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‘Kiss me,’ I breathe.

He lowers his face towards mine, lips brushing my cheek, my nose, then slowly making their way towards my mouth. He kisses me gently, very gently, breathing hard now. The pain between my legs starts to fade as he continues to move inside me, and I feel another sensation, one that makes my whole body quiver. I run the backs of my hands gently down his chest and stomach, into the depressions between his hips and then up the sides, urging him with my hands to move a little faster. He does, pressing his lips together and holding his breath, the flush on his face deepening, spreading down to his neck and across his chest. Sweat glistens on his forehead and cheeks, a smal drop running down his face, then faling onto mine. As he moves, his fringe brushes against my forehead. I hear the sound of my own breath, smal puffs of air escaping my mouth, mingling with his. I never want this to stop: this fear mixed with ecstasy, my whole being humming with longing, the press of his body against mine. The feel of him inside me, moving against me, making me shiver with excitement. I tilt my head up for another kiss and his lips descend over mine, harder this time. Scrunching up his eyes, he breaks away and holds his breath for a few seconds, then lets it out in a rush. Suddenly he opens his eyes again, his look desperate and urgent.

‘It’s OK,’ I reassure him quickly.

‘I can’t—’ The words catch in his throat and I feel him tremble against me.

‘That’s OK!’

With a smal gasp, his movements begin to quicken. ‘Sorry!’

I feel him twitch inside me, his pelvic bone digging into mine. Suddenly he seems locked in his own world. He closes his eyes and his jagged gasps tear at the air, his body growing tighter and tighter, his hands tearing at the sheets. Then, with a deep, sharp inhalation, he presses himself hard into me, again and again, shuddering violently with a series of smal, wild sounds.

Once he is stil, the ful weight of his body presses down on me and he colapses against my neck. He is holding me very tightly, his arms pressing against mine, his fingers digging into my shoulders, his body stil twitching. Exhaling slowly into the cool air of the room, I run my hand over his damp hair, across his neck and down his back, feeling his heart pound violently against my own. I kiss his shoulder, the only part of him I can reach, and stare up in astonishment at the familiar faded blue ceiling.

Reality has been altered, or at least my perception of it has dramaticaly changed. Everything feels different, looks different . . . For a few moments I am not even sure who I am any more. This boy, this man, lying in my arms has become a part of me. We have a new identity together: two parts of a whole. In the last few minutes, everything between us changed for ever. I saw Lochie as no one had ever seen him, felt him inside me, sensed him at his most vulnerable, opened myself up to him in turn. In those few minutes I took him inside me, became a part of him, as close as two separate beings could ever be.

He slowly raises his head from my shoulder and looks down at me with a worried gaze. ‘Are you OK?’ he pants softly.

I nod, smiling. ‘Yes.’

He heaves a sigh of relief and presses his mouth against my neck, the sweat running between us. He kisses me between ragged breaths, and when I catch sight of the wild, flushed look on his face, I begin to laugh. Gazing down at me, he starts laughing too, and his whole being seems to radiate joy. And al at once I think – This whole time, my whole life, that harsh, stony path was leading up to this one point. I followed it blindly, stumbling along the way, scraped and weary, without any idea of where it was leading, without ever realizing that with every step I was approaching the light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel. And now that I’ve reached it, now that I’m here, I want to catch it in my hand, hold onto it for ever to look back on – the point at which my new life really began. Everything I ever wanted, right here, right now, all captured in this one moment. The laughter, the joy, the enormity of the love between us. This is the dawn of happiness. It all begins now.

Then, from the doorway, comes a shattering scream.

Never in my life have I heard such a terrible sound. A scream of pure horror, of undiluted hatred and fury and rage. And it keeps coming, rising louder and louder, closer and closer, blocking out the sun, sucking out everything: the love, the warmth, the music, the joy. Tearing at the briliant light al around us, slashing against our naked bodies, ripping the smile from our faces, the breath from our lungs. Maya grabs hold of me in horror, arms wrapped around me, gripping me tight, face pressed against my chest, as if imploring her body to merge into mine. For a moment I cannot react, simply clutching her to me, intent only on protecting her, shielding her body with my own. Then I hear the sobs – the shrieking, hysterical sobs, the screeching accusations, the demented wails. I force my head up and see, framed in the open door, our mother.

As soon as her horrified eyes make contact with mine, she launches herself at us, grabbing me by the hair and yanking back my head with astonishing force. Her fists pound against me, her long nails cutting into my arms, my shoulders, my back. I don’t even try to push her off. My arms circle Maya’s head, my body presses down over hers, acting as a human shield between her and this madwoman, desperately trying to protect her from the attack.

Maya cries out in terror beneath me, trying to bury herself in the mattress, puling me down against her with al her might. But then the shrieks begin to coalesce into words, perforating my frozen brain, and I hear: ‘Get off her! Get off her! You monster! You evil, twisted monster! Get off my baby! Get off! Get off! Get off!’

I wil not move, wil not let go of Maya even as I continue to be yanked by the hair and half dragged from the bed. Maya, suddenly realizing that the intruder is our mother, starts struggling to free herself from my grasp.

‘No! Mum! Leave him! Leave him! He didn’t do anything! What are you doing? You’re hurting him! Don’t hurt him! Don’t hurt him! Don’t hurt him!’

She is screaming at her now, sobbing in terror, puling herself out from beneath me, trying to reach over and fight Mum off, but I won’t let them touch, won’t let the monster reach her. When I see a clawed hand descend towards Maya’s face, I swing my arm wildly, making contact with Mum’s shoulder. She staggers back and there is a thud, the sound of books tumbling from shelves, and she is gone, her wails echoing al the way down to the floor below.

I leap from the bed, hurl myself at the bedroom door and slam it shut, shooting the bolt across.

‘Quick!’ I yel at Maya, grabbing knickers and T-shirt from her clothes pile and tossing them over.

‘Put them on. She’l come back with Dave or someone. The lock’s not strong enough—’

Maya is sitting in the middle of the bed, sheet clutched to her chest, hair wild and tangled, face white with shock and wet with tears.

‘She can’t do anything to us,’ she says desperately, her voice rising. ‘She can’t do anything, she can’t do anything!’

‘It’s al right, Maya. It’s al right, it’s al right. Just please put these on. She’s going to be back!’

I can only find my underwear – the rest of my stuff must be buried beneath the heap of falen books.

Maya puls on her clothes, leaps up and runs over to the open window. ‘We can climb out,’ she gasps. ‘We can jump—’

I yank her back, forcing her to sit down on the bed. ‘Listen to me. We can’t run away – they’d catch us anyway, and think, Maya, think! What about the others? We can’t just abandon them. We’re going to wait here, OK? No one’s going to hurt you, I promise. Mum’s just being hysterical. And she wasn’t trying to attack you, she was trying to rescue you. From me.’ I am fighting for breath.

‘I don’t care!’ Maya is shouting again, tears coursing down her cheeks. ‘Look what she did to you, Lochie! Your back is bleeding! I can’t believe she hurt you like that! She was puling out your hair! She – she—’

‘Shh, sweetheart, shh . . .’ Turning to face her on the edge of the bed, I clasp the tops of her arms in an attempt to hold her stil. ‘Maya, you’ve got to calm down. You’ve got to listen to me. No one’s going to hurt us, d’you understand? They just want to rescue you—’

‘From what?’ she sobs. ‘From who? They can’t take me away from you! They can’t, Lochie, they can’t!’

More yeling. We both freeze at the sound, this time coming from the street. I am the first to reach the window. Mum is pacing up and down in front of the house, shouting and screaming into her mobile phone.

‘You’ve got to come now!’ she’s sobbing. ‘Oh God, please hurry! He’s already punched me, and now he’s bolted himself in with her! When I went in, he tried to suffocate her! I think he’s going to kil her!’

Curious neighbours are popping their heads out of windows and doors, some already hurrying across the street towards her. I feel myself break out in a cold sweat and my legs threaten to give way.

‘She’s caling Dave,’ Maya shouts, trying to pul away as I drag her from the window. ‘He’s going to break the door down. He’s going to beat you up! I’ve got to go down and explain everything! I’ve got to tel them you haven’t done anything wrong!’

‘Don’t, Maya, don’t. You can’t! It won’t make any difference! You have to stay here and listen. I have to talk to you.’

Suddenly I know what I must do. I know that there is only one solution, only one way left to save Maya and the kids from harm. But she won’t listen, struggling and kicking her bare feet against my legs as I lock my arms around her to stop her from running to the door. I force her back down on the edge of the bed, pinning her against me.

‘Maya, you have to listen. I – I think I have a plan, but you’ve got to listen or it won’t work. Please, sweetheart. I’m begging you!’

Maya stops struggling. ‘OK, Lochie, OK,’ she whimpers. ‘Tel me, I’m listening. I’l do it. I’l do whatever you want.’

Stil gripping her, I stare at her terrified, wild-eyed face and breathe deeply in a frantic effort to organize my thoughts, calm myself, hold back the mounting tears that wil only terrify her further. I tighten my grip on her wrists and prepare to grab her should she make a run for the door.

‘Mum isn’t caling Dave,’ I explain, my voice shaking hard. ‘She’s caling the police.’

Maya freezes, her blue eyes wide with shock. Tears hang on her lashes, the colour is gone from her face. The silence in the room is broken only by her frantic gasps.

‘It’s al right,’ I say firmly, struggling to keep my voice steady. ‘In fact it’s a good thing. The police wil sort this out. They’l calm Mum down. They’l take me away for questioning, but it wil only be—’

‘But it’s against the law.’ Maya’s voice is quiet with horror. ‘What just happened. We’l be arrested because we’ve broken the law.’

I take another deep breath, my lungs cracking under the strain, my throat threatening to close up completely. If I break down, it’s al over. I’l frighten her so much she’l stop listening to me and wil never agree to what I’m about to suggest. I have to convince her that this is the best way, the only way.

‘Maya, you’ve got to listen, we have to go through this fast, they could be here any minute.’ I stop to catch my breath again. Despite the terror in her eyes, she just nods, waiting for me to continue.

‘OK. First you’ve got to remember that being arrested does not mean going to prison. We won’t be going to prison because we’re only teenagers. But listen to me now: this is very, very important. If we both get arrested, we’l be kept in for questioning. That could take a few days. Wila and Tiffin wil come back to find us gone. Mum wil probably be drunk, and even if she’s not, Social Services wil be caled in by the police and al three kids wil be taken away because of what we’ve done. Just imagine Wila, imagine Tiffin, imagine how terrified they’l be. Wila was worried—’ My voice quavers and I break off for a moment. ‘W-Wila was worried about spending just one night away!’ Tears force their way into my eyes like knives. ‘D’you understand? D’you understand what wil happen to them if we both get arrested?’

Maya shakes her head at me in silent horror, mute with shock, fresh tears filing her eyes.

‘There is a way,’ I carry on desperately. ‘There’s a way we can prevent al that. They won’t take them away if there’s one of us here to look after them and cover for Mum. D’you get it, Maya?’ My voice begins to rise. ‘One of us has to stay. It has to be you—’

‘No!’ Maya’s cry slices straight through my heart. I tighten my grip on her wrists as she begins to pul away. ‘No! No!’

‘Maya, if they’re taken away by Social Services, neither of us wil ever see them again until they’re adults! They’l be scarred for life! If you let me go, there’s a good chance I’l be out in a few days.’ I stare at her, desperately hoping she trusts me enough to believe this lie.

‘You stay!’ Maya looks at me, her eyes imploring. ‘You stay and I’ll go! I’m not scared. Please, Lochie. Let’s do it that way!’

I shake my head in desperation. ‘It won’t work!’ I say franticaly. ‘Remember that conversation we had a few weeks ago? No one wil believe us if we say it was you who forced me. And if we tel them it was consensual, they’l arrest us both! We have to do it like this. Don’t you understand?

Think, Maya, think! You know there are no other options! If one of us is to stay behind, it has to be you!’

Maya’s whole body crumples forward as the reality hits her. She fals towards me but I cannot take her in my arms, not yet.

‘Please, Maya,’ I beg her. ‘Tel me you’l do it. Tel me now, right now. Otherwise I’l go crazy not knowing – not knowing whether you and the others are safe or not. I won’t be able to take it. You’ve got to do it. For me. For us. It’s our only chance to ever be together as a family again.’

She hangs her head, her beautiful amber hair hiding her face from view.

‘Maya—’ A frantic sound escapes me and I give her a shake. ‘Maya!’

She nods silently, without looking up.

‘You’l do it?’ I ask.

‘I’l do it,’ she whispers.

Several minutes pass and she doesn’t move. With shaky hands, I wipe the sweat from my face. Then, suddenly, Maya raises her head with a strangled sob and holds out her arms for comfort. I can’t do it. I simply can’t. With a sharp shake of the head, I move away from her, straining my ears for the sound of a siren. A low murmur of voices rises from beneath us – no doubt concerned neighbours, rushing in to comfort our mother. Denied the hug she so desperately needs, Maya seeks comfort instead from a pilow drawn up against her chest. Rocking back and forth, she appears to be in a state of complete shock.

‘There’s one more thing . . .’ I turn to her, realizing suddenly. ‘We – we have to get our stories straight. Otherwise they’l hold me for longer and you’l be puled in repeatedly for questioning and things wil get much worse—’

Maya closes her eyes as if to shut me out.

‘We haven’t got time to make anything up,’ I say, my voice catching on every word. ‘We’l – we’l just have to tel it exactly how it was. E-everything that happened, how it first started, how long it’s been . . . If our stories don’t match up they could arrest you too. So you’ve got to tel the truth, Maya, d’you understand? Everything – every detail they ask you for!’ I take a frantic breath. ‘The only thing we’re going to add is that – is that I forced you. I forced you into everything we did, Maya. D’you hear me?’

I’m losing control again, the words shaking like the air around me. ‘The first time we kissed, I said you had to go along with it, or – or I’d beat you. I swore that if you told anyone, I’d kil you. You were terrified. You realy believed I was capable of it, and so from then on, every time I – I wanted you, you – you just did what I asked.’

She looks up at me in horror, silent tears spiling down her cheeks. ‘They’l send you to prison!’

‘No.’ I shake my head, struggling to sound as convincing as possible. ‘You’l simply say you don’t want to press charges. If there’s no accuser, there’l be no court case. I’l be out in a few days!’ I stare at her, silently imploring her to believe me.

She frowns and shakes her head slowly, as if desperately trying to comprehend. ‘But that doesn’t make sense . . .’

‘Trust me.’ I’m breathing too fast. ‘Most sexual abuse cases are never taken to court because the victims are too afraid or ashamed to press charges. So you’l just say you don’t want to press charges, either . . . But, Maya’ – I reach out and grip her arm – ‘you must never, ever say this was consensual. You must never, ever admit to taking part in this freely. I forced you. Whatever they ask, whatever they say, I threatened you. D’you understand?’

A stunned nod.

Unconvinced, I grab her roughly by the arms. ‘I don’t believe you! Tel me what happened! What did I do to you?’

She looks up at me, bottom lip quivering, eyes glistening. ‘You raped me,’ she replies, and presses her hands to her mouth to muffle a scream.

We huddle together beneath the duvet one last time. She is curled in towards me, cheek resting against my chest, shaking in shock. I hold her tight, staring up at the ceiling, terrified I wil start crying, terrified she wil see just how afraid I am, terrified she wil suddenly realize that even though she won’t press charges, there’s someone else who wil.

‘I d-don’t understand,’ Maya gasps. ‘How could this happen? Why did Mum come back today of al days? How the hel did she get in without her key?’

I’m too stressed to even think about that, or care. The only thing that matters is that we’ve been caught. Reported to the police. I never realy thought it could actualy come to this.

‘It must have been a neighbour. We weren’t careful enough with the curtains.’ Maya shakes with a silent sob. ‘You’ve stil got time. Lochie, I just don’t understand! Why won’t you run?’ Her voice rises in anguish.

Because then I won’t be around to tell my version of the story. The version I want the police to hear. The version that absolves you of all wrongdoing. If I run, they could arrest you instead. And if we both go, we expose ourselves as accomplices and it’s all over. I say nothing, just hold her tighter in the hope that she wil trust me. The sound of the siren makes us both start. Maya jack-knifes from the bed and tries to leap for the door. I force her back and she starts to cry.