For Desire Alone (17 page)

Vivien was quiet and her silence forced Mariah to look at her. She saw pity in her friend. Pity she despised. Vivien nodded once.

Mariah nodded. “I realize you are utterly correct when I am able to consider your thoughts logically.”

“Logic is hard to come by in matters of the heart,” Vivien said, her voice so soft it barely carried. “I know.”

“Do you?” Mariah laughed, though she found no humor in the discussion. “You always seem so reasonable. I cannot imagine you’ve ever been so foolish as to be swept away.”

Vivien’s expression wavered for a brief moment and Mariah was certain she saw a flash of pain on her friend’s face. But then it was gone.

“I am pleased you hold such a high opinion of me,” Vivien said. “Since you do, may I offer to be your voice of wisdom?”

Mariah didn’t answer for a moment, mostly because she knew the “wisdom” Vivien was about to impart would likely tear her from John.

“I know you told me once you did not wish to be matched,” Vivien said, without waiting for Mariah to accept her offer of advice. “But I cannot help what my nature is. I have recently become aware of a gentleman who is looking for a new mistress. I believe he might be a good fit for you, both in temperament and in his ability and
willingness
to take care of you.”

Mariah squeezed her eyes shut to ward off the pain that suddenly mobbed her.

“But John—” she whispered.

Vivien leapt to her feet and crossed the room. She caught Mariah’s hands and held them tightly. “John told you to continue your search. And has given you
no
reason to stop.”

Mariah could not deny those facts, so she nodded.

Vivien’s voice gentled. “Please. Meet me at my home tonight.”

Mariah glanced over her shoulder. “And what about him?”

She motioned toward the guard and Vivien pursed her lips. “We will find a way to slip away from him. You will certainly be safe where I will take you, you don’t need John’s governess watching over you. He will only make you nervous and remind you of…of things better left forgotten.”

Mariah sighed. There was a reason she could think of no argument to this plan—there was none. Vivien was right on every count, and her own hesitation came from foolish flutters of her heart, not solid reasons for refusal.

She pushed everything else away and nodded. “Yes. I will go with you. It is the best thing for me.”

Vivien wrapped an arm around her and led her back to the chairs to finish their tea. “My dear, I know this sort of thing feels like bad medicine right now in the heat of this moment, but once it is over and resolved, I think you will be happy you took my advice.”

Mariah nodded, but she felt anything but positive about her upcoming evening. Vivien was right. This was very bad medicine, indeed…but she would take her bitter pill and pray it would cure her of the continuing desire she felt for John. Before the desire broke her permanently.

John leaned over the ledger, paying close attention to the marks his brother was making on this copy. Adam had always been good with numbers and was proving to be an interesting addition to his business.

His brother took a long look at the line of figures before him, then set his quill aside.

“You truly are a self-made man,” he said in unguarded wonder that made John’s chest swell with pride. Pride that faded when his brother continued, “It makes me feel very weak indeed for ever relying on our father for my purse.”

John frowned as he took a seat across from his brother at his desk. “A sentiment I’m sure that bastard would love to hear.” He shook his head. “Don’t say it out loud or ever feel it and give him the satisfaction.”

His thoughts wandered to their father, so smug and assured in his ability to control, to win any war. He would almost admire that quality if Vaughn Rycroft didn’t use his confidence to crush and maim on a regular basis. Hatred swelled in him as their last conversation replayed in his mind.

His brother shifted. “Am I to assume he did come to you, then?”

John shook off his memories and his strong reactions to them and nodded. “Of course. We both knew he would, but I thank you for your warning regardless. I was, at least, somewhat prepared. Though he is far worse than I remembered. A great feat, I assure you.”

Adam ran a hand over his face, but there was no covering the pain his brother felt. “He does not improve with age, no,” he said quietly. “How could he threaten you, though? With me, it was money that gave him power. That is not the case here, obviously.”

John shoved to his feet. “He tried money, of course, but quickly recognize that tactic would get him nowhere. So he turned to more personal warfare. He threatened those I care about. You and…” He trailed off. “…and others.”

Adam tilted his head and there was no denying the curiosity on his face. “Others?”

John waved him off. There was no way he was going to say Mariah’s name out loud and admit to his brother, himself or anyone else that he cared for her.

“It is unimportant.”

But that was hardly the case. Thoughts of Mariah had recently clouded his mind more and more. Both in worries of what his father might do to trouble her…and of more pleasant thoughts of the bond that was steadily growing between them, despite his every attempt to bring it to an end.

Adam shrugged. “I can take care of myself, so if his threats against me are of worry to you, please don’t trouble yourself.” He hesitated. “But, brother, do not underestimate our father. He can be…ruthless.”

John barked out an empty laugh. “He always was.”

Adam shifted. “Yes, but more so now. He will not stop until he has what he wants.”

John wrinkled his brow and focused more firmly on his brother. There seemed to be some subtext to his words that John did not fully comprehend. Adam was far too worried for a normal response to their father’s intrusion.

“Adam, what is it that you fear?” he asked softly.

His brother returned his gaze to the ledger before him and shrugged. “I could not say, exactly. But I certainly hope you will not allow yourself, or these others you refuse to reveal, to fall prey to him.”

John clenched his fists. There
was
more to his brother’s response than Adam was saying and he wished to pry out the details. But their reunion was still so fresh that he feared pushing would only drive his brother away.

He had a guard on Mariah now, and never had he been so firmly certain of a decision. She would be safe. He would settle for nothing less.

“There will be no prey for our father to find, Adam,” he said as he settled into his seat. “I will be sure of that.”

Chapter Fourteen

Vivien held Mariah’s hand as they slipped out the servants’ entrance of her estate. It was dark behind the house, but a footman holding a small lantern led the way down a path into an alleyway where a carriage was parked. Mariah smiled. Vivien’s regular vehicle was only the best and highly recognizable with its bright red trim.

This carriage was not. It was small, a bit run-down and would blend in perfectly with a thousand others rumbling around on the streets this night.

“Where did you find this thing?” she asked.

Vivien did not reply as the footman helped them up into the rig and shut the squeaky door behind them. Inside, the carriage was perfectly serviceable, though nothing fancy.

“This was a vehicle I was provided many years ago by my first protector,” she finally explained. “I kept it even when I had newer models, both as a reminder of where I began and a conveyance for my servants if they needed to go somewhere. I would hate to have them being forced to use hacks, which are very expensive.”

The vehicle jolted into motion and as Mariah reached out to steady herself on the wall of the carriage, she smiled at her friend. “You really are the kindest of mistresses to your servants, aren’t you?”

Vivien shrugged. “I try to treat anyone in my employ with care. After all, they not only see things that could be very incriminating, but they are also hardly beneath me. I am, after all, a servant in my own way. Or I have been in the past.”

“Now you are a self-made woman,” Mariah laughed, “who all other courtesans and mistresses wish to imitate.”

To her surprise, Vivien did not answer that compliment, but turned to look out the window. In the dim light from the street lamps outside, she saw her friend’s face lift in a smile.

“We are about to pass your guard. Let us see if we have fooled him.”

Mariah leaned forward to peer out of the window Vivien indicated. Sure enough, they were approaching the man on horseback. As their carriage rolled past, she shrank back against the seat, even as she stared. The man shifted on his horse slightly, but there was no other reaction. And as she leaned to see his figure disappear behind them, he made no motion to make chase.

She flopped back against the carriage seat with a sigh of relief, although there was more anxiety twisting her stomach in knots than pleasure.

“John will be furious when he finds out what we’ve done,” she said softly.

Vivien turned away from the window and there was a look of concern on her friend’s face as she stared. “That may be true,
if
he finds out.”

“You don’t think he will?”

Vivien shrugged. “We will be back at a reasonable hour, I’m sure. There would be no reason for him to think anything other than that you and I shared a long supper. Unless you tell him otherwise.”

Mariah shifted. Her friend was right, of course. And she had no intention of telling John that she had snuck away to meet with a potential protector, not unless that new relationship worked in her favor. But the idea of withholding the truth, perhaps even lying outright to him, did not sit well.

Vivien sighed. “My dear, it is best if you don’t think of John tonight.”

Mariah returned her attention to the sights out the window. Vivien was right, of course, but if one thing had become clear in her life over the past few days, if was that it was impossible for her not to think of John. He was a constant figure in her mind, in her dreams. She woke with his name on her lips and went to sleep with his face in her mind.

And all this had led her to one terrifying conclusion, one fact that had peeked into her mind thanks to her earlier conversation with Vivien and taken root there, until now it was an undeniable force. One she had denied in the afternoon, but could no longer do so.

“I…I am in love with him,” she whispered.

She sucked in a breath. Now that it had been said out loud, she realized how true that statement was. She loved John Rycroft. Worse, she had loved him for some time. Oh, she had said they were friends, she had told herself that the bond that seemed to have existed between them from the moment they met was only affection caused by their mutual feelings for Owen.

But it wasn’t true. There had been something more between them from the start.

Vivien had remained silent as all these tangled thoughts raced through Mariah’s mind, but now she whispered, “I know that, my dear. I know you love him.”

Mariah sighed. Of course she did. Vivien knew everything. And what she must think of her now!

“You know,” she said, hoping to find a way to explain herself. “I have thought a great deal about Owen since his death last month. I believed that I was in love with
him
. And I did care for him. Deeply. But this is…different.”

To her surprise, Vivien leaned forward and seemed truly eager to hear more. “How?”

Mariah pursed her lips as she thought of the question. She had never allowed herself to analyze the differences before, only let them flit through her mind before squashing them and calling them unkind.

“With Owen, I spent a great deal of time trying to love him despite himself. Because he could be very…selfish, I had to forgive his faults, ignore his weaknesses and so very often remain silent on my opinions that might be so bold as to differ from his own. He required that of me, as a mistress.”

“I admit, I did see those very things when I looked at the two of you together,” Vivien said.

Mariah jerked her gaze to her friend. “You did? Why did you never say anything?”

Vivien smiled sadly. “You are unlike me in many ways. You have been a man’s lover for years, but you still retain some innocence about you. You needed to believe you loved him in order to continue forward on your path. And while you two were together, what good would it have done to correct you? To ask you to face Owen’s imperfections? It only would have hurt you.”

Mariah shook her head. “I suppose that may be right. But I still would have appreciated your opinion. I respect it a great deal.”

Vivien reached across the carriage and squeezed her hand. “Then I will give it to you now. I
do
think what you share with John is very different. You two have a strong connection, one that comes from both sides. You are a good match and that is abundantly clear whenever you are in a room together.”

“Yes.” Mariah cleared her throat past a sudden lump there. “But that difference can give me no more joy than my forced affections toward Owen did. John has made it abundantly clear that he cannot be with me. Or more specifically, he doesn’t
want
to be with me.”