Forever (3 page)

“I don’t know, Footer. I don’t know,” Roni said. Her cheek was against his and suddenly he realized she was crying. But he didn’t say anything. By this time it was after 1 a.m.

“I’m going to the little girls’ room,” she said. “I’ll be right back.”

Scott was looking out the window, so he didn’t see what she did before she left the room. When she came back, she was carrying the jeans, the sweater and the white shirt, all neatly folded.

She was wearing Scott’s high school football jersey. She must have grabbed it on the way out. The burgundy jersey hung nearly to her knees, and the bottom of the white number 73 almost reached her waist. The white “STAMPEDERS” hung across her chest, and it was obvious her bra must have been neatly folded in the pile as well. With the baggy black ski socks she was wearing, she had never looked more adorable.

Roni set the clothes down. “OK, get this straight,” she said. “I’m tired and so are you. It’s too damn cold, late and snowing too hard for me to walk back. You are not, under any circumstances, going to score here; we don’t need that complication right now. Now, let’s have another bowl and go to bed.”

Scott stripped to his boxers and sat down in the love seat. Roni plopped down next to him and leaned her head against his chest, pulling an afghan over them. They passed the bowl back and forth as they listened to the Taylor 8-track, which was now on its second trip through.

The bowl burned out and Roni set the pipe on the spool. “C’mon, Footer,” she said, standing and grabbing his hand.  “Let’s go to bed.”

She stood up, took his hand and led him over to the single bed. She switched the tape to Elton John’s “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” turned off the room light, and clicked on a couple of Coors bar signs on the wall. As Roni snuggled into him, she reminded him, “I’m still afraid of the dark.”

He smiled. She gave him a peck on the lips, snuggled her head onto his shoulder and draped her arm across his chest. He pulled her close and soon they were both sound asleep. It all felt so natural.

Elton John was singing “Harmony” as Scott stirred about 7:00 a.m. At first things seemed normal, until the memory came roaring back. He was alone. On the spool was a folded piece of notebook paper, with “Footer” written in Roni’s distinctive script.

He opened it.

“Scott,

Thanks for letting me stay and thanks for trusting me with everything. I wish I had more answers for you, and it makes me sad to see you like this. I’ve missed watching you kick a football and missed seeing you around. Yeah, I know that’s mostly been me, but that’s another
story for another day. Just be safe and please take care of yourself. And you do still have a lot of people who care about you. I should know. I’m one of them. I’ll find you somewhere.

Love,

Roni

P.S.: Oh, and I have your jersey. I’ll wash it and get back to you when I see you.

And that was it. He tried to call her later that day, but her roommate said she was at the art building. At that point, he realized what she meant; “I’ll find you somewhere,” was her way of saying when the time is right, she’d find him.

****

CHAPTER 4

Scott kept turning the envelope over and over, just staring at it and looking at the handwriting. In two-and-a-half weeks in the Army, he already received more than his share of mail. But that was from his Mom, his sisters, aunts and cousins, Maggie and some of his wrestlers. But this was different; it was from Roni.

He almost didn’t want to open it. Sealed, the letter was safe, but he also had to know what it said.

Finally, he carefully pealed up the back of the envelope and pulled out the pages.

March 27, Sunday Night…

Dear Scott,

Yeah, see, you know when I said I’d find you somewhere? Sorry I’m just getting around to it. I kept thinking you’d show up on campus or I’d finally call you back or something. Then I’m home Friday and I see the paper. And there’s you in a funny hat and no hair and looking really sad, and all I could think of was, ‘what the fuck?’

So I went right back Saturday and went to Maggie and Rick’s. Of course he was gone, but she and I made daiquiris in the blender and ordered pizza and wrapped up in blankets and
talked about lots of stuff (mostly you and sometimes Rick). Then guess what comes on TV? GUESS! “Tribes.”

Of course, we start watching, then I start crying, then she starts crying and then I want to kill Darren
McGavin, then I want to kill Earl Holliman. Then I want to kill you because we’re crying because we’re watching this movie because you’re down there with no hair and a funny hat and looking really sad. Then I got scared because I hated that you might going through what Jan Michael Vincent is going through. Then I got mad at me because I got mad at you. And then Rick comes in and Maggie and I are drunk and crying and cuddled up in blankets and watching this stupid movie and he actually managed not to be a jerk. He just kept telling us you were OK, and that stuff wasn’t happening to you. We had a little smoke and I calmed down and slept on their couch. Oh, and I’m a bridesmaid now!

Are you OK, Footer? I’m sorry if I wasn’t there for you if you needed to talk. Rick said you talked to him about the Army and you said you wanted to do it, but he said he knew you were lying, too. I’m assuming he’s right. But you’re there now, and I’m guessing nobody can do anything about it. So if that’s the case and you’re stuck there, then I’m going to tell you some stuff, because, well, I want to and you can’t go anywhere.

First, I don’t know how you felt about that night I stayed with you, but it meant more to me than you can possibly know. I’ve never felt that safe in someone’s arms. Hell, it might have been the first time I’ve ever spent the night with someone where we slept that way all night. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that close to someone and it felt so good. When I woke up that morning, it was as if we hadn’t moved. It felt wonderful, and I wanted to stay right there, but I thought it’d be better if I left. Maybe I was wrong.

Second, for the record, Maggie finally told me you still have a crush on me (Rick was pissed when he found out she told me, but I told him to stay out of it; girl stuff, you know). You
dumbshit! Why have you never said anything?  I mean, I knew you did when we were kids, but I didn’t know you still did. I mean, with you there and me here, there’s not much we can do right now, but we can talk about stuff. The thing I want you to understand is that I’m not very good at relationships and stuff, and that’s something I just have to get over, I guess. There’s just been a lot of shit and I guess I have to work that stuff out or something. But I guess I have a couple of months, right?

Last, why do you still care about me? I have teased you and picked on you and probably given you more reasons to hate me over the years than I can count and you still like me? Are you crazy? I mean, I’m glad, because you really are one of the few people left I actually trust. Yes, trust. And you have no idea how much that means to me. It means more than like and love and lust all that shit. I promise I’ll explain this all to you some day. I slept in your arms all night and you didn’t make a move (although I did feel you rubbing your fingers on my boob before we went to sleep; I’ll give you that one). You respected me and let me care for you when you needed me. It just means a lot.

OK, well, I’m going to go; it’s 11:00 and I haven’t finished reading my Humanities yet. Please write me back and tell me what’s happening. Please tell me you’re OK. And please tell me if you’re not.  I know I can’t fix it from here, but if you’re not OK, I at least want to wish I could do something. Promise me, OK?

If I don’t hear back by next Wednesday, I’m coming down there and breaking you out. OK? Oh, and I’m wearing your jersey. I’ll wash it.

Love,

Roni

P.S. – Oh, this is just mean, but…

You know how I didn’t have my bra on under your jersey? I didn’t have my underwear on either. And, when I woke up that morning, for a moment, I was standing there in front of you completely naked (other than the socks). But you were asleep. And, since you’re trapped down there for two months with nothing but guys, you MIGHT want to just put that out of your mind for now. For now…

Bye-bye, Footer….Ha! Ha!

Now it was three months since that night in his dorm room. And there was an envelope in his hand with her return address on the front, and a bunny saying hi! For the first time in months, he felt something strange in his body. It was his heart beating.

Scott sat on the edge of bunk, staring blankly at the pages. His mind was going in about 15 directions at once and he was trying to grab hold for dear life. He was picturing Roni and Maggie, in sweats, on the puke green couch he and Rick found at St. Vincent DePaul’s, pizza box and daiquiris (in those big-assed beer schooners they’d swiped from Happy Joe’s). They’re
hammered (and Maggie hardly ever drank) and watching that goddamn movie. Scott had always loved “Tribes.” Not so much anymore.

He choked up a little when he thought about them crying, especially Roni. She always tries to act to so damn bad ass, he thought. Now that’s twice she’s cried about him. Scott always thought she was too tough for that. Maybe not…

And, as Roni predicted, the image of her standing naked in the middle of the room in front of him wasn’t going away for awhile. But she said, “…for now.”

She’d said so much in a little less than a 1,000 words, but not too much. She talked about feelings and the future and going forward, but there was no commitment. She talked about relationships and working at them, but didn’t say they had one. And as much as Scott wanted it to happen, he knew it was not the right time to talk about it. There was lots of time and this wasn’t a letter subject; that was at least voice-to-voice, if not face-to-face.

Lights-out was coming up, but Scott was in no mood for sleep. He knew there was no way he could sleep until he answered her letter. He had to pretty quickly; for some reason, he actually had visions of her showing up in a week trying to get on the Fort and break him out of there. After all these years, he wouldn’t put anything past her. It was both cute and frightening at the same time.

After everyone had crawled into their bunks, Scott took his notebook out on the back dock of the barracks, and huddled in his blanket, under a single security light and started writing.

March 31, Thursday Night…

Dear Roni,

First of all, thanks SOOOO much for the whole naked thing. God, the shit I don’t sleep through. But yeah, that isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Thanks. I think. Second, you’re damn right you’re going to wash my jersey.

OK, on the important stuff. I wasn’t lying to Rick when I said I wanted to do this. I was lying to myself. It just all happened kind of fast. I was going into Christmas with basically no future. Dad was on my ass; I wanted to go to a community college and try and get my grades back up. I had money in the bank and Connel had said if I was going to be around, I should come help with wrestling. But the old man didn’t want to hear about it. He said they were hiring at the stockyards, and I wasn’t about to do that, so he said, fine, join the Army. So I did. On the 22nd I went to talk to the recruiter and on the 30th I was in Denver taking my physical and committing to go. This got me the GI Bill and stuff before Ford ended it.

I showed Dad, didn’t I? Yeah, well…

I’m not going to go into all the details here, but yeah, it’s pretty much sucked. And yeah, it’s kind of like “Tribes.” They scream in our faces and call us dumb motherfucker and maggot and piece of shit and whatever else comes to mind. And yeah, my haircut took all of about 30 seconds. And when I read your letter tonight, I had just finished puking up three dozen chocolate chip cookies. But that’s another story.

But here’s the funny thing: Up until about an hour ago, everything in my life sucked. I think I’d actually hit bottom. Then all of a sudden I’m reading about you and Maggie’s drunken movie night, and you being naked and you being in the wedding, and you being naked, and Maggie telling you about my crush, you being naked, and our night together and you being naked. Wait, did I already say that? Thanks a lot for that…

Look, it’s not your fault I’m here; you guys were gone over Christmas and everything happened pretty fast. At the point I did this, I’m not sure anyone could have stopped me. Most people didn’t even know about it. It finally got around the wrestling team about three weeks before I left; I’m surprised Brooke didn’t know.

Roni, please believe me when I tell you I didn’t want you to find out this way. I didn’t even think about that picture being in the paper until just now; we had to send this whole thing home stating we were here and safe.

As for the crush, well, yeah; I’ve never not had a crush on you. But, I’m an idiot, and shy about certain things, and I guess it’s always been enough for me that you’re my friend and in my life; especially the way we’ve been lately.

As far as why I still have the crush, well, I don’t know why I breathe, but I just do. Oh, don’t get me wrong; you have been an absolute bitch to me sometimes, but I guess I can see beyond that. You have so much good in you, Roni. You just seem so scared to show that part of you. You should do it more; you’re actually pretty good at it.