Forth into Light (The Peter & Charlie Trilogy) (36 page)

She had touched something in him no woman ever had and yet there was still the incompleteness, something withheld, some inadequacy. Simply because she was a female? Whatever it was, she had come very close to expressing it for him and he held out his hand to her. They sat side by side so that they could touch if need be and looked at each other questioningly.

“Do you mind my saying we’re in love?” she asked, cocking her head slightly to one side. “I think we are, in a funny sort of way. I’ve found out I can love a man’s body. Good heavens, that’s putting it mildly. If I can love yours, I suppose I could love others, yet I can’t imagine this happening with anybody else. How can I be in love with you and not mind the thought of being without you?”

It was a point that had worried him. The serenity in her voice as she posed the question made him want to hug her for letting him off that hook. “I haven’t wanted to think about that. The setup at home is so nutty already that I’ve had moments wondering about fitting you into it, but I couldn’t quite see it somehow.”

She shook her head and looked away. “No. Even if you were free and unattached, I wouldn’t be waiting for you to propose and if you did, I think I’d refuse. That’s something else I’ve found out. I’m too independent and unadventurous. Even making love with you is too demanding for ordinary life. There’s something peaceful about being with a woman. I don’t know if there’s something missing in me or if it’s more positive than that, something extra added, something masculine that makes me have to dominate any situation I’m in. I can’t do that with you. Talk about helpless females. We wouldn’t last for long.” She put a hand on his and caressed it lightly.

“You sound as if you know exactly what you’re up to,” he said with a hint of regret. Even though everything she said was an assurance that they had safely circumvented all the obvious hazards, he was perversely dissatisfied for it to be so neatly resolved. Integral to his male response to her was an impulse to assert and maintain his possession of her. He knew it was an impulse to be kept under control. All through the day, he had felt the twitching birth pangs of potential ties—in looks they had shared, in things she had said, in the feel of a particular part of her body, in her laughter and her intoxicating desire—ties for which there was no room in his life and which she had now calmly denied. She had revealed to him the stranger, more shadow than real, who cohabited with the self he knew; it was a part of him that would flourish for her alone and in a day or two must be excised, a small amputation as amputations went. It looked, although it had been her feelings that he had been at first concerned about, as if he were the one who might be hurt.

He responded to the pressure of her hand and lifted it and kissed it. She caressed his lips with the back of her fingers. He growled. “That’s better than champagne. Have we said everything we ought to say? Is that the summing up?”

“More or less. There’s one more thing. Would you be willing to give me a baby?” The look he shot her was startled and she laughed in her girlish way. “I’m not sure yet I want it. I think I might, but it would have to be the way I say: you giving
me
a baby. I wouldn’t want it as part of any elaborate arrangement like you’ve created with your family. Just mine, with the assistance of that beautiful cock. After all, you weren’t in love with Martha when you gave her a baby, were you?”

“No, it was Charlie’s idea, and Martha agreed.” Peter managed to chuckle as he refilled their glasses although he couldn’t react casually to her suggestion. “You’re really something. A girl I’m in love with, even in a funny sort of way, having my baby. How do you think I’d feel?” She had made it clear, if he still had any doubts, that she was already thinking past him, rounding off the interlude to find what she could keep and use from it. Trust a female. It was enough to turn anyone queer; no man could be so cold-bloodedly realistic. A beautiful female fiend.

“I wouldn’t go ahead and let it happen without your knowing,” she said sensibly. “We can think about it. By the time you get home, I’ll know. I’d understand your not wanting to take a chance on it. I think my family would be pleased even if it is a little bastard. They’re inclined to wonder about——”

She was cut off by the ringing of the telephone. They exchanged a look and then he jumped up and went to it.

Jeff’s deep voice came on in response to his hello. “Peter? Are you really here?”

“Of course. What’s the idea of going off without saying good-bye? You promised to tell me about last night, remember?”

“It was all sort of complicated. I’m sorry. What’re you doing here?”

“Odds and ends. I have to see you, for one thing. Did you think I’d let you go without another glimpse of those beautiful eyes?” Peter winked at Judy. There was a rumble on the instrument that might have been brief laughter.

“Did the parents send you?”

“No, but what if they had? Don’t you want to see me?”

“Of course. More than anybody I can think of. I just——”

“Is Mike there?” His and Judy’s eyes held and he shook his head at Jeff’s monosyllabic negative. “Well, then, can I come see you?”

“You mean now? Here? Oh, God, yes. Please do. Can you?” The deep voice suddenly sounded tormented.

“Of course. I’ll be there in two seconds.” He hung up and returned to Judy and leaned over and kissed her mouth lightly. “It’s perfect. He’s alone. I don’t think he’ll mind my having a snoop around. I’ll try not to be long, sweetheart.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll have a wallow in the tub and go to bed. That’s where I prefer being when you’re around.”

He gave her shoulders a little hug with his hands and hurried out. He walked down a long corridor, rose several floors in the elevator, followed another long corridor till he found the number and knocked. Jeff immediately opened the door and took his arm and pulled him in and closed it behind them. Peter gave his lips a chaste little kiss and pulled hastily away as he felt them open for more. He stood back and looked at Jeff and laughed.

“I’ve never seen you with so many clothes on.” He was wearing a tie and a summer jacket and slacks. His angular body made the rather ill-fitting, thrown-together costume look as if it was about to fall off.

“Just some things Mike bought for me,” he said with a little note of pride.

Peter observed immediately that he seemed more at ease in his body; he slouched less and there was a slightly feminine provocation in the way he moved. He held Peter’s arm again as they headed for chairs. The room was furnished as a living room with doors at each end giving into bedrooms.

“Well, this is a far cry from our stark island simplicity,” he said. “You’re entering into the big world in style.”

“We have separate bedrooms. Mike doesn’t like to sleep with anybody. Is Charlie here too?”

“No. I came up with a girl I met yesterday. She has a yacht. We’re all pretty stylish.”

“Did you really come to see me?”

“There were several things that all sort of worked together. You’re the part that interests me most. I want to hear all about it.” He stopped and turned to face Jeff, freeing his arm. Adoration shone in his extraordinary eyes before they clouded and dropped. The boy ran his fingers through his hair. “I saw Sid,” Peter pointed out. “What in the world have you been up to?”

“Is Dimitri still in jail?”

“I don’t know. Come on, Jeff, honey. Tell me the whole story.”

The dark eyes lifted in appeal and dropped again. “It’s so difficult. You make me feel like such an idiot.”

“Don’t be silly. We can tell each other anything. I told you that yesterday. I knew you were upset about something.” His power over the boy had been confirmed by look and touch. He moved in close to him and took his arms. He could feel the tremor of response run through the young body. “Come on. You told Sid. I want to hear it all from you.”

“I don’t want you to hate me. Please. I——” He lifted his eyes once more, filled with adoration, young, helpless, touching. “I had no intention of
stealing
it,” he asserted vehemently. “I never dreamed Dad would go to the police and get Costa into it. I was going to put it somewhere in the house where he’d find it. That’s all there was to it.”

“Okay. I didn’t think you were a thief.” He gave him a hug and disengaged himself and propelled him to a chair. He sat opposite him. “Did Dimitri put you up to it?”

“No.” Jeff sprawled in his habitual fashion but with a difference. His knees were parted and his hands were on his thighs making a conscious point of his crotch. “Don’t you understand? I was ready to do anything to make him pay attention to me. He was short of cash. I told him he could have the money if he’d let me spend the night with him. I don’t think I said it quite like that, but that’s what it amounted to. He had his customers all lined up and was going to make a quick profit. Then the police loused everything up.”

“They certainly did. I hope you realize how bad this is. You’ve let an innocent man suffer for something you did.”

“Oh, God, Peter. It’s been driving me crazy.” He lifted his hands and clutched at his hair. “I couldn’t tell you yesterday when it was still going on with Dimitri. Then it all got so confused that I would’ve left with Mike even if I weren’t in love with him.”

“You should’ve stayed, you know,” Peter said. “You should’ve done everything you could to clear Costa, even if it meant telling your father the truth.”

“Oh, God, I suppose I should have.” His eyes filled with tears and he flung his hands out pleadingly. “Please, Peter. Everything’s happened all at once. I’ve hardly known what I was doing. I told Dimitri last night he had to give the money back. He said he has to lie low till the fuss dies down. That may be true as far as the dope goes, but he could get the money somewhere. He just laughed at me. I told Sid to make him see that it’s to his own interest to get Costa out of it. What more could I do? Tell me. I’ll do anything you say.”

Peter was moved by him. He felt things deeply, often excessively, but his instincts were right. He had broken his sexual bonds and needed time now to test the implications and learn discipline. Peter’s manner softened. “I think
you
should tell
me
what you ought to do.”

Jeff’s chest heaved with a deep breath. “Go to the police? Would I have to go back to the island?”

“I don’t see why you should. We’ll find out who to see here. When are you planning to go to the States?”

“Tomorrow. After lunch. I’m pretty sure Mike wouldn’t wait for me. Will they let me go if I tell the truth?”

“You don’t have to incriminate yourself. We’ll fix up a story. Make it sound like a practical joke. Ha-ha. Are you willing to do it?”

His eyes widened and his lips struggled to form the word. “Yes.”

Peter leaned forward and patted his knee. “Good boy. That’s what I hoped you’d say. Okay. I’ll tell you what
I’ll
do. To begin with, we have to produce the money. I’ll get it in the morning. I want you to write a statement. You can say—say you found it around the house and kept it to show your father how careless he’d been. You lost your head when the police were brought in. Anything like that. You can go with Mike and I’ll carry on from there.”

Jeff pulled himself up in his chair and took Peter’s hands in his. “You really are my god.”

Peter kept his hands motionless and in a moment withdrew them. “I want you to write another statement telling the exact truth, pot and all. That’ll be for me. I’d be happy to give you two thousand dollars if you were in a jam, but not Dimitri. I intend to collect from him. In the morning, we’ll have your fake statement notarized with your passport.”

A ghost of a smile played across Jeff’s lips. “I almost forgot to bring it. I had to sneak back to the house this morning to get it. You should see the place. The earthquake cracked open a whole wall.”

“No! What a damn shame. Your father’s getting it from every direction. I think you ought to write him and tell him what you’re doing.”

“About Mike and everything?”

“Why not? Remember what I told you. Don’t start out feeling guilty.”

Jeff sprawled back in his chair. “All right. I will.”

“Are you expecting Mike soon?”

“Not for an hour or two. He didn’t come home with me just to prove that I don’t matter. He says I’m too young to go to the kind of bars he likes. I guess that’s the way it’s going to be.” He uttered the rumble that was intended as laughter. “I haven’t told you about last night. I waited for Dimitri for hours until he closed the bar. When he turned up, he had Mike with him. There we were, all three of us together. My first time. Mike tells me he paid Dimitri two hundred dollars to have me.”

Peter passed a hand over his eyes. He found his face set in a grimace of disgust. He shook his head. “Christ, Jeff. Get out of it. Go home.”

Jeff dropped his head back and closed his eyes. “No. It’s not as bad as I make it sound. When he takes me, it’s incredible. There’s no doubt about his wanting me then. It’s just the rest of the time he has to prove he doesn’t need me. He knows even less about love than I do. I’m going to show him.”

“Then you’d better forget your sophisticated debut. If you can’t make it decent, it’s not worth what it’ll do to you. You can go just so far with sex and then it loses everything. Love becomes just one more cock up your ass. You don’t want to be another Dimitri. It would kill you.” He looked at the boy as he lay sprawled out in the chair, eyes closed, as motionless as if he were already dead.

“I’m sorry,” Jeff said at last. “You know what the trouble is. I’m still lost in my dreams. Mike’s reality. I know that. I know I have to try to make it good.”

Peter nodded to himself and rose and looked around the room. There was a litter of letters and papers and magazines everywhere, but no pictures, except for the hotel prints on the walls. He peered into the bedrooms, trying to see which was Mike’s. “Has Mike said anything to you about some pictures he bought here?” he asked casually, turning back to Jeff.

The boy opened his eyes and shook his head. “What kind of pictures?”

“French Impressionists, I think he said. He wanted to talk to me about them. We had a date at noon for him to show them to me. Needless to say, he didn’t show up. Do you think it would do any harm to look around while I’m here. We’re all apt to be busy in the morning.”