First Class to New York (12 page)

He flushed and headed for the shower. The glass was fogged
and he reached for the door, anticipation racing through his veins, hoping he
didn’t scare her. Every time he touched her she seemed to jump. She was a bit
skittish, like a wild baby animal. He needed to be gentle with her, his sweet
Janie. He pulled open the door, slowly, a wicked grin on his face, eager to have
her again. He froze, his eyes dropped down. He blinked, not understanding what
he saw. There she sat huddled in the corner, knees pulled to her chest, looking
like a drowned rat, sobbing.

*****

Oh, God! Oh, God! He’s here!
Janie dropped her head
to rest on her knees.

Matt turned off the water and stepped out of the shower.
Oh,
God! Oh, God! He’s left!
Janie let out another audible cry. She didn’t want
him to see her like this, but she didn’t think she could bear it if he walked
away either.

A soft towel was placed around her knees, around her arms,
around her back. She peaked up and Matt had crouched in front of her, his eyes
pained. “Shit, Janie! What is it?” His voice was hoarse, his eyes searching for
an answer.

Janie let go of her knees and grabbed the edge of the towel
and wiped her eyes and then her nose. “I’m sorry Matt. I tried to be quiet,”
she choked.

“Fuck Janie, don’t apologize, just tell me what’s wrong? Are
you hurt? Did I do something?” Matt looked helpless.

“No! No, you haven’t done anything. I had a bad dream and I
woke up and it’s been a really hard few years and then this trip and it’s been
amazing and then you…” her voice trailed off and a small sob escaped.

Matt sat down beside her, leaning against the wall and
pulled her into his body. He kissed the top of her head slowly breathing out,
not realizing he had been holding it. “Tell me about your dream.”

Janie turned to look up at him, her eyes blackened from
mascara and whispered, ”If I tell you about my dream, then I have to tell you
about my life.”

“Then tell me about your life.”

*****

Forty-five minutes later, Janie had divulged her history to
Matt; ALL of it. She told him all about her boys, and she laughed regaling him
with their crazy antics as children. She told him about Robert; his life, how
they met, and the cancer, and how she’d gone from a wife and companion, to a
nurse and caretaker. And she told Matt about his death and how guilty she had
felt because it was a relief when he finally passed, because for the last few
months of his life, he wasn’t Robert. He wasn’t the man she had fallen for so
many years before. He wasn’t the father who went to the boys’ ball games and
cheered the loudest. He wasn’t the Robert she had known at all.

She told him about Katy, her rock. And he laughed when she
told him how they had dyed their own hair as 15 year olds and then Katy’s had
all fallen out. And how they had coordinated their Halloween costumes every
year and how every summer the two of them went to Newport, on the Oregon coast,
to lay on the beach, uninterrupted for 3 days. And she told him how there were
things over the past year that she hadn’t even told Katy, because they were
things she just didn’t want to say out loud, because if she’d said them out
loud then they were real.

She told him how difficult it had been over the past year,
letting go, and how she needed to, wanted to move on. She explained how this
trip was not only the trip she had wanted to take since she was sixteen, but
this was the trip that was the beginning of her new life; one she didn’t ask
for, but one she had nevertheless.

“And have I messed up that trip for you?” Matt had asked.

“No,” she’d replied. “You are just a complete surprise. A
bonus.”

“Tell me about your dream.”

So Janie had told him about her dream. She told him about
the two doors and the cold wind and Robert reaching for her and when she
shuddered, Matt pulled her tighter.

*****

Janie had washed her face and wrapped herself in the
luxurious hotel robe. She was sitting in the corner of the sofa, feet tucked
under her, sipping on a cup of hot coffee. It was light outside now and Janie
was watching the street lights in the distance disappear. She was baffled by
her honest confession to Matt. She couldn’t believe she had told him so much. It
wasn’t like her. She kept things close, hidden, guarded. The door of the
bathroom swung open and he sauntered out, sexy as hell, with a towel wrapped
low on his hips.

“You look better,” Matt smiled.

“I feel better, thank you. I would totally understand if
all…this…” she waved her hand through the air, ”was too much baggage for you. I
mean, not that we are, you know, just…” She was flustered; didn’t know how to
‘release’ him with words.

Matt walked over and planted a kiss on her forehead. Then
reached down and poured himself a cup of coffee from the silver pot. He sat in
the wingback chair next to Janie and looked at her over his cup. He sipped his
coffee, never taking his eyes of her. She looked away and played with the rim
of her cup.

“I mean, this is probably weird for you, you know, I’m sure
you don’t often find women in the shower having a, um, a, you know, a breakdown.”
She was embarrassed. Even though he had been nothing but sweet and kind, it was
difficult to look him in the eye after all he had seen of her, both physically
and emotionally.

Matt didn’t say a word. He took another sip of his coffee
and continued to watch her fidget.

“I’m fine now.” She didn’t sound convincing. “I am sure you
have better things to do, you know, work and stuff.”

“You want me to leave?” He finally spoke.

“If you want to leave, I’d totally get it.”

“That’s not what I asked you Janie. Look at me.”

She glanced up at him, not raising her head.

“Do you…want me…to leave?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered.

Matt frowned. “That’s honest,” he said. “I tell you what,
I’m gonna go to work. And I’m going to call you later, okay?”

Janie nodded, looking a bit dejected.

“Janie?”

“Hmm?”

“I’d like to see you tonight.”

“You would?” Janie couldn’t hide the shock in her voice.

Matt chuckled, “Yes, I would. Would that be okay?”

She smiled and nodded.

“Okay then.” He put his cup on the silver serving tray and
stood. He gathered his clothes off the desk chair where they had lain all night
and got dressed, Janie watching as every muscle moved and twisted as the
garments started covering up his beautiful god-like form.

Before he left, he bent in front of her, still tucked into
the corner of the sofa, tilted her chin up, and softly kissed her. He pulled
away, hesitated, and then kissed her once more, licking her lips with his
tongue. Before Janie could respond, he broke away and walked to the door,
looking back once with a sad smile and then left.

*****

She didn’t know how long she had sat there after Matt headed
off to work. Time didn’t matter. Janie reflected on the events of the past
twelve hours and her head spun, trying to absorb it all. There was so much to
comprehend; so much to grasp. She needed to talk it out; she needed Katy.

The phone rang three times before she heard a sleepy
“Hello?”

“I woke you,” she apologized.

“Hey friend!”

“Morning Katy. Sorry to call so early, but…”

“What is it Janie?” Katy could hear the worry in her best
friend’s voice.

“I slept with him,” she whispered.

“WHAT? SLEPT WITH? WHO DID YOU SLEEP WITH?”

Janie had to pull the phone from her ear Katy was shouting
so loudly. She smiled and said, “Get comfortable – I’ve got a story to tell
you.”

*****

Matt didn’t go to work. First off, he had given Ray the
signal the night before when he dragged Janie from the car and Ray had gone
home. So there was no car waiting for him when he walked out of the hotel. And
secondly, he didn’t feel like he normally did the morning after fucking a date,
for a number of reasons, some of which he couldn’t articulate yet. So he hailed
a cab and headed for home. Not the sprawling apartment he owned a few blocks
from his office in the Financial District, but to his childhood home.

Maureen was totally bewildered when he casually walked into
her kitchen at 8am on a Thursday morning. Peter looked up from the paper and
casually addressed his son, like it was nothing out of the ordinary.

“Matthew! What on earth are you doing here?”

“Morning to you too, Mom, Dad,” he smirked.

“Why aren’t you at work? What’s wrong?”

“Good grief, Maureen! He’s allowed to be here!” Peter
sighed.

“Well, of course he is! He’s welcome anytime, he knows that.
I’m just very surprised to see him, that’s all.”

Matt chuckled and kissed his mother on the cheek. “Can I
have some?” Matt nodded at the skillet of eggs.

“Absolutely! Have a seat.” And Maureen flew into ‘mom’ mode.
She pulled out a placemat and silverware and a coffee mug and waited on her son
hand and foot.

When he was done eating, Peter stood and excused himself,
explaining he had a tee time so he had to go. He patted his son on the back,
gave his wife a warm embrace and a loud smoochy kiss, and headed out the back
door. Matt grinned, having spent his entire life watching his parents’ open
displays of affection. They still loved each other after fifty years of
marriage.

Maureen sat down at the table and patted her son’s hand.
“What’s wrong Matthew?”

“Why do you think there’s something wrong?” he asked,
genuinely curious in his mother’s answer.

Maureen laughed, “I’m your mother! And whether you are four,
fourteen, or forty, I know when something is bothering you.”

Matt sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Janie told me all
about her husband last night.”

“First, he is a dead husband,” she said matter-of-factly.

Matt’s eyes flew open and he looked shocked.

“Well, he is!” she defended her statement. “And, you were
angry the other day because she hadn’t told you, so this is good, right?”

Matt shook his head, “I don’t know.” He could still see her
huddled in the corner of the shower and the sight had done something to him, it
had changed his feelings about her, it had given him feelings
for
her.

“You like this girl.”

Matt didn’t respond.

“You like her and it scares the daylights out of you.”

“It doesn’t matter even if I did,” he said. “She leaves next
week and goes back to Portland; back to her sons, back to her friends, back to
her life.”

“So you have to stop liking her because of that? In this day
and age of cell phones and email and that camera thingy on the computer? Don’t
be ridiculous Matthew. Besides, you’re on the west coast quite often, aren’t
you?”

Matt swallowed the last of his coffee and Maureen patted his
hand again and stood.”Let me refill that for you and then you should get to
work.”

*****

Janie had never, ever, known Katy to be speechless. Just
when she desperately needed to hear her friend’s thoughts and opinions, Katy
didn’t say a word. “Say something,” she begged.

“I am still trying to comprehend it all. I’m still trying to
work out if he changed his seat assignment to sit next to you on the plane!”

“Katy! The plane doesn’t matter!”

“It was all very romantic until you, er, your, well you know,
this morning.”

“My nervous breakdown?” Janie asked

“No… wouldn’t call it that. It sounds to me like you were
saying your final goodbyes…letting go of Robert.”

“How can I say goodbye? I have spent more of my life with
him than without him. How do I just move on, like he never existed?”

“You don’t. Janie, he is a part of you now. You are who you
are because of him. He will always be with you. But he wouldn’t want you to be
alone.
OH SHIT
!!!”

“Katy? What’s wrong? Katy?”

“You’re in New York!”

“Yes, I am. Katy what is it?” Janie could hear Katy opening
drawers and slamming doors. “What are you doing?”

“Janie, I have something to tell you.”

“Oh God! What is it? Are the boys okay?” panic rose through
her body.

“The boys are fine! Nothing’s wrong. Chill, k?”

Janie took a deep breath and was ready for whatever Katy was
about to tell her.

“Robert wrote you a letter.”

“What? I don’t understand.”

“Janie, before Robert got
really
sick, when I was
there with him, you were gone somewhere, he wrote you a letter.”

“I don’t remember a letter.” Janie was racking her brain
trying to recall the letter.

“He didn’t give it to you. He gave it to me.”

“Why? Why would he give you a letter he had written to me?”

“Janie, I was supposed to give you the letter today, but you
aren’t here.”

“Give it to me today? On Thursday? April 20
^th
?
Why today?”

“I was supposed to give it to you when you met a man.”

Janie was stunned, shocked. A letter from Robert? When she
meet a man? “You have it there?” she asked.

“Yeah, right here.”

“Read it!” she said.

*****

 “Dearest Janie,

It seems like only
yesterday when I saw you for the first time. Your hair was in a braid and you
were making announcements at the school assembly. I was an immature teenage
boy, but I knew that I wanted to get to know you, and after I did, I knew that
you were the only girl for me. You made me the happiest man when you agreed to
marry me, and I know that the first few years were rough, what with me trying
to finish school and working full-time, and then the boys coming a bit earlier
than we had planned. But because of you, we were happy. You have always been
generous and kind, making sure mine and the boys’ needs were met before you
took care of yourself. You are still taking care of us, taking care of me.