First Light (27 page)

‘Which boy?’

‘You know perfectly well which boy I mean. I saw his friend in town yesterday. You know, the tall good-looking one who thinks he’s Mr Wonderful?’

I couldn’t help but smile, even Rachel with all her prejudices wasn’t immune to the charms of Denver. Wanting her to leave as soon as possible so I could get on with my day, I chose the smallest cup I could find to fill with coffee and placed it in front of her before I sat down.

‘Okay, so what’s your point?’ I answered eventually.

‘My point is, you’re walking on thin ice. Ronnie. You’re lucky to have a guy like Adam who wants to be with you. He’s handsome and successful, he’s someone Dad would be proud to see you with and quite frankly I don’t know how you’ve managed it. Yet, you have that look in your eye.’

‘Yeah, and what look is that?’ The chances of my day being a good one were gradually lessening and I was seriously considering writing it off and going back to bed. Cloud was playing with a bucket of building bricks in the corner, taking no notice of us. I was thankful for her miraculous way of blocking out unpleasant experiences.

‘The look that tells me you’re about to do something rash.’ Rachel leant forward then, so our faces were inches apart. ‘Ronnie, you think I don’t know my own sister? I know I can be into my own thing most of the time. You’ve always been the dependable one, the sensible one–’

‘Rachel–’

‘Wait, let me finish,’ she insisted. ‘What I mean is, you always
seem
like the dependable one, but I know how independent you actually are. All our lives, even though you were so much younger than me, you were always brave enough to try things first. You always did what you wanted to do, when you wanted to do it.’

‘I think you’re looking at the wrong sister, Rach.’

‘Yeah, you didn’t make a fuss when something didn’t go your way like I did, but you had a way of doing exactly what you wanted without hurting anyone’s feelings, so it went unnoticed. Dad may have seemed like he was always worrying about me, but really, you’ve always been the flight risk, because I needed him – I need you. You Ronnie, you don’t need anyone.’

It wasn’t true that I didn’t need anyone. I’d been forced to cope on my own because when Mum left us, Dad felt compelled to try to keep Rachel from hurting. I’d always been on my own.

‘Rachel, what are you trying to say?’

‘I’m trying to say, I care about you and you look as though you’re going to do something incredibly stupid for some whim of the heart. I know you’re a dreamer, little sister, but this is real life, not a fairytale. Make the right choice.’

She left soon after. Dramatically sweeping out with Cloud in tow as if she had a million other places to be and had only dropped by to save my life. A hard-done-by air kiss later and she drove away. The clouds had turned a grotty looking grey during her visit and I could hear the distant rumbling of thunder. Perhaps I could go back to bed after all.

Back inside my warm house, I thought long and hard about what she’d said. Ironically, all Rachel had managed to do was compound my feelings. I knew I needed to end things with Adam, because regardless of whether Kalen was right for me, I couldn’t live in the real world she wanted me to. As far as I was concerned, life was hard enough without taking away the few things that made a person happy. As long as Adam was in my life I’d be pushing away the one person I wanted. It didn’t seem fair on anyone. I picked up the phone.

Adam came over after work and was sitting across from me in the same position I’d sat with Rachel. The storm had got into full swing and the wind was howling outside, rattling through the attic.

‘I can’t be with you any more,’ I blurted, after a long silence. It wasn’t quite how I’d planned it, but it wasn’t like I’d done this kind of thing before and the words just fell out of my mouth. He dropped his head with a bitter laugh. I knew then, in spite of any pain he felt, I was actually doing him a huge favour. Maybe he knew it, too.

‘This is because of that guy isn’t it?’ he asked without looking up at me.

‘In some way, he’s been the catalyst, but aside from him, I’m not in this one hundred percent and that’s not fair on either of us.’

He nodded slowly and pulling back his tousled hair he let out an exaggerated breath. Finally he met my eyes and there was a fleeting moment where my stomach knotted and I experienced a dreadful sense of panic at what I’d done, but as his eyes left mine, the feeling faded. He got up to leave.

‘You know, Veronica, I really cared about you and I know that guy is just going to cause you pain. I have no idea what it is with girls, they always want the bad boy.’ He walked out the front door, letting it slam behind him.

I didn’t move. Had I expected more of a scene? Maybe it was his use of the past tense when he’d said
he cared
. Surely you can’t go from caring to cared, in just a few seconds. I laughed at myself; so it had been easier than expected. ‘That’s a good thing,’ I said out loud. If he wasn’t hurting then that was a very positive thing. It meant I’d made the right choice.

Kalen would have fought harder
, I decided. Though really I wasn’t sure. At the thought of his name, however, another idea occurred to me: perhaps it wasn’t Adam’s lack of grief for our break-up that bothered me, maybe it was his parting shot. Was I really one of those girls who wanted a bad-boy? No way. Though I couldn’t help thinking about it for the rest of the evening, because, no matter which way I looked at it, Kalen wasn’t just a bad boy – he was the
baddest
.

30 – The Calm

The next day, said bad-boy called me on the phone.
To say I was shocked didn’t cut it.

‘Where are you calling me from?’ I asked, incredulous.

‘A pay phone. I wanted to see if you were busy today.’

‘I have classes until four. Do you realise this is the first time you’ve called me on the phone?’

I imagined him smile at the other end of the line. ‘Is that a good thing?’

‘Yeah, it’s great!’

‘So, four o’clock, you want to have some dinner at my place?’

‘What’s this in aid of? Last time I saw you, you couldn’t wait for me to leave.’

‘I think we both know I tend to overreact at times. I guess – I’d like to make it up to you. You can bring your boyfriend if you like.’ I heard him struggling to construct that sentence and I was touched. I told him I’d meet him and that he had some considerable making up to do.

‘You seem bent on making me hate you and then you want to make up, what’s that about?’

‘Red, please–’

‘Okay, okay, see you later.’

I laughed and hung up. By the time I got to school I was almost skipping. The storm had passed and the air was fresh and crisp. The realisation that it was Kalen who saved my life was a shock at first, but the more I considered it the more positive I became. I’d met him – the one I’d been waiting for longer than anything – and deep down I’d never really believed I would.

My final class of the day was History and it passed painfully slowly. I was obsessively clock watching, until four o’clock finally came and I glanced out towards the school gates to see the old sky-blue ford pull up outside.

‘Is that his car?’ Toni blurted, her nose screwing up in disgust. She and I had History together and recently she’d taken to sitting next to me. I stared out the window as the man I’d dreamed of for three years got out of his car and looked back at me. Even from the distance I could see the apologetic smile touching his lips.

‘Yep, that’s his car!’ I beamed. ‘See you guys later.’ I swiped my bag from my desk and left my classmates staring after me.

‘Red,’ he nodded, as I stepped up to the gates.

‘Hello, moody.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, and then with a glint of amusement in his eyes, added, ‘everyone in your class is doing all they can not to press their faces up against the window. It seems we’re creating quite a stir.’

I held back a laugh. ‘Don’t let it go to your head, this always happens when I leave for the day.’

‘I don’t doubt it,’ he grinned and slid back into the car. I followed suit, forcing myself not to look back at the faces I knew were all lined up watching us.

‘So, where’s your boyfriend? Didn’t you want to bring him along?’ he asked when we neared his house.

I stared out the window, wondering what game he was playing, ‘That’s very charitable of you Kal, how very unlike you.’ I was avoiding the whole boyfriend scenario. I wasn’t sure if I could tell Kal yet, it meant telling my family to get stuffed and I didn’t know if I could do that.

‘He’s your boyfriend and I respect that,’ he explained awkwardly. The car came to a gentle stop and we both got out.

‘You don’t respect anyone,’ I pointed out.

‘That’s not true,’ he replied, coming around to me and taking my arms in his hands. ‘I respect
you
.’ His sudden seriousness left me lost for words.

‘That’s why I’m trying my very best to be nice. Of course I want you, Red, I only came back to this ridiculous town for you, but if you don’t want me then I guess I’ll have to accept that, and if I can’t have you as my own then for the time being I would like at least to spend some time with you, as friends.’

‘For the time being?’

‘Until you change your mind, or... I leave through not being able to stand the thought of you with another man any longer.’

‘You would leave here because of that?’

‘What else is there? The boys hate every day we stay in the same place.’

‘I thought maybe you wanted to stay in one place, live a normal life?’

‘We can never have a normal life,’ he replied coldly. I knew he was losing his cool because I wasn’t giving him the response he wanted. That was the thing about Kal, he was constantly battling with himself over the line between right and wrong.

London – October 2009

‘I hate this country, why are we here?’ Denver said sullenly. It was unlike him to complain. It had been a trying time, almost three years had passed since their escape from the United States and they had nothing to show for it but memories of sleeping rough and stowing away on cargo ships.

‘London is surely just as good as any other city in the world?’ Kalen questioned, not looking up from the game of chess he was engaged in with Nash.

‘Yeah, but I’m over it now, It’s been months and it’s cold here. I’m bored. The girls are hard work, and to be honest, they’re not that hot.’

Laith laughed from the tiny kitchen area of the apartment they’d rented in Islington. ‘True,’ he said.

‘I think that’s a rash generalisation. There are over seven million people in London, fifty percent of them female,' said Kalen.

‘Quality, not quantity, man,’ Denver huffed, striding to the window. The problem was, he was too big – too big for the room, too big for London, even. He was six-foot-four and had the energy of ten boys his age. As he watched the rain pound against the grey streets he shivered; he felt like a caged animal.

Nash finally looked up from the game. He never said very much, but when he did, Kalen thought it was usually worth saying. His face screwed up momentarily as if something had just dawned on him. ‘You know, I’ve never heard you complain like a little bitch before. You scared of a bit of rain now, D?’

Kalen smirked.

‘Fine. I’m getting out of here, anyone wanna come for a run around London in the rain?’ Denver boomed. The others waved him off without looking up from their own pursuits.

‘See you guys later, then.’ He jogged out of the front door and into the downpour.

‘Why are we here anyway?’ Laith asked.

Oh great
, Kalen thought dismally, it was going to be one of
those
afternoons.

‘Why not?’

‘Well, I can think of plenty of reasons why not, but I’m struggling to find a reason to stay.’ Laith fell back on the sofa bed and began throwing a ball into the air, waiting until it almost hit him in the face before he caught it each time.