Flight of the Jabiru (46 page)

“She's so happy that she met you. So happy,” Walter whispered before drifting off again.

Lara was baffled. She was sure her father was hallucinating. When the nurse popped in she asked if the medication he'd been given would be causing him to hallucinate.

“No, not at all,” Sister Willis said. “It would just make him very sleepy.”

“That's odd. He's saying very strange things,” Lara commented.

“Sometimes medication can cause people to become less inhibited and they say things they might normally be guarded about.”

Walter tried to open his eyes again. “Elsie,” he called groggily.

“It's me, Dad. Lara”.

“Oh, I thought it was your mother,” Walter said, and went to sleep again.

Lara looked at him in disbelief. “Dad,” she said, shaking his arm. “Was my mother named Elsie?” Lara asked. Since she was little she'd believed her mother's name was Elise but didn't dare to question her father. When she was ten, she'd plucked up the courage to ask if she could see her mother's grave, but her father became very upset, so she dropped the subject “Dad, did you hear me. Was my mother named Elsie?”

“Elsie Fox ... the love of my life,” Walter whispered with his eyes still closed.

Lara gasped in shock and stood up. “He can't know what he's saying,” she reasoned. She paced the room, wondering why her father would say something like that when it wasn't true. Surely her mother had been the love of his life.

Lara went for a walk because she couldn't sit still. She walked through a nearby park, ankle deep in snow, and tried to work out why her father would say that Elsie Fox was the love of his life. It was impossible. When she got back to her father's room, he was awake. He was sitting up in bed having a cup of tea.

“Hello, love,” Walter said cheerfully. “What did you bring me for lunch today?”

“Nothing, Dad. I was here earlier. Remember?”

“Were you? I don't remember that.”

“You were sleepy, so I went for a walk.”

“I had a terrible night because of the lunatic across the hall.”

“Elsie Fox told me. She was here when I got here this morning.”

Walter flushed. “Who?”

“The lady who works in the flower shop down stairs. She visits you regularly and this morning you claimed she was the love of your life.”

“Why would you say something like that?” Walter asked in surprise.

“I'd like to know why you'd say something like that, Dad.”

“I ... I wouldn't.”

“You did, this morning, while under the influence of medication.”

“Then I didn't know what I was saying,” Walter insisted.

“I think you did, Dad. And I want to know why Elsie is the love of your life.” Lara watched her father closely. He seemed uncomfortable discussing Elsie with her, almost afraid.

“I guess I have to eat hospital food today,” he grumbled, trying to change the subject.

But Lara didn't let him distract her. “Were you in love with Elsie Fox while married to my mother?” she asked directly.

Walter looked shocked, then dismayed. His gaze dropped to the sheets.

“Is it true, Dad? Were you in love with Elsie?”

Walter looked up again. He could see the determination in her features. “I don't know why I'd say something like that,” he said.

“If you don't tell me the truth, Dad, I'll ask Elsie Fox.”

“Don't do that,” Walter said, panicked. “I promised her I'd keep her secret.”

“Secret! What secret? Were you having an affair behind my mother's back?”

Walter knew Lara wasn't going to let the subject drop. “Of course not, Lara.”

“I don't believe you. I want the truth, Dad. You've always kept silent about the painful subject of my mother, but I'm a grown woman. I want to know the truth and if you won't tell me, I'll ask Elsie Fox.”

Walter sighed. “You're right, Lara. I've always hidden the truth from you. But it's not what you think. I wasn't having an affair. Elsie Fox was the love of my life.”

“How could you do that to my mother?” Lara asked angrily.

“Lara, Elsie Fox is your mother.”

Lara reeled. “No, she's not. My mother is dead.”

“No, she's not, Lara. It was easier to tell you that than have you grieve for something you couldn't have.”

Lara tried to comprehend what her father had just said. “Elsie Fox, the flower shop lady, is my mother?”

“That's right, Lara. But there's so much more to the story. It's not her fault that she wasn't in your life.”

Lara leapt to her feet again, staggered by shock. “All these years I believed my mother was dead. And now you're saying she's been in Newmarket all this time. How could you do that to me?” She turned and fled the room in tears. Walter called her name, but she didn't stop.

When Lara reached the ground floor, she saw Elsie in the flower shop and impulsively went to her. Elsie saw Lara's stricken expression and knew something was wrong. She watched Lara calmly. For the past two years she'd worried this day of reckoning would come.

“Is it true? Are you my mother?” Lara demanded to know in a loud voice.

“How did you find out?” Elsie asked quietly.

Lara gasped. “It is ... true!”

“Yes, it is true, Lara.”

“If you didn't die, then that means you left me and dad.”

“Yes,” Elsie admitted. “But...”

“How could you leave your child? How could you let me grow up without a mother?”

“There's a reason,” Elsie said, aware they were drawing attention. “Can we talk about it in private?”

“There can't be any reason for a mother to leave her child. Obviously you didn't want me, you didn't love me.”

Elsie looked at her in silence. She could see now wasn't the time to reason with Lara. She had to let her vent.

“You can't even deny it. Don't you ever, ever come near me or my father again. Not ever, do you hear me?” Lara turned and stormed out of the flower shop, leaving people nearby gaping at her.

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

Lara didn't recall anything of the journey home. At some point she realized she was in her kitchen, and she'd locked the door hoping to shut out the world and her pain, but that was wishful thinking. Her thoughts were frenetic. It was near impossible to comprehend that everything she'd believed her whole life had been a lie. Being abandoned by her mother and having her father lie about it was all too much. She found a bottle of sherry and poured herself a large glass.

Two hours later the bottle was empty and she'd fallen into an exhausted sleep at the kitchen table. She awoke when it was dark and clumsily made her way upstairs.

The next day she couldn't get out of bed. She curled up, with the sheet over her head, and suffered a gamut of emotion. One minute she was wallowing in a pool of self-pity. Then she'd become furious that she was deceived and abandoned. That led to overwhelming sadness for the life she'd missed. It was exhausting.

In the afternoon Lara heard Beryl Brown knocking on the door and calling her name, but she couldn't face her. She didn't have the energy to communicate or pretend that everything was all right. She couldn't imagine it ever being all right again.

The following morning she woke up with just one thing on her mind. She had to know the reason her mother had abandoned her and her father. She needed to know the whole truth. It wouldn't make any difference, but she couldn't leave things hanging. She dressed and went to the hospital.

Lara quietly opened the door to her father's room. He was staring out of the window. He looked lost and bewildered, and as sad as she felt. Despite her anger with him, she couldn't forget that he'd been a wonderful father who'd loved her very much.

“Dad,” she said.

Walter turned to look at her and she saw the vulnerability in his features. “Lara! I'm so glad you came. When I didn't see you yesterday I was so worried.”

“You couldn't expect to tell me something so ... mindboggling and expect me to absorb it without going into shock.”

“There was no easy way to tell you the truth. That's why I haven't done it before now.”

“You could've saved yourself the anguish if you'd been honest with me years ago.”

“What happened back then was too hard for a little girl to understand,” Walter said.

“My mother didn't want me. That's hard to comprehend, granted, but at least it was the truth and I would've learnt to deal with it.”

“That's not what happened, Lara.”

“Then what did happen, Dad? What other explanation is there for my mother being alive for all these years and having nothing to do with me?”

“Sit down and I'll tell you,” Walter said patiently.

Lara sat in the chair beside his bed.

“I was twenty-eight years old when I married your mother in 1915,” Walter said, glancing out of the window again. “We were deliriously happy, and almost oblivious to the war going on. Elsie didn't have a wedding gown and I didn't have a good suit, but it didn't matter. Our love was all that mattered. It was snowing, just like it is now. “Elsie was twenty-three, blond, petite, and beautiful, just like you, and definitely the love of my life.”

His lips moved in the merest of a smile as he recalled how he'd felt at the time. “She loved horses as much as I did, so we had a lot in common. Before the war she won medals in dressage, show jumping, and cross country trials.”

Lara could plainly see the pride in her father's features.

“You were born three years after we married,” Walter said to Lara. “Apart from our wedding day, that was the happiest day of our lives.” Walter's features sobered.

“What happened to change that, Dad?” Lara asked.

“Elsie took a terrible fall in a cross country event in 1921. She suffered several broken bones and a severe head injury. She was rushed to hospital and they had to operate on her brain to ease swelling. I was told that if she survived the surgery there was a high risk that she'd have brain damage and never be the same.”

Lara was shocked again. This revelation was something she hadn't anticipated.

“You were just three years old at the time, too young to understand anything that was going on, which I suppose was a blessing. The worry was horrendous. Elsie did survive the surgery, but with a terrible complication. She had absolutely no memory of the past thirteen years of her life. She had no recollection of being married to me, or giving birth to you. We were complete strangers to her. The last thing she remembered was being sixteen and living at home with her parents and siblings. I hoped it might be a temporary situation, but it wasn't. I really believed that if her memory didn't come back, she'd fall in love with me all over again because we were so right for each other. I didn't understand how she couldn't love you. It was incomprehensible. After months of living with her I could see she wasn't getting any better. She wasn't falling in love with me. In fact, everything I did irritated her. She'd become a completely different person. She liked different things, different foods, and we couldn't share any memories. She was moody and frustrated all the time. I took her to the stables hoping to arouse memories because she loved horses so much, but she claimed she disliked horses and was allergic to them. She even began sneezing. It was quite bizarre. But the worst thing of all was her coldness towards you. She even said she disliked children. Of course you wanted your mother's love and affection, but she pushed you away. It broke my heart. This went on for months and I couldn't bear to see her hurting you. Eventually, I gave up and told her to leave. There was no point in going on and I didn't want her attitude towards you to scar you. I believed it was better that you thought your mother was dead. Was it the wrong thing to do? I can see how hurt you are now, so I don't know. But I believed it was the right thing to do at the time. You needed to be in a home where you were loved, even if it was by just one parent.”

“I can't believe a mother would forget her own child and not have a bond with that child,” Lara said incredulously.

“The doctors said it could happen. The brain is very complicated, Lara. Even though Elsie agreed that it was better that she leave us, it hurt her to see me suffering. She apologized for not being able to love me, or you. I was angry, but not with her. I was angry that the accident happened and our idyllic lives were ruined. It took me awhile; a few years in fact, to appreciate how hard it was for Elsie to have no memories, and a huge void in her life. She went away to London to start again. She had to get to know who she was then because she had no memory of who she used to be. She didn't even remember members of her own family, nieces, and nephews born in the past thirteen years. She didn't remember her brother's wife of five years. She kept looking for her father who'd died in an accident nine years earlier. It was very difficult for her family, too.”

“Have none of her memories come back?”

“I don't think so. I haven't spoken to her about it because I didn't want to make her feel sad again. I had no idea she'd returned to Newmarket or that she worked at this hospital. I was shocked to find her sitting beside my bed one day when I woke from a nap. She'd brought flowers up from the shop that were from Beryl's sister and recognized my name.”

Lara thought about what her father had told her. It was a lot to take in.

“Do you understand now, Lara?” Walter asked.

“I'm still disappointed that you lied to me for so many years, but I understand why you asked my mother to leave our home. But Dad, even if she didn't remember me, I think she should've kept in contact and taken an interest in my life.”

Walter was sad that Lara felt that way, but he didn't say so.

A week later, Walter had some good news for Lara when she got to the hospital. “The doctor said I'll be released from here in the next day or so. I won't be able to go back to work for some time yet, until I get my strength back, but I can't wait to sleep in my own bed again.”

“That's great news, Dad. I'm looking forward to having you at home again.”

“I'm sure you are fed up coming here every day.”

“I haven't minded but the weather has been terrible, which makes the journey unpleasant. I never thought I'd miss the Australian heat.”

“You probably feel uncomfortable with Elsie downstairs.”

“Has she been to see you?” Lara had told her father that she'd verbally attacked Elsie. She now felt remorseful for her behavior.

“Yes, but don't be angry. I sent her a message asking her to come up because I wanted to see if she was all right.”

“And was she?”

“Not really. To be honest, she didn't say much at all. She appeared to be very sad.”

At that point the nurse came in to take Walter for an x-ray.

“I'll head home, Dad,” Lara said, kissing his cheek. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

When Lara got downstairs, she headed for the flower shop. There weren't any customers and Elsie was busy trimming flower stems, so she didn't see her approach.

“Hello,” Lara said when she was standing on the other side of the counter.

Elsie looked up in surprise. “Hello,” she said guardedly.

“Dad told me what happened when I was a little girl. I should've given you a chance to explain. I'm sorry for blasting you.”

Elsie looked relieved. “You don't owe me an apology, Lara.”

“I guess we never know how we're going to react when we're in a state of shock.”

“I just hope you aren't angry with your father. He did the best he could in a difficult situation.”

“I won't lie, I felt betrayed because he lied to me. I never imagined he'd do that, but I've had time to digest it all and I understand why he did it.”

“It can't have been easy to raise a little girl on his own, but he did a wonderful job. You are a remarkable young lady. I have no right, but I'm so proud of you.”

“Thank you.” Lara felt awkward. She still couldn't comprehend that the woman she was talking to was her mother, but she found herself looking for similarities between them. “I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you to lose a huge piece of your memory.”

“I can't describe it, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Everything is a blank. The hardest part was that I was expected to feel a certain way and I disappointed Walter, and you, and my family, every day. You were just a little girl who wanted her mother's love. I didn't mean to be cold, but I didn't have that motherly instinct that should just come naturally. I couldn't remember feeling that way. I feel so ashamed now. You deserved more...”

“Dad has been a wonderful father. We've always been so close because it was just the two of us.” Lara could see the flicker of hurt in Elsie's features. “Have none of your memories come back?” She hadn't meant to ask that question. It just came out.

Elsie looked at her for a moment, as if deciding whether to divulge something. “Two years ago, I slipped on some ice and smashed my head on the pavement. I was in a coma for seventeen days.”

Lara was shocked to hear this.

“When I eventually woke up, I started to have flashes of the past. I remembered giving birth to you, and how overjoyed I'd been to hold you in my arms. I remembered you as a precious little girl with sparkling eyes and bouncy, blond curls. I remembered how much I loved Walter. Over time I was even drawn to horses again, after being afraid of them for many years. I began to recall more and more memories, some quite vividly. To be honest, it was torture to remember how much I loved you and Walter. It was worse than not remembering because I couldn't believe I'd ever left my own child, my baby girl. I hated myself. His advice was to find you and Walter, and make amends, but I was too afraid and how could I ever make up for leaving you alone? I haven't even told Walter that I remember our love. I don't want to hurt him all over again.”

“I think it would give him some comfort, Elsie,” Lara said.

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes. We've all been robbed of time we'll never get back.” Lara realized that was the saddest thing about the whole situation. “We can't live in the past and we can't change it. We have to go forward. On that note, Dad is going home soon.”

“Today?”

“No, not today. Maybe tomorrow, or the next day.”

“I should say goodbye to him,” Elsie said sadly. “You don't mind, do you?”

“No. I hope you'll come and see us at home. Will you?”

Elsie's eyes filled with tears. “Really?”

“Yes, Dad would enjoy that.”

Elsie nodded gratefully.

“I would, too,” Lara said, smiling as she walked away.

After her shift, Elsie went up to Walter's room. She found him gazing out of the window as dark shadows crept across the skyline. He had a peaceful expression on his face. “Hello, Walter,” she said.