Forget About Midnight (25 page)

Jez scoffed, trying to lighten the mood. “So she gets to cruise in your car, and I get to dust your house. Don’t think I didn’t notice the favoritism there.”

He laughed then, and I managed to smile if only because the sound warmed me. How would I handle not hearing that precious sound?

“All right,” Kale said, flinging open his door. “Let’s get this over with. I’m not good at this shit.”

We all got out of the Jeep, and Kale started by grabbing Jez in a giant hug that forced tears from her eyes. A streak of mascara made its way down her cheek. Just watching her hold tight to him caused tiny pinpricks behind my eyes.

“You better call me every fucking night,” she demanded. “Don’t let Jenner suck you into his weird stage antics. It’s totally not cool. And if some bitch named Sloane shows up, tell me immediately. The bitch held a gun to my head, and I owe her one.”

Kale chuckled, and he held on a moment longer when she started to pull away. “Got it. Take care of yourself, Jez. Let Alexa help you. Help each other, ok?”

She nodded and stepped back, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “Call me the minute you land.” Without another word, she got into the Jeep and stared down the street, giving us as much privacy as possible.

An ache in my stomach made me worry that I might throw up. That would be ugly. When he turned to me with misty eyes, the last of my strength crumbled.

“Alexa.” My name was a ragged sigh on his lips. “God, this is killing me. I don’t want to do this. I just know I have to.”

I nodded even though I didn’t want to agree. “Yeah, I know. Part of me wants to beg you to stay, but part of me knows that things would only get worse. We would get worse. And we’re bad enough as it is.”

Kale tucked a strand of hair behind my ear before tangling his hand in my long locks. He pulled me close and rested his forehead against mine. We stood there like that in silence, just feeling one another.

Finally he said, “I love you too much to be the one who keeps you from being who you’re meant to be. But I will never forget everything we’ve shared. And I will never love anyone the way I love you.”

I groaned, his words evoking the deepest of emotion. Tears threatened, and I fought them so hard I trembled. My fingers dug into the leather of his jacket, and I searched for the words that I knew he needed to hear as badly as I needed to say them.

“I would do anything for you, Kale,” I started, voice quavering. “Part of you belongs to me because of what I am, but part of me belongs to you because of who you are. That part of me will always be yours, and it will never stop missing you.”

I broke then, unable to continue. The tears won the battle, spilling down my face in a torrent of red. My vision blurred, and my mind screamed for release from this horrible moment.

Kale kissed a few of the tears away before stroking a gentle thumb through the rest. “I’m not leaving you, Alexa. Please, don’t look at it that way. I’m setting you free.”

I wasn’t sure I could take much more. “Like I should have done for you. I’m glad one of us is strong enough.”

“No.” Kale shook his head. “Don’t blame yourself. We’re beyond that.”

I gazed into his fabulous eyes, hating that this was the last time I would look into them, for a while at least. “I don’t think I can ever be set free. I will always want you.”

“But I’m not the one, and we both know it.” Kale laughed, bitter and harsh. “Maybe it’s nothing less than what we deserve, after everything we’ve done. Especially me.”

I touched his face, guiding his lips to mine. “I thought we weren’t blaming ourselves.”

With a shake of his head, he fell silent. He kissed me with all of the feeling and passion of one who knew this kiss might be the last. That sweet, honey-drenched energy screamed with a torment so similar to what I felt in my soul. Maybe he was right. Maybe we deserved this pain.

The depths of his longing resonated throughout me as we clung to one another. I kept picturing him in that big, bright, and noisy city with Jenner, and it just felt so wrong. He belonged here, with me. Except… he didn’t.

I didn’t want to accept that. Couldn’t accept that. But what choice did I have?

“Promise me,” he said, his lips moving on mine as he spoke. “Promise me that you’ll keep working with Brinley and seek out others like him. They need you. That’s who you’re meant to be.”

My reply was forced, a broken mess of sound. “I promise. I will.”

“I’ll keep in touch,” he promised. “Unless that’s too hard for you.”

“No, I want you to.” Perhaps that was a mistake, but I just couldn’t let him go without knowing he was doing ok there with Jenner. Without me. Ugh.

He slipped his arms around me, and I rested my head on his chest. My bloody tears were making a mess of his shirt, but he didn’t seem to care. We stood there together under the night sky, the stars hidden by streetlights. If this were a movie, it might be the part where the credits started to roll, or perhaps a fade to black that opens on a new, happier scene. Well, fuck Hollywood for pushing that kind of romantic bullshit. There would be no simple wrap up here, no clean and tidy end to our story.

Kale pulled back with obvious reluctance. He cast a glance at the Jeep. “You should probably go so you two have some time together before sunrise. Keep an eye on her for me.”

“Of course.” I nodded, following his gaze to where Jez sat slumped in the Jeep, staring in the opposite direction.

“And one other thing,” Kale said, bringing my gaze back to him. “Don’t punish Arys for this. He’s trying to do what’s best for you both, as should you.”

Ouch. That kinda hurt. I didn’t expect him to throw the ol’ A-bomb around at a time like this, but I understood where he was coming from.

“I know.” I didn’t want to leave. Would it be so wrong to spend the day together? One last time in his bed together? Yes, yes, it would.

As if reading my mind, Kale said, “I wish you could stay, but if you did, I don’t think I’d have the strength to get on that plane.” He kissed me again with a longing that threatened to devour me. “I love you.”

Before either of us could change our minds about everything, he turned and walked away. I watched him go, wanting to chase after him, knowing I couldn’t. Quickly, before I could rethink it, I got into the Jeep. Unable to speak, I motioned for Jez to drive. She regarded me with concerned cat eyes but put the Jeep in gear and hit the gas.

When we left Kale’s neighborhood behind, I lost all control and began to cry with great, heaving sobs. I was scared to death to let him go, afraid the fragile thread connecting us would snap over fourteen-hundred miles.

Kale needed to be free of me. He deserved more. The inner demons that brought us together would never die if we didn’t quit feeding them.

We pulled into the parking lot of a strip mall about halfway to The Wicked Kiss. My sobs had subsided, and my tears had dried up, but my heart was going to hurt for a while.

“What are we doing?” I asked. “I need to get back to the Kiss.”

I did. I was jittery and anguished, in need of the escape I could only find in the kill. I wouldn’t do it at the club. Once I got to my car, I could take off and hunt down some unsuspecting craphead in a shitty neighborhood.

Jez turned off the vehicle and turned to me. “So you can take off and kill something. Right? I know that’s what you want, Alexa, because I want it too. Not the killing things part. The escape. The addiction.”

I met her gaze across the darkened interior. There was a sadness in her lovely green eyes, but they also held serious determination. She was right, and she knew it. And she was also ready to talk, not just about my issues but her own.

“It is,” I agreed. “And you’re right. It’s a hell of an addiction. One I don’t think I’ll ever kick. Not as long as I need it to survive.”

Jez scoffed and leaned over to punch my arm. “You need blood to survive. You don’t need the power trip and the trail of bodies.”

I winced and rubbed the spot she’d hit. “I beg to differ on the power trip part, but I’ll give you the trail of bodies.”

She was quiet for a moment. She seemed to be choosing her words carefully, and I knew this was going to get serious. Once she reached to take my hand, I started to grow worried.

“Lex, I’m having a really hard time kicking the drugs. And honestly, part of me doesn’t even want to.” Jez peered out the window as she spoke. Her hand in mine shook ever so slightly. “I need your help. And you need mine. If we don’t pull each other out of this black hole, we’ll self-destruct. Alone. I don’t want that to happen.”

I didn’t want it to happen either. And it could. It really could. “Me neither,” I said, stroking a thumb over the back of her hand. Her skin was warm. “You’re right. We need to have each other’s backs. I don’t want to be a slave to my desires, and I won’t abandon you with yours. We’ll take care of each other. Somehow.”

Her shoulders slumped as she visibly relaxed. A look of relief passed over her heart-shaped face. “I don’t want to dump my problems on you when you’re still transitioning, but there’s no one else I can share this with.”

“No, you’re not dumping. Don’t think that for a second. Please. I’m glad you told me. I want to be there for you.” I stared at our joined hands. I really loved this girl. So I had to tell her. “Jez, there’s something I need to talk to you about. It’s about that night when you ODed.”

She laughed and let her head fall back against the seat. “Why do I get the feeling this is something I don’t really want to hear?”

When Jez and I had gone through the files I’d swiped from Veryl, she’d been completely unfazed to discover her parentage was documented. She’d known all along that a demon had fathered her. At the time she’d seemed to shrug it off as something she’d accepted and ceased to think about.

“When I called the power to heal you, I had to really go deep and feel your energy.” I paused, knowing there was no way to say it other than to just spit it out. “I felt something dark inside you. It felt calm, dormant even, but definitely dark. Kind of like it was… waiting.”

Jez’s face crumpled up into something like disgust. She ran a hand over her hair and through her long, golden ponytail. “Motherfucker. I always knew it. Somehow I knew. Guess it was too much to hope that I wouldn’t be like him.”

“But you’re not like him, Jez. You’re you. Although, you may have some traits from him.”

The laugh that filled the Jeep was bursting with bitterness, loathing, and grim amusement. “It’s waiting to make me just like him though, isn’t it? You know what the most fucked up part is? I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams since then. It makes sense now. Whatever demon seed is in me, it’s waking up. I am so fucked.”

She was laughing but in a crazed, manic way. I gave her a minute to wind down. It wasn’t easy, that moment when she learned, without a doubt, that there was something demonic living inside her.

“You’re not fucked,” I said when she’d calmed down. “My power comes from demons. That’s how vampires were created. By the dark. And yes, it’s a struggle. But I’m not all dark, and neither are you. Whatever part of your father is inside you is just that, only part. You will handle this. I promise.”

“Yeah? Just like you’re handling it?” She wasn’t being unfair. There was no animosity to her tone. I would have doubted me too if I were her.

“I’ll be honest with you, Jez. The things I’ve done, the blood on my hands, it makes me wonder how I will face myself in the mirror when I hate what I see there. I was called to battle evil, but instead I’ve become it. I feel like I’m in a war that I have to win, but I don’t know how. Every night, I care less than I did the night before.” I stopped, unable to believe that had all just spilled out.

“Shit, Lex.” Jez shook her head, sympathy creasing her brow.

I rushed to clarify before she could think too much on what I’d just shared. “I don’t mean to get all dramatic and self-loathing on you. I just mean, I understand. I’m right there with you. A hybrid. Two natures in conflict. But if they can’t live together, then only one can win.”

Her head bobbed as she nodded and turned in her seat so she was facing out the front. She gripped the steering wheel until I thought she might tear it right off the column.

“So we find a way for them to live together,” she said, sounding defeated. “I’m sure that won’t be insanely difficult or anything.” She restarted the Jeep and began to drive, as if she needed to busy herself.

It was my turn to laugh bitterly. So far I had failed quite miserably in my attempt to balance my two opposing natures. “It’s going to be the hardest thing we’ll ever have to do.” I studied her in the dim interior, searching her for the fierce cat I knew lay inside. “What kind of dreams have you been having?”

She drove without responding for so long I began to worry they were too horrible to speak aloud. Then in a breathy whisper she said, “I dream of seeing myself with black eyes.”

A chill crept down my spine at her words. “Jez, when I go into the FPA lockup, promise you won’t come in after me, no matter who else does. That place is evil, and it could wake up your dark side.”

She screeched to a halt at a red light, and I put a hand on the dash to stop myself from being thrown into it. Her green eyes flashed solid wildcat. “That’s a terrible idea, you know. You can’t help Juliet once you’re inside. They might not even let her go. Or, they might not even have arrested her. This could all be a ploy to get you in there.”

All of these were things I’d already considered. Turning myself in was a huge risk. I knew that. What choice did I have? If they did have my sister, I couldn’t leave her there. I’d already left her once, and that’s how they’d gotten ahold of her. At the time, I hadn’t known she had survived the wolf attack. Still, I should have made sure.

“It could be. If I go down, I’ll find a way to take Briggs with me.” There was nothing else I could be sure of, but I was sure of that. “Will you be ok for a night or two?”

She shrugged and gunned the engine when the light turned green. “I’m sure I can manage. Just be careful in there. Ok?”

My mind raced as I began to worry about leaving Jez to deal with her addiction alone. Kale wouldn’t be around to keep an eye on her now.