Forget Me Not (17 page)

“I’ll go get ready for bed, Mom.”

I nod and smile in response, frightened to speak in case I let out more tears.

As he stumbles up the stairs I clock eyes with Jesse who is already watching me with amused interest. I let out a dramatic sigh that’s only part pretence.

“That was sweet, huh?” Jesse offers.

“Wow, Jesse. You have no idea what that just did to me.” I lightly fan my face, still chasing away the tears. I stand up and smooth out my clothes, trying to distance myself from the emotion.

Jesse stands up immediately, stepping closer and taking my hand. “Are you okay?” Concern is etched across his handsome features.

“He’s never been like that with anyone before,” I reply, holding my free hand across my heart in an effort to control the swelling. “Not that he’s had the opportunity, but still, it’s a huge deal for me.”

Stepping closer still, our feet now touching, Jesse moves his other hand to my chin and tilts it upwards so that my eyes meet his. “That was a pretty big deal for me too.”

“Really?”

“Of course.”

I’m now enveloped in his strong arms and I breathe in his heady scent. His mouth opens, but instead of the bass tones of Jesse’s gravelly voice, dreamy little words echo from up the stairs.

“Are you coming up?” Benjamin calls down.

“Yes, sweetheart.” I chuckle, and give Jesse a chaste kiss on the cheek.

Benjamin is already in bed when I make it upstairs. He’s done a pretty good job of tucking himself in, but I humor him and repeat the process anyway. I sit on the bed and stroke his hair from his face.

“Have you had a nice day today?” I ask.

“Yeah.” His eyes are closed, but he’s still fidgeting with the corner of his pillow case.

“Then you’ll have nice dreams,” I tell him. I lift myself off the bed and then lean down to kiss his forehead. “Goodnight, Benji. I love you.”

As I stand his eyes flick open as if he has forgotten something.

“Mom?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Do you love Jesse?” His voice is relaxed, oblivious to the complexity laced within his question.

“Why do you ask?” I crouch down nervously to kneel next to him on the floor.

“Because you act like Lily’s mom and dad and they love each other, don’t they?”

A million responses race through my mind as I try to work out how to handle this. I need to be truthful if I’m serious about this, and I am well and truly serious. If I’m going to welcome Jesse into our little family, then Benjamin needs to have a good understanding of the situation so that he can feel comfortable welcoming him too.

“Yes, they do.” I take a deep breath. “Baby, I love Jesse very much, not the same way that I love you, but I do love him.”

“Does Jesse love you?”

“I think so.” I smile.

“You should ask him,” he naively advises. I won’t explain that he’s already told me on several occasions that he loves me and that it’s just Mommy’s inbuilt self-deprecation that’s still unsure.

“I will.”

“So, does that mean that Jesse is my daddy?”

Wow.

I rack my brain desperately trying to come up with an acceptable answer. There is no right or wrong way to handle this I tell myself. There’s no manual that you can Google, okay, there probably is, but I don’t have time. I just need to deal with it myself.

“Honey, Jesse can’t be your real daddy, remember we talked about your real dad?”

He nods, though I can’t tell if he really does remember.

“But, I know that Jesse really cares about you, and I want Jesse to be a part of our family…but only if you do too?”

He nods again but his eyes are wide and still expecting a definitive answer.

“So...just because we don’t call him Daddy doesn’t mean that he isn’t very important to us both. Daddy is just a name really, it doesn’t make someone special. It’s what they do or how they make you feel that makes them special, right?”

I can only hope that I am saying the right thing. I thought I was prepared to tell Benji everything, but I guess this is over my head. I don’t want to lie to him but I don’t want to trap Jesse with guilt over Benjamin’s expectations.

“Like…when he cooks our breakfast and makes me happy?”

“Exactly.”

“Or when he plays soccer with me, or drives me in the Batmobile?” he muses, yawning as his sleepiness finally closes in.

“Yes, sweetheart.”

“Cool.” Smiling, he relaxes down into his duvet and turns onto his side.

“Very cool,” I reiterate. I lean over and kiss his forehead again. “Now, go to sleep and dream nice dreams.”

“About Batmobile’s.”

“Goodnight, darling. I love you.”

“Love you,” he yawns as I turn out the light and shut the door behind me.

Jesse is sat at the kitchen table with his laptop casting a cold bluish light onto his fetching features. He looks up when I step into the kitchen, his smile faltering when he’s confronted with my pout. I saunter over and invite myself to take a seat in his lap, resting my head on his shoulder, begging for the kindness of his comforting arms. He complies without hesitation, draping his arms around me and squeezing gently.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just a difficult conversation with Benjamin.”

“Oh?” Resting his head on mine he removes one hand to close the lid on the laptop, then brings it back to its resting place around my ribs.

“I think he’s confused. He was asking about if we loved each other and if you were his new daddy.”

A lump develops in my throat as I relive his innocent asks. They’re perfectly understandable questions for a six year old, but that doesn’t make them any less difficult to answer.

Jesse’s body tenses. “What did you tell him?”

“I told him that we loved each other, and then I explained that we didn’t need to label anyone as daddy, that it was just a name and we should simply enjoy you being here.”

In one swift action his arms abandon me. Instead of cradling me, they lock behind his head. I feel vulnerable now that I’m without his embrace, so I slowly stand and step away from his space.

“What’s wrong?”

“This is big, Mickey.”

I step back until I’m looking down at him. I don’t like the sudden space between us but it feels appropriate. “I know it’s big. But what did you expect?” He says nothing, but his eyes are transfixed on the ceiling as his head leans back further in his chair. “Did I say something wrong?” My words come out sharper than I mean them to, but at least he’s looking up at me now, albeit with uneasy eyes.

“No, no,” he breathes. The space between us has gone as he pulls me back onto his lap. I’m hesitant, but he holds my hands firmly in his. “I just don’t want to confuse the poor guy.”
             

I mentally replay my conversation with Benji, finding strength in my words the second time round. “How would it confuse him? If you’re planning on sticking around then surely there’s no harm in allowing him to know that?” My shield is up but his thumbs trace circles over my knuckles in an effort to break through.

“I didn’t mean it like that. Of course I’m sticking around. Stop even entertaining the idea of me leaving you both. I just…I don’t want to force our relationship on him or force being a father figure to him. Can’t we just be friends?”

Delicate Jesse is back and his words speak deeper than he intends.

“Of course you’re friends. Daddy is just a word to him, Jesse. There’s no pressure on you to become anything you don’t want to be. But, if way down the line you did ever feel like you could be a father figure to him, then I assure you, it would be welcomed by both me and him. He really likes you.”

Lifting my leg over, I straddle Jesse, lifting both of our hands and bringing them to rest between our united chests. Bending my head, I meet his melancholy glare. He looks haunted and I despair at the memories he is reliving and the pressure he must be feeling from me. This big, strong man in front of me is just the shell of a fragile boy, still trapped in his hellish adolescence. “I promise.”

“You can’t know that. He’s only known me a few days, he might grow to hate me and then he’s stuck with me.”

“I know what you’re doing, Jesse. Please don’t compare yourself to Dale.” He looks angered, not at me but at the sheer mention of evil.

“No, I’m nothing like him, I know that,” he says, shaking his head. “I just don’t want Benjamin to feel even a smidgen of how I felt towards my stepfather. Like he doesn’t have a choice, like he feels trapped.”

It’s remarkable that this sweet man could even conceive a possibility where Benjamin would feel this way about him. I guide his hands around my waist to the small of my back and place them there firmly while I move my own up to the sides of his face.

“Snap out of it. The fact that you even care so much about this is enough evidence to disprove your theory. Benjamin idolizes you, and even if there is a time where he doesn’t, then we’ll deal with it. We can’t plan for the future, our past has taught us that, but we can cope with the present. Let’s just enjoy this, and enjoy the fact that Benji loves you enough already to even consider calling you his daddy.”

“No Pressure?”

“No pressure.” I lean in but stop just shy of his lips, offering myself to him.

He accepts, kissing me softly. “Okay,” he surrenders. I smile against his lips. “He’s getting the full works at breakfast tomorrow.” His kisses move down my neck and then back up to my ear. “Sorry for ruining a great day.”

“The day’s not over.” I whisper, and then I take his hand and lead him upstairs to rescue what’s left of it.

Chapter 17

After an eventful start to the week the drama has subsided and we have all been able to enjoy the last few days with little interruption. I worked Tuesday but took Wednesday off at both Jesse and Benjamin’s request, and we spent the most wonderful day in town together.

Jesse seemed to enjoy reacquainting himself with Starling. It must have been odd, but his bravado didn’t slip. He obtained a lot of stares from the public as we coasted through town, but I don’t know whether they were simply from admiration at his beauty, or because they recognized him, either as Jesse or Lee. I don’t really care, and Jesse certainly didn’t.

We spent much of the time shopping. Jesse needed some more clothes and toiletries as he hadn’t packed enough and he couldn’t resist treating both Benji and I, despite my insistence that he shouldn’t. There was no need for his splurge. I already have too many clothes and Benji could get lost in his wardrobe. But, I have to admit, it felt nice being treated. The last time I was indulged during a shopping trip was by my parents before I went to college. Jesse told me to get used to it, but I don’t think I ever will.

It’s now Thursday and I’m back at the office. Today is the last day of my New York exhibition and I have been conferring with Davis all morning. Almost everything has been sold and Davis has already settled the payments and organized for them to be collected or delivered as of tomorrow. He has surpassed expectations. I make a note to include a substantial bonus with his wages, since I can afford it now thanks to him, and to inform his original employer that he needs both a raise and promotion if he intends on keeping him.

My diary is filling up with meetings and different ventures, but I’ve made sure to allow myself a few weeks of calm while Benji is off school. I don’t want the madness to consume my time with him, and to be honest, I feel like I need some time to prepare. I’m a little terrified of what’s ahead.

  I subdue my worries by spending my lunch break reminiscing about how wonderful this past week has been. Jesse has almost completely opened up and accepted his past. He visited his mom and brother’s graves again, this time with flowers, and even managed to speak to someone about replacing the tombstones. I think this has helped ease some of the unjustified guilt he feels.

He has spent time finding peace in Starling on his own, visiting the home that has no doubt haunted him for years. The old house, full of painful memories has been knocked down, and a fresh new home has been built in its place. I can’t help but believe that this is a good metaphor for Jesse’s apprehension towards the town.

It has been less than a week since my past and present met, and I finally feel like the hole in my heart has completely healed. Mondays blip has not affected Jesse and Benjamin’s growing bond, quite the opposite actually.

However, as much as I’ve enjoyed this past week, I worry that I have forcibly enrolled Jesse into a crash course of my new life. He’s been introduced to everyone and everything that means anything to me, starting with my family, who were tepid to say the least.

I continued my introduction to Michaela’s days by tentatively allowing him into my humble office. After remarking about how I deserved a more practical space, and me agreeing, he enthusiastically looked through masses of my work.

Then finally, Emma, Tom and Lily came for dinner last night. Aside from Emma’s plethora of questions, the evening was a complete success. Jesse cooked, naturally, and everyone got on superbly. Emma was completely supportive and excited for us and I love her so much for it.

Jesse hasn’t complained about being catapulted back into my life, far from it in fact. Nevertheless, I still feel like it’s too much for him, for us. He’s been in Starling for less than a week and yet he has learnt as much about my life as that of someone who I have been dating for months.

We’ve talked about this very concern, but Jesse reassured me that he enjoys being this involved, this soon, and that our relationship doesn’t follow the standard rules of courtship because we have so much shared history. He insisted he wasn’t learning about a new Michaela, just an updated version of the one he used to know.

My feelings for Jesse have since expanded beyond all imagination. There was never any doubt in my mind that he was special, even as a young girl in school, youth was not a reason for me to deny my adoration for him. Even so, my love for this man has now matured and became something extraordinary, but more importantly, something that I can know for sure is real and that I can finally believe is reciprocated.

We’ve been together physically since that blessed reunion, but now we are also together mentally, emotionally and intellectually. We’ve pushed through the issues that tore us apart and we’ve knocked down the barriers that stopped us from being reunited. It is just us, together in every way. And, although there are still things to discuss, the drive behind Jesse’s decision to leave in the first place especially, I really do believe that whatever gets thrown at us we will knock right out of the park.

Regardless of my sudden confidence, I can’t help but fret a little about what will happen when he leaves for New York tomorrow. My stomach twists at the thought of him being taken away from me again. Even though I’m aware his leaving is under completely different circumstances and that this time we will still be together, it doesn’t ease the ache for me to be near him.

We haven’t had any alone time together since he arrived last week, well, none that hasn’t been spent lounging on my couch once Benjamin has fallen asleep. I decide not to waste the little amount of remaining time we have left, so tonight we’ll go on our first official date. Again.

Reaching out for my phone I buzz with excitement as I send a text.

So, if I can organize a babysitter for tonight, would you care to accompany me on a date? x

So quick that I don’t even have time to put my phone down, I receive a short but sweet reply.

Of course x

And then another.

But YOU will be accompanying ME, my treat x

He is such a stubborn man, but I can’t help but smile. He won’t win that easy, not when I have so much to repay him for.

Not going to happen. You have spoilt me enough. And I am temporarily rich, remember? Dinners on me x

This time I keep hold of my cell, expecting a quick response. He doesn’t disappoint.

You are going to strip me of all my masculinity, Ms. Cole. Dinners on you, drinks are on me x

Oh, I intend on stripping you of something, but it sure as hell isn’t your masculinity ;-) Deal x

I very much look forward to it x

After his most unexpected compromise I organize for Zoe to look after Benjamin from six this evening before calling to book us a table at The Mariner for seven. Benji will be thrilled to learn that Zoe is coming over tonight.

As the excitement for the evening ahead stamps out any chance of me continuing to work, I decide to close down my computer for the day and get organized for this afternoons shoot. It’s only a bit of freelance work for the local newspaper. I’m covering the community theatre’s production of The Crucible and their dress rehearsal is today. I wasn’t planning on attending until later, but if I leave now I can probably be done in an hour. That leaves me plenty of time to edit the photos. Then I can collect Benjamin from my parents and get ready for this evening. With a clear plan in mind I leave the office even lighter than I arrived, gliding down the street on happy thoughts.

Within an hour I’ve got the shots I need and I’m back in the car. The entire procedure couldn’t have been any more boring. I really didn’t need to do it. Since the payments from the exhibition have been coming in I have enough money to tide me over for quite a while, leaving me time to work out what I really want to be doing. I only worked the show because I’d already agreed to it and I’m not one to let people down.

I’m about to head back to the office when I pass Mo’s Diner and decide to edit the images with a welcome accompaniment of a hot drink. It’s odd how I’m drawn here after years of avoiding the place, now that I no longer fear the memories it retains.

I’m grateful to see that the place is deserted. I’m able to sip on my coffee in peace while I work on my laptop. After sifting through the collection of images I select a few for editing and then email them to the journalist in charge of the feature.

Checking the time, I see I’m ahead of schedule, so I order a muffin and another coffee and endeavor to enjoy some uninterrupted ‘me’ time.

Five minutes in and I’m fed up.

Disrupting my boredom, my phone rings and I rummage with relief through my ridiculously huge bag to find it bedded at the bottom. Classic. I roll my eyes but my mood lifts immediately when I see who it is.

“Hello?”

“Hi, you okay?” Jesse shouts over what sounds like a car driving past.

“Yeah, good thanks. What are you up to?”

“You’re not at work.”

“How’d you know?” I look around, confused.

“I’ve just seen your car in the parking lot by the old footbridge. Where are you?”

“I’m in Mo’s Diner. Why don’t you come in?” I search the window, eagerly looking for him and find him crossing the parking lot, his beauty prominent against the dullness of the dreary buildings.

“You’re not busy?”

“No, I had to finish up some editing but I’m done. Come in.”

“Okay, see you in minute.”

“Okay.” I hang up and watch the door. Already energized by his presence and he’s not even in the same room as me yet.

Although staggeringly handsome, he looks nervous as he walks through the double doors. I notice a handful of shopping bags in tow and roll my eyes at his extravagant spending. He’s searching the cafe, for me, I appreciate. When he spots me at our table he gestures quietly at the room around us, steeped with so much history, and we eye each other knowingly.

When he makes his way over and sits at our table neither of us says anything, we simply embrace the moment. He reaches across for my hand and I offer him both. He covers them with his own and I relish in their warmth.

“We’re here,” he sighs, meaning literally and figuratively, I deduce.

“Finally.”

The waiter suspends our moment as he asks what Jesse would like to order. Jesse asks for a latte, but his eyes don’t leave mine. The waiter leaves, probably thinking how arrogant we are. Not arrogant, just having a moment.

“I have something for you,” he admits.

Our eye contact is broken as he reaches into one of the bags stuffed under the table.

“Okay,” I say, prolonging the syllables as I try and guess what he’s going to unveil.

When his hand reappears, I’m presented with a red, leather bound box. I’m completely taken aback. We both stare in silence for a moment as I digest what is happening. I infer that the box is too large to be an engagement ring, any smaller and I’d be expecting him to be down on one knee. I shudder at the forward direction my mind takes, but before I get chance to deliberate what my answer would be he clears his throat.

“Open it.”

He places the gift on the table and nudges it timidly towards me. My eyes flicker between the box and this generous man before me, who’s clearly uncomfortable.

When I flip the lid open I’m greeted by a silver watch. The face is my favorite deep purple and is surrounded by a ring of sparkles. It’s not excessive, it’s just enough. It’s me, and I find myself happier at the idea that Jesse knows me so well than at the gift itself.

“Jesse, this is stunning,” I mumble, unable to express just how gorgeous and truly appreciated his generosity really is. “It’s too much, why have you…it’s not even my birthday or…”

“It’s not too much, it’s not enough. I thought you’d wear it tonight for our date,” he explains, casually.

“You really didn’t need to.” I shake my head, but my fingers lovingly skim over the beautiful diamonds in my hand.

The waiter arrives with Jesse’s latte and we both sit up straight. He doesn’t stick around, thankfully, and as soon as he’s gone Jesse moves from his side of the table to mine.

“I wanted to get you something before I leave tomorrow, something that would remind you of how much you mean to me, even when we’re apart, and something that would signify the time that we’ve already lost, and the time that we still have. I hope it’s enough. I didn’t want to frighten you off with an engagement ring…not yet.” He smirks and nudges me lightly, clearly joking, but the romantic in me swoons delightedly.

“That’s a beautiful sentiment, and it’s so much more than enough.” I lean into him gently. “Thank you, so much.”

He kisses the top of my head before taking the box from me. “It’s engraved,” he announces, removing it and flipping it over for me to see.

Written in italic on the underside are the words,
‘Wherever you will go.
’

The significance of our lyrics is not lost on me. They’ve been with us throughout this journey and they will continue to be. I’m blown away by the sensitivity of this man,
my man
.