For Love or Money (11 page)

In
the light of the hall I am stunned that I am such a presumptuous ass.

What
the hell was that?

My
phone vibrates again, reminding me I have some more hearts to break before the
night is over, even though all I want to do is run back into that room.

I
force myself to leave.

When
I get to Marlene’s brownstone, she is alone and waiting for me in the kitchen,
hovering over a bucket of ice cream with a spoon—a bucket. Shit.

“You
rang?”

She
glances up, looking rough. “We need to end our little arrangement, James.”

I
nod. “I was about to say the same thing.”

Her
gaze narrows in disbelief. “Did my husband talk to you?”

My
guts start to burn. “No. Does he know?”

She
sighs. “Oh, thank God. You scared me. No. But he’s leaving for his own
twenty-five-year-old piece of ass. So I need to keep my nose clean for the next
few months while we are in negotiations. We have a dual prenup and my family
always had more money than his.”

I
back away a little bit. “Well, I’m leaving for LA in a couple weeks when
school’s out, so it should all be on the up and up.”

“Does
anyone know? Have you told anyone?”

I
almost tell her about Lana but I can’t. She already looks psycho enough without
adding to it that the girl every mother hates knows her business. She paid me
for my discretion. “No. Just you, Dana, and Elise.”

She
nods, taking a huge bite. She doesn’t say another thing, just waves at me. I
turn and leave through the back door, slipping into the alley and hurrying away
from the building. It’ll look like I was there for two minutes to see Andy, not
his mom. If anyone is watching the house, waiting on her to slip up, they'll
know he spends a couple nights here and I could be coming to see him.

On
my way home, I send a quick text to Elise and Dana, ending things. I haven’t
felt this free in ages, and it’s all thanks to being blackmailed by a spoilt
little brat who turned out to be the opposite of everything I thought.

What
an odd turn of events.

I’m
enough

Lane

Holding
the phone to my ear I try to focus on the conversation I’m about to have, and
not the kiss of the century. What the hell was that?

If
I didn’t know better I would think he was my stalking foot pervert. He just
knows too much. How did he say all the right things and break my heart? I don't
even know him.

It’s
suspicious.

“Hello,
my dear. How are you?” Henry answers discreetly.

I
sigh. “Good, I guess. I just needed to ask you something. When you told me to
see if that James guy could help me, did you know my dad gave him my old
violin?”

He’s
silent. “So you’ve learned that already? You’re faster than I thought you were.
How on earth did you get him to agree to help you?”

I
shake my head. “How do you know he’s helping me?”

“Just
a guess. Now humor an old man and tell me how.”

I
roll my eyes. “You’re fifty, that’s not exactly ancient.” I pause, almost not
telling him but I haven’t gotten to mess with anyone in days so I do it. “I’m
blackmailing him for a prior sin.” He groans, making me smile and declare with
a joyous laugh, “Chill your jets. He’s on board and we have a band. I’m ready
for this contest.”

I
can hear a smile in his voice. “Wonderful. Your father is going to—how do
you kids say it—shit a gold brick when he sees you have James Holland.”

He
makes me chuckle. “We never say shit a gold brick. So you think dad’s going to
be happy?”

“I
do. Not about the unsavory way you went about it, but each to their own.”

“Well,
don’t tell him, duhhhh.” The answer proves I’m still me, even with the mighty
James trying to make me human again.

“Well,
let me know if I can be of any assistance.”

I
bite my lip and close my eyes. I don’t want to ask but I have to know. “Why did
dad carry around my violin?”

He’s
silent for a moment. “He loves you so much, Lana. He just always believed you
would be able to beat that side of yourself that told you you weren’t good
enough. Because you are. You’ve always been good enough, better than good
enough. You’ve always had star potential, but you let your fears of failure get
in the way. I don’t think it was healthy, always seeing all those other people
performing. It gave you anxiety about your own performance. You were a little
kid, comparing yourself to adults who had been doing it for years. And you were
so broken up about the loss of your mother. You and your father.”

I
scoff. “He had an odd way of showing how upset he was. Marrying three women in
five years is what I call excessive.”

“He
was dead inside and he wanted to feel again. Trust me, I was there.”

There
are so many pieces to the puzzle I am missing. How do I not know myself or my
dad at all? I tap the phone, thinking. “I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Just tell me why he gave the violin to James?”

“I
think he just saw another kid wasting what God gave him. Your dad has always
been about natural talent. He’s never had any fun making a star out of just
anyone. He prides himself on taking that diamond in the rough and making a star
out of raw talent. James and you are both that. A raw talent that is just
waiting to be scooped up and made into something. I think your dad has beat
himself up for pushing you so hard. I think he thinks you rebelled because of
it. I think he hoped James might ignite something in you again, that same love
of music.”

It
makes sense but I don’t think that’s why. I shake my head. “I think I just was
a kid, I think I still am. I wish he didn’t feel so bad about that.”

Henry
chuckles. “Oh my. Young Mr. Holland seems to be having a bit of an impact on
you.”

My
cheeks flare up. “No! It’s just been one hell of a month, that’s all.”

“Yes,
speaking of which, we were all excited to see you cleared in the case of the
young man and the drugs.”

It
hurts to talk about it with him, like I was a different person making different
choices. I want to say that was then and this is now, but it’s been two weeks
and no one will believe that I’ve seen the light that fast, not even Henry. “I
sort of thought Dad would call.”

He’s
silent. I’m sure he doesn’t want to give excuses for my dad’s absence so he
stays silent. I shake my head. “I better go. I just wanted to know why a guy at
school brought me my old violin.”

Henry
says something but I’ve hung up the phone. I’m done with crying and being that
weak, pathetic girl. I’m done with being psychoanalyzed and having my head
shrunk. I’m done with pills and drugs and pushing everything out of my heart.
That’s not the life I wanted to have and not the person I wanted to be.

Maybe
it was a long time ago, but I am that girl still, I just have to remember how
to be her. The girl my mom saw when she put the stars on the case.

A
knock at the door interrupts my weak attempts at reorganizing my brain. “Lana!”
Leo shouts through the door.

My
spine tingles. No matter how much I want the old me to go away, she can’t. Her
breadcrumbs are still scattered throughout my life. I wince and walk to the
door, holding my hand against the old wood. “What?”

“I
need to talk to you.”

I
know he wants those pictures. I don’t even have them. “No. We don’t have
anything to say to each other.”

He
sighs, the door muffles it, but I can still hear it. “I want to apologize.”

“Why?
So those pictures are no longer an issue for you?” I guess a leopard never
really changes its spots.

He
thumps on the door. “No! Dammit, I just want to say I’m sorry and sincerely try
to make up for it all. I didn’t have any choice. You know I didn’t. Nance’s dad
told me he would out me if I didn’t go along with it.”

I
sigh and slide the lock, opening the door. He looks rough, standing in the hall
hugging himself. I wrap my arms around him, assuming the worst has happened.
“He told them anyway, didn’t he?”

He
nods and I swear I feel a slight tremble from him as I pull him inside and
close the door. He shakes his head, fighting tears and sobs but they win over
when he speaks. “My dad told me he never wants to see me again and my mom wants
me to try to pray the gay away.”

I
snort. I can’t even hold it back. He laughs and wipes his eyes. He gives a
sorrowful look. “I truly am sorry for what I said. I always liked you, not
because of Nance. It just made it easier to fuck you over if you hated me.”

I
pull him to the bed. “I don’t even care.”

He
curls up on the bed and closes his eyes. “They’ve locked my trust fund behind a
clause. I have to marry and have kids and be straight for the whole world to
see, if I ever expect to see a dime from my family.”

I
lay back, looking up at the ceiling. “I know that feeling.”

He
looks back at me in disbelief. I shake my head. “Not the gay-straight battle,
just the family one.” I sigh. “Maybe we both need to start being more honest
with who and what we are.”

The
bed shakes with him. He’s crying so hard he can barely breathe. I wrap myself
around him like James did me and hold him. What a month.

There
are no words for that level of rejection. There is nothing to say that will
make him feel better so we just lay there until we are both asleep.

When
I wake, he’s passed out, completely. His phone is going nuts in his pocket. I
imagine it’s either a million tweets from the gay community celebrating the day
the mighty sexy Leonardo Gates came out of the closet, or it’s his family
members who disagree with his father’s decision.

It
stuns me that we still live in such a dark age for sex. I might not be
physically attracted nor able to have sex with a girl, but dammit if I wanted
to I would hate to see someone try to stop me.

Leo
is so beautiful, not inside but outside. Inside he’s still ninety percent mean-girl
whore. But in my state of permanently locked in a glass house, I’m not judging.

A
knock at my door pulls my eyes from my sleeping beauty.

Maybe
it’s Nance and the world can go back to partially normal.

I
open the door, sort of stunned and slightly uncomfortable to see James. He
looks up as the door cracks and I can’t read his eyes. I can’t guess what he’s
thinking to save my life.

He
passes me my old case with the ponies and stickers on it. I take it, almost
smiling until I see he looks behind me and narrows his gaze. “Just wanted to
see what time we were practicing?”

I
look back, smiling. The little wee bit of me that’s a good person screams for
me to tell him the boy passed out in my bed is not only gay but would easily
wrestle me for ten minutes for him—THE James Holland. But the evil side
wins and I clear my throat, scratching my head. “You could have texted. I told
everyone seven.”

He
nods, stepping back. He’s pissed. I can read that look from a mile. “Great. See
you then.” He makes a noise that I think is probably bad and walks off.

Something
wicked happens as I close the door—I smile.

He
likes me. Not just say the nicest shit ever and break my heart and kiss me in
the dark before running away, kind of like either. He really likes me.

Hmm.

“Did
you just let that poor boy see me and think something unholy?”

I
turn to see Leo grinning and nod.

“That’s
a mean thing to do.” He clears his throat and sits up, looking groggy. “Wait a
hot minute, was that James Holland—THE James Holland?”

I
press my back into the closed door and bite my lip. My face answers for me.

He
rolls his eyes, pointing at the door. “GO GET HIM, YOU CRAZY BITCH!”

I
glance at the time, seeing it’s six thirty and shake my head. “We have
rehearsals in half an hour. He’ll be there.”

“Rehearsals?
Jesus, out of desperation for friendship you joined the theatre group, didn’t
you?”

It
makes me snort on my way to the shower. “Come with me tonight and see.”

His
eyes glisten. “I’m not very good company tonight, Lana.”

Stopping
dead in my tracks I just say the thing I want to scream to the whole world.
“I’m terrified of performing in front of people. I don’t want to be an agent or
a music mogul. I don’t want a music label, at least not at this stage in my
life. I just want to find my music again.“

He
hesitates before asking, “You sing?”

“I
can but mostly I play a violin or fiddle.”

“No
way.”

His
doubt in me makes me smile. “I don’t think I can even play for you without
having a panic attack. But if you come, I will try to be the person I am, for
real, so you can see me for the first time.”

He
smiles wider. “Let me go shower. I’ll meet you in the hall.”

I
nod and he dashes off.

Every
nerve in my body is on fire. I have never just confessed to it before. And I
can’t help but wonder if it is James maybe, making me feel braver and stronger
because he’s accepted who I am, and makes me feel like I can too.