Forth into Light (The Peter & Charlie Trilogy) (47 page)

“Have you seen Jeff today?” George asked.

“No. I haven’t seen anybody. I haven’t been out of the house until this minute.”

“I just wondered. He didn’t come home last night. It doesn’t matter. He said he might stay out. Nobody seems to’ve seen him.”

A little tremor of anxiety fluttered around Charlie’s heart. “I saw him last night,” he said.

“Oh, good. Look. I know he has no secrets from you. He’s talked quite openly with me. I’m not in a state about—well, about the way he’s turning out. You know me well enough to know that. I mention it just so you won’t feel you’re compromising him if you can give me an idea of what he’s up to.”

“I haven’t the slightest. He came by the house after dinner. You know I came out with him yesterday? I told him he could spend the night—you know, kids sometimes feel more at ease with a friend than with their parents—but he seemed to have something on his mind and took off.” God knows, I tried to keep him, Charlie thought.

“I gather you and Peter have been very good to him. Your being fond of him makes me very proud of him.”

“He’s a fascinating kid. Mike knocked the stuffings out of him. I’ve tried to help him as best I could.”

“I hope I have, too. You’d know the right things to say better than I would, but yesterday I felt as if we could talk to each other like friends at last. When your two are older you’ll find that’s one of the most satisfying things that can happen to a parent.”

“He said you’re a wonderful man. He told me to tell you.”

“Really? My God. I think I’m blushing.” A smile of great sweetness passed across his face. “I hope he’s found somebody to cheer him up.”

Charlie’s hands tightened on the arms of his chair. It still wasn’t pleasant to think of Jeff giving himself to others. “I wouldn’t be surprised,” he said with an ease that he felt deserved congratulations. “You know how promiscuous we all are at that age, especially if we’ve been kicked in the teeth by someone we love. It’s the first cure we think of.” He found himself searching for some other explanation for his disappearance. Had his making a point of saying good-bye meant anything? “Do you suppose he could have gone back to Athens? If he did, Peter will know. He’d be bound to go see Peter.” To offer himself again and complete his conquest of his twin gods? Peter simply wouldn’t be interested.

“I don’t believe he’d clear out again without telling me. I have a feeling he’s going to be all right now. After all, I retired from life myself for a couple of days. Whatever he’s doing, I hope he’s having fun. He’s always been inclined to take things too seriously.”

“I know. I kept thinking yesterday how much I’d like to make him laugh.”

George put down his cup and looked at him intently across the table. “You care about him that much?”

Charlie looked into keen, understanding eyes and nodded. “Let’s say that if I were younger, I could really fall for him. That’s just between us.”

“Of course. Thanks for telling me. I hope you don’t mind my asking a personal question. There’s a lot I’d like to understand. Is he attractive? I mean to men. If you were playing the field, would you pick him out?”

Charlie resolutely held his eyes on George’s. “He’s a beautiful boy, George. You can see that for yourself. If you accept the fact that men can be attracted to each other, it doesn’t require any special understanding. It’s just people.”

“Then you think Mike took him away because he really wanted him, not just—I don’t know. I guess what I’m really asking is whether you think Mike had anything to do with his deciding he’s homosexual.”

“Good God, no. He told Peter all about it—when? Day before yesterday. He was still a virgin then.”

“So he told me. Well, it was time he cleared that hurdle. You think it’s reasonable to hope that he’ll find a guy and make something good like you two have?”

“He doesn’t think he can. That’s the only thing that bothers me. I’d like to convince him he’s wrong.”

“Good. I’ll probably get over wanting to kill Mike. I’m glad it’s all out in the open. I want to help him find everything that’s good in it. I know you and Peter will, too.”

“I want to. I hope we’ll see a lot of him before he goes. And in the States too, of course. It’s nice to know we’ll be so close. It’s funny. I’ve been thinking of him as a child until the last day or two.”

They gossiped of other island matters. George was in good form. Charlie gathered from several chance words that he and Sarah were on good terms again, which pleased him. Reconciliation was in the air; he felt it as a support for his own eagerness to close ranks with Peter. For moments at a time, his ears stopped straining for the ship’s whistle. When it sounded, he was immediately on his feet and had taken up his position at the barrier, barely aware that George had followed him and was at his side. The boat had not yet appeared around the eastern promontory.

When it did, he straightened and watched tensely as it slid in bow-on toward the
quai.
Engines were reversed with a swirling of water and it swung around broadside as lines were thrown. His heart stopped as his eyes swept the decks. He had only an instant of agonized suspense. He saw him immediately, standing at the rail beside where the gangplank would be hoisted aboard so that he would be one of the first off. Their eyes met. Across the narrowing gap of water, he learned all that he needed to know: Peter was his. It was a great deal. It was everything. The fire was still in him; it warmed his love for Peter. They signaled to each other and engaged in exuberant little pantomimes to tell each other how glad they were to be together again and that all was well at home.

“He looks as if all his news is good,” George said at Charlie’s side.

As soon as the gangplank was in place, Peter sprang lightly down it and was with him in a blaze of golden radiance. Their arms went around each other’s shoulders in a quick embrace, Peter shook George’s hand, and they all started to talk at once. Amid the shouts and the excited babble of returning travelers, Charlie made no effort to follow what was being said. Jeff’s name caught Peter’s attention.

“What do you mean, nobody’s seen him?” He turned to Charlie with an air of reproach. “Why didn’t you keep him with you last night?”

“I told him he could stay. He didn’t want to. I thought he might’ve gone back to Athens.”

“I don’t think so,” George said. “He’d have let me know. You didn’t bring Costa with you?”

Peter gave Charlie a puzzled glance before turning back to George. “He’s out. Everything’s all right.”

They had moved away from the crowd and conversation had become possible.

“Good for you,” George said gratefully. “Where is he? I’ve got to make up for my stupidity.”

“I gave him money. He’s having a little rest cure. He had to sign a paper saying that the police had treated him with exquisite courtesy. He promised not to come back until there’re no signs to the contrary.”

“Christ. Was he badly beaten?”

“Oh, he didn’t look as if they’d really put their hearts into it. He’ll be all right in a week or so.”

“If you know where he is, I’ll go up in the next couple of days and have a talk with him.”

“I think he’d like that. He’s a good guy. He was really sorry about having to get Jeff into it.”

Peter was setting a brisk pace. They had time for only a few more exchanges before they had reached the turnoff where the climb up to the Mills-Martin house began. They all stopped.

“I can’t thank you guys enough for everything,” George said.

“All for the common cause,” Peter said. “You’re looking good, George.”

“Persevere, lads. That’s my message for the day. Most of all, thanks for helping me to get to know Jeff. If we can cover our losses with a few gains, I guess we can’t complain.”

They exchanged fond smiles and lifted their hands in parting and Peter started up the steps as if he were in a hurry to get home. As soon as they were out of sight of George, he slowed to a more normal pace.

“Tell me about Jeff, for God’s sake,” he demanded. “Is he all right?”

“I suppose so.” Charlie had had a few moments of worry about Jeff—he had assumed responsibility for him and the note of farewell at the end had been a bit odd—but he was so happy to see Peter that he didn’t see any need to worry more about him now. “He’s probably filling the world with a rage of male love. I think that’s the way he put it.”

Peter uttered brief rueful laughter. “Oh, dear. Is that the next phase? It sounds like him.”

Charlie knew he had no right to feel this deep singing contentment; having Peter once more at his side was a prize he had won by cheating. Running after him, taking him, not with real need but with calculation, seizing the opportunity to balance accounts with him for his display of nakedness—yes, that must have been in the back of his mind at first with Jeff, before it became so much more appalling. Scoring off Jeff to put Peter off the scent was the last straw—cheap and unworthy of Peter’s faith in him. He was assailed again by guilt for all the unforgivable things he had done since Peter’s departure. “Listen. I think we’d better have a talk before we go home.” He felt rather than saw Peter’s quick glance before they both returned their attention to the uneven steps. They were beginning to pant slightly with the climb.

“I wonder.” Peter interrupted himself for a breath. He had read the signs, heard the warnings in Charlie’s voice. Above all, they must avoid confessions. He didn’t want to have it all made explicit, for Charlie’s sake more than for his own. “We both probably have things to talk about. I hope we stick to the things that matter. We can sit up there on the wall and watch the sun set.”

The stepped street opened out just ahead of them and became a sloping path where the houses dwindled off and were scattered about in their own rocky grounds. Farther ahead of them, they could see the rambling walls of their own impressive establishment. They continued to climb the rock-strewn path in silence until they reached the low wall above the steep drop of rock where Peter had first kissed Judy. A significant landmark now, a reminder. He turned off the path toward it and Charlie automatically followed without missing a pace. They moved in complete unison. Although they stayed close together, there was no friction in the touch of their bodies, no moment of getting in each other’s way. Every move they made was synchronized by time and a long awareness of each other. It made Charlie more wretchedly conscious of the outrages he had committed and deepened his guilt.

Peter dropped his bag and sat on the wall facing the sinking sun, his feet propped on the narrow rock formation that dropped away to the circle of the port. Charlie sat beside him, facing the opposite direction. They turned to each other and their eyes met, clear blue in cloudy purple, not seeing details but registering an ensemble that represented for both of them the sum of delight in human intercourse. Peter leaned forward and their mouths met. Their tongues strayed briefly along each other’s lips and they drew apart. It was a casual kiss of a sort they exchanged a dozen times a day, exciting nevertheless for all it implied of the physical nature of their relationship. It made even a moment’s infatuation with Jeff wrong. Peter lay a hand in Charlie’s lap and chuckled at what he felt there.

“Everything seems to be in order,” he said.

“Christ, don’t do that,” Charlie burst out in an accumulation of self-loathing. “You’re so damn sweet and I’m a total shit. I’m really appalled by myself.”

Peter withdrew his hand and looked at his mate with instant concern. “Now listen. I meant what I said about sticking to what matters. If this has anything to do with Jeff, all I want to know is whether you think he’s getting over it.”

“Why do you go on harping on Jeff?” Charlie demanded, choosing indignation to mask guilt until he knew how much he was prepared to tell. Jeff was only part of it and he could talk about the rest more easily. “I’m talking about myself. Rushing after you yesterday, taking you on the bathroom floor to prove that I could do something for you that your girl couldn’t. I thought I’d got over that sort of thing. It was disgusting.”

“Oh, darling. No.” His voice was reproachful, but rippled with laughter. “It was absolute bliss and you know it. All right. I’ll come clean. It’s what
I
want to talk about. I got in pretty deep with Judy. Only for a few hours—but still. Deep enough to wonder a little if we might work her into the family somehow. By the time I realized it didn’t make any sense, she’d made it quite plain that she wouldn’t have been interested anyway. Then you arrived, and boy—I’d almost forgotten what you can do to me. It did sort of kill my ardor for Judy. I couldn’t get it up for her afterward. And I was
glad
, you silly shit. It was heaven feeling that I belonged so completely to you again.”

“Jesus.” Charlie almost groaned with despair. How could he hope to recover an even keel, retreat to the safety of their carefully disciplined life if he didn’t curb once more the exhibitionistic schoolboy craving of his cock for attention? Peter seemed bent on encouraging it. He felt Jeff’s skinny young body under him, arms and legs flailing, his big cock deep within it feeling almost as big as Jeff himself, claiming the boy as his own. He took a deep breath in an effort to loosen the grip of guilt. “I’m the one that talks about keeping ourselves open to new experience, I’ve carried on about not getting so turned in on ourselves that we can’t breathe, and then when something comes along that might be important for you I do everything I can to kill it. It
is
disgusting.”

“But that’s what I’m trying to tell you,” Peter broke in with exasperated laughter, reading his mind. After twenty years, they could still play games with each other. What had Jeff said? Something about coming forth into light, in his usual literary way. They had come forth and lived in the harsh glare of their own reality and suffered the consequences of exposure. A necessary and beneficial experience, teaching them about essentials. They could allow themselves now to play in the tempting shadows. Still, he preferred the light. “I don’t want experience. I want your cock. I know you don’t like me to talk about it, but I’ve got to. I know it’s not the biggest in the world because I’ve seen a couple that were maybe bigger, but they weren’t attached to the right guy. Yours will have to do. It’s a fact of life. Our life. Let me be mad for it if I want. It’s ridiculous to pretend it isn’t there. I should think a moment would come when you’d want to wave it at the whole world. That’s why I say Jeff doesn’t matter. I was feeling very ready yesterday to hold him and comfort him. When that starts, especially with a kid like Jeff, there’s no telling where it might end.”