Forget Me Not (8 page)

Sites offer information charting his continuing success, predicting big things for him and his bank balance. I skip the majority of it, preferring to wait to hear it from his mouth. Now that I know I can, it doesn't feel as big a deal to have all this information readily available. Before I knew where he was or how he was doing, the internet was my only choice. Knowing I can speak to him and talk this through, that's exactly what I want to do. When he is ready.

I’m just about to close the web browser down when I notice one of the search results from a celebrity gossip magazine. It’s a recent article, dated only a week ago. I can't help myself as I click on the highlighted caption.

Sienna Simone Caught With Hot Bachelor Lee Jenner!

The link opens up a vividly pink page with no end of celeb stories bordering the screen. I scan the relevant text and scroll down to a photo of Jesse, captioned as Lee Jenner, with his hands all over a stunning blonde, an actress that I recognize. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. I wasn’t so naïve to think he’d never been with a woman other than me, but to see it flaunted across my laptop disturbs me so much that I physically feel sick.

The image itself is almost indecent. His one hand is underneath her shirt and his other cupping her nearly exposed ass. They’re wide eyed and shocked to have been caught. I’m embarrassed for both of them, but mostly for myself. He clearly hasn’t been mourning a lost love, and the whole world knows it. It’s also unpleasant to see that his taste has so drastically improved. Sienna is younger, blonder and skinnier than I, not to mention famous. How can I believe that he has missed me when he has found such perfect replacements? Looking down at my sweatpants and mismatching wooly socks I wonder what perfectly dressed and manicured woman he’s fondling tonight. The bile that rises in my throat is soon banished with the help of another glass of ghastly wine.

The article is a week old. Has he really ended things with her and started things with me, all in such a short timeframe, or am I just a dirty little secret? I could remain positive and insist he is single. She could have just been a onetime thing. I imagine if he owns various nightclubs then women with as little reserve as her are easy to find. I’m not sure which idea troubles me more. The idea that he’s playing the field or that he’s in a relationship. I’d like to think that Jesse is a better person than that of a cheat. He feels compassion like no other, or he used to at least. Surely I know him well enough to be able to say that he wouldn’t do this to me. Or even to her.

Regardless of who she is, the fact that they’ve so recently and so publically been intimate fills me with revulsion. Now I can’t help but think this ends it for us before we’ve even had a chance at our second beginning.              

What do I do? Do I just ask him outright or is it too weird that I Googled him? Will he brand me a stalker? Shit, Michaela, you and your stupid ideas. Turning the laptop off without even bothering to close it down properly, I down the rest of my glass and shuffle up the stairs to bed. All of the happiness from today has been snatched away by the cruelness that is knowledge.

Chapter 10

My happiness hasn't returned with the rise of the sun. Back at my parent’s house for our usual Sunday family gathering and my mom’s been eyeing me worriedly all day. I expect she’s waiting for me to crumble. I hardly look a pillar of strength with my weary eyes and lax attention span. I’m trying to act perfectly fine but my efforts are tarnished by my lack of sleep. The only one fooled by my pretence is Benjamin. Thankfully, he remains oblivious to both my inner turmoil and our family’s watchful eyes.

It's not even like I'm upset or in need of looking after, I’m just…apprehensive. I feel like I should have all of my answers by now, but instead I have more questions.

As if having to be careful around my parents and Benji isn't taxing enough, my sister, Joanna is here. I love her, and we get on great, but she was never Jesse's biggest fan. Her presence at our Sunday gatherings is not a regular occurrence. Her demanding job as the local pediatrician keeps her busy. It’s rare for her to have a Sunday free, and when she does her immediate concern isn’t to grace our parent’s doorstep. Hence, the reasoning behind her unusual appearance is blatant; my mom has told her all about my afternoon with Jesse.

Despite the motive behind her presence she has barely said a word to me all day. Instead, she simply surveys me throughout dinner and then eventually follows me out onto the porch.
             

"I'm stuffed!" she announces.

"Me too," I lie. I could barely manage half of my plate, and it didn't go unnoticed.

"What ya' doing out here?" She sits on the porch swing behind me. I can feel her eyes burning into the back of my head as I sit on the steps leading down to the drive.

"Just making the most of the fresh air. It's not the same where we live."

I often sit out here after dinner, savoring the sweetness for when I am cooped up at home. The air is fresh and the breeze carries the fragrance from the nearby wildflowers.

“Air’s air, Mickey.”

“No, it’s sweeter here. Healthier. Can’t you feel it?”

"Are you drunk?"

I chuckle for the first time today. “No.”

“Are you a member of the Walton’s family?”

Laughing still. “No.”

“But, you’re okay?” she asks, her tone slightly heavier.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I retort, feeling myself stiffen in
defence. I don't want to argue about Jesse, especially not with my sister who I rarely see as it is.

"Mom told me about your reunion."

I sigh. "What about it?"

"That you spent the afternoon with Jesse." I sense her hesitation. Perhaps Mom sent her out here and her regret at having to divulge in this conversation is as equal to mine. "How is he?"

"You don't have to pretend you care, Jo."

"I care about
you
, about what he does to you. I just want you to be careful." She moves to sit next to me on the steps. I want to scream at her, but when I turn and look I am confronted with genuine concern. She nudges my shoulder with hers and we both smile.

Joanna has a beautiful smile. Everything is beautiful about her. She has hazel eyes and strawberry blonde hair that once fell to her waist but is now cropped short. She cut it in an act of rebellion during the aftermath of her divorce. Her husband loved her long hair, but when it was revealed that he’d been having an affair with someone barely out of college she immediately filed for divorce and rid herself of her locks. She hasn't really been the same since. Gone was the carefree and spontaneous sister that I grew up with. When he left he took that part with him.

Joanna never thought much of Jesse, even before he left her little sister so traumatized, but her new found bitterness towards men certainly doesn’t help Jesse's case.

"You don't need to worry about me. I know what I’m doing." I say. I guess the lies are flowing easily now because, in actual fact, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, not until Jesse and I are able to talk everything through. How can I know what the future holds for us when I’m still unsure of the past?

"I know you probably think you do, but the fact that you’re even entertaining the idea of being with him, makes me think you don’t. Jesse was always bad news, Mickey. I thought you knew that now." Her tone hardens and I feel myself weaken in response to her unproven views.

"No, he wasn't, Jo. You just never gave him a chance. He’s nothing like his family.” I raise my chin a little. “He’s actually done really well for himself." I don't know why I feel that it's important for her to know how successful Jesse is. It doesn't matter to me what he does or how much he earns. I guess I hope that it might help carve a new impression of Jesse in her mind.

"Really? Well I'm glad, but does that really change who he is though? Does it change what he did to you?”

“He didn’t
do
anything to me. Not purposely anyway. He just couldn’t cope with Starling anymore. It’s understandable when you consider what he went through here.” I flinch at my own words. Now I’m defending his choices without even understanding them myself?

“I know that he had it tough and I feel bad for him, I do. But, I care more about the hell that you went through, and if I can stop that from happening again then I will. You’re my sister, Mickey, and it kills me to think that you might allow it. Why should you give him a second chance? It’s been too long.” Her voice trails off to a whisper and although there are no tears she looks pained. Watching her fight the urge to cry overwhelms me with guilt for having tortured my family so much. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it was for them to have witnessed the breakdown of their daughter, their sister. Their once happy teenager had been drained completely until all that was left was a shell.

Since then, they’ve been unnecessarily protective, regardless of my insistence that there is no need for it. Especially Joanna. She’s almost eleven years older than me which adds dramatically to her protectiveness. I sincerely believe that there’s no call for it though. Not now. Experiencing such powerful emotions and handling them as horribly as I did gave me good reason not to allow it to happen again. I’m stronger because of my pained past and I’m more guarded than ever. Whether this applies when Jesse is concerned is yet to be seen.

Turning to face Joanna so that I can emphasize my point clearly, I take her hand firmly in my own. She repays my gesture with her own eyes staring kindly back at me and her hand tightening around mine.

“Listen. You have to shake off this big sisterly protection enough for me to make my own mistakes. I’m old enough and strong enough to deal with the consequences. Just be pleased that I might finally have the chance to be happy and if I’m not then be there for me. Just, don’t begrudge me the opportunity.”

Joanna starts to say something but controls her tongue, instead pulling me into a soft embrace. Sighing heavily, only emphasizing her reluctance to let it go, she finally concedes. “I’m just a phone call away, okay? Anytime, anyplace and for any reason.”

“Thank you.” Her words, however artificial, are exactly what I have needed from her for a long time. “I love you.”

“Love you too, Michaela.”

Resting with my head against her shoulder and our arms hanging loosely around each other’s waists, we move our conversation onto safer grounds; her daughter Zoe. The pair has had a strained relationship ever since the divorce but they’re getting there. Zoe is just finishing her first year at college where she’s studying art and spends some of her free time helping me on shoots and babysitting Benjamin. In short, I couldn’t be without her. I’ll be seeing her soon when she helps me out with my exhibition on Thursday.

Discussing the exhibition causes my stomach to knot and the worry about the remaining work needed to be done over the next couple of days sends myself and Benjamin home early.

I haven't heard from Jesse all day. Not a text message, phone call or email. I’m unsure how to feel about this. It's still the weekend and I imagine in his line of work he’s pretty busy. Too busy to send me a quick text message though? No, I haven't tried to get hold of him either. Not to say that I haven't wanted too, I just don't want to frighten him off. It's obvious how I feel about him and the last time we spoke he seemed a little cautious. Maybe he just needs time and space. We’ve just been reintroduced after an extraordinary amount of time and we’ve had minimal chance to reflect. After such a consuming couple of days maybe it was all too much. If it's time and space he needs then that’s what he shall have.

Monday morning is humid and wet, only adding to my already existing hatred of the start to the working week and the end of my weekend. I’m inside at my office desk and the rain from outside has clung to my clothes and infiltrated the coziness that my little workspace normally offers. Although wet, it’s June, so it’s overly warm. The smell of damp hangs in the hot air and I’m forced to open a window, consequently soaking through my already ruined drapes.

The sky is all shades of grey and there’s barely any light sifting through the window, so much so that I need the ceiling light and my desk lamp lit in order to work. The abundance of artificial light has given me a headache which has added to my already foul mood. I daydream quietly in between tasks, envisioning a time when I can escape this office forever and operate from a spacious, functional and inspiring work space.

My petulance was matched equally by Benjamin this morning when the soccer practice we had scheduled for him with the local youth club was cancelled because of the weather. I fleetingly consider moving south to escape this unseasonal rain. It’s June for crying out loud! Where’s the sun?

Benjamin is at my mom’s for the fourth day in a row and I’ve a feeling the novelty may be wearing off. I’m trying to do as much as I can as quickly as I can so that I can spend some much needed time with my boy but there is still so much to be done.

My planning for the exhibition has peaked. I’m still sifting through the soundtrack I want to be playing over the course of the evening. Music is the key aspect of this exhibition and so the playlist is an important accessory to the artwork. I’m also still negotiating fees for two members of staff that I’ve employed to help with the event. I’ve taken on a New York based assistant to oversee the exhibition and sales after the initial opening. He actually works for a friend of mine, another photographer, so technically he’s on loan.

The exhibition will run for five days in total but I’ll only be there for the first night, so I need someone to oversee the remaining time. Davis is perfect. I can’t bring myself to be apart from Benji for that long and I don’t want to be travelling back and forth over the course of the event. Although, the more I find to worry about, the more I feel compelled to be there throughout.

Stopping the panic mid-flow, I try to focus on the positive. At least the images are all printed and packed ready for Thursday and I have confirmed the location for the third time. Adverts have been placed in a variety of media publications and invitations have been sent out to friends, family and clients, both old and prospective.

There is one person who I haven't invited though, but who I want more than anyone else to be there. After toying with the idea for longer than my busy schedule allows, I remove the black business card from my purse and open up the emails on my computer.

From - Michaela Cole             

To - Lee Jenner

Subject - Thursday.

Date - 11th June 2012 – 11:52am

Hi, I hope you’re okay?

I’m in the city on Thursday for my exhibition. I think I told you

about it?

I thought I should invite you in case you were bored and feeling lonely. I wouldn’t want you ‘wasting your time’ sat at home on your lonesome.

I’ve attached a copy of the invite with the address,

etc.

Might see you then?

Michaela.

Ms. Michaela L. Cole.

Michaela Cole Photography.

I read through and re-write the message several times before pressing send, all the while hoping that it lacks desperation and oozes casualness. I hope it’s clear to him that I’d really like to see him there without advertising my neediness.

I try to refocus my slack attention on my plentiful work, but I’m interrupted only minutes later when my computer pings delightfully,
signalling a new email.

From - Lee Jenner

To - Michaela Cole

Subject - RE Thursday

Date - 11th June 2012 – 12:14pm

Glad to hear from you…finally!

I have a few things to attend to Thursday but I’ll

see

what I can do.

Jesse.

Mr. Lee Jenner

CEO, Chairman and Proprietor of Jenner Holding