Flawlessly Broken: (Broken Series Book 2) (35 page)

“Talia.” I dropped my hands to my sides and stood there hearing her name repeating on a continuous loop in my mind. One word, laced with equal parts pain and longing.

Shit.

So much for discretion.

I didn’t intend to talk about it, not with anyone, but something in Brant’s expression told me he would understand. It struck me again how much I didn’t know about the guy and that added another layer to my sadness.

He nodded and opened his door, only three down from my own, dropping his duffel inside and jerking it shut as he rejoined me in the empty hall. “Let’s head downstairs to the bar. I’ll send Clay a text to meet us there.”

I gathered from his tone that he anticipated needing much more alcohol than the mini-bars in our rooms could provide.

He was right.

WE FOUND A
corner booth at the back of the spacious bar and ordered our first three rounds at once. No need to be timid with the shit, I wasn’t easing into it this time.

Tonight I was diving in head first.

Brant sat across from me without comment while I downed my first two drinks in rapid succession. When I started to feel that all too welcome fuzziness seep into my mind, I sat back and studied him. “Why don’t I know you better? I’m sitting here wondering if you’ve ever been burned like I just was and it occurred to me that I’ve never known you to be in a relationship at all.”

He shrugged and sipped his bourbon. “Just never thought my life story was interesting enough to share, I guess. I’m not hiding anything, just don’t really have much to say.” He stared down at the amber liquid in his glass. “Have I been burned? Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“More than once?” I thought back to Ivey and didn’t recall ever feeling this devastated by the loss of my marriage. But one fleeting image of Talia in my mind made me want to double over in pain.

He shook his head and took a long swallow of his drink. “Nope. Once was enough for me.”

I waited for him to elaborate but he just kept his attention on his drink. I nodded to myself and respected his silence on this one. “Well, that means you’re a shitload smarter than me, but we already knew that, didn’t we?” I joked half-heartedly.

“Having a high IQ doesn’t help worth a fuck against love-induced stupidity. We’re all vulnerable to it, I’m afraid.” His expression belied the wry tone in his voice. For a moment, I saw pain in his pinched features that mirrored my own.

Yeah, he’d been burned.

“I always thought that the first heartbreak would be the worst, you know. Like the second time around you’d feel it less because the scars from the first time somehow hardened you,” I observed, fighting to sound detached and failing.

Brant shook his head. “I imagine that could be true for some situations, some people. But then there’s the possibility that—at least for some of us—it’s like a flood, and the amount of erosion depends on the size of the flood. The first might leave a shallow groove and the next might create an abyss. All depends.” He shrugged and looked up at me, eyes full of sympathy. “I got my abyss the first time around. Looks like it took the second flood for you to get yours.”

“You been talking to my sister or something? Because that sounds like something she’d say,” I joked, deflecting.

“The therapist?” He gave me a half smile.

I nodded.

“No, can’t say I have. Had my own shrink, thank you. Shrink, therapist, grief counselor... whatever. It was a long time ago.” His eyes took on a faraway look.

“Back when the abyss was first formed?”

He nodded and drained his glass. “I guess some of the bullshit stuck in my head. He was big on imagery. Thought maybe it would help you more than it helped me. Sorry. Should have known better.” Our waitress stopped by to check in and Brant asked her to bring the bottle, barely noticing her response as he returned his gaze to me. “Clay better tighten the fuck up or he’s gonna miss the party.” Looked like he was getting better at sarcasm these days. I almost smiled.

“Yeah, I’m sure he’d hate to miss this,” I said with a snort. “Then again, he might be getting an earful of his own right now. Talia and Ali are best friends, after all.”

Brant looked at me oddly, sort of squinting and annoyed. “Wait, you don’t think he’s going to jump into the middle of whatever’s going on and side against you or something, do you? Because that really would mean you’re stupid.”

I narrowed my gaze at him, feigning annoyance to hide my relief at his implication that Clay would have my back. “Remind me again why I wanted you to start talking more... because damn if I can remember.”

He laughed and took our bottle of bourbon from the server’s outstretched hand, waiting for her to move away before smiling over at me. “You know what they say... be careful what you wish for, fucker.”

Talia

“ALI, I TOLD
you already... I don’t want to go out tonight.” I sniffed noisily and peered at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, arguing with her through the closed door. I looked like shit but the image staring back at me was still a far cry from how horrible I felt. I half -expected to see some terrifying, ghoulish version of myself. That’s how I probably
should
look, given what I’d just done, but I suppose truly vile people like myself walk around all the time looking just like everyone else, no identifying mark to reveal their true nature to the unfortunate souls in their path.

Souls like Spencer.

And Derek.

God, what the hell was I thinking dragging him into this shit? Even after what he’d done to me all those years ago, he didn’t deserve to be thrust into my drama again.

“I don’t give a flying shit what you want right now, Talia,” Ali called through the door. I could practically see her clenched jaw and flared nostrils. She was livid, another casualty in the train wreck that my life had become. Her anger at me was not entirely unexpected but damn. This was a level of ticked off that I hadn’t seen in a long time, and never directed at me. “The fact is that I’m in desperate need of a goddamn drink and you’re the reason for that. So guess what, buttercup? You’re going. We’re picking up Gina at the restaurant and we are having our night out and maybe, just maybe, we can find a way to fucking fix the enormous mistake you just made.”

I opened the door and was met with her withering stare, which I ignored as I stepped into my room. “It wasn’t a mistake. It was for the best and you know it.” I made for the closet to change, having soaked my dress with the copious amounts of water I’d splashed on my face while trying to calm down. “I didn’t intend for it to happen the way it did, but it still had to happen.”

“Stop it. Stop lying to yourself.” She raised her voice and walked over, gripping my upper arms and forcing me to meet her gaze. “There is no excuse for what you just did. You decimated that man, you know that, right? And don’t get me started on how you used Derek as some sort of weapon to blindside a man whose only intention was to love you.” She gave me a shake that nearly gave me whiplash. “How could you do something so callous, to both of them? This isn’t you. The Talia I’ve known all my life would never intentionally hurt anyone, ever.” She loosened her grip and let her hands slide down to grip my own, dropping her voice to a pained whisper. “Please, make me understand because I think my heart is breaking just as much as Spencer’s is right now. I so wanted you to be happy again.”

She looked up at me with glossy eyes, her chin quivering ever so slightly.

And the dam broke all over again.

AFTER WE’D CRIED
ourselves out, Ali waited in the living room for me to get changed and I pulled myself together, gearing up for the long talk ahead.

We sat on the couch, each sitting with our legs tucked beneath us, our knees nearly touching and sharing the throw blanket that my mother had given me when I left for college. We’d sat just this way more times than I could count, sharing secrets and talking about boys, planning our futures. I tried to hold onto the warm feeling that thought gave me as I began to explain how I’d napalmed my future with Spencer.

She knew what motivated me, so I skipped over that part. I explained the way I’d been gorging on Spencer these last few days, trying to make every last moment count because I knew it would be ending soon. I told her about Derek’s appearance and our conversation, told her about the hug and my attempt to make peace with what he’d done.

When I got to the part where Spencer spotted us she groaned, obviously aware that he’d been cheated on in the past. “Why didn’t you tell him the truth? All you had to do was show him the damn magazine and explain that what he saw was nothing more than you saying goodbye.”

“I know, and that was what I was about to do...”

She leaned forward, motioning for me to continue. “Until...?”

“You know Meagan, who lives on three? The one who just had a baby?”

She nodded, perplexed with the sudden shift in topic.

“Well, she and the baby were leaving right around that time and they stopped so Caleb—that’s the baby’s name—could chatter at Spencer. Just like every baby that ever comes in contact with him. They love him, even the ones who are usually afraid of strangers.” My throat threatened to close at the image of him smiling down into their tiny faces, so many over the last few weeks I’d lost count. “Seeing that again, in that moment, made my decision for me. I had the opportunity to make the break, so I took it. Before Spencer could get close enough to hear, I told Derek that I’d forgive him if he played along with whatever I said.”

She shook her head, closing her eyes like she couldn’t bear to look at me just then. “And since that’s the one thing he’s been desperate for, he agreed.”

I nodded, though she still hadn’t opened her eyes. “He didn’t say a word, just stood there supporting me, knowing there was a chance the words coming out of my mouth would end up getting his ass kicked. He never wavered or backed down, didn’t even flinch when Spencer said cruel things to him.”

“Of course not. He was desperate for your forgiveness.” Her eyes slowly opened and she pursed her mouth ruefully. “Despite how much I’ve hated him all these years, I don’t think he deserved what you did to him today.”

“I know.”

She watched me for a moment. “Did you at least explain things to him when it was all over?”

I looked down and fiddled with the covers, ashamed. “Yes.”

“And did he tell you that you were fucking up?”

My heart squeezed painfully when I remembered what he’d said as we sat in the coffee shop on the corner, where he’d dragged me after Spencer walked away and I looked like I might fall to the pavement.

I’d refused to go to the apartment. I owed him an explanation but the idea of having to tell him my motives was daunting enough without choosing to do it in my apartment. It would be wrong to bring him there. The only man who ever belonged there, the only one I ever wanted there, was Spencer.

Ali poked my knee. “What did he say, Talia?”

I looked up and over her shoulder at the city lights glowing through the front window. “He said I was just like him. Punishing myself. Letting it consume me. He told me that at least he’d had a good reason for his self-hatred, unlike me.”