Forever Blue (13 page)

     I backed away from her with
my heart racing. “Oh...um…Ruth and I were—”

     She pulled me in close and took a whiff of my hair. “Oh my God. Have you been smoking?”

     “Now you’re going to accuse me of smoking?” I screeched with an exaggerated look of hurt and disbelief. I turned around, ready to walk away. “I'm out of here.”

    
Mom
grabbed my arm and twirled me around with a slight hiss of disgust. She looked
me straight in the eyes, she said, “Don’t you walk away from me, young lady. I know an ashtray when I smell one.”

     My stomach clenched at the sound of her firm and terrifying tone. “You’re imagining things,” I protested. “You probably enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke
because it reminds you of Dad.”

     “How dare you. Do you want to end up in the grave alongside your father?”

     I rushed to my bedroom and slammed the door, remorseful for treating Mom so cruelly.

***

    
I stepped up my wild behavior by ripping off liquor stores with Rochelle
in those next few weeks.
It started with pocketing meaningless items such as gum   and candy. By then, I
was
experimenting with marijuana. I only smoked weed early in the day so
that
it wore off before Mom got home—another trick Rochelle taught me.

     One afternoon, Rochelle was nowhere in sight. The issue in question was whether she decided to make her once-a-month appearance at school. I blew off the notion and headed back home.

     I gingerly slipped my key into the lock of the front door.
My heart almost stopped after stepping inside the house,
Mom was sitting
on the couch teary eyed.
She clutched a small wad of tissues, and
stared back at me in bewilderment.

     I had no clue how
was I going to pull this one off.

    
“Mom? Uh—what are you doing home so early?”

     “Maybe I should be asking you the same question.”

     
I strived
to appear calm and collected.
“I felt sick, so the school nurse sent me home. She said something’s going around.”

    
“Is that so? Well, the store was slow today, so they cut half the staff and sent us home early. If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have been here to receive an interesting phone call.”

    
My worst nightmare
had come
true.

    
“The school informed me that my daughter was marked absent. I told them they must be mistaken. I dropped you off myself this morning. Then, to my confusion, they said they were happy you were finally feeling better. Again, I thought they had the wrong girl. They proceeded to tell me that for the past month, I’ve been calling up the school and excusing your absences. I told them that was ludicrous. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I find out you’ve been missing school for the last two and half months.”

    
“Mom, I—”

    
She
shot me the most chilling glare that stopped
me mid-sentence. “What are you trying to do to me, Alexa?”

    
“This has nothing to do with you.”

    
“It has nothing to do with me? But you enjoy making me suffer more than I already have?”

    
“Mom, don’t play the sympathy card,” I said, rolling my eyes.

    
“Listen to the way you’re speaking to me. This is not my daughter,” she said, on the verge of tears. “All this sneaking behind my back, the smoking, and your attitude change these last few months. It’s like someone has invaded your body and taken the real Alexa away from me.”

    
“Whatever. I’m the same as I’ve always been.”

    
“You’re in denial.”

    
“Whatever.”

    
“I realize all this acting out is because of your father’s death, but your behavior is totally out of control.”

    
“My behavior? You should talk. What have you been doing for the last eight months, Mom?” I yelled back at her. “Why don’t you tell me!

    
Mom pointed a fierce finger at me. “Don’t you dare throw this back at me.”

    
“So it’s okay for my mother—the one who is supposed
to be setting the example—to lay
around bawling her eyes out every morning to the point where she can’t even get out of bed? You’re such a hypocrite.”

    
Mom’s hand slapped across my cheek with an air of supreme authority.
“Don’t you ever talk to me like that again.”

    
The sting of that slap lingered like a numbing toothache. I was in shock. Never in my life had Mom been physical with me. “We’re done talking,” I said simply.

    
“I have only a few more things to say. Then you can go do whatever it is you insist on doing these days.”

    
“Right,” I said as my eyes filled
with tears.

    
“We’ve both had to make sacrifices this past year, Alexa. Do you think I enjoy working at that Godforsaken grocery store for measly minimum wage pay? Do you think I’m happy with skills that only involve cooking and cleaning and having people treating me like an invalid because of it?  You think you’re the only one suffering, but you’re old enough to know that your actions not only hurt you but me as well. Is that you want?”

    
“No,” I said quietly. “That’s not what I want.”

    
“You’ve missed almost three months of school—nearly a semester! Do you know how that makes me feel?” She stared at me with tear-ridden eyes. “What kind of mother doesn’t have the slightest clue that her daughter hasn’t been to school for two and a half months?”

    
“It’s my fault, Mom, not yours.”

    
“No, it’s my fault. I’ve been so selfish and completely caught up in my own emotions. But now, that’s all going to change.”

    
I hung my head low, feeling foolish and embarrassed.

    
“We’ll be meeting with Principal Marsh tomorrow morning. I can tell you right now that it doesn’t look good.”

***

    
The next morning, we sat in Principal Marsh’s puny office. Ironically, it was the same scenario I experienced almost three months earlier. Only that time was a mere warning. He turned his attention to my file in front of him and looked over it meticulously.

    
While Principal Marsh scrutinized my whole high school career, I studied the framed photos scattered across his desk. I couldn’t tear my eyes off the picture of him with his young son at the park or another photo of him and his wife at the beach. Principal Marsh looked content
in each photo,
oblivious to the reality of anything ever happening to his perfect family. What a fool, I thought.

    
“Before we talk about Alexa’s future here, there is something I feel the need to bring up.” Principal Marsh took off his glasses. “I would like to be frank.”

    
“Certainly,” Mom said, sitting up straight and dignified. “Please speak freely.”

    
The principal turned his gaze toward me. “Alexa, I know you’ve been chummy with Rochelle Woods.  In my opinion, she couldn’t be any worse of an influence on you.”

    
Mom's eyes darted back and forth. “Rochelle Woods?” she asked. “I’ve never even heard of a Rochelle.”

    
“Rochelle Woods is a senior here. She has serious problems at home and at school. Alexa seems to have made herself familiar with Ms. Woods in some capacity.”

    
I suddenly recalled not seeing Rochelle the day before. “Wait—what happened to her? What did you do?”

    
“Rochelle’s been taken to jail. She was caught shoplifting at a clothing store yesterday.”

    
Mom shot me a look of disbelief.

    
“Mom! Stop looking at me like that.”

    
“According to Alexa, this was the girl who called the school and got her absences excused,” Principal Marsh explained.

    
Mom’s mouth dropped. “This just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it?”

    
Principal Marsh turned his attention back to my personal file. “Now, let’s get to more important things, shall we?” He opened my folder, scanned the contents once more, and then closed it. “I wish I had better news.”

    
“What do you mean?” Mom asked.

    
“Like this school sucks,” I announced.

    
Mom faced me, her eyes ridden with disappointment. “Alexa, you are on thin ice with me. I suggest you can it.”

    
“Alexa has missed a semester of school this year, and being that it’s so close to graduation—”
Principal Marsh paused for a second and
cleared his throat. “What I’m trying to say is that it will be nearly impossible for her to make up her grades.”

    
“So what are you getting at?” Mom asked.

    
“It’s best that Alexa be expelled, and removed from school.”

     
“What? You can’t do that!” I protested.

     
“Alexa, I told you two and a half months ago that if you didn’t shape up, that there would be consequences for your actions. You didn’t shape up, and here we are.”

    
“There has to be another alternative,” Mom said in a calm matter.

   
“This school can’t subdue itself and be held responsible for students who choose to practice delinquent behavior.”

    
“Delinquent behavior? I ditched a couple times. So what?”

    
“Like I said, it would be unfeasible to make up three months of school and raise her GPA at the same time. I can recommend some good continuing education schools that will enable Alexa to still get her GED.”

    
“This is bullshit,” I shouted.

    
“Alexa!” Mom yelled back at me. “You aren’t about to see the light of day for a very long time.”

    
Principal Marsh simply stared at me with a look of pity. “I’m sorry. I wish there was more
  
I could do, but you were warned, Alexa. The decisions and choices you’ve made left us no option, I’m afraid.”

    
“Are you sure there’s nothing else?” Mom asked again. “Maybe you could just put her in detention for the rest of the school year?”

     
“No, I’m afraid not. Alexa is considered a liability, and we can’t continue to keep her here. I know your family has been through a great deal. I’m sorry it has to be this way.”

***

    
No one made a sound until we got back to the house. After several hours, Mom finally spoke. “Well, you’ve certainly done quite a number on yourself, haven’t you? What are you going to do now, Alexa?”

    
All I knew was that my world was crumbling around me. “I don’t know yet.”

     
“You just got yourself kicked out of school. What’s next?”

    
“I said I don’t know.”

    
“You’re almost eighteen. Soon, I won’t legally have control or responsibility over you anymore.”

    
I looked at the floor, unable to bring myself to look her in the eyes. “I’ll get my GED at one of those continuing ed. schools he mentioned.”

    
“And then what? You sit around here for the rest of your life?”

    
“No, I want to go to college.”

    
“You better start thinking of what you want to do with your life. God help you, I don’t want you to end up like me.”

***

    
On prom night, which I missed out on, Ruth asked me to do her makeup.
She brought up some interesting news
while I was dusting gold shimmer on her eyelids. 

    
“So did I tell you?” she began. “I got accepted to Berkeley.”

    
“Wow. Congratulations. I’m really proud of you.” As happy as I was for her, those same uneasy feelings—that fear of abandonment I had when Carter told me his good news stirred up inside me.

    
Ruth sensed the selfish worry I was trying to hide. “I know what you’re thinking,” she said. “Berkeley is upstate, but I’ll still visit during my breaks and on holidays. I won’t forget to email and call you.”

    
“You’ll do great, Ruth.” I stared at her perfectly blushed cheek and held a mirror in front of her face.

    
“You are really good at this, Alexa. I mean it. Your work looks so professional,” she said, touching her cheek. “Wow. Just gorgeous.”

    
“Don’t touch,” I reprimanded her.

    
“You should be getting paid for this like those girls at the mall do.”

    
That was still my little secret, and little did she know, I was already looking into it.

Guess
Who’s Coming to Dinner?

1993

    
Having a friend who attended the same school
with me
and lived
right across the street
really had its advantages. Carter and I had a lot of the same classes, so we often planned study sessions at each other’s houses. His mother, of course, was not too fond of this routine—or rather, she was not too fond of me. On more than one occasion, I overheard Carter and Mary bickering about me being in his room or why I couldn’t study at my own house.
There was no pleasing her no matter how hard I tried.
The woman didn’t like me, and I couldn’t do anything about it. To make matters worse, I got the feeling
that
she caused the arguments between the two of them on purpose.
I was privy to the way she manipulated Carter into doing things
that
he didn’t want to do. Fortunately, Carter wouldn’t budge when it came to our friendship, no matter how hard Mary tried to break it up.

***

    
Carter and I spent Sunday afternoon playing basketball and video games. Before we knew it,
the day
had
turned into early evening. Mary was out at Darren’s basketball practice that night, so I thought I would ask Carter to stay for dinner. Of course, Mom and Dad happily obliged, as they couldn’t think of a better dinner guest. I was always thrilled to set one more place setting since we rarely had guests over. I always looked forward to Sunday dinners because it was spaghetti night.
With Mom being half-Italian, she sure knew how to make an amazing
pot of pasta marinara and fresh garlic bread. The inside of my house always smelled like roasted garlic. Nothing was more comforting than walking into my home and the aroma of fresh herbs and ingredients hitting my senses like a tidal wave. Carter ate at my house several times before and loved my mom’s cooking—and I couldn’t blame him.