Flash Burnout (28 page)

There's another hairpin turn almost immediately, and I start panting in an effort not to overload on adrenaline.
Don't slow down and don't crash,
my brain screams.
Just a tap on the brakes.

I make it! I'm alive and I'm spilling and thrilling down the hill!

I know there are lots of other turns waiting for me before I get to the bottom, but right now it's a beautiful straight shot. I gasp at the wide-alive joy in my blood.

Gus lets out a guttural yell.

I feel a similar sound roaring out of my throat.

I'm practically airborne. I'm flying.

And I am not going to crash.

MAD-SAD PLAYLIST

1) "She Hates Me"—Puddle of Mudd

Hahaha! Very cleansing.

2) "Done With You"—Papa Roach

Good old Papa Roach. Truly: we are so done.

3) "Through Glass"—Stone Sour

Starts out sad, but kicks some ass by the end. "Sitting all alone inside your head." Yeah, that's not a good place to be.

4) "It Ends Tonight"—All-American Rejects

"I'm on my own side."
Yes
. From now on, I am on my own side. Thank you, All-American Rejects!

5) "4 AM Forever"—Lostprophets

Good, sad yelling.

6) "Blurry"—Puddle of Mudd

"Everything is so messed up." Yes, my muddy friends. It is. Rage on.

7) "Already Over"—Red

This helps me get it through my head.

8) "Bring It On Home to Me"—Sam Cooke

He'll be your slave till he's in the
grave,
lady! Just give him another chance. Bring that good lovin' on home to him, okay?

9) "All Over You"—The Spill Canvas

The singer's guts are "strewn out from coast to coast." Jeez, Spill Canvas Guy, have some dignity.

10) "How's It Going to Be"—Third Eye Blind

Starts out quiet, then the music swells and the singer starts wailing.

11) "I Miss You"—blink-182

Oh God, I love the squeak of the guitar strings and the pretty piano and the killing violins, and then the singer's demands come busting out.
12) "Luminous Times"—U2

This is a cautionary tale dressed up as a love song. The more you hear Bono beg, "Hold on to love ... love won't let you go," the more worried you get. "She is the car crash" doesn't sound like the kind of girl you should hold on to.

13) "Hemorrhage (In My Hands)"—Fuel

Anytime you talk about love and bleeding in the same sentence, it's not going to be a happy ending.

14) "Say It to Me Now"—from the motion picture soundtrack
Once

The angriest beautiful song
ever.
Perfect ending to this playlist.

SAD-SAD PLAYLIST

1) "She's Gone"—Daryl Hall and John Oates

This song is seventies-tastic, but it's pretty good.

2) "Colors"—Amos Lee

It's so true. Colors look faded when your love is gone.

3) "I Go to Sleep"—Sia

This chick starts out sad and sedated ... but then she turns on the wide-awake yowl and her voice captures you like a dart to the chest.

4) "Over and Over"—Nelly, featuring Tim McGraw

Great, now I have to think about her being with someone else. I didn't think of that before!

5) "The Same Boy You've Always Known"—The White Stripes

How do these people keep making such good songs with only two instruments? Except for that doorbell one, of course.

6) "Color of a Lonely Heart Is Blue"—Old 97's

The perfect sad song.

7) "The Animals Were Gone"—Damien Rice

I take it back ...
this
is the perfect sad song. Big wall-of-sound sorrow, with strings and shit.

8) "I Fall to Pieces"—Patsy Cline

Ancient song, but Patsy pours on the heartache. She's right ... how can you act like you were never
with
someone?

9) "I Can't Help It (If I'm Still in Love with You)"—Hank

Williams

Old-timey song that makes me want to put on shitkicker boots and a cowboy hat. But I totally feel the guy.

10) "It's Over"—Roy Orbison

Another old-timey song ... three in a row. But I kinda dig them. Roy wails!

11) "The Ocean"—The Bravery

This song is now a permanent piece of pain in my heart. The rhythm is all primal and rolling, too, just like the ocean.

12) "Here Without You"—3 Doors Down

An I-haven't-moved-on song.

13) "Crying"—k.d. lang

When the audience bursts into applause, I get goose bumps and feel like
I
might cry. Thanks a lot, Cappie!

14) "Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini, Opus 43, Variation 18, Andante cantabile"—Van Cliburn

OMG, is Cappie trying to
kill
me? This song has no words, but somehow it still makes me want to weep uncontrollably. And here's a tip: don't rent the movie
Somewhere in Time,
which has this song in it. Now I can hardly function from tragedy! Christopher Reeve was young and strong and alive in this movie.

15) "Pictures of You"—The Cure

Old-school angst. Classic.

F
ierce love to my family. They give me everything.

L
iteraticat, a.k.a. Jennifer Laughran, thank you for the super-strength, sugar-free agenting. Oh, and that little matter of making my lifelong dream come true.

A
wesome editor Margaret Raymo—thank you for believing in my book enough to take a chance on it, and for being generous with the compliments every step of the way. Thanks, also, to the whole Houghton Mifflin Harcourt team. I look forward to thanking you all in person someday.

S
isters Michelle and Beverly are my Ideal Readers, and I adore them both. Gratitude and love also to my parents, my
first
readers.

H
ard-working critique partners (Melissa Higgins, C. Lee McKenzie, and Heather Strum) deliver the most thoughtful, insightful comments a writer could wish for.

B
rian McLernon (he's not really "Spike") was kind enough to read the book in manuscript form and make sure I wasn't committing photography faux pas.

U
nsurpassed in the FRIEND department—I would write a letter of reference for any of them—Jo, John, Sharon, Karyn, Benita, Melissa, Laura, Laureen, and Carla. And He Who Prefers to Remain Anonymous—thank you for talking to me about cadavers,
dieners,
and beveled bullet wounds. There would be no book without you.

R
eal Life, Real Time local writer friends April Henry and Lisa Schroeder are indispensable. And Sara Zarr may not be local, but she kindly provides sanity checks.

N
ovelists need constant encouragement, so to anyone who ever told me not to give up: thank you.

O
nline friends have a way of becoming as indispensable as RL ones. Thanks, Debs (
www.feastofawesome.com
), for all the fun and feelings. Thanks also to Jo Knowles, whose 2005 JoNoWriMo+1.5 Challenge drove me to finish this book in a concentrated burst of inspiration and determination.

U
ntold gallons of coffee and iced tea, plus infusions of chocolate, result in happy hours of writing.

T
his is really my book. Wow.

If you are interested in photography, the following books are wonderful resources.

Burke, Carolyn.
Lee Miller: A Life.
Knopf, 2005.

Govignon, Brigitte, ed.
The Abrams Encyclopedia of Photography.
Harry N. Abrams, 2004.

Hammond, Anne.
Ansel Adams: Divine Performance.
Yale University Press, 2002.

Hedgecoe, John.
The Book of Photography: Simple Techniques for Taking Better Pictures.
DK, Dorling Kindersley, 2005.

Hoy, Anne H.
The Book of Photography.
National Geographic, 2005.

Jenkinson, Mark.
The Complete Idiots Guide to Photography Essentials.
Alpha, 2008.

Lenman, Robin, ed.
The Oxford Companion to the Photograph.
Oxford University Press, 2005.

Montier, Jean-Pierre.
Henri Cartier-Bresson and the Artless Life.
Bulfinch Press, 1996.

Newman, Cathy.
Women Photographers at National Geographic.
National Geographic, 2000.

Peterson, Bryan.
Learning to See Creatively: Design, Color & Composition
in Photography. Amphoto Books, 2003.

PHOTOgraphic Magazine and Mike Stensvold.
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Photography Like a Pro.
Alpha, 2005.

Steichen, Edward, ed.
The Family of Man. Museum of Modern
Art,
1955.