want to be. He trusted Gray even though he shouldn’t.

Luke let himself back into the quiet cabin. The only light on was the one over the sink in the kitchen, a clear sign that Gray had gone to bed despite the early hour. As much as Luke’s brain was telling him to throw Gray’s door open and confront him about why he was going to the city, Luke ignored it and went to his own room. He took a quick shower and then crawled into bed. Hours passed as he tried to seek the comfort of sleep and when he heard the bedroom door next to his open and close in the early hours the next morning, he barely kept himself from jumping out of bed so that he could hunt Gray down and tell him everything he was looking for was right under his nose. But he waited until he heard the sound of Gray’s diesel engine roaring to life before he sat up and swung his legs over the bed. His cock was tight with need against his abdomen and within seconds of stepping under shower’s hot water, he was pulling an epic climax from his body as he imagined what it would feel like to sink into Gray as the other man whispered his name.

He spent the rest of the day installing the dishwasher Gray had bought earlier in the week on their second trip to Missoula. But it wasn’t until that night that he was plagued with more thoughts of Gray and his faceless lover and no amount of walking through the darkened woods brought him any relief. Even Ripley’s antics failed to elicit any kind of response and he ended up tackling the chore of re-facing Gray’s kitchen cabinets at three o’ clock in the morning. It was a task that Gray had only mentioned that he was considering but since Luke had nothing else to keep him from going insane with jealousy, he ended up ripping all the doors off and emptying the cabinets so he could begin the process of stripping and sanding them. It wasn’t until almost lunch time the next day that he’d been too exhausted to continue and he’d fallen asleep on the couch. It was dark when he heard tires on the driveway and a mix of apprehension and pleasure went through him at the same time when he heard the diesel engine. Ripley took off out the door as soon as Luke opened it but one look at Gray and all of Luke’s excitement turned to concern as he saw Gray’s stiff gait and careful movements.

“Gray?” Luke called as he hurried outside and reached for Gray’s arm.

Gray shook him off and said, “Sorry I’m so late. There was an accident and the highway was shut down for hours. I’m really beat…”

Luke glanced at his watch and saw that it was well past dinner time. He trailed Gray into the cabin but Gray didn’t stop moving as he walked past the disaster zone that used to be his kitchen nor did he comment at the sight of dishes piled everywhere and all the doors laying on top of each other on the kitchen table.

“Gray, are you sick again?” Luke asked as he finally got a look at Gray’s features in the light of the cabin. His face was ashen and there were dark bags under his eyes. His lips looked dry and chapped and he had his hand clenched around his coat lapels as if trying to hold it closed to keep the cold out.

Gray shook his head. “Went out for a few drinks last night…well, maybe more than a few,” Gray said cheekily. “Night.”

The statement was like a slap in the face and Luke couldn’t force himself to follow Gray to his room. So Gray
had
gone to Missoula to meet someone. It was what Luke had suspected all along so why did hearing the truth of it hurt so damn bad? Fury tore through Luke and before he could stop himself, he slammed his hand against the wall by the hallway that led to the bedrooms. Pain tore through his hand but he welcomed it as he spun on his heel and left the cabin.

***

Gray had no idea what the thumping sound somewhere outside his bedroom was but he was too tired to care as he sank down onto his bed. His whole body hurt as he tried to toe off his shoes and he finally gave up and slowly lay back on the bed and closed his eyes. It probably would have been smart to spend another night at the motel in Missoula but he’d already been on edge with staying in the city for nearly two days. He knew it wasn’t realistic to think the paparazzi would find him clinging to the toilet bowl in some run-down motel on the outskirts of the city but it wasn’t the first time his paranoia had gotten the better of him. After all, he’d seen firsthand what the self-proclaimed reporters were capable of. But as much as he would have liked his fear of the press to be his only reason for coming home sooner than he should have, Gray knew it was a big fat fucking lie. From the second he’d left the cabin yesterday morning, he’d been driving himself crazy wondering if Luke would still be here when he got back. It shouldn’t have mattered whether the man had left or not considering how chilly things had been between them but it had mattered. More than Gray wanted it to.

While his continued attraction to Luke wasn’t a surprise, it was how much he’d started enjoying the man’s company that had caught him off guard. With his nose buried in books most of the time in grade and high school, Gray hadn’t managed to secure his place in any of the social circles at school. And he’d been okay with that. College hadn’t been much different since he’d spent what little free time he had writing and it hadn’t taken him long after he’d sold the first million copies of his book to realize that all the so called friends that came out of the woodwork were nothing more than trolls hoping to spend a little time in the spotlight that had glared down on him so brightly.

But it hadn’t meant that Gray couldn’t have a little bit of fun with his newfound fame which had taken on a life of its own after he’d come out in a well-known magazine’s feature article. For someone who’d been invisible for most of his life, he’d taken full advantage of the play-boy reputation his publicists had suggested. A team of stylists, a personal trainer and buckets of cash had meant he could have his pick of men. Groupies, wanna-be celebrities, it didn’t matter. Hell, he’d even managed to bag himself some closeted A-listers who walked the red carpet with their supermodel girlfriends or actress wives and then secreted themselves away with him in some remote motel where he’d fuck them until they couldn’t remember their own names. Then he’d had the pleasure of brushing elbows with them at some event or fundraiser and he’d see the flash of fear in their eyes as they wondered if he’d end up outing them right then and there. He never did of course, but he’d enjoyed the perverse game once he understood the rules. And part of the rules was that none of the men and women who fawned over him or called him brilliant or gushed about his books were his friends. Money, fame by association, connections – those were the things the people in his circle wanted…no, expected from him.

It would have helped if Luke had been like that, even just a little. At least then Gray could turn off that switch inside of himself that let him believe this time might be different. That maybe the things Luke needed from him had nothing to do with who he was but who he should have been before he’d allowed fame to grab hold of him and twist him into something he no longer recognized. But as far as he could tell, Luke didn’t know the extent of his fame and more importantly, he hadn’t even tried to find out. One Google search and Luke would have learned who he really was, how much he was worth and what the tabloids would have paid just to even know where Gray was hiding out. And if Luke knew the entire truth about why Gray was in Montana – well, he’d be set for life because Gray would pay any amount to keep his secret for as long as possible.