First Came You (Fate #0.5) (10 page)

“Whatever you say, darlin.’ What time does their set start?”

“Eight, but I was going to help them set up.”

“So, I’ll be over at six thirty. I got something for you. I’d like to give it to you before we go.” He’s so sweet. Even though I’ve been so detached.

I feel like a terrible person. Losing my parents made me lose track of all the things that mean the most to me. Maybe tonight I can change that, get back on track, invite Tommy into my new world and show him how it’s masking the pain. I’d like to think it’s healing me, but I’m not a fool. It’s going to take a lot more than some smokes and few new friends to pull me out of this.

“’Kay, sounds good. And by the way, did I miss an anniversary or something? What’s the gift for?” Knowing how jumbled I’ve been lately, I’m probably forgetting something important.

“I don’t need a special date to get the girl I love a gift. I just miss you, that’s all. It’s been a rough few weeks with me picking up more hours at the bank, school starting, and you studying so hard. And let’s not forget you becoming a Jacob groupie.” He taunts me with the last part, singing it like a kid sticking his tongue out and flashing his triple scoop ice-cream cone.

“I miss you too,” I admit, focusing on the part that should mean most. “Tonight will be good. Thanks for putting up with me.”

“Always, Gabriella. I’ll see you later. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

I hang up, hoping I haven’t just concocted a recipe for disaster. Jacob’s world and Tommy’s are very different. I’m sure they can manage small doses of each other, but mixing them together on a regular basis will be like getting oil and vinegar to blend.

As promised, Tommy shows up right on time. He’s dressed in a pair of casual jeans that hang off his hips, and a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His hair has grown some—maybe with the times, maybe with
lack
of time to get it cut—but either way, seeing him like this makes me remember all the reasons I fell in love with him. It’s a guilty emotion—I’ve pushed him away, unwillingly yet at the same time intentionally. A battle of the wills. There’ve been so many inner battles to deal with lately, but tonight I vow to let them slide and just get by.

Wrapping his arms around me, he leans in for a kiss. “Hey, you. I’ve missed you something fierce.”

Nuzzling into his warm embrace, I melt against him and decide I’ve missed this too, even if the last time I saw him was only four days ago. I silently hope he doesn’t start with the ‘are you okays’ and ‘is there anything I can do’ tonight. Honestly, that’s what I’ve been avoiding. The coddling. I’m not quite sure I can take much more of it.

“How was work?” I ask, holding his hand as we walk into the living room.

Groaning, he rakes his free hand through his already tousled hair and flops onto the couch. “Work was work. School is school. I’m busting my behind, but it’s all for the greater good.”

“My little work-a-holic,” I joke, poking him in the stomach.

He grabs my hand and pulls me toward him. I wind up on top of him, my legs straddling his waist. Other than kissing, we haven’t resumed any form of intimacy since my parents died—he’s given me that space—and being here like this brings back a flood of memories and expectations. I’ve always wanted Tommy, and without my parents around enforcing rules—what’s stopping me now? I could be reckless and careless because I have no one to answer to. Gina’s been wonderful, but she’s not my mother. We’ve been over this. I can do what I want within legal limits. I’m sure she was having sex at sixteen regardless of Mom and Dad’s rules—she’s always been a rebel. But restrictions gone and buried, I still don’t think I’m ready to take that step. Even if my pulsating, needy body is telling me otherwise.

Blanching at his touch, I jump off him, unwilling to let this go where I used to pray it would. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

Straightening himself and readjusting his pants to hide his obvious excitement, he clears his throat. “No apologies. I understand. We’ve been through this. And besides, I want to give you your gift.”

Phew!
I’m sure that would have led to another long, in-depth conversation about feelings, so I’m more than glad he changed the subject. Not to mention, I’m a little intrigued by this gift.

Plopping down next to him, banishing my untimely raging hormones far away, I stare at the red velvet box in his hands. It’s too large to be a ring—thank god—but too small to be anything but a piece of jewelry.

My eyes dart from the box to Tommy’s face. His smile is so bright it seeps into my marrow, thawing away the icy walls I’ve started to build around my heart since losing my parents. Again, I’m guilty for allowing those walls to prevent the one I love most inside.

“Well, open it, already,” he blurts, shoving the box in my hands.

I’m nervous and giddy, my hands shaking with this unexpected surprise. “I can’t imagine what it is, Tommy. You’ve totally stumped me.”

“Wait until you open it, then.” He winks and bites his lower lip. What’s he up to? Should I be scared?

Careful not to ruin the intricate gold bow adorning the box, I lift off the top and stare into the plush cushioning in awe and confusion. To my surprise there is a ring—not a diamond, but a ruby, so I know it’s not any form of proposal—and next to the sparkling bauble is a key. One lone key with no indication of what door it opens.

“The key to your heart?” I ask, tilting the box.

“You already have that, Gabriella. Before we get to the key, what do you think of the ring?” He’s like a child, bouncing in his seat, his hands animated, his eyes gleaming.

“The ring is gorgeous. But why? What’s it for?” I can’t say I don’t love it, but I’m not sure why I deserve it. Ruby isn’t even my birthstone, so as thankful as I am for the beautiful gift, I’m still a bit confused.

Scooting closer to me, Tommy takes the box out of my hands. He removes the ring, lifts my left hand, and slides it on my ring finger. “The ring was my grandmother’s,” he explains, staring down at my hand. He returns his gaze to my eyes and continues, “She always told me she wanted me to have it so I could give it to someone special. I’ve wanted to give you this so many times—as a promise for our future—but together with this key . . . it just seemed right.”

Squirming in my seat, heady from all this talk about the future, I listen to Tommy pour his heart out, unable to reciprocate. It’s not that I don’t feel the same—I do. Oh Lord, do I love him so, but talks of any kind of future when my present has been turned upside down only a few months ago—it frightens me to the core.

“I got my own place. That’s what the key is for.”

My eyes go wide. Is he asking me to move in with him? Surely, he has to be out of his mind. I’m sixteen. Gina would flip out. His parents would—“Your mom and dad are okay with this? No resistance? That doesn’t sound like them at all.” I realize what I’m doing and I hate myself for it. I’m changing the subject and cheapening the whole thing because I can’t deal with the weight of what he’s proposing here.

Narrowing his eyes, Tommy inspects my face, my tensed body, my heavy breathing. Holding my hand tighter now—as if he’s afraid I’ll let go for good—his eyes bore into mine. “Yes, we argued. If you remember that fight you overheard the night before—” He stops himself, as though I don’t already live with it engrained in my memory.

“Go on.” I urge him to continue.

“That night, I told them I wanted to move out and get my own place. You’ve seen firsthand that my parents and I don’t see eye to eye on lots of things. I can’t stand being under their roof and following their rules anymore. I thought about dorming on campus, but I couldn’t see being further away from you. Especially now. So that’s why I picked up the extra shifts at the bank and took those summer courses. I’m going to graduate early—I’m paving a road not just for me, but for us. That’s what the ring is for—another argument with my parents, but I won that in the end too, because they see how much I love you. It’s a promise, Gabriella. We’re too young to be married and I want to do this right, at the right time, but I also can’t wait to promise you my forever. Losing your parents made me realize how quick it can all be taken away. I don’t want to wait until tomorrow because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.”

He’s so right. His words bring tears to my eyes, but the seriousness of this whole situation makes me feel like I’m being smothered all over again.

“And the key?” I ask, trying to understand without showing him how panicked I am.

“I don’t expect you to leave your home, or your sister. It’s just for you to have so you always know you’re welcome, what’s mine is yours, and that one day it will be
ours.
”

Wow.
Any girl would be reeling with excitement. The guy I’ve loved my entire life, the one I’ve been best friends with, shared my happiest and saddest times with, and given my soul to has just promised me the world in a red velvet box. I should be screaming and jumping and crying happy tears.

But I’m not.

“This is all too much, Tommy. I don’t know what to say.” I try to hide the fear in my voice by clearing my throat and wiping away the tears.

Tommy reaches for me, his hand caressing my damp cheek, his eyes pleading with me to accept the happiness he wants to give me. “Just say yes. It’s all I ask.”

Three little letters. One tiny word. Easy enough, right?

Wrong.

Not when everything on the other side of that yes is something I’m unsure of after morphing into this person doubtful of a blissful life. Death will do that to you. It’s a known fact. Some choose to dwell on it and let their loss control them—that’s me. Others—like Tommy—use a loss to bring things into perspective. I wish right now I were more like him. I wish I didn’t have to break his heart like this.

“Tommy, I don’t know how to say this.” My tears won’t stop. My brain is telling me I’m crazy, but my mouth is doing all the work on its own. “This is all too much. I’m still not right. I don’t know if I’ll ever be again and that’s not fair to you.”

Faltering at my words, Tommy releases me hand, tilting his head. “What are you saying, Gabriella?”

Closing my eyes, because I can’t bear to look at him when I say it, I whisper, “We need a break.”

His lids cover his beautiful blue eyes. I know I’ve disappointed him. He’s given me this wonderful gift—the gift of hope—and I’m too damaged to accept it.

Replacing the ring in the box and putting the lid back on, I hand it to him and stand from the couch. The tears cascade down my face like a river of hurt. “I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to love you the way I want to. The way you deserve. I’m broken and even though you’re trying with all your might and your love and your selflessness to fix me, I can’t put that burden on you. I need to get right before I can promise you anything. I need to be alone.”

With tears in his own eyes, his masculine features softened by the pain of rejection, he shakes his head. “Why are you pushing me away when you need me most? Why won’t you let me be there for you?”

I wish I had a solid, concrete answer for him, but it’s not that clear cut. There are many reasons I’m resistant and even more reasons I know I’m making a huge mistake. But every one of them points to this moment. “I can’t be with you right now, Tommy. Please understand that I need some time. Please don’t make this any harder on me.”

Without speaking a word, without challenging or accepting my request, Tommy stands to join me and wraps his arms around my quivering body. We cry together in each other’s arms for what seems like hours. My reluctance to let go should be a clear indicator that my heart is not ready for another loss like this, but deep in my core I have to try to battle this loss and overcome it without someone else carrying the weight.

And that’s where I step off course.