Authors: Giselle Green
Finding You (20 page)
‘Fearless Fearon,’ he comes back straightaway.
That’s the one. I need to reconnect with that time, I think. Things may have been tougher back then, but they were also much simpler in some ways. Dad and I lived in the flat above Naseem’s parents’ shop in Monkswell, Greater London, and me and Naz and his sisters walked to blooming St Maggies secondary school every morning, and the worst thing we had to worry about back then was dodging the bullies.
‘Back then, I knew exactly what I wanted out of life.’
‘You wanted so much to get out of there. I used to see that every time I looked at you. You wanted to use all that talent you were born with and make something of yourself. I always knew that you would.’ He glances around my garden again in admiration. ‘Someone like you could never be contained in a place as small and insignificant as Monkswell and I ... I wanted that for you, too. More than I even wanted it for myself,’ he adds feelingly.
‘I was never
fearless
, though,’ I confess now, glancing up at him.
‘I know,’ he surprises me by saying. ‘I always knew you were afraid. But you were brave, too. You did what you had to do, didn’t you?’
He’s going to mention how I used to invite myself into his Mum’s kitchen for a bite to eat a couple of time a week because we never had any food in our fridge at home, isn’t he? She never complained, always set another place for me as if I were one of her own but still ... I wince inside because I hate it, remembering all that, all those not-so-glorious moments from my past. But he doesn’t mention that.
‘You were brave last year, too,’ Naseem says softly. ‘When you went all out to find your son,
and you found him.
You had the courage of your convictions then, Julia. You’ll find the same courage again. Do whatever you have to do.’
‘What ... to take my son back to Spain, back to see Illusion?’ I give a strangled laugh. ‘Even though Charlie would go ape shit?’ No. I can’t do that. I don’t even know the full truth about the woman I’d be taking him back to see, do I? ‘I’ve convinced myself that Hadyn might be yearning for his other mama but ... it’s all conjecture on my part. What if it turns out Charlie was right, all along? I can’t run the risk ...’
‘Find out a little more about her, if you can,’ he urges. ‘At least, make an informed decision.’
‘
How
, though?’ I grit my teeth.’ No one I’ve asked is prepared to tell me anything about Illusion.’
‘You can’t find a single person?’ My friend looks genuinely surprised.
‘The only person I’ve been able to come up with who might be prepared to get me some info is Charlie’s ex, and I’d rather not involve her.’
Naseem looks thoughtful. ‘You really think Lourdes could find out anything for you, Jules?’
I pull my shoulders up. ‘I’m told the Santos family have extensive connections in that part of Spain. What Lourdes doesn’t know, I am sure she could find out.’
‘Would she
want
to help you out, though?’ he enquires with a wan smile.
‘That bit, I’m not so sure of. She might,’ I concede unwillingly. ‘She might if she thought it was a way to get to Charlie. Maybe the truth is,’ I add in a quiet voice, ‘I’m wary of letting her get anywhere near him again.’
I look at the ground, and there’s a little rivulet of water running over the top step now, like a mini-waterfall where Hadyn’s been emptying out his water pistol. It looks like a vale of tears, I think; it looks like I feel half the time. And I do not want to feel like this.
I have my child back. Shouldn’t that be enough?
But it isn’t. I know this. There are still some things left that I need to do for him.
In just under two weeks, Charlie and I are going to see Dr Noble’s paediatric team that our GP referred us to. I don’t know how far that will get us, but the week following
that
, I also have the pleasure of a meeting with Pippa Killman awaiting me. With all these appointments with high-flying health professionals coming up, I get the feeling that my personally preferred theory is going to be relegated to nothing but an echo in the wind. Who’s going to listen to me—especially if I have no evidence to support what I think? Then again ... if it means involving
Lourdes
, the route to getting that evidence seems fraught with its own hazards.
‘Maybe,’ I offer now, ‘I am just a coward?’
‘You’ve been afraid many times in your life, yes, but you were never a coward,’ Naseem is assuring me. ‘You did what you felt you needed to do.’
‘I did. But until it turned out I was
right
last year, everyone had turned against me, Naseem. They all thought I was a fool ...’
‘Not everyone,’ he reminds me. ‘And whatever else you are, Jules, you’ve never been a coward. And you’ve never been a fool.’
26 - Julia
‘I’m not sure this was such a good idea, J.’ Charlie and I are sitting in the café area of the St Catherine’s Paediatric Unit. After an hour-long session of questions while some of Dr Noble’s team observed Hadyn at play, a couple of the team have now asked to take Hadyn for some cognitive tests without us being in front. It’s giving Charlie and me a short break to re-group, but I can see Charlie’s come away looking upset and slightly shocked.
At the moment, I’m not entirely sure why.
‘But ... they’re lovely, friendly people aren’t they?’ I enthuse. They were certainly listening intently when I detailed all my concerns just now. ‘I got the feeling maybe ... they’d seen cases like Hadyn’s before,’ I run on. ‘Maybe children get separated from their parents more than we think and they see this reaction?’ And maybe—
finally
—we’ve found somewhere where we can get some sensible advice.
‘I think they ...’ Charlie draws in a breath, and I can see he’s just swallowed the first answer that came into his mind. ‘They’ve listened to us and they’re observing him. It’s what I expected.’
I lean in a bit closer, waiting for the
but
. ‘You’re not entirely happy though, Charlie?’
‘No.’ He takes a sip of his coffee and his lips curl. It’s cold, the milk congealing slightly on the top. ‘If I tell you the truth, I’m not. Because I can already see where this is going.’
‘You can?’ I look at him blankly.
‘You
do
realise what we’re doing here, don’t you, J?’ He frowns slightly and moves in a little closer as a group of interns mosey along by us, laughing and bantering, some of the girls lingering to do a double-take at Charlie as they pass. ‘We’re here because they’re looking for something, but the trouble is, as Pippa put it to me, they think they already
know
what they’re looking for.’
‘Well. What?’
‘Evidence of a pervasive developmental disorder.’
‘A pervasive ...’ Just that word on its own is enough to set my teeth on edge. What does that mean,
pervasive
? ‘That doesn’t sound very good, Charlie.’
‘It isn’t. And that’s not what’s wrong with him. With the best will in the world, I think we’re in the wrong place.’
My heart sinks. ‘So why aren’t we telling them ...’ I glance over my shoulder in case any of the team are on the way to fetch us back, but all’s clear. ‘Why aren’t we
emphasizing
everything that they may not be taking into account? Like the abduction, for instance. They know of it. They mentioned it when we first came in but since then it’s all been questions about his development and when did he reach his milestones—half of which I can’t answer because I wasn’t around for them.’ I grind to a halt, realising that I’ve started talking very fast and Charlie looks directly into my eyes.
Without any words exchanged between us, I can hear his thoughts, crystal clear:
You know what
, he’s considering saying to me,
right now I’m thinking that maybe we shouldn’t even have come here.
I look away before he comes out and actually says it because I don’t want to leave here just yet. I still want to know what these people, who seem so kind and so knowledgeable, think might be going on with our son.
‘How long are they going to be out with these cognitive tests, anyway?’ Charlie throws his arms behind his head, but it’s not a gesture of ease. I can see his foot agitating under the table and whilst I can sympathise, he’s still making me nervous. How can he be so patient and professional in his practice—some of those ops take
hours
—and yet not have the patience to wait here now?
‘They said someone would come looking for us when they were done,’ I remind him, but his discomfiture is catching. They
said
they’d only be half an hour or so, but they’ve already had our son quite a bit longer than that. Is it because he won’t play ball? I look through the window to the double doors, but there’s no member of Hadyn’s team anywhere in sight just yet. No one coming to tell us we’re free to go home.
‘What
is
a pervasive developmental disorder, anyway?’ I ask him reluctantly now.
‘One that can’t be sorted, J.’ Charlie leans in and takes my hand in his. His fingers are cold as ice even though we’re at the end of May already and today, the sun is beating down outside. ‘It’s a problem with their development,’ he explains. ‘When things don’t go according to plan.’
‘Like ...
what
?’ I breathe now.
What if they don’t think it’s that
? ‘They haven’t mentioned the word
pervasive
in my hearing.’ I venture.
‘Dr Noble had a word with me when you went to the ladies’,’ he says dully. ‘He says they have tests to complete but in his opinion, it’s looking that way.’
‘It is?’ I feel the sudden sting of tears in the back of my throat. What does it mean,
what does it all mean, anyway?
‘Don’t worry about it, J.’ Charlie shakes his head and his eyes look strangely glazed. He doesn’t feel like Charlie at all today, really. ‘They’re going to come back and tell us that he’ll need to come in for the whole-day assessment in a minute, but you don’t have to worry about it because Hadyn shouldn’t really be here. This is a mistake.’
‘It’s a mistake?’ My eyes narrow. ‘What about all the things they were asking us about him just now—the things they seemed to be checking off their list?’
‘That’s just it, honey. They’re almost the
exact
same things that Pippa Killman asked me when I first went to see her. Trauma can manifest in a child in just the same way as what these people are looking for. They’re going to get the answers they’re looking for, but they’ll misdiagnose him nonetheless. Pippa did warn me this might happen.’
‘Pippa warned you?’ I sit back a little in my chair now, considering what Charlie’s saying. I thought the reason we’d come to Dr Noble’s clinic today was so we could get a second professional opinion. If we’re already wedded to one point of view, maybe we shouldn’t have bothered coming. ‘She also advised you to get him seen by the paediatrician, too?’ I frown. ‘She said we needed to rule out other things before treating him for trauma?’
‘I’m sorry,’ Charlie comes back, pained. ‘She did warn me we might need an expert in
both
child trauma
and
naturally occurring developmental disorders in order to be able to tell the difference.’
‘But ...’
He spreads his hands. ‘I’ll level with you. I hoped this team would come up with something simpler. Tell us some other thing that would help our little boy, but all I’m hearing is ... that the news is worse from this lot than it is when I listen to Pippa’s theory. At least with her theory, we still have a hope of putting this right, don’t you see?’
‘Of course I see.’ I take in a breath, look Charlie straight in the eye. ‘You know I have my own views on what might be ailing him, too, don’t you?’ What if something
was
up, and it was very, very much simpler than all these doctor’s theories?
He’s shaking his head now, infuriatingly, dismissing me, and Naseem’s words come back, loud and clear. Charlie might be the doctor, but I’m the mum. He needs to listen to me!
‘Charlie, please, just listen for minute. You’ve sworn that you have no reason to think Illusion harmed our son—and yet you’re determined to believe he was traumatised by her?’ I can’t understand this. ‘If there
were
something else, you’d say, wouldn’t you?’ I plead.
‘You know I would, J.’
‘Then ... tell me why you won’t even consider the possibility that Hadyn’s simply missing Spain? That he’s missing
her
? That ... all he really needs is to be allowed time with things he feels safe and familiar with—doesn’t any of that make some sense to you
at all
?’
‘It makes a false sense,’ he concedes. ‘I know Pippa was very clear he’d be hankering after all those familiar things, but those are the things that might impede his progress the most. Trust me on this, honey.’
‘I want to, Charlie. I’m trying ...’
‘But ...
what
?’ His voice goes strangely quiet now. ‘If you’d trusted me last year, we’d never have seen our son again. I know.’ Christ, I know he’s upset, but ...
where did that come from
? I watch him fold his arms and gaze out of the wide, square canteen windows onto the yellow day outside.
I swallow. ‘I wasn’t going to say that, Charlie. I was going to say that all the things that Pippa Killman wants us to do, taking away any comfort Hadyn might have in the things that feel familiar to him—they feel so wrong to me. They feel cruel.’
‘Of course they do.’ Charlie pulls a strange face. ‘Tough love always
feels
wrong, Julia. That doesn’t mean it isn’t the best thing we can do for him right now. You can’t imagine I’m not tempted every day to spoil him rotten, myself?’
‘I imagine that you would be ...’ I begin.
‘I won’t, though, because that isn’t what he needs. He needs us to know what’s best for him and to be firm in delivering it. He’s got a connection with something that’s hurting him, and we need to help him break it. That’s what addicts have to learn to do.’ Then Charlie looks at me, his face crinkling in a strange mixture of sympathy and resolve. ‘You should know this, Julia. You’ve had to face this situation once before in your family already.’
‘What do you...’
‘With your alcoholic Father,’ he says without missing a beat.
My mouth drops open.
‘That’s what you’ve told me before, isn’t it?’ he persists. ‘That the night you ran away and left him, you
had
to leave him. He’d have destroyed you, otherwise.’
‘My father has absolutely
nothing
to do with...’ I can feel my face colouring. What is he bringing all this up for now? This is so unnecessary ...
‘I’m sorry, hon, if this is difficult to hear, but your father
is
relevant,’ Charlie insists, ‘because the night you made the decision to leave him, you accepted that the
only
route forward left for both of you was also the very last thing you wanted to do. You held out as long as you could, I know that. Shit, it was admirable just how long you stayed, but ...’
I put my fingers to my lips warningly as the pretty interns saunter back again, their plates piled high with coffee and salads and chips.
Leave this topic be, Charlie
. He takes the hint, but I’m smarting. How could he bring that up now, of all times, what he knows about my history with my father? That’s just cruel.
‘Look.’ His face softens. ‘I already know you’re desperate not to have Hadyn sent off to Pippa Killman’s trauma rehab clinic in Atlanta. Don’t you think I know that? But it might not even come to that, Jules. She might be able to see him here and sort it out without us ever going that far, but even if it does ... don’t you see it’ll only be for a few months? Three months, Pippa said.’
Jesus.
Three
?
Have these two been speaking about this in their lunchtimes, because I never heard him mention anything about...
‘Maybe four. And then we’ll have him back. Properly. For good. You’ll have him back, Jules.’ Then he adds, his voice wavering, ‘We have to trust that there’s something out there that can help us put this right, J. We
have
to.’
‘I do, though.’ My voice sounds strangely high and thin. Maybe it’s the comment he just made about my dad, still stinging, but if I’ve had to listen to stuff I didn’t want to hear, then so will Charlie ... ‘I don’t necessarily think it’s Pippa Killman who’s the woman with the answers, though.’
‘You haven’t even
met
her yet.’
‘I’m meeting her in a week’s time, aren’t I? I’m keeping it open. But I want you to keep open something else: that the answer might be, in the end, that we need to go back to Spain. We might need to go back and visit Illusion ...’
‘No.’ He stands up abruptly, his chair scraping so angrily across the floor that everyone in the café turns to look. Charlie leans in, lowering his voice. ‘By the love of God, no. You’re wrong, Julia. You’ve got this idea stuck in your mind, and you’ve become stubborn and irrational around it. Don’t you even
remotely
appreciate what it took to get us out of Spain? My brother ...’ He pushes his fingers through his hair distractedly, as if he can scarcely believe what I’m proposing. ‘You turning up there again and visiting Hadyn’s abductor ... what is that going to look like?’
‘She wasn’t his abductor. And I’m not being stubborn, Charlie. I’m trying to look at this in an alternative way to you, that’s all ...’
He sighs heavily and sits back down again, rubbing his face with his hands. ‘You don’t have to, though, Julia. Not this time. There is no need. We’ve got some very difficult decisions ahead of us, choices that we’re going to need to make. And soon.’ We both glance over his shoulder as the double doors go and a member of the assessment team comes in, looking to fetch us back now, the kind of strained smile plastered all over her face that bodes no good news. And Charlie begs me, ‘‘Please, J. You see how it is. We have to work together now, whatever happens.’
‘
Charlie
...’
