Finding You (By You #3) (34 page)

"What are you two doing here?" he said, his eyes darting between Sarah and Becca.

They both looked frightened as they stared between him and the bottle in his hands. He held it up like it was a weapon that would keep them away. He supposed it was.

"Stay back," he said. "Please just don't come any closer."

He stared at the ground in front of them, unable to look either of them in the eye. What were they doing here? They weren't supposed to see him like this. He just needed some time.

"Jeremy, don't do this," Sarah said, her voice desperate. "Please just put it down so we can go home."

"You shouldn't be here, either of you. Just leave."

"You know we can't do that," Becca said.

"I don't need your help. I can handle it."

"Are you going to handle it like you did last time?" Becca said. "Are you going to do it right this time, and keep drinking until you're dead? Is that going to be your way out?"

He winced and took another step back. His throat burned like it was on fire. He looked up at Sarah and saw the fear and desperation plainly on her face.

"I'm sorry. I never meant for you to find out like this."

Sarah took another step closer to him, holding her hands out. Her eyes were red and bloodshot, and it hurt to look at her, it hurt to see her in pain.

"Please, Jeremy. Please just come back with us. We can figure this out."

He shook his head and clenched his eyes together. He knew he never should have called Becca--shouldn't have told her that Sarah had his phone. Sarah was the only one that could have possibly found him. Maybe he meant it that way?

"Well, I guess that's that," he said, deflated. "I knew it couldn't last--it always had an expiration date."

"What couldn't last?" Sarah said.

He looked at her again, his chest tight and his heart racing. He waved a finger between the two of them. "This," he said. "This was never meant to last. I was delusional to even drag you into my fucked up life, to begin with."

She shook her head. "What are you talking about? I'm here to help you, Jeremy, we can work this out. You don't have to go through this alone."

He let out a laugh, though it came out more like a squeal.

"Don't you get it? I'm no good for you. I just end up hurting everyone around me, like I almost hurt you tonight." He winced when he thought about it again, when he thought about how close he'd come to losing her like he lost Dani. "It was only a matter of time before you figured that out."

"That's not true," she said, taking another step forward. "You didn't hurt me. I'm here--I'm fine."

He shuffled another step back. He couldn't bear to have her that close, it was just another reminder of the happiness he wasn't allowed to have.

"Then how do you explain tonight? Dylan? Dani?" A wave of nausea washed over him as he thought about them, but he pushed forward, tapping a finger to his chest. "They're both dead because of
me
. If it hadn't been for me they'd both be alive, still."

"Those weren't your fault. They were accidents, they could have happened to anyone."

"Accidents?" he said, his voice near hysterical. "Did she tell you everything about Dani? About what really happened?" Sarah shot a glance back at Becca, the pained expression still on her face. He tapped his finger to his chest again. "That was my fault.
I
was the drunk driver, that night." He held the bottle up in front of himself, regarding it as some twisted kind of trophy. "It wasn't an accident. It was
my
fault she died. I was the arrogant asshole who insisted on driving that night. Dani said we should just get a cab, she said we could just sleep it off, but I wouldn't hear it. I made her get in the car. I made her come with me. And now she's dead."

Tears fell down Sarah's cheeks, and the fire in his throat burned even hotter.

"None of us are perfect. You don't have to be perfect."

"Don't you see?" he said, talking over her. "I'm the worthless, piece of shit, alcoholic that does nothing but destroy everything he loves. And now someone else is dead, too..." Another wave of nausea came over him as he remembered one more person. The bottle fell to his side as he looked at Sarah, again. "And Reagan? Is she..."

Sarah shook her head. "She's hanging in there. We can go see her right now, if you want."

He let out a weak laugh as he shook his head.

"No, I'm afraid there's no going back for me." He had to look away from her again as he saw more tears start running down her cheeks. He couldn't handle seeing her in pain, even if he knew it was for the best. "You should go be with her. She's the one worth saving."

"I'm not leaving here without you," she said, her voice stronger than he'd expected. "Accidents happen. Shit happens. But that doesn't give you the right to do this to yourself--to do this to
me
."

"That's easy to say when you don't have to live with it. I have to wake up every morning knowing that I killed my best friend. You should get out while you still have the chance. It's only a matter of time..."

"I don't want to get out. I want you."

Jeremy felt like he was going to choke on fiery coals stuck in his throat. Didn't she understand he was doing this for her? It was better this way.

"I'll never be good enough for you."

She shook her head, a fierce look in her eye.

"You don't get to decide that. You don't get to make me feel this way, and then tell me that you're not good enough for me."

His lips trembled, as he tried to keep it together.

"You deserve someone that can make you happy."

Her jaw dropped open, and she shuddered. "Someone who makes me happy?" she said, disbelieving. She shook her head back and forth as every muscle in her body tensed. She quivered with rage. "I can't believe that," she said, mostly to herself.

"You know it's true," he said. "You deserve to be happy."

When her eyes locked with his again, she looked like a different person. She wasn't the sweet Sarah that he knew. She looked like she was out for blood.

"Fuck you, Jeremy," she spat, venom dripping from each word.

He gaped at her. "What do you mean?"

"You heard me. I said, fuck you." He could feel the seething anger in her voice more than he heard it.

He winced as though she'd struck him. "I--"

"Just
shut up
!" she screamed over him. "I've heard enough of your bullshit for one night."

She took another step forward. She was in his face now, but he couldn't move away. He could back down. Angry heat rolled off of her and her eyes were intense enough to burn right through him.
 

"Look, I know you had shit that happened to you. I know I'll never be able to understand the kind of pain you have to live with. But I've seen who you really are." She pressed a finger into his chest. "I've seen what's in here, the stuff you're really made of.
This
is the man I want.
This
is the man that brings me flowers.
This
is the man that holds me all night. And
this
is the man that loves to put those smiles on my face."

Her entire body shook as she stared at him. Her lips quivering with rage.

"Now, I don't know where he is right now, but I know he's still in there, somewhere. I know because he's the one who chose to come here, a place special to him, a place he'd shared with me so I would know where to find him. He's the reason I'm here. And he's the reason that bottle in your hand is still closed."

Her face was bright red, and tears started falling down her cheeks, again. Her whole body seethed with barely contained fury.

"Now, I don't know what demon from your past has a hold of you right now, and I don't care. But, what I do know is that the man inside here--" she tapped his chest, "--this is the man that showed me what happiness really feels like." Her face softened again, and more tears ran down her cheeks. "This is the man that showed me what it felt like to have someone shower you with their love. And this is the wonderful man that made me fall in love with him."

Her lips quivered again, but she steeled herself. And when looked Jeremy in the eye, her eyes were like two scorching furnaces ready to engulf him.

"So you go ahead and throw whatever little bitch fit you need to. You go ahead and have yourself a pity party for how bad your life is, and how much of a fuck up you think you are, and how you don't deserve anything. I don't give a shit about any of that."

Her nostrils flared and her voice shook. She took another step closer and looked him square in the eye.

"There's just one thing I want you to keep in mind. I want you to keep in mind that this man trapped inside of you, this man that I love, he didn't leave me when I was in trouble earlier. He didn't take the easy road and walk away. No, he
fought
for me. And I'll be
damned
if you think I'm going to leave him when he's in trouble, now. So, if you want a fight, you've got one. Because I love you, and I'm not leaving here without you by my side."

And just like that, Jeremy crumbled under her weight. He collapsed at her side, both arms wrapping tight around her as he heaved sobs for all the pain built up inside of him. But he wasn't alone. Sarah collapsed with him, her arms wrapped around him, protecting the man she loved.

In that vulnerable moment he finally realized what it was like to let someone love him the way he deserved to be loved.

Becca picked up the still closed bottle from where it had fallen, streaks of tears staining both of her cheeks. When her eyes met Sarah's, she gave her a single, approving nod, and whispered, "I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

But Sarah didn't say anything back. She rested her head against Jeremy and closed her eyes. She held him like that for a long time. She held him until his wet sobs turned to dry shudders. She held him until she was certain he'd released all of the pain that had been eating him from the inside out for so many years. She held him through all of that, and then she held him some more, just because she could, just because she loved him.

She didn't let him go until the sun had already started stretching its morning tendrils across the eastern sky. When their eyes met for the first time after she let him go, a relieved smile spread across her face. It was him behind those eyes, the man she'd fallen in love with, the man she'd been terrified of losing.

"Hey there," she said, softly, brushing her fingers against his cheek.

His lips stretched into a sad smile, too. He shook his head.

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything."

He let out a soft breath as his eyes took all of her in.

"What you did for me, those things you said..." He swallowed hard as the muscles in his jaw twitched. "I won't ever be able to make that up to you."

Her smile spread a little wider, and she cupped his cheek in her palm.

"You're here, aren't you? That's all I need. That's all I want."

"I am here," he said. Some of the strength returned to his eyes when he said it. "I am here. And I love you, Sarah. I love you in the sweet way that a little boy loves cartoons, and I love you in the fierce way that a soldier loves his flag. If the only thing I accomplish in my life is making that love known to you, everyday, then I'll consider my life worthwhile."

She blushed under his intense gaze. "I always said you were too sweet to me."

"You better get used to it, because I'm not going to stop any time soon."

"Good," she said. "Because I love you just the way you are. I always have."

Jeremy wrapped his around her and pulled her tight against him. She curled into her favorite spot on him, and let out a heavy sigh of relief. They watched the water splashing down the wall for a long time.

It was a peaceful place, a sanctuary from everything waiting for them back in the real world. She knew things weren't always going to be easy with him, she knew those demons from his past would always be lurking around, ready to plant their seeds of doubt. But she also knew that they could get through it together. Whatever it was that came their way, Sarah knew the intensity of their love wouldn't be diminished. And that intensity would be the beacon they used to light their way when things got dark.

It had only been a couple months since she'd left Green Falls to go off to college. She'd left her home behind to follow the man she thought she was supposed to be with. But he had just been the guide that got her from where she was to where she needed to be.

Sarah curled up against Jeremy and knew she'd found her new home, a home that she'd never be able to leave, no matter where the winds of the world took her.

* * * * *

Once they finally left the Water Wall, Sarah and Jeremy made a quick stop by the dorms to get cleaned up and put on some fresh clothes. Then they piled back into Braden's truck headed back to the hospital to check on Reagan.

Billie and Oz had left at some point in the night, and neither Braden nor Thom looked like they'd had a wink of sleep. Reagan's parents had made it to town at some point in the middle of the night. They thanked Sarah for being such a good friend to their little girl and wished they could have met under different circumstances.

Reagan's condition hadn't improved much, but she was stable. And that was as good of news as they could hope for. A few days later the doctors were able to unhook her from the respirator and wake her up. She was confused at first, but she was awake. The swelling in her brain receded, and the bleed had managed to heal on its own. It was going to take a while, but she was going to make a full recovery, and no one could have been happier about it than Jeremy.

He had spent as much time in the hospital with her as her family during the days that she was kept asleep. Sarah had started to worry about him, but she could tell it was something that he'd needed to do. For himself as much for Reagan.

Sarah's mother freaked out when Sarah told her about the accident. She wanted to rush to Houston, but Sarah convinced her to wait a few days until things settled down a bit. Sarah was just thankful that her insurance plan covered a rental car, so she didn't feel stranded while she traveled back and forth between campus and the hospital.