Read Forever for a Year Online
Authors: B. T. Gottfred
Forever for a Year (40 page)
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On the Sunday morning before sophomore year started, I was lying in bed, and I don't know whyâcrap, really, I couldn't explain whyâbut I just had to text her. Carolina. I hadn't texted her the whole summer. I texted Betsy Kwon every day. But never Carolina. I thought about Carolina every day. Of course I did. I mean, every stupid day. Really. But I never, not once, texted her. But today ⦠I just had to.
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TREVOR
Hi.
That's it. That's all he texted me. I had been waiting the whole summer for him to text me. I knew he had been dating a sophomore girl. Wait a minute. I guess she was a junior now. Because I was a sophomore. So strange! Sophomore. Sounds so old. Anyway. I decided I wouldn't text Trevor back until he texted me something more. Better. At least asked me a question.
Oh. No way could I wait. I didn't love him anymore. Okay. I did. But it wasn't like that. I had met a boy at soccer camp. His name's Greg. He's really nice. And really good at soccer and school. We've kissed a bunch of times but nothing else.
(Okay, well, one time after I drank my first beer Greg and I got, like, in our underwear and touched each other but nothing really finished, if you know what I mean. Yes, I drank a few times. I don't know why. I don't like it that much, but it's nice not to be the only one who doesn't. I hope Trevor never drinks. Nothing really happens to me. I just smile more. But for Trevorâit might make his darkness so much darker.)
Anyway. I just don't want to have sex or do anything really with Greg. Kissing is much simpler. And it's so easy to only kiss when I don't love him. I did learn to, you know, do it to myself by myself but the only way I could have an orgasm was if I imagined Trevor. Maybe that's why I was fine never doing anything more with Greg. I don't know. Never mind.
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So, anyway, the longest minute ever later, I texted him just because.
ME
Hi back.
TREVOR
Hi again  ;)
Annoying! But also kind of cute. My heart was racing.
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This is going so sound fucking stupid, but texts from Carolina felt like they were three-dimensional while texts from everyone else were just one dimension. Even Betsy's. Betsy's were funny and nice. But just ⦠not like Carolina's.
CAROLINA
Hi. Again. Back.
I could do this all day. I'm not kidding. I could sit here in my bed all day and just text one or two words to Carolina at a time. Cute, harmless stuff that made me think of her sitting there texting me. Man, that would actually be fun. It is the dumbest thing I've ever thought, but it's true. But instead of doing that, I did the dumbest thing I've ever done and texted:
ME
I miss you
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He misses me. Oh. My. Gosh. My dad was right. Our story wasn't over. It was just a chapter break. That was clever. I'm funny. Greg doesn't think I'm funny. Greg doesn't have my brain. Trevor has my brain. I miss him so much I want to die.
ME
I miss you. Back.
Maybe I shouldn't have texted that so fast. I was winning. I had him saying he missed me, and I should have made him wait. I should have. But no. I'm glad I didn't. Because I don't want to play games with Trevor. Not any boy ever. But one hundred million percent never Trevor. I want to be better than that. I want to be amazing. Always.
TREVOR
Can I come pick you up?
ME
Yes.
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I dressed so fricking fast I don't think I breathed until I was out of the house and driving to Carolina. Entering her neighborhood was like entering a video from my past life. I couldn't tell what was real and now and what was past and then I was parking. As I got out to go knock on her door, she was opening it up and there she was andâ
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He's looking at me like he used to. Like I'm the only girl in the world. This is happening. My whole body is floating over the ground. That's not true. But you know what I mean. I smiled at him. And I think my smile must have reminded him of all of who I was because Trevor just shook his head. A shake that said, “You are my soul mate.” I know this because I am. And he's mine.
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When we got into the car and closed the doors, I could smell her. Goddamn. It was her. Her smell. Betsy had been riding along all summer in my car but it never smelled right. Carolina. She smelled right. Because she smelled like Carolina. I don't know how to say this other than to just say it but that smell gave me the hardest hard-on I have ever had. Betsy and I hooked up and it was okay, I mean, it was fun ⦠but it was never this. Just sitting in the car looking at Carolina, smelling Carolina, was better than getting naked with Betsy.
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Trevor started driving, but he couldn't stop turning and looking at me. And I couldn't stop smiling from him looking at me. So we didn't drive more than four or five blocks before he stopped his car and put it in park and I was moving toward him as he was moving toward me and we kissed. Oh my gosh, we kissed. Nobody kisses like Trevor. He tastes perfect and our mouths just eat each other up, but in a beautiful, amazing way that's passionate and a bit crazy but also so comfortable and safe. So perfect. We kissed and we kissed and my head got light and I grabbed him and he grabbed me and we pulled each other so close. So close. I wanted to be naked and in his basement. I wanted to have sex. My body wanted to have sex. Oh my gosh. We really were soul mates.
And then I stopped kissing him. I don't know why. I thought of Greg maybe. Or maybe I thought of my dad. Of his story. My dad was ready. Then not. Then ready. Then not. Where was I? Where was Trevor? Don't think, Carolina! But I had already stopped. So then I pulled away. And I looked at Trevor. His mouth was wet and red. There was spit on his chin. I didn't want to wipe it off.
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Carolina stopped. Nothing could have stopped me. Nothing. I only wanted Carolina. I didn't care about our crap or our heaviness or anything. There was no one like her in the world. But she stopped.
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
“I don't know.⦔
“I want to kiss you so bad,” I said.
“I've been dating a boy,” she said.
“Don't tell me that! I don't want to hear that!” Bam. Bam. Bam. Images blasted through my head of Carolina kissing a boy. Images of Alexander, even though it wasn't him, I'm sure. Oh. Oh. Oh. Why did she have to tell me that?
“But we were going to tell each other everything,” she said.
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I shouldn't have mentioned Greg. But I should have. I didn't want secrets. Not from Trevor. Not if he was my soul mate.
“Trevor⦔
“I've been dating a girl.” He couldn't look at me. At least he didn't want secrets either.
“I know.”
“I don't love her.”
“I don't love Greg.”
“I love you, Carolina.”
“I love you too.” And then I had to ask. “Have you had sex with Betsy?”
He didn't speak right away. But I knew. Then he said, “I'm sorry.”
Oh. Gosh. Then I cried. I cried my first big cry since we broke up. My breath became fast and short.
Trevor tried to console me. Patting my arm and shoulder. But I just needed to let it out. I'd be okay. I just needed to let it go. He kept saying, “I'm so, so, so sorry.”
I shook my head. I didn't want him to be sorry. I didn't. It's okay. Boys have sex with girls even when they don't love them. Maybe girls do too. Maybe I would someday. But I think if a boy has sex with a girl he doesn't love, it also means he doesn't still love the girl he used to love. Maybe that's not true. Maybe it's all so complex you can't really tell what love really is. But I knew I didn't want to have sex with Trevor. Not now. I didn't even want to kiss him. Not now. If he could have sex with another girl ⦠I don't know. I really don't. I just knew our story wasn't just on a chapter break.
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I didn't have a hard-on anymore. That might sound weird to state, but it's just that two minutes ago I had never been more excited and now â¦
“I wish⦔ I started.
“Yeah?” she said.
“I wish⦔ But I couldn't say anything else. I looked at her face, and I loved that face so much that it hurt again. It hurt everywhere. It hurt so much I couldn't talk. I could only look at her and wish I loved her just a little less so ⦠I don't even know. It's all so fucking complicated and tragic and life sucks because you find someone like Carolina and it's all so perfect and life tricks you into thinking it will always be perfect and then when it's not, you're just supposed to accept that it never will be. But it was. Goddamn it. It was perfect. And you can't forget that it's not anymore.
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Trevor?
Yes?
I love you.
I love you too, Carolina.
I can see into your eyes right now, and I can see everything you're thinking.
I can see your thoughts too.
What do you think that means?
I don't know.
Are you mad at me, Trevor?
No. Are you mad at me?
No, I'm just so, so, so sad.
Are we over forever, Carolina?
I don't know.
I don't know either.
I miss you so much, Trevor.
Me too, Carolina.
So then why can't we be together?
Maybe someday?
Maybe â¦
Maybe not â¦
Oh gosh.
Crap.
You're my soul mate, Trevor.
And you're mine, Carolina.
Even if we never kiss again.
Even if.
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THE END
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Since Carolina helped out with the dedication, I invited Trevor to assist with the acknowledgments. But then Carolina heard we were getting together and asked (pleaded, really) if she could join us. It had been over a year since they last talked, so I expected it to be awkward having them in the same room again. And it was ⦠awkward. Very awkward. But it was also something else.
“Hi, Trevor,” Carolina said the moment she saw him, with a confident smile, like the smile of a woman who knows a man's secrets. It was very mature. Almost sexual. Which I really didn't think Carolina was capable of, but, like I said, it had been a year. A lot can happen in a year.
“Carolina,” Trevor responded, not looking at her. He kept his focus down on the circular table we had gathered around.
“Thanks for assisting me on this,” I said.
“Oh my gosh! Obviously! It's so amazing that our story got published!” It was nice to know Carolina hadn't changed completely.
“Yeah, man, congrats,” Trevor said. “But people won't be, like, showing up at school asking us if all that crap you wrote is true, will they?”
“No,” I said, but didn't explain why. Trevor was brewing hotter than usual. I needed to get this done before he blew. I got to the point. “So, you two know me about as well as anyone. Who do you think I should thank?”
Carolina shouted out first. Of course she did. “Your wife, obviously! She's smart and beautiful AND she's your soul mate and this is about soul mates!”
“This is about soul mates who break up, Carolina!” Trevor said. “So he should only thank her if they get divorced.”
“Trevor!”
“Okay, my wife. How's
Thank you first to Danica. You provided a foundation that gave my creativity the freedom to fly.
”
Trevor hated that. “So cheesy.”
“It's adorable! But also tell her you love her.”
(I love you, wife.)
“Fine, whatever. Just move on to the next person.”
“Your parents. You have to thank your parents, B. Your mom made you love books and your dad loves your books even though he doesn't love any other books, and of course, they made you,” Carolina said.
I nodded. “Yep, yep, so,
To my parentsâ
”
Trevor interrupted, “And your sisters, Pam and Lindsey, because Lily would be super mad if you didn't mention your sisters.”
I started again,
“To my parents and my sisters for their unconditional love and unwavering support even when they thought I was crazy.”
“That's funny,” Trevor said. He almost smiled too. Almost.
Carolina tapped the table with inspiration. “You have to thank Jessica Brody; she totally mentored you through every step of writing the book and finding an agent and everything.”
“Perfectly said, Carolina.”
“Man, wow,” Trevor said, “talk about your agent. A lot. Because no offense to your wife, but come on, without Jill Grinberg, you would be nowhere. She's the best agent out there, and for reasons I still don't understand, she chose to represent you.
And
she gives great notes,
and
she's nice, like, cool,
and
she calls you back super fast,
and
she even liked your sci-fi crap that was never going to sell.”
