Forevermore (13 page)

“Pretty loud,” I agreed.

“It’s like that assignment in high school where you have to take home an animated doll to prove that you can take care of a kid. Only the doll malfunctions and cries all the time and you get an F.”

I laughed and gave her my best sarcasm. “Yes, it’s exactly like that.”

“Holy lungs,” Quinn whispered when she appeared at the other end of the kitchen with Jessie, Lauren, and Briony. They must have circled the house to come back in through the front door.

“You don’t have to whisper, Q,” Jess told her. “Nobody can hear anything with Summer around.”

Briony came over to slip her arm around my waist. I’d gotten comfortable enough at these dinners that I didn’t need her near me at all times as my touchstone anymore. But damn, it still felt nice when she was.

“Austy brought earplugs last time,” Lauren said. “I think I’ll follow her lead next time.”

“Or stay home like she did,” Jessie inserted.

“How’s Caleb really doing at your camp, Quinn? We barely get grunts from him these days.” Briony joked, although she wasn’t far off in her description. At least it was more from exhaustion than attitude this time.

“He’s been a great help,” Quinn replied. “He’s the only help I’ve got that isn’t trying to get a scholarship from me. I’m rethinking my hires for these camps from now on.”

Briony beamed with pride. I puffed up pretty big, too. We’d been a little reticent to have Caleb work at Quinn’s basketball camp because it wouldn’t be anything like his work at Willa’s, sitting at a table playing video games all day. He’d be outside in oppressive heat, running after balls, towels, water bottles, whatever Quinn and her assistant coaches needed. To hear he’d been doing well, treating Quinn the right way eased our minds.

I reached up to rub Briony’s back. She flashed a grin at me. “I’m glad he’s helpful.”

“The campers love him. You’re going to have a heartbreaker on your hands as soon as he starts dating girls, Bri.”

She chuckled and nodded. We’d worry about that when he finally starting showing some real interest beyond crushes on girls. For now, we were working on trying to get back to normal in our house. Having a distraction like Quinn’s basketball camp helped tremendously. Over the past week, our old pattern of life was starting to emerge again. Dinner together and some sort of game, board or sports in the backyard, then maybe a television show or two before we all went to bed. Happy, for the most part.

In less than a month, we’d begun to deal with our loss and make an effort at moving on. I doubted I’d ever fully accomplish that, but it was better than knowing my family was suffering daily.

19 / OLIVIA

IAN WAS TALKING TO
Aunt Nell about me again. About why I wasn’t more talkative or why I wasn’t making friends with the kids in the complex. He didn’t understand that a bunch of young boys and two older girls wouldn’t exactly want me around. He’d introduced me to all the kids that go to his church, but none of them lived near here. He wasn’t going to drive me to their houses, so until school started, I sat in my room and practiced my reading or went for walks around the complex.

I missed hanging out with Caleb, Eden, and Hank. They could make a boring afternoon fun. I didn’t want to miss them. I’d never missed anyone but my mom before, and now I was missing my friends. And I really missed Briony and M and how they’d help with homework or suggest games or activities to keep us from being bored. And I missed those wonderful Saturdays when we’d all do something special together.

My room didn’t feel like my room because Ian was at the desk three or four hours a day. When he wasn’t at the church, he was home. A lot more than Aunt Nell was home from her job. I stayed out of his way, in the living room, walking around outside, or helping Aunt Nell cook dinner. He spent a lot of time writing his sermons. Only a little more time than he spent reading them on Sundays. That was another difference. Most of my foster families made me go to church, but Briony and M never made me go. M went to church on some religious holidays, but she never forced us to go with her. Ian made us spend half the day on Sunday at church. We’d listen to him talk about whatever subject he wanted, lots to do with values and morals and how it was important to be part of the community. I found out that didn’t always mean helping others. It meant not being different. Then we’d sit in the church basement for another couple of hours in meetings with adults about tasks and gatherings. It was hard to keep my eyes open sometimes.

When one of his sermons went on about how being gay was wrong, I wanted to scream in the middle of church. I wouldn’t have liked what he said even before I’d lived with Briony and M. I’d never met anyone gay before, but my mom taught me not to be afraid of new things. I didn’t know if Ian’s problem was fear or if he’d had some bad experience before, but if he knew Briony and M or Willa and Quinn or Jessie and Lauren, he wouldn’t be saying some of the things he said.

My shoulders slouched as I pushed up from the floor and headed to the stairs. I couldn’t take them talking about me anymore, so I decided to do something I hated doing. I would lie.

“Aunt Nell?” I called out from the bottom of the staircase, giving them plenty of time to stop talking about me before I got to them. “Can I go over to the park at the end of the street? Janna invited me to play soccer with her cousins.”

“Oh? Who’s Janna?” Aunt Nell asked, clearly pleased.

“She knows one of the kids from this complex. They were over here yesterday.” That just popped into my head.

“Sure, Livy, have fun,” Aunt Nell said and smiled at Ian.

“Does she come from a good Christian family?” Ian stopped my turn to the door.

I tried not to frown. What did that mean? What was a bad Christian family? And if he ever met Eden, would I be allowed to hang out with her if he knew she was Jewish? I answered the way I thought he’d want me to. “I haven’t met her parents, but she and her cousins are very nice.”

“Tell them that they’re always welcome at my church. Be back by seven for dinner.”

“Okay,” I called and dashed out the door before I had to lie even more. Hopefully they’d be content that I had a friend and wouldn’t insist on knowing a lot about her. I’d have to make notes if I was going to come up with details.

Taking my time, I walked toward the park. It wasn’t exactly at the end of the block. More like three blocks away, but I didn’t want Aunt Nell saying I couldn’t go because it was too far. When I arrived, I spotted kids playing on the swing set and elaborate fortress. Off in the distance, a softball game played on. I could watch that game for a while. Maybe I’d run around the track a few times. Caleb had been training for the track team before I left. I went running with him every once in a while. That might be fun to start again.

So far, living with Aunt Nell hadn’t been the wonderful bonding over my mom experience I’d hoped it would be. She never talked about her. I showed her the memory book that M gave me. M and I had worked on filling it with the photos I had and jotting down the things I remembered about my mom. Things I never thought I’d forget like hair color, eye color, how she smelled, her favorite hobbies, but as the time passes, I’ve been forgetting more and more. The memory book would always be there for me to confirm the things I remembered. M could come up with a million questions to prompt memories for me to write down. When I showed the book to Aunt Nell, it just seemed to make her sad. Ian asked her once how old my mom was when she had me. The scowl on his face made it clear the subject of a sixteen-year-old mother was closed.

I wasn’t too young to see how hard it was for my mom. Her parents were really upset about her getting pregnant so young. They demanded she give me up for adoption. When she didn’t, they kicked her out of their house. She’d stayed with a family friend at first. Then she found another single mom to room with. Their different work schedules allowed them to switch off child care for a few years. We’d only been living on our own for three years before Mom’s car accident. We didn’t have much, but we didn’t need much either. She tried not to be angry with her parents for kicking her out, but I think she was. She never took the anger out on Aunt Nell, though. She was always happy to see her sister whenever Aunt Nell could sneak out.

I wondered if she’d still be happy to see her now. Ian took over everything we did. He had an opinion about everything. It was always what he wanted for dinner, what he needed to do after church, what time he wanted to do the things he wanted to do. I didn’t think my mom would have liked him, but she’d give him more than a month to get to know him before deciding that. I could do the same. I’d lived with foster families that I didn’t like. I could live with him.

I stepped up onto the bleachers to join the people watching the softball game. My shoulders relaxed, and I felt free for the first time since moving here. No one talking about me, shushing each other because I’d come into the room, lecturing about what was right and wrong. I could just watch the game. It wouldn’t be as fun as watching Hank and Caleb’s baseball team, but it would be fine for now.

20 / OLIVIA

THEIR ARGUMENT WOKE ME
up. Normally their disagreements didn’t last long, and Ian always got his way. It didn’t sound like that this time. They weren’t discussing how much the wedding was going to cost either. It was only a week away now. They talked about it nonstop all the time. My play dates with the imaginary Janna were getting more frequent just so I could get away from them.

“How could you do this to me?” Aunt Nell demanded.

“It was a mistake, sugarplum. A slip up. The bible says, temptation—”

“I don’t care what the bible says right now, Ian. You were unfaithful. We’re getting married next week. How could you do this to me?”

Unfaithful. Did that mean what I thought it meant? If so I didn’t think “good Christian folk” did stuff like that. Aunt Nell sounded really, really mad.

“My precious, please be reasonable. I was a fool. I will never do it again. You are the only one for me.” He sounded like he was pleading now. He never pleaded. “I was under so much pressure with this wedding and raising your niece. I lost my head for a moment.”

“With Angela? Why did it have to be Angela? She’s going to tell everyone. It’s humiliating.”

“She won’t say a word.”

Aunt Nell didn’t say anything for a while. I shouldn’t be listening, but I couldn’t believe they were fighting like this so close to their wedding. “I don’t care, Ian. You hurt me. I can’t possibly trust you now, and I can’t forgive this.”

“You have to, Nellie. Please. I made one mistake. God knows we’re all flawed.” His sermon last week was on human flaws. Totally lopsided, too. He had lots to say about women’s flaws but he only made jokes about men’s flaws. “You’re not perfect either. We’re both going through a transition right now. We’ve had to adjust to raising your niece. That’s been hard on both of us. She’s not easy. You know that.”

Great. Now I was the reason he was making Aunt Nell mad? Other foster parents would fight about us kids from time to time, but this sounded like Ian blamed me for him acting badly. That being my parent, which he so wasn’t, was the reason he made this kind of mistake.

“That’s no excuse,” Aunt Nell told him. My stomach hurt when she didn’t deny his words. Parenting wasn’t easy, I knew that, but she could have at least told him she liked having me here.

“I made a mistake. We love each other. We can get past this.”

“I’m just so angry with you. I thought you were different from the men my age. You’re a pastor and still you make this mistake. Do you know how many of my boyfriends have cheated on me?” Aunt Nell was almost screeching now. “All of them. It’s why I was so open to dating you, a pastor fifteen years older. I thought you would have gotten that out of your system. You said you loved me and still you sleep with someone else. We can’t get married now. Not when your secretary, the woman who has been helping us plan this wedding, was the person you slept with.”

Yuck. I’d met Angela. She smoked and smelled like the three cats she had. Ian had Aunt Nell who was much younger and prettier. Why would he bother with Angela? I so didn’t understand grownups.

“Sugarplum, you don’t mean that. We’re going to be married next week. Just please, sleep on it. I will make it up to you.”

“I’m not staying here tonight. I’d go to my parents, but they won’t let me in the house with Nina’s kid. We’ll stay at Paige’s. I don’t want to talk to you or see you tonight.”

Ian stayed silent for a while. “Fine. I know you’re angry. Take tonight. Stay with your friend. Olivia can stay here. You’ll come back tomorrow, and we’ll sit down when we’re less emotional.”

I crossed my fingers that Aunt Nell wouldn’t leave me here with him. I hadn’t asked her for much since coming to live with her, but I’d ask her to take me with her for sure.

“I’m just so mad at you, Ian. I can’t believe you’d be like all the others.”

“You know I’m not. You know this was a mistake. Take tonight. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

Aunt Nell didn’t say anything. I stood up from my perch on the stairwell and raced back to my room so she wouldn’t catch me listening. It didn’t take long before she came upstairs and stopped in my doorway. “Olivia, come on. We’re staying at my friend’s tonight. She needs some help.”

“Okay.” I didn’t care that she lied about why we needed to leave. I was just glad she was taking me with her without having to ask her. I grabbed my backpack and stuffed some clothes inside. I could live with this for as long as Aunt Nell needed to stay away. I felt guilty that I hoped it would be for a long time.

She went to her room and took much longer to pack than I had. I used the extra time to double check what I was taking. I wouldn’t want to force her to come back here before she was ready if I forgot something.

“Let’s go,” she reappeared at my door. She practically flew down the stairs. It was hard to keep up with her, but at least Ian didn’t try to stop us.