For Tamara

Also by Sarah Lang

The Work of Days

Copyright © 2014 Sarah Lang

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This edition published in 2014 by
House of Anansi Press Inc.
110 Spadina
Avenue, Suite 801
Toronto,
ON
,
M
5
V
2
K
4
Tel. 416-363-4343
Fax 416-363-1017
www.houseofanansi.com

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Lang, Sarah, 1980–, author For Tamara / Sarah Lang.

Issued in print and electronic formats.

ISBN 978-1-77089-809-7 (bound).—ISBN 978-1-77089-367-2 (pbk.).—

ISBN 978-1-77089-900-1 (epub)

I. Title.

PS8623.A523F67 2014 C811'.6 C2013-906995-X C3013-906996-8

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013918884

Cover design: Brian Morgan

We acknowledge for their financial support of our publishing
program the Canada Council for the Arts, the Ontario Arts Council, and the
Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund.

For M & N, may you never need it.

Basil is very temperamental. / I'm sorry, I have no idea how to make a
tv.
/ Find a library, sweetheart, please. / Intact.

If all resources fail: bleach. / Learn to can / fruit, vegetables.

Flamingos, / to read, / that we love you. / Rhinoceroses. / Poplar trees have sunscreen (
spf
15) on the south side.

The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. / The longest day of the year is June 21 / shortest December 21.

Our city was so glorious, but not so much as this sky.

You need songs. You can make your own. / I hope there are books. / I hope you find this one.

Learn to hunt. / Your Mum and Dad have been vegetarians, but never for the sake of your life. / Arrows and spearheads.

Then there are the stories I can't tell you. / Lying under a piano listening to Satie. / Yr Father lay under the piano / as a child in the park.

My Darling Dearest, first-aid kits are frivolous until you need one. / I'm sorry. / Eat strawberries (I dreamt about them last night.)

She's my kid: she's going to start her life by looting a Safeway.

Tamara, I trust you will be strong enough. / Eat eggplant, it's good for you.

If I could be alive for you, I would. The thing that bothers me most is that I've let you down. A button on a string is not an ideal gift.

Don't get angry with ppl for being human. / Just help; / and I know you can. / No use in screaming.

I can't draw you the map you deserve. / Remember pineapples though, ok?

Sweetheart, your Mum took pretty great photos. Find them.

I can't write down all our jokes, but remember to make them.

I think I'd like to name you Tamara.

Maybe Mum isn't going to make it, ok? Baby, I want to tell you what I hear now. Cars: a major road. A man talking. 3 sparrows. A door closing. The leaves. A screen door. A dog. A car going over a pothole. A bird's wings. A car shifting. The wings of a bird against leaves. A freezer fan. A bird protecting a nest. A horn. Mumbled conversation.

We made those choices for you. / We are sorry if they were the wrong ones.

You need to tap into everyone's skill set and push them further. / You can do this as you are of my blood.

I am unlikely to survive / much longer than you.

But it is like waking up in strange house / and all I want to do is go home. / Which means before all this. / Which means you.

Your Mum is writing with a broken thumb. / This: for you.

When you plant seeds, leave about a two-finger space between them.

Remember your Dad. Frankly he is probably a mad-man that dropped out of the sky in a blue box. If you ever get that joke, I'm proud of you.

T.: Yes, this responsibility sucks. / Feed yourself. / Take care of them (I know you can).

Humans are gross and annoying. / Take care of them anyway. / Learn about all types of birds and bugs.

I was just trying to draw you a compass for the world, / for right now. / But I should just make you one. / Iron (Fe) filings and all.

We're setting up a hospital here. We can't take everyone because we just can't. Our choices aren't going to get any easier.

I can tell you about all these plants that grow well, look pretty: totally useless.

If you think I don't spend a few seconds every day hoping to wake up / I'm far too good at lying.

I never wanted to ask you to do this, but I'm trying to keep us all alive, ok? And yes, I get my own room. / Just pretend we are on a ship and the last thing you want is a sleep-deprived captain. / Otherwise, yeah, we're packed in pretty tight.

We imagined creatures that swam through space: they didn't need a ship. (Your Mum is writing you a fairy-tale, she's sorry she's so busy.)

In a tornado: hide under the stairs in the basement. / Your Dad loved you and me so much; he is sorry he can't be here.

I know this isn't by the book. / But Darling, we've run out of those. / Trust your Mother. / This works. / I'm teaching you to make painkillers.

Get Tylenol ones. That means
otc
Tylenol with codeine.

Ideally get two Pyrex bowls, one that fits in the other. Otherwise, do your best. Just remember that normal glass will explode from any change in temperature.

Crush ~10 Tylenol 1 pills.

Use heated but not boiling water to dissolve the
powder.

When it is visibly dissolved, place that bowl into the larger one, with ice if you have it. Regardless, cool it.

In about 20 minutes the Tylenol will settle to the bottom. If you're going to be all fancy you can use a coffee filter (or anything else you can think of); but
in general, just pour off the liquid.

Remember how many pills you crushed and
the LD50.

Fevers run in your maternal line. You're probably fine up to 104ºF/40ºC. Other ppl, 102. / Yes, you will hallucinate, but you'll live.

Love ppl for their for faults,
aka
humanity. / All their quirks. / Boil water for 3 hours to be safe. Seriously, T., if you sleep when I sleep everyone wins.

Tamara, I have this vision of you running towards me in the kitchen and it is . . . extraordinary.

But it is the end of the world and Mum is going to do whatever she wants. She's going to use that excuse alot.

I'm sorry I can't play more, but one day you'll be doing my job. / Wash your hands. / That is the idea.

Those tomato seeds will be food, save them. Save all seeds.

Don't worry, it didn't hurt. Now remember that when I'm the one suturing your arm. / I'm sorry I'm not there anymore. / But at least when doing medical stuff, put up your hair, ok?

Your Mum wishes you could have your own bedroom, but she promised to take care of these ppl.

You run at me so happy with this red hair / I've told you to cut. / That is my last memory.

I remember expecting someone to be there when I woke up, other than you, of course, My Dearest. / Yes, I miss your Dad every day.

It has been 18 days.

Don't let people see you cry. / Let them see you mourn, but not cry. / Tamara, they need your strength.

Never think I wanted to ask these things of you. / Make sure there are enough drop-spindles. /
cd
s &
dvd
s make a great end-piece.

Don't always try to fix problems. Sometimes just listen and say you understand. / But fix the ones you can.

Your Dad was, is, awesome.

Okay, I need you to board up the windows. / You make a latrine.

I don't want this to be the world you're born in. / Please let there be books and pictures.

We were watching this French film and laughing just a second before the audience—and we weren't trying to be rude, we just weren't reading the subtitles. And after reaching for popcorn, and soda, only to lean in closer, I brushed your hand. Our knees touched. I have no idea what that movie was about.