Finding Strength (11 page)

Chapter Seventeen

Present Day

“Dinner’s ready,” Zak tells us as he walks into the bedroom. He stops beside the bed and offers me his hand to help me up.

“I’m going to go ahead and go to the dining room.” Amy walks out leaving the door open.

I take Zak’s outstretched hand and he helps me get up. As soon as I am standing and steady, he pulls me into his chest. I savor the feeling of him, strong, solid, and safe. His hands stroke my back, I lean into him, fisting my hands in his shirt.

“I love you, Anna.”

“I love you, too,”

I wasn’t feeling very well after dinner, so I went to bed. Zak called the twenty-four hour nurse hotline and they told him that I needed to see my doctor. Before I fell asleep, Braxton and my parents came in to tell me goodnight. It worries me what my son is going to have face in the future. What my parents will have to endure. How will Zak handle what we both know seems so inevitable? Worry only makes things worse, but how do you not worry when it’s your family? I fall asleep with all of these questions churning around in my head, stopping only when the darkness consumes me.

The doctor’s office isn’t as crowded as it normally is, so hopefully we can see the doctor soon. We’ve been here for about a half hour, looking through magazines, trying to keep our minds on something other than my health. The nurse calls my name and Zak and I follow her down the hall, he lets me lean on him as always so that I can keep my balance.

“The doctor will be in shortly,” the nurse says, once she has taken my vitals, charted them, and goes to leave the exam room.

“Thanks,” I say to her.

A few minutes later, Dr. Hammond, a sweet, tender soul, enters the room. Her face is marred with worry as she looks over my chart.

“Hey, Anna. What’s been going on with you?” she ask, sitting on the stool and wheeling it closer to the exam table.

I tell her my symptoms, not feeling well, nausea sometimes, lack of energy, and difficulty breathing. She listens to me breathe with her stethoscope, checking my heart and lungs. 

“I’m going to order an x-ray and CT scan, I would like these done as soon as possible so I’ll put an order in for STAT and the receptionist will set it up. You should be able to go over to the hospital and have both test done this morning. I also want a full blood work up done as well. Once I have the results, I’ll give you a call and we’ll see what we need to do from there. It sounds like there is more fluid than the last time I saw you, so we may have to drain it again. I won’t know for sure until the results are back. There is
a
chance that we can just increase your medicine if the amount of fluid isn’t substantial,” she informs me.

“Thanks, Dr. Hammond,” Zak says, offering her his hand for a handshake.

She takes his hand and says, “You’re welcome. If either of you need anything, don’t hesitate to let me know.”

The receptionist called over to the hospital to set up the x-ray, CT, and bloodwork. Luckily, they were able to do it right away, so we left and went straight to the hospital. After filling out the paperwork, I was called back to do the x-ray first and then I would be taken to CT. The test took all of thirty minutes for both, then I was sent over to the lab for the blood draw. That didn’t take long and soon we are on our way home.

Neither of us talked on the way home, both lost in our own thoughts. I knew fear plagued Zak because it plagued me, too. I guess we both just thought that if we didn’t put a voice to it, then it wouldn’t be real. I thought that maybe I could spare him anymore hardship or heartache if I at least kept my fear to myself. It’s probably not the best idea I’ve had, but for now it seems to work for me. I wanted so much to be strong for my family, for myself.

We stopped at The Chicken Bucket and picked up some fried chicken for everyone for lunch. My house has been the central hang out ever since I got sick, so we ordered the big bucket and got several different sides.

By the time we got home, I was drained. Zak made me a plate of food and then helped me into bed, once again propping the pillows behind me. This time, he ate lunch with the others.

I was laying down, dozing off, when Amy came into the room. “Hey, how are you feeling?” she asked, taking the seat next to the bed.

“Tired, but I’m okay.”

“Why don’t you get some sleep and we’ll pick up where we left off in the morning?” she says, brushing the hair back off of my face.

“’Kay. Thanks, Amy.”

She shuts the door as she leaves the room and a few minutes later, I am out like a light.

When the morning light cast its glow inside the bedroom, I had already been awake for a while. I watched as the dust motes danced in the golden light. Zak left about twenty minutes ago to take Braxton and Allie to a friend’s house for the day, who was having a birthday party. My mom is in the kitchen making crepes while my dad keeps her company. I can hear her humming while she cooks.

“Well look what the cat drug in,” I tell Amy when she walks in looking rather disheveled.

“I couldn’t sleep last night and I didn’t think you would mind me coming in my natural state,” she says, grabbing my brush and running it through her hair.

“How come you didn’t sleep?”

“I don’t know. My mind was all over the place and I just couldn’t get my mind to cooperate with my body
.
One of those things, I guess.”

My mom brought us both a plate with strawberry crepes, topped with whipped cream and some coffee. Her and my dad joined us in my room for breakfast since everyone else was out of the house. Zak came in a few minutes later and quickly joined us along with the plate my mom had set on the table for him. It was nice having everyone piled up in here, but I was ready to work on the diary for Braxton. It wasn’t long after, that Amy and I were left to ourselves.

August 21
st
, 2008

I walked ahead of Zak into the house, turning on lights as I went. I pointed to the living room and told him to make himself at home while I put Braxton to bed. Thankfully, Braxton fell asleep on the way home after chattering to himself trying to stay awake. I carefully changed his clothes then laid him in his bed. Just looking at him now, I realize how big he is getting and how much more he looks like Jacob. My heart constricts with the lingering pain of missing him, of him missing this, his son.

“You okay?”

I turn at the sound of Zak’s words. He’s leaning against the doorframe. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t even hear him come down the hall.

“Yeah, I’m okay. It’s still so hard sometimes.”

“I know you don’t really know me that well, but, you can talk to me about anything. If you ever need to just vent or to have someone lend an ear, I can be that for you,” he says. The sincerity I see in his eyes almost sets the tears I was holding back cresting over my eyelids.

“Thank you, Zak. I appreciate that.” I sniffle trying to force the tears back. “Let’s get that coffee.”

I make a pot of coffee and we sit at the table in silence as it brews. The only sounds are the gurgling coming from the machine as is it percolates. I’m again lost in my thoughts and am startled when Zak speaks, breaking the quiet.

“What’s your favorite color?”

“What?” I ask, somewhat lost coming back to reality.

“What’s your favorite color? If we are going to be friends and get to know each other, what better way than to begin with the basics.” And there’s that smirk again.

“Orange, yours?” I answer, then return the question.

“Blue. Favorite sport?”

“College football. Favorite team?” I returned.

“Crimson Tide.”

“Score one for you, that’s my team, too,” I tell him, slapping his hand he has put up for a high five. “Favorite book?”

“I don’t have one. I wasn’t ever much into reading.”

“Well that was the fastest friendship ever,” I say, trying to keep my face serious.

“What do you mean?” he questions.

“I can’t be friends with someone that doesn’t read,” I reply, desperately trying not to laugh at the incredulous look on his face.

“In that case, I may just have to start.”

“Good answer.” My face breaks into the smile I was trying to contain, and his answering smile is nothing short of breathtaking.

We continue to play twenty questions over our coffee and find that we actually have a lot in common. This friendship thing may not be so bad after all. Not that I thought it was a bad thing to begin with, other than me worrying about how much control I have over my own heart. Trouble is, when you give your whole heart to someone, and they die, especially in the way Jacob was taken from me, you don’t ever really get it back. And what’s left of it is so shattered that it seems a lifetime wouldn’t be long enough to put it all back together again. Maybe sometimes we don’t have a choice, and maybe, just maybe, it takes someone else to help us heal.

Zak left for the night with nothing more than a hug and I trudged up to bed. A little tired, but more wired from the coffee I drank so late at night. I decided it would probably help to stand under the hot spray of the shower. That might just release the tension and make me sleepy enough to at least get a little bit of decent sleep. The nightmares have not stopped completely, but they have become a lot less nowadays.

The shower helped and now I feel a little more relaxed. I dress for bed and sit on the edge debating on whether I should read a little or try to sleep. I notice the time glowing red on the alarm clock, showing almost midnight. No reading tonight as I am sure Braxton will be up early. I lay down and pull the covers up to my neck. To my surprise, my eyes start to feel heavy so I allow them close. I fall asleep to the replay of my conversation with Zak and for the first time since Jacob’s passing, I fall into a deep, restful sleep.

I am awake before the sun comes up yet I haven’t felt so rested in a long time. Slipping on my house shoes, I peek in on Braxton, who is still snoozing, before heading to the kitchen for my morning cup of caffeine. While the coffee is brewing, I go get my kindle off of the night stand in my room, bringing my phone along with me. Once I have my cup in hand, I settle back into the chair and lose myself to yet another romance novel. It seems like I have just started the book when I hear Braxton moving around in his room.

“How’s Momma’s big boy?” I coo, picking Braxton up. “Are you hungry?”

“Yesh,” Braxton says, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Yes,” I try to correct.

“Yesh.”

There’s no point in trying to get him to say yes. It seems everything he says these days ends in sh. Of course, since he is almost four, I don’t push really hard to correct him. It will correct itself in time.

I make Braxton some blueberry pancakes. They’re his favorite and he will most definitely need a bath afterwards. He usually wears more of the syrup than his pancakes do. I make me a plate as well and join Braxton at the table. Just as I am about to enjoy the first bite of blueberry goodness, my phone dances and sings along with an incoming call. I pick it up and see Amy’s name across the screen.

“Hello?” I answer.

“Hey, Chicka!” Her chipper voice is too much this early in the morning and I know she is wanting to know about last night. “You been up long?”

“Amy, you know your beating around the bush is poorly executed. Besides, I already know why you called so you may as well just go ahead and ask,” I say without animosity, just plain stating the fact that I know her so well.

“Well, in that case, what happened with Zak last night?”

“Nothing really. He followed me home, helped me get Braxton’s things inside and that was it.”

“You let him help you? As in, let him in your house?” she ask, as if that’s the last thing she would ever expect me to do. Although, I guess my behavior over the past two years would cause her to question it.

“Yes, I did. And before you get any ideas, nothing happened.”

“I didn’t say a word. No ideas, nope, not this girl,” she says, trying to sound all innocent.

“Uh huh, I see you’re turning on the charm now.” I laugh at her which causes her to laugh as well. She knows she isn’t fooling anyone.

“I know you’ll tell me later, at some point, you always do. Even if you don’t want to admit anything now, I know you, Anna.”

“There’s nothing to tell. I need to get Braxton in the bath, he just put his syrupy hands in his hair,” I say, trying to grab Braxton’s hands before he adds to the mess already on top of his head.

“Okay, you coming over today?”

“Yeah, I’ll be by later. See ya.”

“See ya,” she says, then hangs up the phone.

I get Braxton from his chair and hold him out from me as to not get as sticky as he is. Poor kid is covered from head to toe with syrup. I’m not too sure how he managed that one. I set him down on his feet on the bathroom floor and run the bathwater for him. Once the tub has enough water for him, I shut the water off and strip Braxton down, putting his sticky self into the water. I get him cleaned, ending up almost as wet as he is, then get him out and dry him off. I carry his towel wrapped body to his room and get him dressed for the day. After getting myself ready, packing a bag for Braxton, we are on our way to spend the day with Amy and Allie.