First Love: A Superbundle Boxed Set of Seven New Adult Romances (165 page)

He ignores me and disappears into his closet for a moment, and when he returns, he has a black tie draped from his fingers.
 

My chest heaves, and I feel the darkness attempting to cloud my vision.
Breathe. Breathe.
No matter how I try to calm myself, terror has firmly taken hold, and I know my eyes are wild. My arms wrap around my sides, trying to hug myself together so I don’t fall apart into a million pieces here before him. A slight sheen of sweat breaks out across my skin, and for a moment, I’m tempted to let the darkness take me. Sometimes, it is truly better
not
to be aware.

“Easy, Angel. Come here.” He motions with his fingers.

Old habits die hard. No matter how afraid I am, I know the best chance to keep myself safe is to do what he says. My eyes drop toward the floor, and I slink toward him, wishing I could disappear into the carpeted floor.

“Hold out your hand.”

I do as instructed. Arion takes my wrist and I flinch, but then he turns it over and puts a condom and the tie wadded up together into my hand. “I’m going to get on the bed, and I want you to tie my hands to the headboard.”

His words are so unexpected, I jerk my gaze to him, sure I must have misheard.

There’s a cautious but still sexy smile on his face as he nods. “There’s a bar that runs behind the padding, I want you to tie me to it. That way you can feel safe and enjoy this. As much as I’d like to bend you over and take you hard and fast, I don’t think you’re ready for that.”

My lip quivers at the sweetness in his words as my insides quiver at the erotic sound of him saying he wants to take me hard and fast. I let out the breath I’ve been holding, suddenly free of the weight of expectation. This is my Arion, and he isn’t going to hurt me.
 

He leans in and kisses me, but I can tell he’s holding back. The passion of a few minutes before is there, but it’s more restrained and exploratory. His hands hang in mid-air, unnaturally away from my body as if he’s afraid to touch me.
 

We climb onto the bed, and he shows me the support frame behind his padded headboard. I loop the tie over that, then around and in between his wrists, winding it until it seems secure then tying the ends together. Pillows are propped behind him, and he’s resting against the headboard, while his long legs stretch out and cross at the ankles.
 

“Comfortable?” I ask, feeling guilty he is doing this for me, because I’m his fallen Angel. Broken, not whole.

“Eager.” He licks his lips. “Will you strip for me?”

His reaction assuages some of my guilt; he doesn’t look like he minds at all.
 

I’d do just about anything for him. I shimmy out of my t-shirt then twirl my hips seductively as I pull off my jeans, feeling sort of silly but loving the way his eyes gleam. Once I’m as naked as he is, I nudge his legs apart, kneeling between them. “Maybe I should see if I can improve on last night’s performance.”

“Impossible,” he growls.
 

“That sounds like a challenge.” I dip my head, taking him between my lips, and his hips arc toward me as he strains against the tie. I’m growing slick between my legs with wanting him, and his moans are building to a frenzy. Being able to pleasure him without any fear of him grabbing me or pushing me to go too far too fast is intoxicating and liberating, and yet I crave his touch.

I’ve never, ever been in control in the bedroom before, and having Arion vulnerable before me is like presenting a smorgasbord of desserts to a child. I want everything. I want it all. And I want it now.

He slides out of my mouth with a
pop
, and he cries out as I glide upward, making sure he can feel how soaked I am for him as I scoot close enough to kiss him. This time, there is no mutual give and take to our kiss. I’m giving and he’s taking, because he only gets what I offer.

The condom is lost somewhere in the sheets, and it takes me an agonizingly long minute to find it, then my fingers feel as if they are glued together as I fumble, trying to open it. At last I’m slipping it down around him then climbing back on top.

My hands explore his chest, his shoulders, the tiny stubble on his chin, to finally grip the back of his head, pulling him into an even deeper, more needy kiss. Warmth is spreading through my core, building to heady heights as his hips bounce lightly beneath me.
 
I gasp, and as our mouths part, he catches one of my breasts in his mouth and I’m confronted with all-new sensations.
 

I can’t take it anymore. I need him inside me right now. I lift up and he rises to meet me, then I crash down around him. His first thrust is triumphant, but I have no clue which of us is the winner and I don’t think it matters. We’re here. We’re together. And I am unafraid.

“You feel so good,” Arion whispers as he brings his mouth up to meet mine again.
 

I don’t think it’s how he means it, but I do feel good. I’m lost in this moment with him, and I can feel the pleasure building inside me.
 
It is so beyond good that it’s almost stratospheric. Except, somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain, a wicked little monster is whispering accusations that I don’t deserve Arion, I only deserve guys like Nick. Or worse, that this is only a dream, a lie.
 

Wrong. Sex is bad.

Arion and I thrust together, telling the monster to shut up. Nothing that feels this good could be wrong, right?

You’re a liar and a thief.

I’m not! But I am. We thrust again, but it doesn’t feel as good. My mind is slipping back into shackles.

You won’t even let him touch you. Selfish whore.

No! He offered for it to be this way.
 

I moan again, but this time it’s tinged with sorrow and Arion’s hips still beneath me. I’m still grinding against him because he feels so good, even as my heart hurts.
 
I begin clawing at the tie, determined to free him.
 

Arion’s strong arms flex, trying to help me undo the tie. “Shh, baby, it’s okay. What’s wrong?”

“Touch me, Arion,” I beg. “Touch me. I need you to touch me.”

One of his hands slides around my waist, and he leans up until we are sitting with my legs wrapped around his back. His other hand cups my chin, guiding me to look him in the eyes. “Do you want to stop?”

“No.” I sob, shudder, and nearly scream in fury and frustration. I want this, with him, right now. I just wish the memories would go away and let me be here in peace.

Slowly, Arion begins to move again, and the fog begins to clear. My eyes are heavy with the torrent of emotions, and they start to drift closed as our bodies find a mutual rhythm.
 

“Look at me, Angel. I don’t want you to forget who’s inside you. It’s just you and me.” His tone is a command I can’t ignore, not right now, if ever. My eyes snap open, and I gaze into the warm depths of his eyes, seeing my own emotion reflected in his. This isn’t purely physical for either of us, and it’s our own special kind of perfect.

He’s giving me all of himself, and I’m finding all of me. Pleasure is starting to soar within me, and maybe I’m going to find my wings again after all. I fold in toward him, wanting to feel him wrapped around every inch of my body. I’m not sure I can ever get close enough to him, but I’m determined to try.

Arion gently lifts me up and down as he makes promises into my hair. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you. Stay with me, Angel. I’ve got you.”

He does, and I will, at least for now. My mental barrier falls away even as I sob against him, letting the tides of pleasure carry us toward tomorrow.

We both sleep for a few hours, but when we wake up, we make love again, without ties and without me crying. This time, the pleasure is stronger and sweeter, and I wonder if there is a chance I may truly be on the way to being healed.

Somehow, despite everything it took to get here, I’ve fallen in love with Arion. Maybe I always was, even when he was just a boy I crushed on in game. We’re laying cuddled together in his bed, my back pressed to his chest and his arms wrapped around me. I’m not sure if he’s awake or not, so I shift to the side. I need to tell him how I feel.

His eyes dance, and he presses a kiss to my forehead. “I guess I should call out to the farm and warn them I’m not sending more help after all. I’ll have to find someone else to look after things there.”

My heart sinks and now I can’t tell him, because if I do it will only sound like an excuse. No matter how much I love him or how good sex with him is, I still need space and time. I need to be farther from my past, less findable, and I need to figure out how I’m going to reconcile who I was with who I want to be. I can’t do that here with him. I’m still not ready to live together, not yet.

Judging by the way Arion is looking at me, he’s going to accept that news as well as a cat being confronted with a bath. The dirt may need to come off, but someone is going to get scratched along the way.

Thirty Two

Angel

The weight of my silence is pressing on us both, and I know I owe him an answer about the farm. The incessant ticking hands on his alarm clock grow louder every moment, reprimanding me more insistently the longer I stay quiet.
 

“Angel, tell me what I’m thinking is wrong. Please.” Arion leans up, bracing himself on one elbow as he looks down at me. Disbelief is etched across the strong lines of his face, from the arch of his eyebrows down to the lopsided half of a frown.
 

I roll away, withering under the weight of the helpless look in his eyes. He doesn’t even have to say anything. I know what he’s thinking. To him, if I go to the farm, it will be like I’m abandoning him all over again.

“I have to,” I whisper, wishing I didn’t but knowing I do. Going to the farm is my way of taking back some control of my life. No matter how much I want to be, I’m not ready for the type of relationship Arion wants. Being with him is like tossing all the pieces of myself into a blender and turning it on high. Little bits of crazy mix with little bits of hope and sexuality until eventually I’m an Angel-Tess milkshake. As good as that might taste to him, to me it’s like drowning. I’m lost, and only a clear head will let me find myself.

“No, you don’t. There’s no reason you can’t just stay here with me. After what we just did…” His heated gaze sears me as it takes in my full nakedness, and I know he’s replaying making love to me in his mind.

“That’s exactly why I have to go!” I sit up, ready to climb out of bed and find my clothes. I don’t think I want to be naked for this conversation. I don’t want to have this conversation at all.
 

Arion’s sharp intake of breath cuts through the room, and then he’s trying to pull me back into the bed with him.

“No.” I keep my voice even as I wrench my arm away. If I let him, I know he’ll use sex to try to convince me otherwise, and he just might win. I love his touch, and I think I love him. Which is why I need to get my head straight, so I don’t mess this up. If I haven’t already.
 

“I thought we—you—
us…
There’s an ‘us’ now, isn’t there?” All pretense, all pride has been stripped from his voice, and he’s showing me his heart, raw, ravaged, and barely held together.

Slowly, I turn back toward him and pull the sheet up around myself. “There is, if you still want there to be.
I
want there to be. But I need to feel whole and like I can stand on my own, before I can fully be with you. I’m not running from you, Arion. I promise. I’m so very yours.” It’s only after I’ve said the words that I realize how much I mean them. I don’t just love him; I’ve given myself to him.

His expression softens a tiny bit, and I think he’s hearing me, though still not convinced. “I can’t lose you again, Angel. And that’s what this feels like.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. We can talk every night and see each other when you have a day off…” Every word out of my mouth sounds even more like an excuse than it feels. I can’t believe I’m begging for my freedom.
Again.
That internal blender is whirring at full speed, and today’s flavor is definitely leaning toward crazy.

“That’s not enough.” He’s shaking his head adamantly, like if he can just tell me ‘no’ enough, it will become a ‘yes.’

It did with Nick, didn’t it?
But my ‘yes’ to Nick was to save myself, and so is my ‘no’ to Arion. If I said ‘yes’ right now, it would only be to save him, and it would only be temporary. I just wish he understood that. But he doesn’t.

The room around us is closing in, and his desperate attempts to change my mind suck the air out, suffocating me. Panic is a red-eyed monster waiting on the sidelines to swallow me whole. I hear his words, but what they say to me is,
I don’t believe you. You don’t love me.
Maybe he’s right. “It’s going to have to be.” My heart is breaking as I gather my clothes then head into the closet. I keep talking, trying to stay calm myself as much as I’m trying to pacify him as I rummage through my suitcase for another pair of clothes. “You don’t know everything about me, not yet. But I need to tell you, so there aren’t secrets between us. I want us to build something that will last, and we can’t do that if I’m afraid you’ll change your mind about me once you really know me.”
 

As much as I hate the thought of exposing all my secrets to him, I know I have to because no matter how much he’s freaking me out right now, when I think of my future, he’s inseparable from it. The naked truth is, I want a relationship with Arion, but to do that there has to be trust.
 

“I know more than you think.”

His voice is closer than I expect, and I whirl, startled.

Arion is leaning against the door frame, propped against one hand, stark-raving naked.
 

Mother of God…
I close my eyes, mentally bracing myself against the glorious sight that is Arion, willing myself not to be swayed. I have to stay strong. My blouse stubbornly refuses to come smoothly over my shoulders, as if it’s on his side. His twisted smirk irritates me even more as he leans forward and helps straighten it before returning to his stance against the door.