For the Love of Gracie (24 page)

I picked my phone up and had fifteen missed calls as well as ten texts. Most of the missed calls were Ashton and Cameron, a couple were from Angel. The texts started out from Ash begging me to let him know I was safe.

Then came Cameron's texts which started out with worry then turned to
Dammit Gracie you better let me know your ass is safe! I'm freaking out here!

I texted Cam saying,
I'm safe, I love you.

He replied instantly,
Tell me where you are, I need to see for myself. I'll come alone if you don’t want to see Ash right now.

My heart hurt thinking about Ash worrying about me. I texted back
I don’t want to see anyone right now.

The next text told me that Ashton and Cameron were together. Ashton said,
I'll be at home, come over when you're ready to talk. I love you, bug.

The last text made my panic start over again. 

It was from Hudson,
You look hot sitting there watching me from your car today as you followed me. I'll be coming for you soon. You'll never get me out of your life.

His text made my skin crawl. I knew he wasn't lying, I would never get Hudson out of my life.  Everything crashed around me at that moment.  It wasn't fair to put my friends through anymore of this, to put Ash through it. It was my responsibility to take care of the problem, once and for all.

Chapter Eighteen

I checked into a hotel for the night. My mind was made up on what I wanted to do about the baby, my life, everything. There was a department store next to the hotel. I went in to purchase a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a pair of tennis shoes. I locked the door to the room and put the Do Not Disturb sign out.  There wasn’t much on television that would take my mind off th
ings so I sat in a quiet room.

The hotel room was plush. I wanted somewhere nice for my last night. I couldn't let anyone else be hurt because of my mistakes.

The contents of my purse were dumped on the bed, I shuffled through all the different pills I had available. A good combination should do it, mixed with the contents of the bottle of Jack I had picked up on the way over.

My hands shook as I wrote a note to Cameron, letting him know that he was my world for so long and that none of this was his fault. I encouraged him to stay with Gavin, I’d never seen him happier. He was the best friend I'd ever had in life. I left messages in his letter to give to Angel and Mary Jane for me explaining how they were like sisters to me and that I loved them dearly.

Cameron would be angry at me for a long time.  It wouldn't be easy for him to understand why I did this, nor would it be easy for him to forgive me.

My comfort came knowing that Gavin would be there for him. If I did this now, I could protect them from any pain that Hudson would inflict on those I love.

The hardest part came when I had to say goodbye to Ashton. My mind drifted to yesterday morning, the memory of our first time together. He was so gentle, so sweet to me. At least, I could leave him with that memory. The memory made my skin tingle; I ached for him. I wished I could kiss him one last time.  

In his letter, my words pleaded with him to move on quickly, to not feel the pain he felt in losing Addy. He deserved to be happy; he deserved someone whole, not the broken shell of a person I was now. He didn’t deserve what wrath Hudson might have in mind for the two of us.

I expressed how sorry I was to cause him any pain, that it was never my intention. My only intention was to give him the very best of me. I can’t find anything good inside me anymore. My hope was that our short time together would make it easier for him to move on. He had six years with Addy. We had barely nine months together.

The envelopes were sealed and placed by the bed. I slipped under the covers, fully dressed in the jeans and t-shirt I bought. For courage, I took a swig from the bottle of Jack. Taking one bottle at a time, I dumped pills onto a napkin on the bed. I determined I had gathered enough to do the job. As I held the bottle between my legs, I dumped the pills into my palm.

I tried not to hate people, because that was how I was raised. For the first time in my life I could truly say, I hated Hudson James. All the amazing things Ashton had said to me did not seem to erase the negativity in my head from Hudson. It angered me that his words cut so deep that they obliterated any chance I had to be truly happy.

This wasn't what I wanted, but it seemed like the only logical solution to keep anyone else from being hurt.

I placed my empty hand against my stomach and said, "I'm sorry.  I know this isn’t your fault." 
With a deep breath, I raised my hand to my mouth.

The sound of a text coming through stopped me, momentarily.

It was after two in the morning.  I glanced down and saw a text from Ash that said,
Unable to sleep.  Wherever you are, I wish I was there with you. I need you, Gracie bug. You paint a portrait of happiness in my life like no one else can. Without you, paintings are just drawings. With you, they’re masterpieces. You have my heart always. Don’t shut me out.

I replied with,
I love you, Ashton, with my whole heart.
I hoped that would be enough to make him feel better.

His words tore through me. A barrier of sadness and despair was broken down, allowing me to feel happiness again. It felt as though someone else had been controlling my body and they released it back to my control. I didn’t want to die.  

The grouping of pills clattered as they fell into the waste basket next to the bed. I gathered up my things to check out early. I showered and dressed in a simple pair of jeans with a black t-shirt. I laced my tennis shoes and took a deep breath to prepare. 

As soon as I checked out of the hotel, I drove straight to Ash's house. I didn’t call, I didn’t know what to say. I knocked on the door and it swung open quickly.

Ashton looked exhausted. He had bags under his eyes, fresh stubble along his jaw, and his hair was disheveled. Once he focused on me, his face lit up with relief. He closed his eyes and sighed. "Thank God you're in one piece." He motioned for me to come in.

We sat on the couch. He kept his distance, but never took his eyes off of me.

"First, you need to
know you did nothing wrong. I was ready to make love to you and I don’t regret any of that. In fact, it was the most amazing thing I've experienced and it's what kept me going last night when I wanted to just end this once and for all.” 

His face paled. "End it? Gracie no…."

I stopped him. "Your text, it saved me." 

He stood and paced back and forth in front of me.  He rubbed at his goatee in silence. His thumb and forefinger pinched the bridge of his nose as he choked out, "Tell me you meant that figuratively." 

I pulled his letter from my purse and held it out to him. He opened it, realized what it was and collapsed into the closest chair. His head fell to his hands. He dropped the letter and looked up at me. I'd never seen someone so distraught.

"Are you alright, Ash?" 

He choked back a sob and said, "Are you kidding me? You disappear yesterday without telling me where you're going. Then you come here and tell me that you were going to kill yourself? I'm not alright, Gracie. Not at all." 

I walked toward him and reached out. He backed away from me for a change. 

"How could you be so selfish?" he asked, with hurt instead of anger. 

"I didn’t mean to hurt you, Ash."

He stepped closer, "Not just me. What about Cameron? He has called me every hour to see if I've heard from you."

His phone rang, he glanced at it and said, "It's been an hour exactly since he last called."

He answered and said, "She's here, Cam.  She's safe. Yeah, you can come over. I think you
should
come over." He kept his eyes on me the entire time. 

Cameron would be so mad when he found out about what I almost did. Ashton was right, it was very selfish.  

"Have you eaten?" 

I shook my head, "Not in two days now."

He stalked away to the kitchen, I followed. "What are you doing?" 

He grumbled, "Fixing you something to eat." He set out ham, cheese, and bread to make a sandwich.  He reached to open the bread and I laid my hand on his to stop him. He sucked in a breath when I touched him.  He didn’t move, he waited for me to speak.

"Ash, please. I promise I'll eat. I need something from you first."

He crossed his arms, he wasn't sure he'd like my request, I could tell.

"Hold me, please."

His arms dropped to his side, his features softened. 

He stepped forward. "Are you sure?" 

I nodded and held my arms out.

He slowly walked over, slid his arms around my waist and pulled me close. I tightened my embrace around him. At the same time I tightened my hold, he sighed in my ear. 

He kissed my hair and whispered, "Please don't ever leave me like that, Gracie." 

I pulled back from him and said, "I'm so sorry."

Pushing myself up on my tiptoes, my lips met his.  He leaned down, softly moving his lips with mine.  His hand moved up my back to press me against him. I slid my hands inside his shirt. He groaned, his lips vibrating against mine. 

We were interrupted by incessant banging on the door. He smiled.

No sight had ever made me happier than that smile. 

"You better answer that." 

I walked to the door, inhaled deeply and opened it, ready to face Cameron's tirade. He stood there, looking worse for the wear than Ashton did.

Cameron never went without shaving, nor did he leave the house in any sort of disarray. He stood in front of me with his hair a mess, stubble on his cheek, wearing jeans and a baggy shirt. 

He threw his arms around me, almost knocking me backwards. "I don’t care if you don’t want me touching you right now. I'm sorry. Baby girl, you EVER do that to me again and I'll never forgive you."

He hadn’t let go of me. He hugged me tighter; I felt his body shake.

"Cameron?" He didn’t speak. He just held me. 

He let go of me all of a sudden. He seemed distracted by something. He bent over and picked up a piece of paper off the floor. His eyes scanned Ashton's letter. He peered up at me, I averted my eyes in shame. His chest rose and fell in strong heaves of breath. 

Ashton put his hand on his shoulder and said, "She's safe now, Cameron.  Remember that." 

He plopped onto the couch, staring forward. His eyes were red, a single tear fell from each eye and it broke my heart. 

"Cameron, talk to me." 

Cam faced straight forward. "You were going to leave me, Gracie? You're the most important person in my life. Did you think about me?" 

I knelt in front of him, making eye contact. "Of course I did, I have a letter for you too."

He grew angry. "You wrote me a damn letter? You thought about me enough to tell me how important I was to you, but didn’t think killing yourself would matter?!"

"The only thing I thought about was the two of you.  You're my family. I didn’t want you to have to spend your life tiptoeing around me wondering when I would breakdown again. You both deserve better than that!" I said, exasperated.

Cameron's face paled. "I'd rather spend my life taking care of you than live without you!" 

Ashton nodded. "I agree, a million times over."

Cameron moved next to Ash, they both stood with their arms crossed.

"Are you two going to gang up on me now?" 

Cameron yelled, "Gracie! I've got grunge stubble, I'm wearing baggy clothes, my hair is a mess AND I turned down sex to look for you! What does that tell you?" 

He looked so serious it took me a moment, then I let out a loud laugh accompanied by a snort. They both just stared at me as I bent over in laughter. I fell to the couch in hysterics.

Cameron walked over. "Gracie, have you gone bat-shit crazy?"

I yanked on his neck pulling him down to me and we rolled off the couch onto the floor together.

His head lay against my chest as I hugged him to me, "I never want to leave you, Cameron." 

The mood grew serious when he asked, "Tell me why you stopped." 

I reached into my pocket for my cell phone. I opened it to show him the text from Ash.

"I had a handful of pills, and a bottle of Jack Daniel's to wash them down. They were only inches from my mouth, when this text came through. After reading it, I threw the pills away." 

Cameron moved off of me. We both glanced up at Ashton who was now standing there with tears in his eyes.

Cameron went to Ashton and hugged him. Actually, they hugged each other, and I heard them both sniffle. 

"Thank you, Ash, for saving my girl."

He pulled away, both of them were wiping at their eyes.  Cameron glanced over at a mirror and scowled, "I should totally have my gay card taken away for being out in public like this! Can I shower and shave, maybe borrow some clothes that look better?"