Forbidden Spirits (14 page)

"But it's only his eye
," Rose said. "Why?"

"It's a reminder to be my best even when
Caesar's not watching," Tyler replied, while placing the other steak on the grill.

Rose looked at him in puzzlement. "Why Caesar and not your mares?"

"Because Caesar saw me do something I shouldn't have done," Tyler said.

"Is it something you don't want to talk about?" Rose asked.

"I doesn't matter," Tyler replied. "It happened when I was ten."

"It must matter, because you have this picture
in a frame as a reminder," Rose said. "What did Caesar see?"

"
Me slap my little sister," Tyler replied, while placing the ears of corn into the steamer.

"Kids do things like that all the time," Rose said. "It's called sibling rivalry."

"This was different," Tyler replied. "I was with Caesar while trying to figure out how to tie a knot, and Maddy didn't understand why I couldn't, and when she said that any stupid idiot could tie knots, I slapped her, and when I did, Caesar flinched with his whole body. I felt bad, not only for slapping my little sister, but because Caesar saw me do it, and because he flinched, I knew it was a reminder to him of a time when someone hit him. He was my best friend and I didn't want him to think I might hit him too if I got mad, especially since he was finally happy, so I decided then that I needed to be the best person I could be in order to deserve him."

"
What do you mean when you say, he was finally happy?" Rose asked.

"
He wasn't when my dad got him," Tyler said. "The man my dad bought him from mistreated him, which was the reason he was so docile. I knew the first time I looked at him that his spirit was broken. I could see it in his sad dead eyes. So I started talking to him and when he listened to me I could feel what was in his heart. So I guess we helped each other because his eyes started to brighten, and he'd tease me in a way that I knew he wouldn't have done before, like nipping at my collar, or butting his head against my back when I was walking in front of him, like he wanted to play, which we would, so I guess Caesar taught me to play and have fun. And when I was with him I never had to read out loud, or try to tell time, or know my right hand from my left. I could just be who I was." He realized, with a start, that he'd inadvertently told Rose about his problem. He'd been deliberating all day how to approach it, and now it was done.

"Your grandmother mentioned you'd been dyslexic," Rose commented.

Tyler looked at Rose, surprised that she knew, yet she hadn't said anything. She was also there with him for the evening, and she'd kissed him in a way that told him she cared, even knowing his brain was wired all wrong. "I still am dyslectic, but I deal with it."

"
Yes, you do, very well," Rose said. "I never would have known if your grandmother hadn't mentioned it, but how was it different when you were a kid?"

"
It was a nightmare," Tyler replied. "As a bottom-of-the-class learner I was told on a daily basis that I was stupid because I couldn't do what kids all around me could do. The problem was, while the teacher was talking, hundreds of pictures were racing through my head, so I figured if I could relax my brain maybe I could understand the string of words, but I never figured out how to relax my brain, and trying to follow instructions was a dead end. But I didn't need to do any of that when I was with Caesar because he understood me perfectly, and I understood him. I had no problem communicating with him."

"Have you ever analyzed why you can communicate with animals?" Rose asked.

"I've done some reading to try to figure me out," Tyler replied. "Some of it made sense, but most of it didn't because the researchers couldn't get into my head."

"What part made sense?" Rose asked.

"The part about someone like me seeing over thirty pictures in my head a second instead of four like normal people do, so when I talk, my words don't keep up with the pictures in my head because the pictures come too fast to communicate, then while I'm listening to someone and trying to focus on what they're saying my brain's seeing thirty or more pictures a second, so it's like the person's talking in slow motion while my brain is flying along."

"But you're carrying on a normal conversation
with me right now so you've obviously come up with a way to get around it," Rose said.

"Yeah, with a lot of
hard work from my mom," Tyler replied. "She ran every kind of learning aid available past me. But with my horses, there's no verbal communication, only body language and the sound of my voice, so my horses know what I'm asking of them because of the way I ask it and the body language I use to get my point across. They understand direction when I point with my whip. They don't have to know left or right because I show them. And their faces are very expressive. There's more communication in a single look from an animal than a hundred words from a human."

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe you've been blessed to be born with an ability that so-called normal
people don't have?" Rose asked.

Tyler let out a sardonic laugh. "Yeah, I was blessed with the daily challenge of trying to get through school
. But once I got home, everything was okay because I had my best friend who accepted me for exactly who I was, and never judged me."

"That's sad,"
Rose said.

"I managed," Tyler replied. "Caesar taught me how to deal with hot-tempered emotions when I was growing up.
Sometimes I'd have understandings and theories that were so complex I couldn't even begin to explain them, and if I tried, people didn't understand and thought I was crazy, but I could explain them to Caesar and he'd listen, or at least not think I was crazy."

He took the frame from Rose and flipped it over and pointed to a wad of brown hair held in place with tape
. "This is from his forelock. Just a glance at it brings me back to a time when I'd be grooming him, and he'd turn his head and nuzzle me, or maybe just look at me, and I'd see the soft expression in his eyes and know he loved me."

"So then, the very things you couldn’t do helped provide you with a means of knowing yourself and your horses in a way you probably never would have
been able to if you hadn't been given the gift of dyslexia," Rose said.

Tyler smiled. "You sound like my mom. She was always trying to point out how I was special because of the things I could do that my siblings couldn't do, which in my mind never seemed as good as the things they could do, like knowing left from right."

"Well, there's nothing about you now that seems slow or awkward," Rose said.

"Maybe not on the outside, but unless you've walked in my shoes you don't know what a dyslectic goes through on a daily basis."

"Then tell me," Rose said. "I want to understand you."

"Okay then, I'll give you a little sampling," Tyler said, while turning the steaks. "Sometimes words come easily and other times they aren't there. I can have a good memory for certain things and other things don't stay in my head no matter how many times I repeat then. I can be clumsy around the house and drop things, but when I'm on my horses I never have a problem. There are times when I picture an object in my mind but can't find the word for it so I call it a thing. One time I can spell a word correctly, another time it's all wrong. The only thing consistent about being dyslectic is that nothing's consistent."

"Would you want to switch bodies with one of your brothers?" Rose asked.

That question caught Tyler off guard. He'd thought about it in the past, and he also compared his ability to communicate with his mares with his brothers' inability to do what he could do, and he couldn't imagine what it would be like to not have that ability. "Maybe what I have isn't all bad," he said. "Being a visual thinker instead of a verbal one is more the way animals think so I guess I pay more attention to body language since my verbal and auditory processing doesn't work so well, and none of my brothers can connect with horses the way I do, so I suppose if given the choice I'd stay like I am."

"Well, just for the record, you make my heart skitter in a way that average-thinking males never have, not even close
." She ran her hand up his back and over his shoulder and stood on tiptoe and kissed him on the side of the jaw.

Setting the spatula
aside, Tyler turned and pulled Rose into his arms and kissed her square on the lips, and as he moved his mouth over hers, she kissed him back the way he'd hoped she would, as if there was no tomorrow. But when the kiss finally ended, she said, "That wasn't supposed to happen when I told you how I felt about you, but once we start in I just want to keep going, but everything with us is too fast, too complicated, and too problematical."

"Because I'm dyslectic?" Tyler
asked.

"
That makes absolutely no difference," Rose replied. "You're an amazing man just the way you are."

"Then we'll break for dinner, and afterwards we'll start working through the issues because I don't intend to back out of your life
." Picking up the wine he held it with the Whispering Springs label facing her, and said, "Do you like wine?"

Rose looked at the bottle for an inordinate amount of time, brows gathered,
and replied, "It's one of your family's wines."

Tyler nodded. "Is that a yes, or a no?"

"Well, I'm not sure," Rose replied, continuing to stare at the bottle, her frown deepening.

Tyler set the bottle back on the table. "I don't like wine either," he said, "but since I'm trying to court you, I thought I'd give it a try."

Rose smiled in amusement. "That's what this dinner is all about? You courting me? Do you realize how antiquated that term is?"

"Look, I told you I wasn't very good at this and I asked you to cut me some slack, so will you do that?" Tyler asked. "I'm even wearing the new silk shirt my grandmother gave me two years ago, which isn't working because Tundra didn't growl this time."

Rose ran her palms up the silky fabric of his shirt. "I noticed the shirt and it looks very nice on you, and Tundra didn't growl because I used up all my adrenaline running up here, and I did that so Tundra
wouldn't
growl because you were getting a very big head."

Tyler smiled broadly. "Okay then since we've established that I do in fact raise your heart rate and send your blood pressure up because you think I'm a really hot guy, can I have one more kiss before dinner?"

Rose's response was to curve her arms around Tyler's neck and kiss him long and hard.

As the kiss held, and Tyler felt the womanly
curves in his arms, and smelled the sweet scent of roses all around her, he began moving his hands over her back and up her sides, and when his thumbs traced the outer swells of her breasts and she let out a little murmur of acknowledgement, he knew if he didn't stop what was happening he'd be saying and doing things he'd regret because his thoughts were straying into very dangerous territory, and his goal for this particular night was to sit nestled together under a canopy of stars and gaze up at them and talk.

He'd come to the conclusion
earlier that they did have things to sort out, mainly from Rose's point of view because his lifestyle wasn't all that complicated. But if he expected her to welcome him into her life, there would have to be some clarification about things, mainly how to convince her that even though he didn't buy into her Indian beliefs, it was fine with him that she believe anything she wanted within reason, and so far, he hadn't heard anything he couldn't live with.

He also wanted to talk about his feelings for her
. He wasn't at ease with the kind of words women would want to hear, like the endearments his brothers used with their wives, but he had no problem talking with affection to his mares, so he'd think of Rose in that light and do the best he could. But he wanted her to understand where he stood and know that he wanted her to be a part of his life, and for her to be exclusive to him.

Where they
'd go from there he wasn't sure, but for the moment, she was dominating his thoughts, and unless they could come to some kind of understanding, he felt trapped in a kind of love limbo where he was afraid she'd find someone else before he could prove to her that they were right for each other. It was odd thinking along those lines, but once the idea had taken hold, he couldn't seem to shove it aside.

After clearing the table and washing the dishes, Tyler grabbed a flashlight from the kitchen counter, took Rose by the hand, and said, "I'm taking you to a place where we'll have a clear view of the night sky."

A
s they left the stable and started through the pasture, with six mares accompanying then, Rose said, "I can understand why you love living here, but do you ever feel an urge to be more involved with people?"

"
No," Tyler replied. "With all the clutter in my head I don't want clutter around me, and people seem like clutter. They come with electronic gadgets and cell phones and talk over each other, and when the kids are with them, it's worse. Here, it's quiet and uncomplicated. My whole objective is to give less meaning to things and focus on what's important."

"What is important to you?" Rose asked.

"I guess to figure out why I'm here," Tyler replied. "It hasn't made much sense so far."

"
You were created the way you are for a reason," Rose said. "You have a gift of communicating with animals, so maybe you're here for your mares."

"That's pretty much the way I figure it," Tyler replied.

"Then on the other hand, maybe your mares are in your life to help you understand why you're here."

Tyler looked askance at Rose. "And Diana too, I suppose."

"You're trying to get answers, so you shouldn't shut the door to any possibilities."

Tyler said nothing because Rose was returning to an area that made even less sense than he did to himself.
As they walked, hand in hand, he looked up at the evening sky. The hillside had been logged a few years back, so it was bald of trees, and the sky opened up into a panorama of billions of stars that were only barely visible in the twilight, but would become increasingly more brilliant as night took over. "They don't get this view down at the ranch," he mused.

Rose
also looked up, and pausing momentarily to take it all in, she said in a contemplative voice, "It's absolutely breathtaking, like at the ocean, with a sky that goes on forever. How much further did you want to go? It seems perfect here."

"
Just ahead is a stump for me to lean against, and I'll be your backrest," Tyler said. A few steps farther, he lowered himself to the ground and leaned against the stump of a large fir tree and opened his arms for Rose to sit between his knees, and after she settled against him, he closed his arms around her, and she tucked her head beneath his chin.

While sitting silently,
Tyler pondered the changes in his life. Until he met Rose, he loved the quiet solitude living where he was, alone with his mares. But now, he couldn't imagine life without her. Again he thought about the sacrifice Jeremy was making to be with Billy, and as he did, it became clear in a way he'd never before imagined. For Jeremy, it wasn't a sacrifice at all. It was simply the way it had to be.

For a while neither spoke, and there was nothing about the silence that begged
to be filled, yet Tyler felt more connected to Rose than he'd ever felt connected to anyone, including his mares. He wondered if it was the silence that connected them, with Rose's thoughts interweaving with his, or maybe it was the nearness, having his body wrapped around hers in a way that had nothing to do with the kind of nearness when a buckle bunny was having sex with him because during those times his body had never been wrapped around a woman the way it was with Rose. Whether he'd be sitting with Rose enclosed in his arms the way they were, or holding her and kissing her, it was more than a physical thing. It was like a spiritual bonding, an odd concept, but he didn't know any other way to describe it.

As he continued looking up at the night sky, he
pictured Rose living with him up on his mountain and sleeping with him under the stars. He wouldn't need the photo of Caesar's eye anymore because he'd want to be the best man he could be for Rose, which led to thoughts of his brothers and their wives.

With images
of them swirling in his head, he said, "Being out here like this I think about my brothers and the houses they built for their wives, with the latest appliances in their kitchens, and rooms filled with toys for the kids, and hot tubs and big-screen TVs, and there seems no end to what they want and think they need, and I can't help thinking they're missing what really matters. I have my place in the stable, and my mares, and the whole night sky to myself, and I don't need anything else beyond some basic necessities—" he nuzzled the side of Rose's face "—except to have you with me like this."

Rose snuggled closer
to him. "Maybe you've tapped into your Indian roots," she said. "Before Indians were forced onto reservations, most tribes didn't allow the accumulation of wealth, believing the lust for possessions would lead to a temptation to steal."

"What do you believe?" Tyler asked. "Is your dream to have a big house with all the things most women want, or would you be happy living a simple lifestyle?"

"I don't know," Rose replied. "I like Marc and Kit's house, and I like cooking, so having a kitchen bigger than what you have would be nice, but choosing between what your brother's have and living up here, I guess I'd have to say I'd rather be here."

Tyler
leaned around so his lips were close to Rose's face, and said, "Does that mean you'd consider a one-on-one relationship with me… forever?"

Rose turned
her head slightly, and replied, "Why me? Until now you've never been serious about anyone, yet you seem determined to build a relationship with me, and I don't understand what it is about me that you see."

Tyler let out a little soft laugh.
"If you really want to know, initially it was your bare back."

Rose
shifted around so she could look at him, and said, "What are you talking about?"

"You
sitting in the pool at Whispering Springs," Tyler replied. "I saw you that first day. I was standing in the entrance and you didn't know I was there. I watched you for a couple of minutes then backed out and waited outside until you were done."

"I was naked in there," Rose said.

"I know," Tyler replied. "I was hoping you'd turn around but you didn't. And no, I didn't see anything I shouldn't have. But that's not the reason I'm interested. It's everything I've learned since. You took home a wolfdog, even if it was a patently stupid thing to do, because you cared, and you're working for Marc and Kit because you want to pass on your heritage, and you're happy weaving beautiful baskets, and even though I don't understand half the things you believe, I'm trying to understand because I want to build a life with you. But you didn't answer my question. So, where do I stand with you?"

"
Well, you obviously get big reactions from me when you're around," Rose said, "and seeing you work with your mares makes me appreciate what an amazing man you are, and I love being here with you like this, and I'd be happy living up on this hill and sleeping under the stars while surrounded by horses, but there's still a big spiritual gap that needs to be filled, and that's what bothers me most."

"
I'm working on it," Tyler said. "In fact, I spent half the afternoon on the internet reading about animal spirit guides and I'm actually beginning to get a handle on it."

"You are?" Rose
turned and looked at him, even though his face was becoming masked in darkness. "Then you understand about the hawk being here?" she asked.

Tyler kissed her on the
forehead. "I'm not referring to the hawk. I'm referring to your animal guide, the wolf. The way I understand it, when an animal enters your life it's to teach you something that has to do with that animal."

"Well, at least you've
studied it some," Rose said, "but for the moment you really need to learn why the hawk is here."

"I'm not through with your wolf
spirit guide yet," Tyler replied. "I also read that the wolf spirit teaches balance between personal needs and those of the family and community, since wolves are loyal and committed to the pack, so when a wolf comes into your life it's because you need to examine your function within the community because the wolf could be telling you that you need to bring a better balance in your life and that balance could mean accepting new ideas." He couldn't help smiling because he'd managed to memorize all the mumbo jumbo, although he'd added the part about accepting new ideas.

"You just parroted
what you read," Rose said, "but if you're implying that Tundra came into my life to open my eyes to outdated beliefs in spirits, then you interpreted things wrong."

"Okay then, you tell me why Tundra came into your life
," Tyler replied. "If there
is
something to animal guides, you wouldn't have just found yourself at the animal shelter shortly before Tundra would have been euthanized, you would have been guided there at that precise time to connect with him and take him into your life, and that would have been for a specific reason."

"
You're absolutely right, and you just gave me a perfect example of an animal spirit guide," Rose said. "Haven't there been times in your life when things happened like a domino effect in that, if A hadn't happened when it did, B wouldn't have happened, and C wouldn't have happened, and D, the thing that was most important to you at the time, wouldn't have come into being?"

Rose could tell
from the long stretch of silence that Tyler was giving it serious thought. In fact, she'd be willing to bet he'd hit on something important in his life that came about after a series of connected incidents. "What are you thinking?' she asked.

Tyler shrugged. "Nothing really. It wasn't like you said."

"Was it close?"

Again,
there was a long stretch of silence. Then Tyler drew in a long breath, and said, "Okay, maybe it was a little bit like you said. It happened a few weeks ago when I was sitting in the spring, listening to the sounds while trying to figure out where they were coming from."

When he offered nothing more, Rose said, "And?"

Several moments ticked by before Tyler replied, "I suddenly felt lonely, and I thought that maybe having a woman in my life would be good."

"You said it was several weeks ago?
Was it before or after we met?"

Tyler
eyed her with uncertainty, like he didn't want to answer, and when she said nothing, and just kept waiting, he said, "Okay, it was a couple of days before I found you at the spring."

"
So, what made you decide to go back when you did?" Rose asked.

There was another long pause before Tyler replied,
"I found my hammer and chisel. I already had the idea about opening fissures but my hammer and chisel were missing from my toolbox and I couldn't remember where I'd left them, so when I spotted them on a cross beam in the stable, I headed for the spring. But a better question is, what made you go there early that same morning?"

Rose wasn't sure she wanted to tell Tyler
exactly
why she went, but when she didn't respond, Tyler said, "I've been answering your question so you need to answer mine."

Rose shrugged. "
It's just that I wasn't planning on getting into this now because with your present mindset you wouldn't give it any credibility."

"I tol
d you I'm trying to understand you," Tyler said, "so tell me. I'm listening."

Rose took
a long breath to settle her heartbeat, which had more to do with sharing something with Tyler that she wasn't ready to share with him, than his nearness, and started in. "When I was thirteen my grandmother told me that if I lived a pure life, my one true love would come to me in a dream, and he'd have long hair and be riding on the backs of white horses. The morning I slept on the beach I was just coming out of a deep sleep when I saw you running your horses in the surf. I thought I was having a lucid dream, which is when you're dreaming and you know it's a dream. It was so disturbing, I went to the spring with my incense to try and get some answers as to why the dream came when it did, and when I stepped out of the cavern, there you were with your long hair, and later, when I saw you in the meadow standing on the backs of your mares, it was like in the dream, except that it never was a dream."

"Then what your grandmother told you hasn't come true
because you were never dreaming," Tyler pointed out. "But here I am. That should mean something."

"I know
, but it's confusing," Rose said, in all honesty. "Maybe the dream will still come and this is just A and B of the domino effect."

"Then I'll fill in C and D
," Tyler said. "C was when you went to the spring, where we first met, and D was when something led you to the meadow where I was working my mares so you'd know I was your one true love, and we're here together tonight to reaffirm that."

"
That's your take on it," Rose said, her heart beating heavily at what Tyler had just said, in effect telling her he loved her, in a roundabout way. "But I still haven't had the dream, and now I need to figure out what Tundra's message to me is."

"
Okay then what about this," Tyler said. "I read that a lone wolf in the wild symbolizes freedom, while a wolf in a pack symbolizes community, so when a wolf comes to you alone or in a pack it's asking you to acquire the same state in your own life, so since Tundra came to you as a lone wolf, his message is for you to separate from your family and allow yourself to be a part of someone else's life. Mine."