Flip This Zombie (9 page)

At first nothing happened. The littlest zombie merely paced around and around its enclosure, heaving in breaths and occasionally throwing itself toward the cage bars as if it was testing their strength.

But, after about two minutes, its breathing rate slowed almost back to normal. The little creature stopped attacking the bars and instead returned to its dish of pellets and picked up a few to munch on. When the robotic hands returned to the cage and picked it up, it hardly registered a reaction. Slowly, they pulled the guinea pig to the other cage with the herd of other animals and deposited it within their ranks.

We were holding our collective breath as the once-infected animal not only didn’t attack the others, but merged into their group without so much as a growl in their direction. Apparently forgetful of their friend’s recent terrifying attempt to turn them into guinea pig steaks (a diet craze that will soon sweep the nation, I’m sure), they
welcomed him back to the fold (by ignoring him, but that’s as good as it gets with guinea pigs, I think).

Dave was the first one to break the silence. “How long does he stay like that?”

The doctor looked at us, eyes wide and filled with unmistakable triumph. “So far, permanently.”

I blinked. “What?”

“There are animals in that cage that were treated a week ago and have shown no signs of cannibalistic tendencies.”

“Were all of them infected at some point—could that be why they’re calm?” I asked, still staring at the apparently happy little group.

“I understand what you’re asking,” Barnes said with a shake of his head. “The infected don’t seem to attack each other. But no, there are five control animals in the pen that have never been infected. It—it’s a cure. Or at least it might be.”

Dave stared at him. “What do you mean
might
be?”

“I haven’t yet had a chance to test it on human subjects. Ones who are currently infected.
That
is why I require live specimens.” Barnes stared off at the cage again. “I’ve done some work on the heads of the deceased zombies in order to study brain chemistry and other elements, but—”

My eyes went wide as I thought of all the times we’d been told to bring back “evidence” of our kills by the people who had hired us. And that fact didn’t slip past Dave either.

“Wait, what?” Dave asked, his eyes narrowing until I was pretty sure he couldn’t see out of them at all. “You did work on
heads
? Is that why so many of our clients have been demanding we bring the heads of the zombies
back? To give to
you
? Exactly how many people know about your little lab?”

Barnes stood up and I watched as his hand slid over to touch the AK-47 that now rested on his desk top. I got to my own feet, hoping to defuse the situation if it escalated.

“No one!” Barnes insisted.

“Yeah, right.” Dave snorted. He leaned forward in an increasingly hostile pose. He can be a bit caveman at times. And not a Geico, go-bowling caveman, either.

I pressed a hand to his chest. “Honey, he might not be lying.”

“Bullshit,” Dave snapped.

I pushed harder to hold him in place. “Think about it, doofus! The camps are like Perez Hilton’s damn blog. Gossip and rumors fly through there. If someone knew about the lab, especially people like the ones who hire us, we would have heard about it. Someone would have tried to use the information as leverage.”

Dave’s expression softened slightly. Caveman
could
be reasoned with, you see.

“Yeah, maybe,” he grunted.

Barnes was nodding wildly. Apparently he didn’t want any kind of escalation with my husband, either. “I knew I couldn’t trust any of the ones who have brought me the heads with this secret. After spending just five minutes with most of them it was clear to me that none had the skills or the mind power to collect zombies themselves. I soon deduced they were all using your services to bring me what I desired.”

“We were the middle man,” I muttered with a shake of my head. “Son of a bitch.”

“Just from hearing about you,” the doctor continued, “and by observing you a few times from a safe distance, I could see you two were the clear leaders in killing zombies.”

“So why not just call upon us out in the open?” I asked. “Why go through the whole ruse of calling us here for a job and then taking us hostage?”

Barnes nodded. “I would have treated you with more respect, not to mention skipped the rather expensive trouble of using one of those idiots to post the note to you at camp, had I not heard more than once about David’s cynicism about… well, anything that implies hope. I had to assume you wouldn’t come had I made my true intentions clear.”

My husband and I both flinched. Apparently we’d been a bit transparent, even to the morons who hired us.

“You might be right about that,” Dave admitted, full of Grumpy-Pants irritation.

“I thought the only way I had any chance of obtaining your assistance was to
show
you what I’ve done here. To prove to you through your own experiences that I wasn’t a quack making false promises.”

Dave nodded slowly. “I
guess
that makes sense. For a mad scientist.”

Barnes exhaled a long breath. “If only I could test this serum on some human subjects, I would know for certain if it has the potential for curing these…
things
, or at least halting their desire to kill. And I’ll also be able to see its effect on the human brain, which is considerably more complex than a rodent’s.”

“In most cases,” I said with a faint smile.

Barnes laughed in response. It sounded rusty, but then I guess it was since he’d been alone for so long.

“True,” the doctor said with a slight nod. “I must see if the brain is damaged irreparably by the full transformation.”

“The guinea pigs seem okay,” Dave muttered as we all looked at the cage.

“They’re such simple creatures,” Barnes sighed. “There is little difference in the behavior of one with brain damage and one without, I’m afraid.” He turned his attention back to me. “In addition, I’d also like to be able to test my serum on subjects who have been bitten, but not fully transformed. That may be a way to stave off brain damage, but I’m not sure.”

I nodded. I could see there were many variables to consider.

“Now, please,” Barnes whispered, his gaze never leaving mine. “Will you help me? Will you save us all?”

“All right, all right,” Dave said as he sat back down. “Let’s not get overly dramatic.”

“I don’t think it’s dramatic to—” the doctor began.

I could see this was going to get us nowhere except for the two idiots in the room with the penises acting like morons and bumping chests some more. So to nip that in the bud, I raised my hands.

“What’s in it for us?”

Dave looked up at me in surprise and even Barnes stopped talking.

“I—well, you’d possibly be saving the world. I thought that might be enough compensation,” Barnes said.

I snorted. “Oh, that’s cute. How precious. Listen, Dr. Barnes—”

“Please, I’d like us to be friends. Call me Kevin.”

I hesitated because his eyes were sparkling at me from behind his glasses and the Luke Wilson thing and the clean thing were a little mesmerizing.

“Kevin,” I finally said. “The thing is,
Kevin
, you’ve been paying our little friends for what… a few weeks for work my husband and I have done. Saving the world is noble and all, but I’m with him.” I jerked my thumb toward David. “I’ll believe it when I see it. Until then, what’s the deal?”

He nodded. “I do have military-grade weapons, as well as high-powered ammo that I’d be willing to exchange for your risk. In addition…” He trailed off and once again smiled at me. In fact, he hadn’t looked at David for a few minutes. “Well, come with me and I’ll show you something.”

“His favorite thing to say,” Dave said as he got up and motioned to the door. “Go ahead, Doc, lead. I can’t wait to see what else you have besides infected guinea pigs and promises of a brave new world without zombies.”

I gave him a look as the doctor led us to the door. We swooped down the hallways past more windows that looked into additional lab rooms. Many contained more guinea pigs, one had rows of heads in jars, apparently the fruits of our labor, but there were more than a few that had the shades drawn. Maybe they were sleeping quarters, I didn’t know.

Barnes stopped at another door. This one wasn’t locked like the others and it swung open when he pushed it. He smiled.

“Go ahead.
This
is what I offer to sweeten the deal for you, Sarah.”

I wrinkled my brow as I passed into the darkened room. It was still and quiet, but then I noticed something. A steady sound I didn’t recognize. At least, not at first.

Plink, plink, plink
…

“Wait,” I breathed as my mind adjusted to what it was processing. “Is that… is that…”

Behind me, Barnes…
Kevin
… flipped a light switch and the room was flooded with brightness. It was a bathroom. A clean, gloriously fresh bathroom. And the dripping was coming from a shower stall not three feet away from me.

I spun around and faced the two men at the door. My heart was racing and my mind spinning as I squealed, “Okay, we’ll do it! We’ll catch the zombies for you.”

W
e’re equal partners, Dave,” Dave said in the falsely high voice he always used to mimic me as he drove the van down the long, lonely highway. “We’re in this together, Dave.”

I blinked and tried to focus on his voice. It was hard to overcome the gloriousness of the fact that I was clean.
Really
clean. I smelled like soap and some kind of coconut shampoo and I kind of wanted to lick myself.

“Oh, come on,” I said, dreamy as I pictured how the black sooty water had rinsed from my body and swirled around and around into the drain like it could wash away my sins and experiences over the past few months. “You
know
we were going to say yes to him in the end.”

Dave glanced at me and muttered, “Well, maybe. Still, you can’t just put us on the hook for something without talking it over with me first. We’re supposed to be a team.”

I gave him a little look. He didn’t look mad, but
definitely a bit put out. Slowly, I edged a little closer to him and leaned over the gear shift between us.

“C’mon babe, admit that you like being all clean again.”

“Hmph,” was the response.

I moved closer and nuzzled his smooth neck. “
And
shaved.”

“Hmmm,” he said this time, though he sounded far less irritated than a moment before.

“And you
like
that I smell good.”

Dave shrugged before he leaned down and pressed his freshly clean mouth to my sparkling mint one briefly.

“Fine,” he said as he put his attention back on the road. “I admit it’s a good trade. That
and
the weapons.”

I glanced back. Yeah, we’d come out pretty well in our agreement with Barnes…
Kevin
. He’d handed over a stash of weaponry worthy of the most bad-ass zombie movie. We’d even gotten one of those handheld multi-shot cannons I’d coveted. I have to admit, I creamed my shorts a little every time I looked at it all awesome and deadly and stuff in the back of the van.

“We better find a place to hole up,” Dave said, veering off the highway at an exit that said Moon Valley Country Club.

“True. We couldn’t exactly go to the camps so clean and fresh, it would raise eyebrows,” I said with a broad grin as he started scanning up and down the street for the perfect mansion for us to take over.

Like the whole car thing, the housing situation was another of the few fun elements to the apocalypse. Before the outbreak we lived in a shithole of a one-bedroom apartment.

Since then? Well, we’d lived it up in the ritziest resorts, fanciest suites, and the mansions of the ultra-rich and famous. I don’t like to drop names but Paul McCartney has a ranch two and a half hours south of Phoenix. Just saying.

“You’re right about not being able to go to camp like this,” Dave said. “And I want to be able to talk freely about our plans anyway. If we’re going to catch zombies, that’s a whole other thing from blasting their brains out. I don’t even have the first clue how to do it without getting killed….”