For Love of the Earl (28 page)

"Nathan was born exactly three years before me, almost to the day.
 
No one has ever told me what happened to his mother, but I can only imagine she either died shortly after giving birth to him or she simply did not want him.
 
Whatever the circumstances, our father did want him, and he did everything he could to make sure Nathan was legally his.
 
And then Nathan came to live with him, and he realized he was completely not prepared for a child.
 
But he loved Nathan.
 
I remember him telling Jane about Nathan as a baby, the sounds he would make in his sleep and the stories he would tell when he was just learning to speak."
 

Their hands had become entwined between them, and Sarah squeezed his hand now.
 

"You must have listened at your father's door a lot after you thought you killed Nathan."
 

Alec smiled.
 

"I did.
 
It's very traumatic thinking you killed your brother.
 
I needed all of the comfort I could get."
 

Sarah raised her head enough to kiss her husband softly on the lips.
 

"Please continue," she said.

"And that was when our father realized he needed to beget a legal heir.
 
Having Nathan in his keep made something in him snap, and any desire he had had in being a rogue and whatever other terms were in vogue in those days for calling a man a rake simply vanished.
 
He was ready to assume his responsibility to the title.
 
So he wed my mother.
 
Nathan has told me that it was not a love match, but a match of sincere respect.
 
He had heard stories from his nanny of what the two of them had been like during the courtship as whomever the Duke of Lofton chose to wed, she would need to accept Nathan as a part of their lives.
 
And my mother did."
 

"What was her name?" Sarah interrupted, needing to know just then the name of this woman who had left such a mark on her son.

"Emily," Alec said, his eyes going distant as the name left his lips.
 
"Her name was Emily."
 

Sarah tightened her grip on his hand.
 

"Go on," she said softly.

"They were wed, and I was born a short year later, four days after Nathan's third birthday.
 
And Emily died five days after Nathan's third birthday."
 

The last of his words came out as barely a whisper with such guttural agony held in them that Sarah was surprised he had managed the words at all.
 
She reached up and laid a hand along his cheek.
 

"And that is the first real thing that I can remember," he said, "I remember killing my mother."
 

Sarah watched as tears came to Alec's eyes, as he slipped into his memories and away from her.

"Alec," she said rather harshly, but his eyes cleared almost instantly, "Stop being ridiculous."

He looked at her then, his eyes focused and a little surprised.
 
She smiled.
 

"I was just trying to get your attention," she said, "And now that I have it, you need to explain to me.
 
Why do you think you killed your mother?
 
Did someone tell you that you did?"
 

Alec shook his head against her hand.
 

"No one had to tell me.
 
I just knew.
 
I knew I had killed her, and there was nothing I could to make up for it."
 

"Why would you have to make up for it, Alec?"
 

She saw him swallow, heard the sound of it through the darkness of the room.

"I had to make up for it so my father would love me."
 

Sarah saw the tears come to his eyes again, and she held onto him, one hand squeezing his while the other worked its way into the hair at the nape of his neck, drawing him closer to her.

"What do you mean, Alec?
 
Your father does love you."
 

Alec nodded, even as the tears held in his eyes.

"I had to make him laugh," he said, and realization spread through Sarah in a cold shiver.

"Alec, did you make your father laugh so he would love you?"
 

The words brought forward the image of Alec as a little boy, struggling everyday to make his father laugh because of some misguided idea that by making him laugh, his father would love him and forgive him for killing his mother.
 

"Yes," he said then, and his eyes closed as the tears ran down his cheeks.
 

Sarah stared at her husband, the ever ridiculous and jovial Alec Black who now cried in her arms.
 

So Sarah slapped him.

Alec's eyes flew open, perfectly clear of tears, and his mouth hung slightly open.
 

"Did you just hit me?" he asked.
 

Sarah nodded.
 

"I did, and I'm sorry, but you're being ridiculous, and I am not very good with this discussion thing yet, so I got your attention the only way I know how, which is to cause you physical harm."
 

Alec only stared at her, so she sat up again, leaning on an elbow to make sure he understood how serious she was.
 

"Alec, you cannot in any sense of the matter be responsible for killing your mother.
 
You were a baby, and most likely, your mother did everything she could to make sure you lived.
 
Did you ever think of that?"
 

Alec blinked, and she knew he hadn't.
 

"Your mother probably tried desperately to make sure you were born, and you have spent your entire life trying to make people love you by making them laugh because you feel some sort of guilt at her death?"

She paused.

"Alec Black, you are a complete idiot."
 

She finished with an exasperated sigh and let her words sink in.
 
But Alec sat up much too quickly, drawing her with him.
 

"What are you saying?" he asked, holding onto her arm as he pulled her close to him.
 

Sarah shrugged under his grasp.
 

"You should talk to your father, Alec.
 
He's the one that you've been trying to make love you.
 
He would be the only one to tell you wether or not your efforts have been misguided."
 

Alec didn't say anything, so she plunged on.

"You had to talk to me, didn't you?
 
To find out where we misunderstood one another.
 
Why not speak with your father?"
 

Alec still did not speak, and Sarah pulled on the arm that held onto her.
 

"Alec?
 
What are you thinking?
 
I cannot read your mind."
 

"You think talking to my father about this is truly necessary?" he finally asked.
 

Sarah nodded.
 

"I loved you even without you making me laugh, so I think it is very important to speak with your father."
 

She laid a hand on his chest, felt the beat of his heart against her palm.
 

"There is a lot of guilt that you are carrying in here, Alec.
 
Guilt that may be unfounded.
 
Ask your father.
 
Find out the truth."
 

Alec did not say anything.
 
He simply gathered her into his arms and lay back against the pillows, her head falling to the space below his chin.
 
She settled in, feeling the pulse of his heart beneath her ear.
 

"I will speak with him in the morning," she heard her husband say somewhere above her head.

She nodded.

"Hold me until then, Alec.
 
Please."
 

"Always," he whispered, and she let sleep find her.

~

Dawn radiated its colors across the sky when Alec woke his wife with an ardent kiss, searing her lips with all of the desire he felt pent up inside him.
 
His hands were slow and deliberate, moving across her with an intent so natural and basic that his mind focused on everything else.
 
It focused on the taste of her lips, the sounds she made in her throat when he touched her just there, and the feel of her leg as it came to wrap around his.
 

He helped her from her nightgown, tossing the garment to the floor, as his hands savored the feel of her bare skin.
 
He took a moment to just feel her, feel her supple and lush body move against his, length to length.
 
The brush of her breasts along his chest, the sweep of her hands up his back, the pulse of her heartbeat against his lips as he nipped kisses down her throat.
     

For four years he had waited for this very moment.
 
The moment when he could savor his wife, every last inch of her.

This was not about the carnal act itself.
 
This was a learning thing, a desiring thing.
 
It was something with weight and dimension that he could not begin to know or understand but that he looked forward to studying every day for the rest of his life and still not know the answers.
 
This was Sarah, and she finally let him in, into her and into them.
 
This was what they were as husband and wife.
 
And although some priest had long ago spoken words that would unite them forever, it wasn't until this moment that Alec could attest to the fact that those words were spoken in truth.
 
That now Sarah truly was his wife and he, her husband.
 
Only now did they understand each other enough to become one.

His fingers skimmed the sensitive pocket at the back of her knees as his mouth captured her moan of pleasure, the vocalization of what his touch did to her.
 
The sound of it drove him forward faster, made him dare to explore further.
 
He traced the line of her thigh as it moved into the sensual curve of her hip.
 

He slipped a leg between hers and let his thigh come to rest at her apex, felt the heat that resonated there.
 
She whimpered then, and he opened his eyes to watch her, to see the pleasure as if it were a physical thing that could be observed.
 
She was stunning in her ecstasy.
 
Her thick golden hair spread across the linen of the pillow, framing her delicate face.
 
Her cheeks were flush with desire.
 
The desire he had put there, and he leaned down to kiss her, to drive her closer to the edge.
 

He felt it when her hips began to move, when she began to rub herself against him.
 
He broke the kiss to look down to the place where their bodies met, where her hips moved against him, grinding into his thigh.
 
The sight of it sent a surge of lust through him so intense it took his breath away.
 
He captured her mouth once more, pushing his tongue inside to taste her, to take all of her senses.
 
He wanted her to know it was him, that it was Alec that made her feel this way.

But it wasn't enough.
 
He had to know her completely.
 
He had to make her feel all of him.
 
Completely.

"Sarah," he coaxed her, watching her eyelids flutter open, her gaze settling on his.
 
"I need you to tell me if I do something that you don't like or that frightens you," he said and watched her eyes grow into dark pools of desire.
 

"I just want you, Alec," she whispered, and he came to her.
 

His mouth closed on hers as his hands settled around her hips.
 
He broke the kiss even as he flipped her over.
 
She made a soft noise of surprise as she came to rest on her stomach.
 
Alec knelt, taking in the beauty in the slant of her back.
 
With a single fingertip, he traced the curve of it from the nape of her neck to the sensitive spot at the very verge of her buttocks.
 
He heard her sharp intake of breath as his finger left her skin.
 
He leaned down, licking gently where his finger had been.
 
He felt her twitch, heard her attempt to cover the whimper his touch drew from her.
 
She squirmed beneath him, and he grasped her hips, holding her still.
 
And then he ran his tongue up the length of her spine.
 
She pulled against him, and he knew the torture he caused her by holding her still.
 
But feeling her vibrate beneath, hearing her aborted whimpers sent spikes of undulating desire through him.
 

His erection was hard, throbbing, and as he moved up the length of her, it came to rest in the nestle of her buttocks.
 
He rubbed it against her, and this time she did not try to stop the moan that erupted in her throat.
 

"Alec, please," she whispered, but he only kissed the nape of her neck, coiling her long golden hair in his hand as he moved it out of his way.
 

He suckled and nibbled, and she bucked underneath him.
 
The movement had her rubbing against him, and now he was the one who moaned.
 
The sensation shocked him, having never felt something so powerful, so demanding, so right.
 
He settled between her legs, prodding ever so slightly at her apex.
 
She made a noise, and before he knew what she was about, she came up on her knees.