Finding the Dream (For the Love of Music #1.5) (18 page)

“I just want to go home,” Sierra said from the passenger’s side.

Hanson gave her the one-minute sign, and said, “I just want a sec with my friend.”

Donovan swallowed hard before trying to find his voice. “I wrote to ask you. I… It was weird. I’d
never
looked or thought about her that way before, but—”

“You were together long enough to have sex, but not long enough to put together an email aside from please call me?” Hanson’s voice was hurt, not angry. So much worse than angry.

Donovan cringed. “The sex wasn’t exactly planned, it just…happened… And now…” He was still reeling. They hadn’t had a chance to talk. He couldn’t absorb.

“So, what…” Hanson folded his arms. “She was some one night stand?”

“No!” Donovan pushed out a breath. “You can hate me for this, but please don’t take it out on her. I came home. It was late.”

“You were drunk.”

“Yeah,” Donovan admitted. There was no point in lying to someone who knew him as well as Hanson.

“I expected better from you.” Hanson backed up a step. “I’ll be down in a day or two.”

“I expected better from me too.” But he wasn’t sorry. Unless Sierra was…

Donovan slipped into the car, his stomach rolling in disappointment and frustration that things hadn’t happened in the “proper” order. He started the car and pulled away just as Hanson let the front door close behind him.

“I just want away,” Sierra said.

Pregnant. A kid. A baby. Maybe. A pissed off family. The feeling that no matter what he did, he’d never escape the “trailer trash” label that had followed him through high school.

Donovan pulled over in a gas station parking lot. His head spun. His hands gripped the steering wheel. His heart felt like it would explode from feeling too many things at the same time.

“I’m so sorry,” Sierra whined next to him as her body started to shake in sobs.

“Whoa. Hey…” He reached over and cradled her against him. “Take a breath.”

“I don’t… This is my fault. My parents and my brother and me, and I’m…”

“So this is real?” Donovan asked. “You’re really pregnant?”

“Says e.p.t. and First Response. Yes.”

He was terrified, but not terrified. Less scared than when Alyson had hinted they might move in together. Was it Sierra that made it less terrifying? The idea that he might be a dad? Was this okay in a weird sort of way? But what about her? What did she want?

“Wh-what…” he stuttered. “What do you want to do?”

She opened her mouth, but no words came. “I’m… um…”

He cupped her cheek in his hand. “Your body. Your decision.
We
did this together, so I want to be here for you. With anything. Everything. But you have to be completely honest with me. What do you want?”

“You know so many pregnancies just abort themselves, right?” she asked.

He felt a stab of loss instead of a stab of relief. “I know.”

“As soon as I saw the plus sign, I knew I was going to be a mom.”

Tears pricked at his eyes but he forced his body to let out a slow breath. “I’m here, Sierra. I’m here. We’re doing this together.”

Sierra tugged on him more tightly, and he wrapped her up in his arms. “I’m so sorry about my family.”

“It’ll work out.” But he wasn’t sure if it would. He had to focus on this woman next to him and on what his next steps would be. Once again he’d taken a giant leap off a cliff instead of baby steps, and it was scary as hell.

As soon as Sierra slid back into her seat, Donovan pulled out his phone to send Hanson a text.

Your sister is like no one else. I know her. You know me. Come down. Let’s talk. I want this to be okay.

No matter what happens, I have to make my family see that Donovan’s not the bad guy here, and I have to make sure Donovan keeps moving forward with his plan to go on tour. No one gives up this kind of opportunity. Not for anything.

A baby. I’m going to be a mom
.

- Sierra

There has to be a good way to show Hanson and Clark that I meant well. That I want to take care of Sierra. I wanted to yell at them—You know me! I’m a good guy!—But maybe that’s the problem. They do know me. I’m stupid if I think I’m good enough for Sierra. I also need to see if there’s a good way to get out of going on tour. I can’t imagine not going. But I also can’t imagine leaving Sierra behind. Not now.

A baby. I’m going to be a dad.

- Donovan

Twenty-two

Sierra’s head rested on Donovan’s chest as they lay on her pink sheets.

“I feel like I should be actively
doing
something for you right now,” he said quietly as he ran his fingers up and down her arm.

Just the feel of her against him and the feel of her skin on his settled him in a way he never expected. Now that her parents knew and were pissed, and her brother knew and he was pissed, there was no point in trying to keep his distance anymore.

He was already in far too deep for their opinions to sway his actions.

“Yeah. But I’ve been reading since I found out, and there’s…nothing. I mean, I need to stop my binge drinking,” she teased. “But aside from that I’m okay.”

“And do you… Do you want this, are you resigned to it, are you… I don’t know…” He wanted her to
want
this. How was that possible?

“I’m not even sure I really understand yet.” She slid an arm around him. “I feel like I could have prevented all this worry for you. I could have been open with my parents from the beginning. I could have sent Hanson a letter. I could have been on top of my birth control shots. I could have
not
practically seduced you that night…”

“Hey.” He tightened his arm around her. “I’m… I’m weirdly okay with this. And maybe that’s not the right way to say it. I’m sorry because I’m very sure this isn’t what you planned for yourself this year, but…
I’m gonna be a dad
and that feels amazing in a way I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to describe.”

Her head rested from his chest and she looked down at him, her hair falling off to the side of her face. “Are you real?”

“Totally real.” He smiled. “Totally imperfect, but I’ve also been thinking.”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t leave right now.”

“What?” She sat up. “That’s totally not okay. Not acceptable. Please. Van.” Her words tumbled over each other, and her breathing came in short bursts.

“Whoa.” He sat up and rubbed his hand up and down her arm. “Why is this such a big deal?”

“Because this opportunity is
such
a big deal. This is… This is what I’ve always thought you were capable of. Always. If you stayed home, I’d second-guess all the time. I’d feel guilty all the time. For… For who knows how many years. You cannot do that to me.”

“And how do you think I’ll feel leaving the girl… Leaving the girl I love behind when she’s maybe going to be the mother of my child?” His heart pounded in fear and uncertainty, but…excitement in looking forward to what would come next for them.

Sierra bit her lower lip as her lips pulled into a smile. “I think I love you too, Van.”

He wanted to hear those words again and again and again. Maybe he’d get to. Spread out over days or weeks or months or years…
Years
. He stared into her eyes wanting to absorb every bit of the feeling of immeasurable importance. Like they both stood on the edge of something so big that they had to cross it together. And they would.

“But I will never forgive you if you don’t go.”

He leaned forward until his forehead rested against hers. “I’ll be in Oregon near the beginning of the tour. I’m not even sure we’re spending the night here, but you could ride up with us to Washington, or…”

“I’m going to pretend I won’t see you at all for three months. Getting to be with you, even a little bit, will be amazing.”

“Are you real?” he teased.

“I don’t want to be away from you either, Van. Especially not right now, but I’m also smart enough to know we’ll both be sorry in one year, or two, or five…”

“Your family will never forgive me. Knocking you up and then taking off.” Donovan planned to write them each an email or try to call, but he didn’t figure they’d be ready to talk for a while.

She rested her hands on his face. “They will.”

Maybe.

“I’m going to miss you.”

He had a girl. He had a new career. A new dream, or at the very least, a huge leap past the old one. “I’m going to miss you too.”

Sierra parted her lips and kissed him. And then again. Donovan might have to leave early, but he wasn’t going to leave before she got to be with him again.

She slid her hands up his shirt and her stomach tightened in how she wanted him.

“Should we be doing this?” he asked as his fingers found the back of her bra.

“Definitely yes.”

His lips found hers again, and she couldn’t kiss him deeply enough, hold him tightly enough against her. “At least we don’t have to worry about you getting pregnant, huh?”

Sierra snorted.

He paused. “I’m sorry. I should not joke about that.”

“You should.” She softly bit his lip. 

Van rested his hands on either side of her face and stared as if trying to memorize her. “Everything will be okay because we both want it to be.”

“Yes,” she agreed. “Everything will.”

She shrugged out of her shirt and helped Donovan shrug out of his.

His fingers hooked in the side of her panties and he stopped, almost waiting for her to tell him to stop. Instead she lifted her hips and let him take of the last bit of clothing. His fingers ran down her legs. Her panties caught on her ankles. His briefs caught on his. She chuckled. He kissed her mouth. Her smile was so wide, it was hard to kiss him back, but she couldn’t stop.

His lips found her cheek and then her neck and then the spot directly between her breasts. He scooted further down in bed.

Never in her life had she actually felt desired. Like the man touching her wanted
her
instead of just a body. Donovan’s lips slid up her thigh, planting a kiss in the soft place where the top of her thigh met her stomach.

“I love every bit of you,” he whispered as he kissed up her stomach, pausing to place his hand just under her bellybutton before kissing her stomach.

Sierra grasped his arms and tried to tug him back up to her.

His fingers slid back and forth across her stomach. “You’re sure this is okay?”

She chuckled and grasped his arms tighter. “It’s fine. Pregnant people have sex all the time.”

He pressed his cheek to her stomach and Sierra ran her hands over his hair. Let her fingers touch the barbell in his eyebrow. “You’re going to kill the mood, Van,” she whispered with a laugh.

Donovan’s lips found her stomach again and then her breasts, and then his fingers began tracing under her breasts, down her side, between her legs. Every movement made her body shiver and her stomach tighten in anticipation.

“Am I bringing the mood back?” he teased before kissing her jaw.

“Yes,” she squeaked.

And then his mouth was on hers and his weight was on her and their hands were together and their bodies were together. And she hoped his heart was as full as hers.

Twenty-three

“My eyes!” Hanson yelled with a laugh. “Get dressed and get your ass out of my sister’s bed.”

Donovan blinked and blinked again.

Hanson stood in their doorway with a smile.

Sierra rolled toward him, pressing her face into his chest bringing a flood of very nice memories.

“I’ll be out in a sec,” Donovan whispered to his friend.

Hanson backed out of the room, closing the door behind him.

How was Sierra still asleep?

He felt his mouth pull into a smile. She was still asleep because they’d been up most of the night. Her face was relaxed and her breathing was deep and even. He rested his hand on her side, sliding his thumb over the side of her stomach.

A huge part of him wanted to cradle her and fall back asleep but Hanson was here. With a smile instead of a frown. That was something.

Donovan sat up and slipped into the clothes from the day before, and stepped into the hallway.

“She totally Sierra-fied our apartment.” Hanson stood in the living room spinning in a slow circle.

“I like it.”

“It’s…” Hanson gestured with his hands. “Far too put together for a bachelor pad.”

I don’t feel like a bachelor anymore.

Hanson tapped his forehead with the man version of his sister’s slim fingers. “I… yesterday…”

“A lot to take in at once,” Donovan said as he half sat on the back of the couch. “I know.”

“Too much for me, but then…” Hanson released a breath as if still looking for the right thing to say. “But then I realized that I know you. Of any guy that Sierra has dated, you’re by the far the best, smartest, most level-headed, and—”

“I didn’t go into this lightly,” Donovan said. “I promise. We had that one night, and then we both stepped back to try and be smart about everything.”

“I wish you’d have just told me in the email.”

Donovan stared at the ground. “I know. Obviously I wished I would have, too. I wanted to actually talk to you. I wanted you to be able to ask questions. To know that she feels like someone I could really be with. Long term. All of that. And I know I’ve screwed up with Clark. I wanted to get your ideas on that when we were on the phone too.”

“A baby will tie you two together more than any piece of paper or anything else. You do realize that,” Hanson said. “What’s she going to do?”

“If all goes well with her…” Donovan blinked again. Even getting ready to say the words out loud felt foreign. “We’ll be parents.”

Hanson laughed a little. “It’s weird, but the more I think about you two together, the more it’s not weird. The idea of being an uncle? That’s still weird.”

“I couldn’t sleep last night worrying about you and your dad, and…”

“You looked pretty sacked out this morning.”

Hanson was even teasing him. They really would be okay.

“I’m thinking about staying home. Not going on—”

“Hell no.” Hanson shook his head. “I’ll move into your room. I’ll try not to be nice to my sister while you’re gone, but Van… We both know she wants you to go, at least the sister I know wouldn’t want you to stay behind. Update your damn phone and learn how to use it, and it’ll hardly feel like you’re gone.”

“Why are you being so reasonable about this?” Donovan asked. “I’m the problem-kid who grew up with shitty parents in a crappy trailer and was homeless until your dad took me in.”

“And look what you’ve done,” Hanson said. “You’ve run that store by yourself twice now. I can trust you with that. I can trust you with my crazy sister.”

“Thanks.”

“Well.” Hanson clapped his hands together. “I think my estrogen levels went up way too high over the last few minutes. I’m going to head over to the store and see if Alyson can catch me up.”

“Okay.”

Hanson shook his head. “Give Dad a day or two. Then go back up and talk with them.”

“That’s all I have,” Donovan said. “A couple days.”

“Then use them well.” Hanson gave him a wave before heading back out the door.

Donovan slumped against the wall, weak with relief. It was really happening. All of it. Sierra, a baby, a music career (or the start of one). How had each his small steps turned into cliff dives?

Sierra paused next to the kitchen, her hair in a mess around her face. She pushed it back and took in the scene. Donovan stood at the stove scrambling eggs, his hair still damp from the shower.

How many mornings of her life might be like this? Another rush of warmth flooded her body.

“You’re cooking?” she asked.

“Morning gorgeous.” He picked off a bite of egg and plopped it in his mouth with a smile. “I learned from the best.”

“I’m
starving
.”

“And tired?” he asked.

“Not anymore.” Sierra blinked again. She’d slept in until ten, and still felt a bit disoriented.

“Your brother’s at the store. I thought maybe we’d pop in later?”

“How…” She brushed her hair back again as Donovan handed her a plate.

“He came by. You don’t remember that?” He chuckled as he walked for the couch.

Sierra followed. “None of it.”

“He’s coming around. Still weird, but to be fair he found out we were together and that you were pregnant all at once.” Donovan stabbed a few more bites of egg.

“You’re so…” Sierra gestured toward him with her fork. “Happy.”

“You know what? I wanted to go back into music slowly and start in with us slowly, and instead I leapt, and it was worth it. I don’t want to leave you, but—”

“You
will
go,” Sierra said before slipping a bite of egg into her mouth.

“I will.” He pulled in a long breath. “Part of me is totally railing against that idea, and the other part of me recognizes that it’ll be good for us in the long run. And…”

Donovan licked his lips and blinked a few times. “And the little person…”

Sierra rested a hand on her stomach. “I don’t feel different. I don’t know…”

“But if the pregnancy doesn’t work out this time, it will later down the road.”

Sierra felt her smile stretch across her face, expand her heart and send her stomach into flutters. “Yeah.” They were really, actually, a for-real thing.

“You need to show me how to update my Facebook status, okay?” Donovan asked.

“What do you mean?”

“So people know I’m taken. That’s a thing, right?” He leaned forward and kissed her cheek, the corner of her mouth, her lips. “Unless you’re sick of me.”

Sierra pecked his lips. No need for big kisses with eggy morning breath—even when the guy of your dreams has just said he wants the world to know you’re together. “I can do that.”

Donovan opened the door of Great Outdoors to laughter.

“What a wanker!” Chuck.

Donovan and Sierra paused.

“There’s the donor now!” Chuck laughed as he pointed to Donovan.

Donovan widened his eyes at Hanson. “You
told
him?”

“Of course he did,” Sierra answered. “Because that’s my brother. Worst secret-keeper in the world.”

“Coming from one of the best?” Hanson asked with a quirked brow.

Sierra’s hand tightened in Donovan’s as she smiled again. This is what he needed so he wasn’t afraid to leave—to see that Sierra had people and support. And she did. Something in him screamed that it was wrong, but he also knew Sierra wouldn’t back down on him going, and it made him love her more.

“And it sounds like this lovely lady in delicate condition is going to be left with us two apes while you’re gone.” Chuck tucked Sierra into his side.

She shook her head before pushing him away.

“No, she’ll be stuck living with me, and as long as she cooks for me as much as it sounds like she was cooking for Van, we’re going to get along fine.” Hanson’s brows danced.

Sierra let out a little nervous laugh before blinking. “This is… I can’t believe this is happening.”

Donovan wrapped his arms around her. He could do this now. In front of her brother. His friend. The world. He kissed the top of her head. “I love you,” he whispered. “I’m going to smother you every second until I leave.”

“Okay, okay.” Hanson gestured between them. “This is hitting my gag reflex.”

The group laughed a little.

“But the store looks great.” Hanson turned in a circle, looking at the store. “I logged in this morning and our profits look…amazing.”

“Thanks,” Donovan said.

“I still can’t believe I missed your Solomon’s gig and meeting Christian Meyer for a bah mitzvah.” Chuck sighed. “Damn cousins.”

Donovan shook his head. “The tour comes through Oregon. I’m sure I can…work something out.” He wasn’t sure what, but surely being of the people on tour, he had
some
sway.

“You better.” Chuck grinned.

Sierra’s phone rang and she slipped it from her pocket. “Mom.”

Donovan felt his body tense before he could force himself to stay relaxed. She stared at the phone for a moment longer before answering.

“Hey, Mom.”

Donovan held his breath and even Hanson stepped forward, watching Sierra as if he’d be able to decipher their conversation.

“Don’t come this way. We’ll come to you.” She swallowed before saying goodbye and slipping the phone back into her pocket.

Her eyes found Donovan’s. “She said they’re coming down to talk, but I told her we’d rather drive that way. I hope that’s okay.”

Donovan nodded his good mood slipping away. He had a three-hour drive to prepare himself for whatever Sierra’s father had to say.

His heart felt like someone had their fist around it. He didn’t want the beginnings of Sierra to be tainted, but he needed Clark to be okay with them. He’d take okay for now. He’d shoot for happy later on.