Forever Is Over (82 page)

Jemma decided she would start the questioning and, like mental
foreplay, it all started in a g
entle, straightforward manner.

             
“
If I was your girlfriend, Richie Billingham, would you send me
flowers?
”

For most people this would probably be a nice, easy one, not for me.
I pulled a face. I didn
’
t like flowers, they took ages to grow, flowered for
hardly any time at all and then died.

‘
Here
’
s a bunch of flowers, they
’
re pretty much dead already, put
them in a vase and watch them droop!
’
- was my take on flowers.

             
I would have said
“
No
”
- but the point of the game was to try not
to. I hedged.

“
Sometimes.
”

Jemma frowned.

“
It needs to be a
‘
Yes
’
or a
‘
No
’
, Richie!
”

“
Well sometimes is a
‘
Yes
’
!
”

“
Not really!
”

“
Ask the question in a different way then!
”

“
OK. If I was your girlfriend, would you send me flowers every
Valentines Day?
”

I felt compelled to tell the truth.
“
No.
”

“
Take a shot then,
”
Jemma insisted.

I downed the first straight vodka.
Half jokingly, Jemma added,

“
I
’
m offended, Richie! Why wouldn
’
t you send me flowers every
Valentine
’
s Day?
”

I looked at Jemma
’
s beautiful face. It was hard to believe she had
just spent two years in jail.

“
Valentine
’
s Day would be my day off, Jemma! The other 364 days
a year, I would be romantic so I
’
d need a day off on Valentine
’
s Day!
It
’
s a commercial rip off anyway, just to pressurise men who sit on their
arses all year and do nothing for their wives to make a token effort. My
romanticism would be spontaneous!
”

“
Arrrr! Aren
’
t you sweet?
You should have said that first, I might
not have made you take the forfeit! Can I ask another one and you
answer again?
”

“
Go on. Oh good, Suedehead.
”

The introduction to one of Morrisey
’
s classics kicked in through a
very poor sound system.

“
If I was your girlfriend, would you wear make up if I wanted you
to?
”

Weird question.

“
What do you mean?
”

“
OK. If I was your girlfriend and we lived together and you were
going out with your mates and I wanted to dress you up in women
’
s
clothing and send you out with the la
ds wearing it. Would you do it?
”

“
Why would you want to?
”

“
To test the boundaries of your love for me! To see if there were any
boundaries to your love. Would you do it?
”

“
Not a chance! No!
”

“
So there would be boundaries?
”

“
Of course there bloody would! If you wanted to make a complete
arse of me, then sorry, I
’
m afraid I
’
d have to draw the line!
”

“
Luckily for you, I wouldn
’
t want to make an arse of you nor would
I want you to wear make up, but a
‘
No
’
is a
‘
No
’
! Take the forfeit!
”

             
Once again, I did what I was told. Vodka number two gone! Down
in one! I was now aware that I was pretty smashed. Not only that, I
was starting to feel that it was a stupid game and that I didn
’
t want to
play it.

“
I don
’
t like this game,
”
I moaned,
“
it
’
s daft. Can we stop?
”

Jemma was having none of it!

“
Come on, Richie! I
’
m enjoying it!
”

“
Yes, because you
’
re just asking stupid questions that I can
only answer
‘
No
’
to!
”

“
Well you ask the questions then!
”

“
I will!
”
I replied.

Game on! Jemma looked confident.

“
I
’
m ready for you!
”
she said, rubbing her hands.

“
If I was your boyfriend and I developed an addiction to cheeseburgers
and cream cakes and as a result, I became a bed ridden eighty seven
stone hippo and I then asked you to climb in to my specially made bed
so that my humungous eighty seven stone frame and my sixteen bellies
could make love to you,
”
I paused for breath,
“
would you get in?
”

Jemma did not even hesitate!

“
Yes.
”

“
You liar! You would not!
”

“
I would! Looks aren
’
t important to me, I went out with Ray
remember!
”

I thought about it.

“
I can
’
t argue with that!
”

“
Ask me another.
”

If I was going to lose this game, I thought I might as well get some
sort of enjoyment out of it. I decided to go down in a blaze of glory. All
the testosterone fuelled questions that had crossed my mind in the last
two years but had dared not ask, were now going to get their one and
only vocal outing.

“
OK, if I was your boyfriend, would you satisfy every single one
of my desires?
”

“
Yes, absolutely!
”

“
Absolutely? No matter how mad or bizarre they were?
”

“
Yes!
”

“
Be warned, Miss Watkinson, if I ever become your boyfriend, I
will be reminding you of this conversation and I
’
ll hold you to it!
”

             
“
You can!
”

“
So, I could do pretty much whatever I wanted to do to you and you
would be fine with that?
”

“
Yes.
”

My imagination was running wild. Now I was turned on.

“
As much as I like that answer, Jemma, I am finding it hard to
believe! You may have a good poker face, but the aim of the game is to
tell the truth, not to be a convincing liar.
”

“
Look, if you were my boyfriend, I would trust you enough not to make me do something I did not want to do. So, yes, I would satisfy
every single one of your desires, because I trust you.
”

Wow! Things were looking up for me! I still needed to get Jemma to
say
‘
No
’
though! I decided Jemma would be nailed on to be a possessive
type.

“
If I was your boyfriend, would you let me sleep with another
woman, with your prior knowledge and consent, if you did not feel up for it?
”

“
Yes.
”

“
You
’
re taking the piss now, Jemma! That
’
s a lie!
”

Jemma shook her head.

“
No, it isn
’
t! If you were my boyfriend, you would not want to sleep
with another girl and I would always be
up
for it, so of course I would let
you sleep with another girl, if you really wanted to, but I am telling you
now it would never happen!
”

“
An
d you expect me to believe that?
”

“
It
’
s the truth. I don
’
t particularly care if you believe it or not, it
’
s
the truth! You asked me three questions, I answered them all honestly
with a
‘
Yes
”
, you need to down another shot, Richie!
”

I took a third glass and a third vodka followed its Russian brothers
into my bloodstream.

“
I
’
m still not convinced you
’
re playing fair!
”
I said in a voice that was
becoming increasingly slurred.

“
Don
’
t accuse me of cheating! Remember what happened to your
brother when he accused me of cheating!
”

Kelly was not this tough! I was a little intimidated by Jemma, but I
also found her strength of cha
racter an attractive quality.

“
I wouldn
’
t dream of accusing you of cheating, Jemma!
”

“
I hope not!
”

“
You
’
re obviously just bloody good at the game!
”

“
Not at the game, Richie, I
’
m just bloody good!
”

“
We
’
ll see!
”

I drunkenly winked at her a couple of times.

“
Will we now! Don
’
t count your chickens before they flutter!
”

“
Before they flutter?
”

“
There was some crazy, posh old bird in Styal, who used to say that!
”

Jemma explained.

“
Anyway, all I
’
m saying is,
”
I was speaking in that slow, deliberate
way that drunks do,
“
that it
’
s no good claiming your engine purrs, if
you
’
re not going to let me drive it!
”

“
And all I
’
m saying is,
”
Jemma replied,
“
if you have a top notch
engine, underneath an outstanding body, you only want it to be driven
by an excellent driver! Are you an excellent driver, Richie?
”

I think I would have ruined the moment if I
’
d have confessed to
jerking and stalling all the time, so I came up with a line that would
not have been misplaced on
‘
Blind Date!
’