finding Reese.: a SAFELIGHT novel vol.2 (SAFELIGHT Series) (14 page)

I know I was spared for a reason, but I don’t know what the reason is, and the truth is I don’t think I’ll ever know. My life as I knew it is over. I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt for living, and for a guy who has lived so high on motherfucking life, I can’t even stand straight on my two legs, let alone be the redeemed Olympic champion the world saw in me a little over eight weeks ago.

As the effects of the pain medication spreads through my body, I feel the madness in my head calm down. My body feels numb, kind of like when I used to get plastered, and for now that helps me relax. It doesn’t take long before I don’t have the power to think anymore, and I’m fast asleep like the dead. No memories, no nightmares just me, alone in the darkness, buried by the burden of the pain I’m living.

A warm set of hands touch my face, and I’m woken up by Catalina’s kind voice.

“Jax?” she whispers.

My eyes flutter open, and I raise my arms over my head to stretch them. Despite having a slight fog in the head, I feel well-rested and in better spirits than when I went to sleep. I slowly sit up in bed and rub my eyes, all in between yawns. As my eyes adjust to the dim lighting, I smile.

I like these moments when I wake up. I have about three minutes of peace, as my body warms up and gets geared for whatever life has in store for me. Three minutes where my brain and my heart don’t connect. Three minutes of momentary bliss. But as soon those three minutes are up and my mind connects with my heart and soul, I’m screwed. The images, memories, and everything that has tormented me since the avalanche bring me to my motherfucking knees.

I reflect back on yesterday, which was yet another bad day in the on-going list of shitastic ones I’ve had since the avalanche, where once again Catalina was on the receiving end of my frustrations.

“Jackson, you can’t cancel any more of your appointments. How will you snowboard again if you don’t follow through with your physical therapy?” she warns.

“Listen, Catalina. I appreciate you being around and stuff, but stop harassing me over the goddamn appointments! It’s
my
body,
my
choice. You’re not my fucking mother! Jesus Christ!”

As soon as those words left me I regretted them. I know Catalina is the last person in the world to deserve my anger. But I’m too proud, and I’m definitely a pussy for not apologizing when I fuck up. If she ever slaps me hard across the face I wouldn’t put up a fight because I know better than anyone I deserve it. Instead, she always smiles, not once losing her cool despite my shit attitude.

I’ll admit having Catalina around has made this recovery process easier, even though I’ve been a total asshole to her. I’ve pushed her away, yelled at her, treated her like I don’t give three shits about her, yet she stays put, not losing her patience, loving and caring for me, and showing me the hard way I’m loved and worthy of everything. Deep down I know it’s the depression talking, and mix that with the meds and the terrible pangs of pain in my legs, I’m one giant cluster-fuck of a mess.

“Jax?” her soft voice beckons again. I turn my head to face her, and raise one of my hands to cover hers.

“Hey,” I reply, my voice raspy and dry. Just another side effect of the stupid meds. I reach out for the glass of water beside me, and chug it down.

Grabbing my empty glass, Catalina says, “Dr. Badcocke is here. I called his office to see if he could come over when I stopped by to check on you earlier. I noticed you were out like a light and figured you might cancel on him which I won’t allow again. He’s waiting for you in the gym.”

I nod and sit on the edge of the mattress. As soon as I stand, I feel woozy and my ass lands back on the bed. “Whoa. Stop the world.”

Catalina crouches in front of me, her worried eyes scanning the nightstand. She bites her inner cheek, and asks, “Jax, how many pills did you take?”

I give her the are-you-fucking-kidding-me look. I know I’ve been low, but things haven’t gotten out of control. I inhale deeply, trying to think my words through.

“Just the two I’m supposed to take, Cat. I think I didn’t eat well before taking them. Come to think of it, all I’ve had to eat today was the grilled chicken salad and the creepy-looking, good-tasting juice you made . . .”

Pardo tuts and shakes her head at me, and I reply by sticking out my tongue. She flips me two middle fingers with a ‘blow me’ look on her face.

“Okay, Jax. You can’t do that, because these meds are like horse tranquilizers, and they will shred your stomach lining. You have to eat, babe.”

I nod, feigning annoyance. She ignores me, and offers her hand. Once my hand is wrapped around hers, we walk towards the gym where Dr. B is waiting for me. As we walk through the doorway, Jupiter meets us and trades places with Cat.

“You okay there? You look a little green, buddy,” he asks with a worried look on his face. I’m not going to lie. I feel like tossing my goddamn cookies.

Taking large gulps of air, I tell him, “Dipshit here forgot to eat before taking his pills. Bleh.”

Jupiter chuckles softly, and walks slowly beside me guiding my steps. I look over my shoulder to make sure Cat is out of earshot. “Dude, she has been freaking out over you leaving. She’s worried.”

He sighs, and I know he’s feeling like shit about it. “Make sure you keep an eye on her while I’m gone. I’m a mess myself because I keep reliving the bullshit I went through with Oli. I have half a mind to cancel the assignment altogether. Mom says it’s a good idea to go back to work so . . .”

I stop dead in my tracks and turn to face him. “Lizzie put you up to this?” Lizzie has never been the kind of parent who meddles with anyone’s lives, so hearing him say that is weird.

Jupiter eyes me and says, “No, asswipe. She didn’t. I called her a while back and told her how I feel about Catalina, and how I think I’ve been smothering her since we met. I told her I was thinking about returning to work, but was worried she’d run off and lose interest in me. Mom said a little distance between us could make us stronger, and you know more than anyone Mom is almost never wrong. I’m leaving not because I want to hurt Catalina. The client is demanding only to work with me, and the pay is insane. I’d be a liar if I don’t admit I miss working. At the end of the day, I need to prove my relationship with Catalina is ready for the next step. Having a little distance put between us will give us both a new perspective. Does that make sense?”

I nod, and smile at his honesty. He’s leaving for their relationship, to make it healthy and grow. I totally get it, but my humor gets the better of me. Wiggling my eyebrows, I gab, “No worries, man. I’ll make sure to keep her, erm, entertained, while you’re away.”

Jupiter stops and frees my hand, and I cringe, knowing what’s coming. His usual, angry old man temper comes out.

Smack.

“Oww,” I gripe, as my hand reaches to soothe the back of my head. “Why’d you do that for?” I ask between chuckles.

“You know why, you jerk. You will
not
be entertaining Catalina in
any
way, got it? I will saw your balls off and serve them on spaghetti.”

I raise my hands in defeat as loud laughs escape me. “I was kidding! Jeez.”

“Good, because I mean it.”

He takes hold of my hand and when we reach the gym, he tells the good doctor his patient almost didn’t make it in one piece. I shake my head, still laughing, and lay down on the mat where Dr. B will be working on my stupid legs. Catalina walks in and looks at us with a knowing smile. Jupiter kisses her, and whispers something into her ear, which makes her turn the color of ripe tomatoes.
Those two.

Catalina crosses her arms and walks towards me with an unmistakably embarrassed look on her face. I raise my hands and cross them behind my head with a smug smile. She pokes me in the ribs, which are still super tender, and my arms come down to shield them as I grimace.

“Why do you work him up, huh, Jax?” she teases with a huge smile.

“Oh, you know, I like to mess with the old man. Damn, you two need to get anger management classes. You guys like to abuse me without reason,” I scold in mock disgust. Catalina points her finger at me, her eyes zoning in on my ribs again. “
Don’t you fucking dare, Pardo!
”

She holds onto her belly and laughs. I join in, but keep my eyes on her because, like Stryder, she can be unpredictable and playful. Cat kisses my cheek and leaves the gym, no doubt to make whatever time she has left with Jupiter count. I’m left to my own devices with the good doctor.

“Okay, Jackson. Today we’ll be working on the range of motion of your Sartorius muscles in your thighs,” Doctor Torture Cock says with a smile. “Are you ready?”

Sure.
I’m pretty sure he’s a sick, demented bastard who enjoys forcing my muscles into doing things they aren’t ready to do.

“Mmm-hmm,” I reply under my breath.

He lifts my leg and positions it at a ninety degree angle. I bite my tongue in preparation for the massive pain that will surely follow. “Try to bring your knee in as close as possible to your chest, okay?” the Doc encourages.

As I move my leg, I pray the next hour goes by quickly because the pain is unreal.

“Have I mentioned I hate this?” I tell Dr. B through gritted teeth.

“I know, Jackson. But it’s a necessary evil. If you want to snowboard again, you have to endure this,” he replies while holding my leg.

“Fuck! Why not shoot me instead and take me out of my misery?”

“With all due respect, Mr. Reese, you don’t pay me to pity you. I can empathize with your pain, but your biggest roadblock is your mind,” Dr. B declares, meaning all business and zero pleasure.

I shrug my shoulders on the mat and mentally curse him and his entire lineage for the pain that follows. I can’t believe I’m paying him thousands of dollars to make me cry like a goddamn baby. I can’t wait for this rehab bullshit to end.

I look at the picture hanging on the wall to our right. It’s me when I was about twelve going down Thunder Ridge Mountain. I keep my eyes focused on it during the entire session, thinking about that day. It seems like yesterday I was this goofy kid without a care in the world, just shredding lines and having fun.

Despite my insolence towards rehab, deep down I know the good doctor is right. It’s all in my head. If I can get my heart to connect with my brain, I’ll heal with time, and if I try my damndest, I can be a champ again. My family is counting on me, so is the country, but more importantly, so am I.

T
HE SMELL OF FRESHLY
MINCED
garlic and sweet basil wafts in the kitchen as I work on making us dinner. This is my second-to-last night here in Casper before my month-long assignment overseas, and I’m dreading leaving those who I love behind. I want to make my time here with Catalina memorable, so today I’m cooking for her for the first time. I’ve made sure to call my Dad and ask him for Nonna’s sauce recipe, and even went through the painstaking process of making fresh Cavatelli on the granite countertop.

My mind is racing a mile a minute, thinking how amazing my life has been since I met Catalina. Sure, it hasn’t been easy, but all in all, life is amazing at the moment. I try not to dwell on the duration of my assignment, because it will only make the wait seem longer than necessary. This upcoming assignment will give me more than ample time to set my plans in motion. If you thought I was going to sit idle while several oceans divide us, well, you’re mistaken. I’m going to find myself and determine the next step I’ll take to make the love of my life
mine.
People change with time, or with love, and it’s mind-blowing to think I’m eager to ask Catalina the one question I swore I’d never ask again.