For Love or Money (22 page)

Oh
fuck.

She
told him that?

I
look down, losing the argument. How can I tell him I know what’s best for her?
How can I say I know her better than he does? He’s her loving father and doing
the thing he thinks and feels is best. My heart has nothing to do with the
equation, especially not when he thinks I’m a male prostitute.

“You
have to be able to detach and see that if that information ever came out, it
would ruin her even more than everything she’s done to herself has.

I
feel sick but I hold a hand out for him, honoring our new agreement.

Lana
finds us, leaning on me and smiling at her dad. “What are you two talking about
that’s so serious?”

His
eyes dart to mine as a cold smile crosses his lips. “Oh, just how we both agree
you and James are smarter for not starting anything up before the show is over.
You’re taking the summer to think things over and see what happens then.” He
slaps me on the arm. “James is a smart young man. He agrees that the show is
the focus, not you two. He knows how important this is to you and agree dating
you isn’t very smart.”

That’s
not what I said but he has sort summed it up.

Her
grip on me fades away until she isn’t touching me anymore. I can’t look at her.
She’s told me she loves me and my response is to act like we are nothing but
friends, even though I know that’s not true.

Everything
feels off.

He’s
made a decision for us I don’t think I want. I know I don’t. But I can’t
believe she’s betrayed me. She swore she would never tell anyone and she lied.

He
stares her down and I feel her leave me.

He
winks at me, joking like the whole serious problem we had was nothing but an
act to manipulate her. “I’ll call Henry, he’ll come and get her and take her
home. She’ll just need a day to see what’s best for her.” He drinks and eye’s a
blonde up. It all sends a shiver down my spine. He sees my face and shakes his
head. “Henry and Geoff are very good at making her see her own issues and
ensuring she’ll be fine.”

It
dawns on me then. He’s not the loving father I saw him as. I narrow my gaze.
“You gave me that violin because you wanted to delegate her out to another
person. You didn’t know me. I could have been some pervert who took it and used
it to take advantage of her. But you saw a possible way to fix your kid without
doing the work yourself. Henry and Geoff have raised her. You’ve spent your
years finding the next Ex-Mrs. Webber. Lana is the way she is because you’re a
shit parent. You’re a good talker—you had me fooled but not anymore. You
want what’s best for her, trust me when I tell you—it’s me. I love her.
I’m the first person to love her in a long time. You can take your bargain and
your fancy talk, and shove it up your ass.”

His
face is bright red but I turn and leave, I have to find her.

No
wonder she’s such a hot mess.

She
needs me, even if she told him about Marlene. She must have had a good reason.
I want to give her the chance to explain.

I
run through the crowd but she isn’t anywhere.

I
pull my phone out and text but the message doesn’t deliver.

I
know her. She’s going to make a rash decision.

She’s
going to do something she regrets.

Where’s
Bryce?

If
she thinks we’re done, she’ll look for something to scratch the itch. I know
that feeling, it’s exactly what I would do—find someone to get under me
so I could get over her. The idea of it makes me sick.

The
ironic part about her dad is that he assumes he knows me. He doesn’t know anything
about me.

I’m
as addicted to her as she is me.

That’s
the way love goes

Lana

My
heels click on the floors as I burst past the doors to the back alley. My
breath can’t come fast enough as I stagger out into the night air. It’s still
so warm, LA has the best weather. I miss the crispness of Boston but the
constant cold is depressing.

Not
as depressing as my dad talking James out of dating me.

I
can’t believe he would listen and not date me because of my dad? I almost wish
I didn’t love him but I can’t make myself. I don’t wish it and I don’t even
regret telling him, regardless of the stabbing pain in my chest and the
whispers from my brain that tell me his feelings were always shallow. But
somehow my heart is still convinced of the words he spoke about the world being
a place I couldn’t control.

No
amount of rejection will change the fact I love him. It will just hurt until it
doesn’t anymore and I’ll have to accept it as the cost. I felt amazing for
weeks, now it’ll probably hurt for months but I wouldn’t take it back even if I
could.

I loved.

Me.

Of
course it turned out exactly the way I assumed it always would. He doesn’t love
me back and I am a terrible judge of character.

My
insides are wound so tightly I can’t breathe properly, but I need to get away,
so I wander down the alley, not sure where I’m going. I pause, certain I hear
my name being called behind me.

“LANA!”
I turn to see Nick running after me. “What are you doing? Where are you going?”

I
shake my head. “Nothing. Just going for a walk.” I pull my phone out and turn
it on to send Henry a message, as one from James pops up.

It’s
three words.

‘Fuck
your dad!’

It
makes me smile as another three words pop up.

‘I
love you!’

Nick
catches up and scowls. “Come back inside, it’s creepy back here. I got my mojo
working on a girl from Bryce’s pussycats, but I saw you run out. Is it your
dad?.”

“Yeah,
but I don’t think he’s going to be a problem.” I smile at him. “I’ll come back
inside, but I just want to find James and leave. I don’t want to do the whole
party with my dad thing.”

He
nods. “Okay. Well, I don’t want to party with your dad either. I want to party
with Giselle, the girl in the back room with no underwear.”

I
grimace but still laugh in spite of the disgusted look on my face.

James
comes bursting from the back door, stopping me dead in my tracks. He looks like
he’s run a marathon and his eyes are wild—frantic.

“You
okay?” Nick nudges me.

I
nod, not taking my eyes from the haunted-looking ones on James’ face.

Nick
looks at us both. “See you guys inside.” We both ignore him. We have nothing to
say to him and too many things to say to each other.

“I
don’t want to wait the summer.” James blurts.

I
shake my head to answer him but he scowls and interrupts my thoughts. “But I
need to know if you told your dad about me and Marlene Saint Clare?”

My
jaw drops.

Oh God.

“My
dad just knows. I didn’t tell him.”

He
narrows his gaze. “Did you tell Ron?”

There
is a panic inside of me as I shake my head, realizing I did tell someone. I
told one person. The one person who was supposed to be my friend. She can’t be
the one though. It has to be that my dad has spies everywhere.

I
shake my head, terrified of what he will think if I tell him I told someone.

“Your
father knows on his own?” His eyes narrow.

There
isn’t even a hesitation, I lie. I tell myself I am lying because I love him and
I don’t want to hurt him, but it’s because I don’t want to lose him.

He
walks to me. “Can we just start the whole night over?”

My
stomach is burning from the lie, but when he touches my hand it fades away and
I feel like I’m drowning in the warmth of him. He wraps himself around me,
pulling me into his chest. “I’m sorry I told you that I love you by text, but I
was scared you would go off with Bryce or someone else.”

The
words take a minute to settle into my head. “What?” I pull back.

He
pauses, again starting to look frantic. “What?”

“What
was that supposed to mean? I tell you I love you, but I’m still such a desperate
whore that I’d run off with Bryce—to what end? To show you that you can’t
hurt me? I’ve given you my heart, James. You can hurt me—a lot.” My
insides are on fire. I whine a little, pressing my lips together in
frustration.

How the fuck is this my life?
“I know I don’t know much about love, but it’s
supposed to be more than a day of smiles and kisses and trust. The whole point
of loving someone is giving yourself to them. If they hurt you, it’s because
you let them in.” Tears stream down my cheeks as I shake my head, turning away
from him. “I fucking let you in!”

A
limo comes around the corner. It’s Henry.

“Lana,
I didn’t mean that. I mean, you know because you can be so—“

“FUCK
YOU, JAMES HOLLAND! I HAVEN’T EVER LOVED ANYTHING LIKE I DO YOU! IF THIS IS
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH THE HEART I GAVE YOU THEN IT’S YOUR LOSS BUT DON’T
PAINT ME THAT WAY!”

He
rushes to me, grabbing my arm. “I didn’t mean that.”

“Yes.
Yes, you did. You assume I’m going to act a certain because that’s how I always
act. But the difference is, this is the first time I’ve been in this situation.
Thank you for teaching me I NEVER WANT TO DO IT AGAIN!” I shake my head,
sniffling and losing the want to
rage on him. “I’m
used to being a broken
slut to everyone, but I thought you were different.” I tear my arm from his and
walk to the car, realizing I never sent my text to Henry, who is out of the car
and staring at us both. “How are you here?” I ask him.

He
pauses, his eyes flashing at James. I follow his gaze to James who throws his
arms up in the air. “Your dad. He said he was going to call Henry to come and
get you, like he always does, so he and Geoff can calm you down like they
always do. He uses these guys to manipulate the world around you and he used me
too. Jesus, Lana. I didn’t mean what I said. I was just scared and worried that
your dad had managed to convince me to throw away the first thing that’s gone
truly right in my life.”

Everyone
is still betraying me.

I
walk past him and Henry, heading for the end of the alley to hail a cab and go
back to my hotel. I look back at James. “I’ll try really hard not to slip up
and fall on some guy’s dick before the night’s over, but you know how I am. I
might not be able to help it.”

He
walks after me, following me. “Lana, wait up.”

“No,
screw you. Like I told you before, James. If I accidentally act the way you
assume I will, you can’t be pissed.” I storm out onto the road, holding my hand
out, but suddenly he’s there, holding it in his and spinning me around.

He
grabs my arms, looking pissed. “You ever think that it works both ways? You
can’t act one way for so long and not expect people to see you that way. You’re
addicted to sex and your dad thinks you’ll get addicted to performing, and
you’ll always just be searching for that next addiction.”

“That’s
what you think?” I step back. “No! I’m not addicted to sex. I won’t be like
that because I’m not hooked in the way you think. I used drugs and alcohol and
sex, and whatever else to push away the possibility I could ever love
something. It’s blended my years and taken away the monotony of not ever being
seen. When my mom and my music left me, I was alone and brokenhearted so I made
a vow I wouldn’t love things. Not the way I loved them. If I didn’t love like
that, then I wouldn’t get hurt.”

“That’s
addiction.” His stare darkens. “You can’t run from things to avoid pain. It’s a
natural part of life. Pain is living. You think when my dad died in the car
accident, I wasn’t broken? I was six when he died. He was my favorite person in
the world. We played soccer every day and he taught me how to play a guitar. I
know how it feels to lose someone you love. But that doesn’t have to be the end
of life.”

It
makes more sense why we’re so alike. “You aren’t any different from me, James.
You aren’t any better than me. You are just as mad as I am that your parent
died. You push people away the same way I do.” I stifle a laugh when I think
about it all. “You refused to take money from my dad, but you sold yourself to
the highest bidder to pay tuition. My dad would have made a deal with you.” I
know hot tears are spilling down my cheeks and I look like a psycho, but I
don’t even care. I point at him and shake my head. “You set yourself up to fail
as big as I do, and I see now what my dad was seeing. We are two pieces of
dynamite rubbing against each other, just waiting for the explosion.” I look
down hating that I lied to him, and if we’re going to break up then I might as
well get it off my chest. “I told my stepmom about your tuition situation.
That’s how my dad knows. I thought she was my friend. I didn’t know she’d tell.
I’m sorry for that but I’m not sorry I love you. I’m sorry you can’t love me
back enough to trust me.”

I
see cameras starting to come so I get into the first cab that stops for me. I
spend the next fifteen minutes sobbing into my hands and avoiding the constant
ringing of my cell phone.

Geoff
is sitting outside of my hotel room when I get there. He lifts his face,
smiling and looking exhausted. “Hey, kid.”

I
shake my head. “I don’t need a babysitter, Geoff. I’m an adult for the first
time in my life.”

He
stands, looking confused. “Why can’t I worry about you? You’re my family.”

I
open the door, not inviting him in. “I don’t have family. She died when I was a
kid and I’ve been on my own since.” I close the door, hating myself the minute
I realize what I’ve said. I open the door to his smiling face.

“You
are so mean when you’re being dramatic.” He strolls past me as if I never said
it. “You have to learn how to curb that.” He climbs onto the bed and gives me a
look. He’s fifteen years older than me and has been working for my dad since he
was very young. I was a small kid when he started. Our life has always been
his.

I
don’t even know how he does it.

I
climb on the bed but he sneers. “Go change first.”

I
roll my eyes and go into the bathroom to take a shower. Every second of it is a
battle to not think about the outcome of my night.

I
come back out in my fleece pajamas that I normally sleep in in Boston. He
wrinkles his forehead. “Wow, fleece. Who knew you wore sensible clothing to bed
or at all.” He slaps the bed. I climb in next to him, even though he’s on top
of the covers, and snuggle in to him. He hugs me and kisses my head. “Your
shampoo stinks.”

I
start to cry as the emotions hit.

“What?
Why are crying about shampoo?”

I
shake my head. “I really like him. I love him and he’s so wrong for me. He’s
only going to hurt me. This is why I don’t love people, Geoff.”

“You
mean apart from me and Henry and your father, of course.” He chuckles. “Lana,
you’ve always loved people, you just don’t ever give them the chance to love
you back. Your flaw is the receiving end, not the giving. You have to be open
to receiving love and you’ve always been closed off.”

I
look up at him. “It’s scary.”

He
nods. “There isn’t going to be an easy sort of love, unless it’s with a dog or
a cat, and even then they have such a short life span. Love is pain but it’s
pleasure and trust and intimacy. You won’t ever have any of those things if you
don’t let someone love you.”

I
lie there, contemplating what he’s said. He doesn’t say anything else, he just
holds me and lets me sleep. He’s always been the big brother I never had.

I
wake in the morning to him passed out on my bed, still dressed and on top of
the covers. He is handsome. It’s sad he hasn’t ever gotten married or had kids
or any type of life. He’s spent every minute babysitting me and hanging out
with my dad.

My
dad.

I
sigh and get up, getting dressed and made up for the first day of the show. I
leave Geoff sleeping like he might never wake up and go for breakfast. I get to
the elevator and decide I need to talk to Leo.

I
head for his room, not thinking about the proximity to James’ when a door opens
and he comes strolling out. He freezes when he sees me.

My
heart is in my throat but we have to perform together so faking friendship has
to become something we just do. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to worry
about being in love with him and him not really loving me back, or just not the
right way. Not enough to trust that I won’t fuck random dudes to piss him off.

God. Why does everyone think I’m the
worst person on the planet?