First to Dance (30 page)

As she went to bed, she realized that the man who found the letters might even come here to the space center tonight, to see if what the letters
said was true. She smiled at the thought.
Perhaps I should have given away this location a long time ago. The people might have destroyed it, or maybe not. Hopefully they will at least be curious enough not to. Maybe they will stop thinking that the books about Earth are lies.
She knew she would not be dropping off any more books for them. Carrying books back and forth through the forest was too much for her this time and she didn’t plan to do it again. She wanted to go back to Adonia to live out the rest of her days. She sighed and silently hoped the man who found her books would do something about it. In her mind, it was possibly this planet’s last chance to preserve the truth.

Timothy climbed into bed beside her and started stroking her arm. He nuzzled her neck, which a
nnoyed her and distracted her from thinking about things she found important. “I feel cozy beside you,” he said. “You bring comfort to these old bones.” Then he asked her a question that had long been on his heart. “Etana,” he said, “was there ever a time when you thought that you might love me? Was there ever a time when you thought that, had things been different, had we been two normal people living normal lives on one planet, you might have wanted to marry me, spend your life with me, and be my friend?”

“No,” she said. “There wasn’t.”

1
6

The record stopped. There was no record of her
returning to Adonia. No record of her death. No record of anything beyond that point. “What happened to her?” Ayita asked herself aloud. What happened to Dr. Azias? But when she searched his name, there was no record of him at all. Of course not. He set up this system; why would he use it to keep track of himself?

Ayita had been here for several days, but it was snowing outside
, so she couldn’t go back yet. She promised Ziyad that she would not leave without saying goodbye, and she would keep her promise, but after reading Etana’s story she knew without a doubt that she had to leave. She had to finish what Etana had started. She had to bring freedom back to Zozeis. And somehow, she knew that leaving books for them to find would never be enough. They needed to face the truth head on in a way that everyone saw it and no one could deny it. Etana worked in the background, but Ayita would show them the truth straight to their face, and even if they locked her up because of it, no one would forget the day she returned.

When the snowfall ended and she finally made it back to the town, she came across
Panya walking down the street, and there told her goodbye.

“So, you mean you’re really leaving? Like,
really
leaving, as in, I’ll never see you again?”

Ayita nodded. It was a hard thing to say.

“What about Dakarai?”

She tried to shrug it off without showing her hurt. “He’s forgetting me,” she said. “No, he’s forgotten me.”

“He’s only forgetting because you’re not spending time with him.”

“My life is meant for something bigger than this,” she said.

“And tell me, what in the universe is bigger than love?”

“This isn’t love,” Ayita said.

“Then what is it?”

Ayita felt tears coming to her eyes. “It’s just a shallow friendship,” she said. She choked on her words.

“I don’t believe that,” Panya said. “I don’t believe it for a second.  Don’t give up on him. Maybe he gave up on me but you better not give up on him.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t you see? He was the one. My child’s father.  I didn’t tell you before, but I’m telling you now. You’re his only chance. He can’t start a family with anyone else without forgetting and being forgotten, but you…you’ll remember what he forgets. You won’t let it happen again.  You won’t break his heart.” She sighed. “Like I did.” She took a deep breath and tried to hide the tears in her eyes. “Unless you leave,” she said. “Because if you leave, then he’s going to be alone for the rest of his life, and I don’t think he’ll ever let anyone in.”

“And
Kesi?” she asked.

“
She’s just a distraction,” she said. “When I broke his heart, when I forgot our child, she filled in as a distraction. But it didn’t last then and it won’t last now. I know him—he won’t let himself get close to her, not
heart
close, the way he is to you. She’s too forgetful, and he hates that. He moved into the forest because he hates it. He hates that we forget. He hates that he forgets. He puts up with it over the winter because he has no choice, but as soon as the summer starts, he’ll be back to his lonely spot in the forest, and Kesi won’t follow him.”

“
Panya,” Ayita said, “you still love him.”

Panya
started crying. “I do,” she said. “And that’s why I need you to stay. For him.” She gestured to the houses around them. “For all of us. We need you. We need you here to help us remember. You’ve done so much for us. For the children, for me.”

Ayita took a deep breath. She wanted to reach over and wipe the tears from her friend’s eyes. She looked over at the house
where she’d caught a glimpse of Dakarai entering a few moments earlier. “You go,” she said, “and start over, fresh. He doesn’t remember you. He won’t know what happened before. It won’t matter that you disappointed him once; you can start fresh and make things right. You can go to him in the summer, and stay close to him in the winter.”

Panya
shook her head. “I won’t do that to him again. I’m not strong like you. I can’t keep a family together. I forget too easily.”

“You’re strong,
Panya.” Ayita looked into her eyes. “Your love is strong.”

Panya
shook her head. “It’s not enough.”

Ayita faintly smiled. “But what in the universe can be stronger than love?” she asked.

Panya did not smile. “You don’t understand Ayita.
He
doesn’t love me; he loves
you
. And you might try to deny it, but I know that you love him, too. The question is, who do you love more: him, or yourself?”

The words stung, and
Panya meant them to. But Ayita was certain that she was wrong. “When I leave, he won’t even notice,” Ayita said. “He’s already forgotten that he knows me.”

“He might think he’s forgotten, but his heart remembers. Trust me, his heart remembers. There will be an empty space there when you’re gone.”

Ayita sighed. “I have to go,” she said. “I left home to find Earth and my heart will never truly be at peace until I do. As long as it’s possible to go, I have to go.”

“As long as you know what you’re leaving behind,”
Panya said. Then she looked away. “But I don’t know how your heart could possibly be at peace without the man you’re in love with.”

An icy breeze flowed between them and Ayita withdrew her hands into her coat sleeves. They said nothing more on the topic and walked away from each other—
Panya to the house she was staying in and Ayita to the school building, where Ziyad would be.

Ziyad
seemed numb when she found him, as though he were grieving, but his face brightened when he saw her.

“I thought you’d gone,” he said. “I know you said you wouldn’t leave until
after you said goodbye, but it’s been so many days…”

“There was a lot for me to learn, there. There still is.”

“Does that mean you’ll stay until you’ve learned it?”

“Perhaps, but I will be at the space center, not here.”

“Ayita…”

“Yes,
Ziyad?”

“Please stay.”

She paused and stared at him.

“You could come with me,” she said.

He contemplated the idea.

“You don’t have to stay here forever, feeling alone as you do.”

He took her hand and looked into her eyes. “Even going with you I would be alone, because I’ll never have your heart the way Dakarai does.”

Suddenly she understood why he was grieving.
She didn’t know what to say to that, so she said nothing. Then she pulled him in for a hug.

“I will write it all down for you,
Ziyad. There is a bed in that building, and I will leave the instructions on the pillow. If you ever change your mind, you’ll know how to find me.”

He hugged her a little more tightly when she said that, but he knew in his heart that he would never use those instructions to find her. He would stay here, as he always had, and life would go on without her. Still, he said
nothing to discourage her from writing it.

Ziyad
walked with her to the door. When she stepped outside, the weather felt warm, which seemed so odd after it was snowing just the day before.

“Yesterday’s snow was unusual,”
Ziyad said, as if he knew her thoughts. “It was a rare cold day, surrounded by warm ones. I suppose you didn’t spend much time outside while you were there, so you didn’t notice the weather change. I’m glad you came back today; if you’d waited much longer, we would have already left for home.”

“How much longer?”

“We’ll probably pack up and leave within the week. Spring is coming, and everyone is getting restless here. Buds are forming on the trees…we’re ready to go home. Our blankets will keep us warm until the weather does.”

“Oh,” she said. She didn’t know why this saddened her, as she wasn’t planning to
be around anyway. She would spend the rest of her time here at the space center until she was prepared to take off.

“Are you going to say goodbye to
Dakarai?” Ziyad asked.

“No,” sh
e said. “He won’t remember it if I do, and he won’t notice it if I don’t.”

Ziyad
sighed. “Maybe not, but
you’ll
remember.”

Ayita thought about his words. Did she want to spend her life knowing that she’d left without even saying goodbye
to him? She brought her hand up to the wooden turtle hanging from her neck. Inside were two seeds that they agreed they would plant together. It was a promise that only she remembered, now.

“I’ll say goodbye to him in my heart,” she said. “But I’m not ready to do that
, yet. Saying goodbye in person would mean nothing to either of us right now.”

She gave
Ziyad one last hug. She walked in her direction, and he in his. They would never see each other again. She would write the instructions for him all the same because she promised she would, but even she knew that he would not follow her.

It took Ayita several days to get everything ready. She prepared both spaceships this time for a voyage to Earth, filling up the food storage compartments and configuring the settings on the computer.
As she worked, she wrote down every detail of what she did in a blank journal that she’d brought from the school building.

Ayita studied the possible landing locations on Earth, and selected the one that
Etana had traveled to most frequently. She added this detail to the journal, and then, she didn’t know why, but she didn’t want to leave yet. She decided to spend one more night at the space center, and as she lay down to sleep, she felt a sort of strange connection to the woman Etana who had slept here before and whose clothes were still hanging in the closet. What happened to her? Where was she?

The next morning, she woke up and everything was ready so she could leave.
“All set to go,” she said to herself. But then she felt tears come to her eyes and she realized she didn’t want to leave Dakarai, not really. She wasn’t ready to say goodbye. What if Panya was right? What if he hadn’t truly forgotten her?  What if her leaving really was leaving a hole in his heart?

She logged on to the main computer and searched for
Dakarai in the History Log to read the most recent records. He was home now. They’d left only two days after Ayita said her goodbyes to Ziyad and Panya. When he got home to the forest, the first thing he did was jump in the lake. It didn’t matter to him that the water had only recently thawed and the temperature was still ice-cold. He warmed himself in the sun on the grass. He played his small wooden instrument. He dove from the top of the waterfall and came out of the water with a smile. He did everything he always did.

He’s happy
, she thought.
He’s happy without me.
And she smiled because she wanted him to be. She wanted him to be happy.