For the Love of Alex (30 page)

One of her doctors explained to Alex that she possessed the emotional maturity of a teenager, her mental growth stunted by years of drug abuse. Even with that limitation, she attempted to take some vocational classes in prison and completed her GED. She worked in the laundry and sometimes helped prepare meals.

Like her son, her passion was art and she would sit for hours painting pictures in one of the classrooms. That’s where she was when Alex and Leah arrived. She agreed to see them because there were never other visitors. The guard warned them that she didn’t seem to know who Alex was when they mentioned him. When they told him he was her son, she grew quiet and withdrawn and refused to leave her room for days.

Today she was better, the guard explained, and back to painting, which seemed to be her only comfort.

“It’s good you’ve come,” the guard told Alex. “Even if you never come again, you should say goodbye. I’ve been doing this job for a long time and I know for the families, it’s important to make peace with their loved ones in prison. If it helps, your mother has come a long way. She will never be completely okay, but she’ll survive. She’s found a home here and it’s good for her.”

Leah knew that no matter how much rehabilitation Rebecca underwent, she would never be free of these walls, for she’d been sentenced to life without the possibility of parole. Rebecca would die in prison.

After what seemed like an endless walk, the guard escorted Alex and Leah to a room with small tables and chairs, which reminded Leah of her middle school. In the corner was a woman in a blue jumpsuit surrounded by art. She was so engrossed in her painting that she didn’t hear them enter the room.

An armed correctional officer was already in the room, patiently watching Rebecca paint.

“We let her spend two hours a day in here painting. It’s not normal procedure, but it keeps her calm and content. She really is no bother, so we try to give her this one thing. Besides, she’s really good. A local gallery wants to feature her work.”

Alex nodded, but he could not take his eyes off the woman, who continued to paint diligently as if in a world of her own. They could not see her face, but they could see her long blond hair tied in a ponytail.

The guard told them that he would come back for them in thirty minutes or, if they wanted to leave sooner, let the other correctional officer in the room know and he would come back and usher them out.

Alex was tense. Leah could feel him struggling to stay calm as his body trembled next to her. She clutched his hand tightly in hers.

“It’s going to be okay. You can do this,” Leah assured him.

 “I don’t even know what she looks like anymore,” he whispered. “I don’t remember her face, her voice, but somehow I do remember her. I’ve never been able to escape her memory. Does that make any sense?”

“Perfect sense. She’s your mother and once upon a time, Alex, you loved her. Maybe you still do.”

Alex grabbed a couple of chairs and moved them near his mother. It was close enough to talk but not close enough to touch her. Leah knew as much as wanted to be near his mother he wanted to keep his distance from this stranger.

As they sat in the chairs, the woman turned to look at them. Her striking blue eyes darted back and forth between them before locking on Alex.

Alex stilled before looking away. He clearly couldn’t face those all-too-familiar eyes. He stared at his hands, tapping nervously on his lap. Leah reached for his right hand, intertwining it with hers. Instantly Alex calmed, the gratitude evident in his watery eyes.

Leah hated to see him hurting like this. Part of her wanted them to just leave now, but Alex needed to stop running. He needed to face his demons and this woman in front of them was the one who was the center of his childhood nightmares and still continued to haunt him. She had the power to destroy him and, unless he ended this now, he would always be at the mercy of his fear.

Leah squeezed his hand before lifting in to her mouth and kissing it. Alex closed his eyes and his body began to relax. The trembling ceased. He smiled at Leah before turning to face the woman whose eyes remained focused on him.

“Who are you?” Rebecca asked as she studied him closely.

“It’s me, Mom. It’s Xander.”

Leah had never heard Alex use that nickname. Once she tried to call him Xander, but it upset him so that she never used the moniker again. Now it made sense. That name was reserved for him by his mother. Once she heard his name, her eyes instantly warmed and filled with moisture. The guard had said she did not recognize him, but maybe she didn’t recognize him as Alex. She knew her son to be Xander.

“My Xander.” She smiled and reached for Alex, but he pulled back, keeping a comfortable distance between them. Rebecca did not seem to notice the rejection. Her quizzical eyes turned to Leah. “Who is this woman with you?”

“I’m Leah, Alex’s…Xander’s fiancé.”

Rebecca briefly acknowledged her before turning back to Alex. “My precious Xander. You’ve come back to me. My beautiful boy is back. Will you paint with me? We used to paint together when you were a child. You would sit on my lap and we would hold the brush together and paint. I would sing to you. And you would tell me ‘I love you, Mama.’ Do you remember, Xander?”

“I remember, Mom. I remember a lot of things.” Most of those memories were painful ones. Especially when she was dangerously high. She would beat Alex until he was so bruised that he could barely walk. He would hide in the closet to escape her anger, but she would always find him and use her fists to punish him for whatever unknown offense she deemed him guilty of that day. There were moments where she showered him with love, but most days she drowned him in her anger and her addiction.

“Will you stay with me, Xander?”

“No, Rebecca. I’m not your little Xander anymore. I’m Alex now. I just came here to say goodbye.”

Rebecca looked puzzled. “You’re my little Xander,” she insisted, as if she were seeing the little boy she remembered and not the man sitting in front of her.

“I’m not a child anymore. I never really was because of you and the drugs you gave me. I have spent my entire life blaming you for every mistake I’ve made since you turned me into an addict. Since you let your addict friends do things to me that no child should ever have to endure.”

Leah inhaled sharply, realizing just how deep Alex’s torment extended. She wanted to reach out and hold him in her arms, but right now, she would listen and give him the space to unburden himself of nineteen years of horrid memories. He glanced at her and she squeezed his hand, encouraging him to continue.

“I’ve spent the last few months in rehab learning that I have to stop blaming you. I have to accept responsibility for the bad choices I’ve made. I can spend my life hating you and destroying myself in the process, or I can heal and accept love and give love. I choose love. I came here to see you, Rebecca, Mom, to let you know that I survived you. No longer will you be the monster in my dreams that scares me into silence. I’m not afraid of you anymore. So I’m here to let you know that I’m okay and I will be okay despite everything. I have the love of the most amazing woman who has stood by me even though I have put her through hell. I’ve given her every reason to run, but she has always stayed by my side. I now have the most precious daughter for whom I am determined to be the father she deserves. I am building my life again one brick at a time, but I cannot move forward until I close the door of my past—my past with you. Goodbye, Mom.”

Alex rose to leave, pulling Leah up beside him. Before he could walk away, Rebecca grabbed his left wrist. “Please stay, Xander,” she pleaded, clutching his arm to her chest. “Please paint with Mama again.”

She asked as if she hadn’t heard a word Alex had said. Her childlike mind was unable to process the brutal honesty of his words. It was like she was suspended in a time when Alex was just a small child. Leah doubted Rebecca understood that she was in prison for the rest of her life; her mind so tattered from years of addiction and probably other mental issues. It was like talking to a child.

Leah could see Alex struggling. He wanted to escape, but he didn’t want to hurt his mother. As much as he wanted to hate her, there was no hate in his eyes when he looked at this woman. There never could be no matter how much harm she caused him. Pretending to hate her would just hurt him more.

Just behind Alex was one of Rebecca’s paintings. Leah hadn’t really noticed her work as she was so intent on helping Alex survive this visit, but now she couldn’t take her eyes off of them. She scanned the room looking at one after the other and noticed most of them were of a little boy with an angelic face and gorgeous blue eyes that matched the sea.

All this time, his mother had been painting him. Her little Xander was her muse.

As much as Leah wanted to hate Rebecca Briggs for all that she’d done to Alex, there was no doubt she was sick; mentally shattered thanks to years of drugs and other tortures that had destroyed any hope of her being a loving mother. Despite that, in her own way she loved Alex and had never forgotten him, just the way Alex had not forgotten her.

Did Alex notice? Leah touched his face to get his attention and his eyes immediately focused on hers. She pointed to the picture on the left. His face was immediately stricken with grief as he recognized the images his mother drew. He detached himself from his mother and walked over to the paintings, looking at one after the other. Almost all of them were images of Alex as a child.

“That’s my Xander,” Rebecca called out as she watched Alex with a look of great pride on her face.

Leah’s heart broke for Alex as he studied each picture. His eyes were battling the tears he was determined to not let fall.

“I wanted to hate her, Leah,” Alex admitted. “I wanted to come here and curse her and tell her to rot in hell. But she’s already in hell. She has been her whole life. She’s sick. There’s no satisfaction in hating her.”

“There may be satisfaction in forgiving her.” Leah wrapped her arms around Alex, resting her head on his taut back. “It might help you let her go, Alex. Give her this last gift and then be free. Forgive her and move on.”

 Alex brushed a tear aside and reached for Leah’s right hand, kissing each of her knuckles. He slipped away from her and walked towards his mother, who had returned to her painting. He grabbed a chair and pulled it up next to his mother’s. Rebecca paused and then faced her son. She simply glowed as Alex picked up a brush.

Leah watched as Alex and his mother painted a beautiful portrait of a sunset. Alex looked so content, so at peace. Leah understood. Alex finally had the one thing he needed—closure.

As they drove back to Long Island in silence, Leah wondered how Alex was feeling, but be remained quiet, offering no words to explain the countless thoughts that had to be racing through his mind. When they reached the sober-living facility, Leah finally ended the silence.

“Are you okay, Alex? How do you feel?”

He took a deep breath before facing her with an unexpectedly bright smile on his face. “Free, Leah. I finally feel free.”

III

Leah had dressed Sienna in a denim skirt and glittery purple top with black patent leather boots. Another gift from Auntie Claire, and it was perfect for this sunny spring day in May which was a little cool, but comfortable especially after weeks of rain in April.

Leah was looking forward to spending this day with Alex and Sienna. Soon she would have to return to work full time and not be able to enjoy outings like this, but for now she wanted to make the most of every opportunity to spend with her family.

She loved the way that sounded. Family was what she always wanted. Although she still wished she and Alex were living under one roof, she would be patient and wait for him to come home to her. At least they were spending almost every day together, and each one was better than the last. Alex was a different person and in many ways Leah was getting to know the new man he’d become. As he was discovering himself, Leah was discovering him as well and so far, she loved every aspect of Alex. He wasn’t the same boy she loved her whole life, he was an even better man—thanks to his sobriety.

Alex surprisingly asked to meet her at the restaurant she used to work at while in college and during the first few months when she joined the paper. She hadn’t seen her old boss Bill in months. Things had grown so awkward between them when Alex had his meltdown and damaged the place. Leah had tried to pay for the damages Alex had caused, but Bill refused to accept any money from her. She felt so guilty that she no longer felt comfortable working there and facing Bill each night. After a couple of weeks, she quit her job and hadn’t returned to the restaurant.

She knew it was wrong to not keep in touch, but she hadn’t been brave enough to face Bill. She tried to convince Alex to go someplace else, but Alex was adamant that he wanted to meet there. Leah begrudgingly agreed. At least Bill could meet Sienna and she could apologize to him for not staying in touch. Maybe they could be friends again.

Leah arrived at the restaurant at a few minutes after noon. She was late, but juggling a baby and all Sienna’s things made it almost impossible to arrive anywhere on time. She pushed open the door and, to her surprise, the place was empty. Lunch time was usually quite busy there, but today there was not one patron at a table. Leah looked around and didn’t see any staff either. There was one table set up with candles glowing, but otherwise the place seemed eerily deserted.

The door to the kitchen opened and Alex stepped out wearing a dark suit with a blue button-down dress shirt that matched his eyes. He wore a black and blue tie that elegantly accentuated his entire appearance. He looked simply stunning with his shoulder-length hair slicked back. Leah closed her mouth before she started drooling. She could just watch him all day every day and never grow tired of his splendor.

“W-what’s going on?” Leah stuttered.

Alex stood in front of her with those mischievous gleaming eyes watching her closely as his lips curved into a smile that illuminated his entire face. “I wanted us to have a special afternoon together and Bill was kind enough to lend us his place.” Leah was stunned. Her face reflecting exactly how she felt. “I can see you’re shocked. Well, Bill is fortunately a very forgiving, honorable man. So much so that he offered me a job here. I am going to be waiting tables for now until I make some career decisions. But at least in the immediate future, I have some type of steady income that I could use to help support us.”