First Time for Everything (11 page)

“Nothing, and
no
.” I rolled my eyes again to emphasize the last word. “Geez, would you shut up about it already? It was just some crappy chocolate. If I’d known you were gonna freak out so much, I’d have never sent the damn thing!” He stopped, but I kept walking. What was I going to say?
Uh, sorry, I didn’t actually send it. Oh wait, I did, I just didn’t expect to tell you about it.

He jogged up to me anyway and chucked my shoulder again, laughing. “Oh, I get it. You were pranking me, making me think I’d got a secret admirer so you could laugh at all the dumb shit I’d do, right?”

This time it was my turn to stop, grabbing him and turning him to face me. “No, Billy.” I sighed mournfully, “It wasn’t a prank, okay? I sent you the damn candy, and I was too chicken to sign the card. Can we let it go?”

He looked confused. “’Cause… ’cause you didn’t want me to think you liked me? Dude, we’re best friends.”

“No, you idiot, because I didn’t want you to know that I
do
like you. Now can we just go home?”

“Uh… yeah. Yeah. Home.” He didn’t stop frowning the rest of the walk down our street. Without a word, he turned and went straight up his driveway, no offer to hang out or do homework. He didn’t even ask if we’d play ball later.

I trudged upstairs to my room and on the way took a good look at all the decorations my mom kept around. The pictures of me. And Billy. Birthday parties, basketball games, playing in my room, even trips to the zoo; inevitably, wherever I was, so was he, and the reflection of my life on the walls attested to that. On my bed was an envelope taped to a small box. My mother’s customary offering on Valentine’s Day. I flipped the corner of my covers over it and settled in to try and figure out calculus.

A
FTER
DINNER
came a knock on the door. It was Billy. “Hey, Ms. K. Happy Valentine’s. Is Toby here?”

I adore my mother. She’s sweet and kind, and in that moment, I really wished she wasn’t. She could have told him it was too late to be out, or that I had homework… anything that wouldn’t have dragged me out of doing dishes to go see Billy. He’d changed into shorts and a T-shirt with the sides cut out so you could breathe when you play ball. He had a basketball under his arm. He didn’t wait for me. He just started dribbling down the sidewalk to the driveway where the hoop was set up. I followed him with a cold pit of dread eating away at my insides.

He shot a few glances at me, then shot some free throws, mostly just passing the ball between his hands as he chewed over his words. He wasn’t a blurter, like I was. “The way I see it, there’s nothing wrong with one guy sending another candy. You know I love chocolate.”

I closed my eyes and waited for the worst, or at best, a misunderstanding.

“But that’s not what this was, was it?” He continued when I shook my head. “You really have feelings for me, and I…. Well, I’ve never really thought about it, ’til now. You’re my buddy, my best friend. It’d be…
wrong
for me to… you know,
not
have any feelings about you.” He took a few more shots, then pushed the ball into my chest. “And I don’t know what that means. Play me for ’em.”

I stared at him for a moment, just gobsmacked. “What?”

“Call your own fouls. First to five wins. If you win, I’ll go on a date with you.”

I felt my eyes narrow, and my hands trembled a little at his offer while I started to dribble. “And if you win?”

He smiled and shrugged. “I dunno yet. Hadn’t thought of anything past that.”

A nod, and the game was on. By the end of the game, sweat was pouring off my brow and my shirt clung to every part of me it could stick to. It was 4-2, and I was ramping up for the game point when Billy drove his shoulder into my breadbasket and stole the ball.

“
Foul!
” I croaked. But he had already taken the shot—4-3. My stomach hurt as I got to my feet and steadied for the free throw shot. In a normal game, adrenaline would keep me from feeling so nervous and achy over a simple shoulder, but this was no normal game. Cold fear raced down my spine as the hollow ring of leather on concrete sounded in my ears. I hated free throws.
Make this, and you win the game. You win a hell of a lot more than a game, but lose and… who knows
?

I took the shot. The ball left my hands, my feet came back down, my eyes screwed up tight, and my ears picked up every sound. “
Bang…. Bink. Bink. Swish.
”

When I opened my eyes, Billy had his hand out to me. “Good game.” We shook on it, but he surprised me when he wound his hand around to thread his fingers into mine and stared at it. “Huh. ’S’not so bad, I guess.”

I had to laugh at that and took his other hand. “Not bad?” He shrugged, but I could see the crimson blush crawling up his neck that had nothing to do with the game. I let go of his hands, wrapped one palm behind his neck, and planted a big, wet kiss on his salty lips. After a second, his brain kicked in and kissed me back, just as brutal an overtake as he’d done on the court, until both of us pulled away.

“Why did you…?” Billy’s perplexed eyes searched my face.

“Because it’s what I want, Billy. If you can’t handle that, then I don’t even want to take your sorry ass on a date.”

He still looked a little confused, but he didn’t step away.

“Can you handle that?” I had to press.

“Yeah, I can handle that. You’re just… changing the rules on me, and it’s gonna take me a while to figure this out.”

I frowned and shook my head in disgust. “No, man. This isn’t a game, and you don’t have to play if you don’t want to. I want to be with you, but only if you
want
to be with me right back, not because you lost some stupid bet.”

The look on Billy’s face was priceless as he gaped like a fish. “But… I let you win!”

And that right there said it all. Only I had been too stupid and pigheaded to think about it. But he came over with the intent to give me the chance to ask him out with all the dignity our seventeen-year-old brains could muster. Then he’d held my hand, and he kissed
me
where all the world could see.

II.

M
Y
DATE
with Billy was hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles as I stood in my cartoon boxers and stared with utter hopelessness into my closet. It was a date, after all, but how dressed-up should I get? If I went too dressy, would it scare my best friend away? Too casual and he might lose the feeling of the day’s consequence. Caught somewhere in between, I grabbed a hunter green button-up my mom had once said brought out my eyes, along with a pair of black jeans. Sneakers that didn’t smell too rank would have to do. Was cologne too much? What about hair gel? Everything was starting to swirl in my head, which was starting to convince me that maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all.

I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of the doorbell. “
I’ll get it!
”
I yelled too quickly and darted down the stairs to grab the door. God only knew what Billy would be wearing, and if my mom saw, she might… I don’t even know what.

I opened the door and stared in shock for just a moment. For once, Billy had brushed his shaggy brown hair up out of his cornflower eyes, and his crooked little smile was absolutely perfect. He had light blue jeans on that hugged his legs and a tight black workout shirt under an open navy polo.

“Hey,” I managed, a little out of breath.

He smiled and stepped inside, looking me over like he’d never seen me before. “Hey, yourself. I, uh… I didn’t know if I should bring flowers or anything, but my dad said we could borrow his car.” He stopped talking then, and it took me a second to realize that was because I was kissing him. I couldn’t get over the softness of his lips or that I was actually allowed to touch them with mine. He tasted kind of minty and smelled absolutely amazing, something warm and woody that was getting a warm woody reaction from me as well.

I pulled away, hopefully before he could feel it and run away. “Sorry, it’s just you look amazing and… never mind. The car is great, and I don’t need flowers or….” I closed my mouth to keep from embarrassing myself further and turned back toward the stairs. “I just need to grab my wallet. I’ll be right back.”

As if nothing changed, as if this weren’t a date or anything else awkwardly trying to transition from friendship into something more, Billy followed me up the stairs and down the hall to my room. I tried, and failed, not to wonder if he watched my ass, then tried not to dwell on whether he may have liked it or not. I fumbled for a minute, wondering which pocket I should put my wallet in and whether it would seem like I was trying to draw his eyes to my butt, or worse, my dick, then finally settled on shoving it in the back pocket I always do while I tried to make conversation. “So, did you know which movie you wanted to see, or…?”

I
HAD
to stop because he was
right
.
There
. Right in my face, with that boyish grin and a hell-on-wheels gleam in his eye.

“Whatever you want, Toby. I didn’t think you wanted to spend much time watching the movie anyway.”

I blushed so hard, I could have sworn I felt my hair turning red. Overnight, Billy’d apparently gotten so comfortable with the reality of dating that now it was like it had been his idea all along. I just hoped my color was back to normal by the time we got to the movie theater.

W
E
ENDED
up seeing
Transformers
, or
Terminator
… I’m not sure which. Something with a T, lots of robots and explosions, with a few half-naked girls thrown in. We sat in the back, and Billy was right. We didn’t spend much time watching the movie. His kisses tasted like popcorn salt and cherry cola, and while part of me screamed we were going too fast, the rest of me knew this was a boy I’d known all my life. The man I was meant to be with, and nothing was going to stop me from getting to know the parts of him we’d only joked about before.

It was almost completely dark by the time the movie ended. My lips were bruised and sore, there was a giant hickey on the left side of my neck, and my pants had to be about three sizes smaller than when I had put them on.

Getting back to the car, Billy looked entirely too smug until he got behind the wheel, and one glimpse of boyhood uncertainty trekked across his features as he asked me quietly, “So what do you want to do now?”

I took a deep breath, ’cause I wasn’t sure what he was asking and told him so.

“I mean, do I take you home, or…? If you were a girl, I’d ask you to go parking, but….”

“I’m not ready for that.” I frowned and turned in my seat a bit. “One day, sure, but tonight, we should probably go home.” He nodded and started the car. I sat back, lost in troubled thoughts. I watched the streetlights come on and the red, green, and white lights wash across Billy’s handsome face from the moment we left the theater until he pulled into my driveway. “Are you really all right with this? ’Cause I’m never gonna be a girl, Billy. Are you really okay with me being your boyfriend?”

He looked at me a minute, then shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry in my life. “You
guess
? No, Billy, you don’t
guess
at this, goddammit! You’re either okay with us dating or you’re
not
!”

“Yeah, then, I am. Geez.” His face was completely freaked as he started to shake his head. “I just don’t think this is as big a deal as you do, Tobes.”

Despite the warmth of him falling back on a childhood nickname, I felt my heart sink and started to get out of the car, but he grabbed my elbow and kept hold of me. “What I mean is, I’m still trying to get used to everything, but I don’t have a problem with how things are going. As long as we keep going, keep things between us natural. I’d tell you if I had a problem. I don’t want you to be a girl; I just don’t know
how
to date a guy. I don’t know what’s different, except… well,
that
. But you’re my best friend, and you like me. And I like you too. You’re just making a way bigger deal out of us being dudes than I think about. All I know is you’re Toby. You’re my best friend, and I like how it feels when you kiss me.” He smiled and reached up to cup my cheek, his palm warm and tentative against my skin. “Like I said, I’m still getting used to this, but I like it just the same.”

I slumped in the seat, overcome with relief and the smallest glimmer of hope. “What time do you have to be home? We could order pizza or something, if your folks don’t mind.”

His folks didn’t mind, and I think I like pepperoni kisses most of all.

III.

T
HE
WALK
to school on Monday was almost normal as we both groaned about homework and bickered over which class was our favorite. Billy didn’t mention our date, but I didn’t feel the need to either. The air was still crisp but starting to warm up as the morning sun glowed over the rooftops and painted the sidewalk gold. But inside, I kept feeling a cold and sorrowful pit in my stomach, something that made me desperate to tone down, walk slower, and hold on to the weekend as long as possible. Something more than normal back-to-school blues.

It was like my term paper, finals, and every project I’d ever had was all due the minute we set foot on campus, and I hadn’t started one of them. I should be home, faking sick, and getting my mom to call in for me. Maybe we could still turn around, and I could convince Billy to skive off with me and spend the day watching crappy TV with a big bowl of cereal. But it was too late. We were spotted just off campus by some girls in our class, and then we were right in front of the big glass front doors of the most foreboding beige building in the history of time, save the Colosseum.

Billy turned around when he realized I’d stopped outside and came back out to find me. “Hey, Tobes…. Class is that way.” He pointed off over his shoulder. “You coming?”