Following Your Heart (9 page)

Instead Teresa held up her hand, her face set hard.

“I will submit to whatever has been decided,” she said. “But can Samuel go to the church services?”

Menno looked at
Mamm
and shrugged. “Deacon Ray didn't say…” He slowly nodded. “I suppose the child can go.”

“Then that's good enough for me,” Teresa said, tears now springing to her eyes.

Susan wrapped an arm around her shoulder as Teresa choked out a sob.

“At least my son will grow up to be an Amish man of God,” she said. “What happens with me doesn't matter.”

“See, she already speaks as one of our people,”
Mamm
said, looking over at Menno. “Yet she isn't. Does that not count for something?”

Menno kept his head low, his eyes looking to the hardwood floor.

T
hey all knelt around the living room for Sunday morning prayers. Menno's voice led out. “And now, our great Father in heaven, Master of the universe and full of glory, look upon Your humble children and grant us Your grace. Without You, oh mighty God, we are but dust that the wind blows away and like the grass that tomorrow is no more. Help us, oh God, and leave us not without Your Spirit.

“Give us now, if it pleases You, a day gifted with Your presence and food for our souls that we might be nourished and strengthened for our journey through this earth. Let us never forget that we are but pilgrims and strangers with no abiding presence on this lowly soil. We ask this all in Your most holy name. Amen.”

Susan waited until her
daett
had risen to his feet before she pulled herself up and onto the couch. Beside her, Teresa followed every move. Tears stung Susan's eyes at the pain in Teresa's face. Even though she clasped them in front of her, Teresa's hands were trembling.

“It's time to leave, Menno,”
Mamm
said, not looking at either of the girls, “or we're going to be late.”

“I'll get Toby ready,” he replied, turning to go.

Teresa now had tears running down her cheeks, and she made no attempt to wipe them away.

Susan hugged her friend.

Samuel looked up from
Mamm
's lap.
Mamm
set him on the couch and disappeared into the kitchen.

“Oh, the little darling,” Susan whispered through her own tears. “He has no idea what's going on.”

“Thank God he doesn't,” Teresa said, getting to her feet. “Is there anything I can do before you leave? I want Samuel to look exactly like he's supposed to for his first Sunday in church.”

“He looks fine,” Susan said, wiping her eyes. “And we can start sewing for him in a few months, but for now our old baby clothes
Mamm
kept around will do.”

“My boy in a dress,” Teresa said. “I never would have thought it, but I want to do what the others do because that's the only way Samuel will ever have a chance.”

“Samuel has nothing to be ashamed of,”
Mamm
said, bustling out of the kitchen with the baby satchel in her hand. “I have the bottles ready. They are still hot, but they should be cooled down enough to use by the time Samuel's hungry. You fed him before breakfast, didn't you, Teresa?”

Teresa nodded.

“Here, I'll take him.” Susan reached for the squirming bundle.

“Take good care of him. I'll be praying all day,” Teresa said.

Susan could barely look into Teresa's eyes. What was wrong with her people that they made such awful rules against a helpless young woman? Teresa was tenderhearted, but then Susan knew her and the others didn't. It was that simple.

“I'm so sorry about this,” Susan whispered.

Teresa shook her head and followed them to the front door.

“This can't be helped,”
Mamm
said over her shoulder. “Now come, we have to go.”

Susan caught sight of her
daett
bringing Toby out of the barn as they walked across the front porch. He looked old and weary, and this morning perhaps even more than that. Likely they all looked worn out with the night they had been through. Teresa must have cried herself to sleep across the hall, the muffled sobs still audible when Susan awoke near midnight. For long moments she had stood in front of the bedroom door before returning to her own room. Sometimes sorrow needed to be cried out alone. If Samuel had been crying she would have gone on in, but he seemed the only undisturbed one. Now she held Samuel close to her chest. He gasped for breath when the blanket over his face shifted sideways and the wind blew over his face. Susan pushed the blanket back, holding it down with her hand.

“This is how life is,”
Mamm
said, pausing to help Susan up the buggy steps. “We all love Teresa, but she needs to get used to how we live. There really is no other way.”

Susan said nothing, wondering how
Mamm
could be so cold. Yet when she looked up,
Mamm
's eyes were also brimming with tears.

“I know. It's difficult for all of us.”
Mamm
reached over to squeeze Susan's shoulder. “Now we really can't be late or this day will be even harder than it already is.”

Settling into the seat, Susan pulled the buggy door shut and pushed the blanket back from Samuel's face. His eyes stared into space, his hands still under the blanket.

“
Da Hah
will see us through this,”
Daett
said from the front seat as he slapped the reins gently against Toby's back and the buggy jerked forward.

Susan looked out of the small side window. Teresa was waving to them from the front porch, her hair worked loose from her
kapp
, the thin strands flying around her face. Susan waved back but
Mamm
stared straight ahead as they rattled out of the driveway.

They turned north, the bouncing of the buggy settling into a steady rhythm. Susan watched Samuel's face. A half smile played on his face. Perhaps Teresa was right, and her son would make a perfect little Amish boy. But even if that happened, Samuel would grow up and know he was different. He always would be simply because his mother wasn't Amish. The other children would know, and they would say the things that children say. And
Mamm
and
Daett
couldn't keep Teresa around forever. They were getting older themselves by the day. Susan shivered, drawing the buggy blanket up over her knees. Samuel looked at her as she pressed back the tears.

In front of her
Mamm
turned around. “Now, is the baby sitting with you or me?”

“I hadn't thought of that yet,” Susan said.

“Nor had I with all the mess going on since last night,”
Mamm
said. “Oh, why can't some people just be sensible for once? There would have been nothing wrong with Teresa coming with us this morning.”

“We must not question the ways of our ministers,”
Daett
said, his voice rumbling in the closed buggy. “Sometimes God speaks through their hearts as well as ours.”

“Then how can there be such different things spoken?”
Mamm
shot back.

“
Da Hah
has His way of bringing them together,”
Daett
said. “We must wait until
Da Hah
shows the way.”

“Then I hope He hurries,”
Mamm
said. “I can't take much more of this in my old age.”

“If Susan hadn't gone rushing off to the
Englisha
world with her troubles,”
Daett
said, “we wouldn't be going through this.”

“Don't say that,”
Mamm
told him. “She's sitting in the backseat.”

“I haven't forgotten that,”
Daett
said. “But it's something that needs to be said.”

“It was because of Teresa I did come home,” Susan said. “I wasn't going to tell you that, but I think I should. You owe my presence here to Teresa.”

“Your heart would have brought you home in its own good time,”
Daett
said. “It does for all of us. We can never be other than what we are meant to be. But I do wish you had settled this matter about leaving again before you returned.”

“You shouldn't say that,”
Mamm
spoke up. “Susan is home now, and that's
gut
enough for me.”

“I'm afraid he's right,” Susan said, a catch in her voice. It was true, and it might as well be said. Perhaps this was not the best morning to be saying such things, but broken hearts seem to spill things out easier than whole ones.

“Then there's the matter between you and Thomas, which is far from settled,”
Daett
continued, still not done with his lecture.

“It's settled as far as I am concerned,” Susan responded. “I want nothing to do with Thomas.”

“I am sorry to hear that,”
Daett
said. “I was hoping you would get things worked out. I am not that young anymore, and I really do need help on the farm.
Mamm
and I should have started building a
dawdy haus
this fall already.”

“So you want me marrying someone I don't love?” Susan asked.

“
Ach
, you love Thomas well enough,”
Mamm
interrupted before
Daett
could answer. “It's just your broken heart needs time to mend. You are getting things mightily confused, Susan. That's what I say.”

“Thomas fell in love with Eunice, with my best friend,” Susan said. “Tell me why I should trust him again.”

Mamm
didn't answer, and Susan looked down to see Samuel staring up at her with wide-open eyes. She had to keep her voice down or the baby would start bawling. That was all they needed when they pulled into Deacon Ray's front yard. How ironic that church was at his place today. Well, it served him right. He had kept Teresa away, and so they show up with her baby. Let him chew on that grass blade for a while.

“Sometimes we have to make the choice that is the right one,”
Daett
was saying. “Even when our hearts are hurting and wanting something else. I don't know what all you learned out there in the
Englisha
world, Susan, but it couldn't all be
gut
. I advise you to forget anything you were told and submit to the ways of our people.”

“And take Thomas back just like that?” she asked. “Even when he's got his heart set on Eunice?”

“You're wrong on that point, Susan,”
Mamm
said. “The boy looks about as loyal as they come.”

“You say that because you want to see me married off!” Susan shot back. “That's why you can't see what's in front of your own eyes. He was kissing Eunice! The boy is not fit for me.”

“We should not think too highly of ourselves,”
Daett
scolded. “I'm afraid for the thoughts that sometimes come out of your mouth, Susan. They speak of pride and self-exaltation. Thomas would make a
gut
husband for you.”

“I'm not changing my mind,” Susan said. “And as for leaving again, I'll have to see what happens. The way people are treating Teresa isn't helping much. Everyone ought to be ashamed of themselves.”

Mamm
turned around in her seat. “Look, Susan,” she said, “you have to hold that tongue of yours. I know how much you like your friend, and I know some of what you went through to bring her here. My heart goes out to you and to Teresa. But that is not what everyone else is seeing. They are seeing only Samuel and wondering about a young woman who shows up with a baby but no husband. They're piecing together why she's alone.”

“
Yah
, and that's wrong of them,” Susan said. “At least in the
Englisha
world people give girls like Teresa a second chance. They don't judge her harshly.”

“
Ach
, so now comes your praise for the
Englisha
world,”
Daett
said. “I can only hope things will get clearer for you the longer you're back home.”