Forty-Four Box Set, Books 1-10 (44) (137 page)

Love
, I thought.

William Cooper’s mother probably loved him, but it didn’t stop him from becoming what he eventually became. And if on some level, he in turn felt love for Emily Ross, it sure as hell didn’t do her any good.

In the end, love is all we have.

But so many times, it isn’t enough.

***

The first time I saw you, I knew you were different.

That day, so long ago, when you stood under the tree, the leaves on fire.

Your smile filling my dead black heart.

I knew you were the one.

I only wanted your love, Emily.

Never your death...

CHAPTER 68

I pulled on my sweatshirt and put the hood up over my head.

“We can go inside if you’re cold,” Ty said.

“No, it’s nice. The air here is, I don’t know, special.”

We were sitting on his porch. It was a hot August night, but I felt cold inside. I had been back a week and although it was the hottest month of the year, I couldn’t get warm. Something had seeped in my bones, deep inside me, and wouldn’t let go.

“Hang in there,” Ty had said when I first got back. “You’ll feel better in a few days.”

I thought that at first, too. But as the days passed, the cold darkness inside me only grew.

Frazier had called earlier to let me know that Emily Ross was out of her coma. She had been moved to a hospital in Portland and her condition upgraded to serious. She had spoken for the first time.

It was good news and I should have felt better. But I didn’t. I wondered if Frazier’s heart was as black and sick as mine.

I couldn’t let go of William Cooper. In the snail-paced hours between bedtime and dawn, I thought about him nonstop. I thought about the things he did to her. The incarceration. The physical, mental, and emotional torture.

The rapes.

Days and weeks and months and months of it.

How could she ever recover from that? How could she ever have any kind of life worth living?

“It’s so dark out there,” I said.

“That’s how it gets at night,” Ty said.

“That’s not what I mean. There’s so much evil, so much darkness in the world.”

“No one’s going to argue that. But there’s light too. There are people like Frazier and his partner who take it on every day. And there are people like you. You saved her. Emily is alive because of you. She’s one of the lucky ones.”

“She’s
what
?”

“She’s one of the lucky ones.”

“Oh, God damn it, Ty.”

He looked at me.

“No. Of course, you’re right,” I said. “It’s the truth. But what kind of world is this where, after what she’s been through, everything, all of it, things we can’t even begin to imagine, we sit here and say that she’s one of
the lucky ones
? Tell me, what kind of world is that?”

He didn’t say anything because there was nothing to say.

I knew it hurt Ty to see me this way. I knew he felt helpless. And I knew he wanted to say something that would make it better. But he was smart enough to know that those words didn’t exist.

“Let’s not talk about it anymore,” I said after a while. “Just hold me. And don’t let go.”

CHAPTER 69

As the days turned into weeks, and as the leaves started changing into colors I could not see, the sadness began to fade ever so slowly.

Moving boxes filled the house. But I didn’t feel bad about it anymore. Just the opposite. I was happy for Kate.

We sat at the kitchen counter, sipping tea from mugs, and eating sugar cookies hot out of the oven.

“You think you have everything?” I said for the third time.

Kate smiled.

“Well, if I don’t I can always drive back later and get it. I’m only going to be three hours away.”

“Not if you go the speed limit.”

“What are you, my grandmother?”

“All right, all right,” I said, holding up a hand. “Who are you, Sammy Hagar?”

We both smiled.

“You should try and stay with Erin as long as possible,” I said. “Her condo’s sweet.”

Kate nodded.

“She said I could hang out until I get my bearings. But I’m giving myself a month. Then I’ll start to look for a place of my own.”

I got up and grabbed the envelope on the table and slipped it into her hands.

“What’s this?”

“It’s your going away present.”

She opened it and started laughing.

“A gift certificate to Al’s Gun Shop in Portland?”

“There should be enough there to get that gun you had before.”

“You mean the one you threw in the river last Christmas?”

“That would be the one,” I said.

Kate loved her gun and I always meant to replace it. Now that she was moving to the big city, it was time.

“Thanks, sis. Now if only I could talk you into getting one yourself, especially since you’ll be living here alone.”

“I don’t need one. David and his angels have my back. He says he’s going to teach me how to
cultivate my guardians
.”

She laughed.

“Yeah, he was trying to get me to do that too. Speaking of, I had an idea the other day. As long as David’s still hanging around the house all the time, why not make it official? He could take my room and you guys could be housemates. You could charge him rent and everything.”

It was my turn to laugh. I liked David a lot, but I wasn’t sure I could handle the constant drama. Or his turtle.

“I’m not sure I could stomach waking up to the smell of Sebastian in the morning,” I said.

“Ah, c’mon. I’m sure he smells like victory.”

“He smells like dookie is what he smells like.”

“Well, it’s just an idea,” she said. “I thought that if you did that, you wouldn’t have to live in the house all alone.”

“You’re a tough act to follow. I wouldn’t want to put that kind of pressure on David. Or Sebastian. It’s probably best if I’m alone. At least at first. It’ll be like an adventure. I’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, you will.”

“Not that I won’t miss you,” I said. “Truth is, I miss you already. But mostly I’m excited and happy for you. You’re going to do great work out there, tell those stories that need to be told. It’s time. You know, like Eminem says, ‘Do not miss your chance to go.’ Or is it ‘blow’? Anyway, it’s time.”

She smiled but didn’t look over at me, keeping her eyes on the counter instead.

“Oh, Abby. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. No, I’m not going to—”

As the tears fell, we held each other, not quite ready to let go.

CHAPTER 70

I thought about running on the track, but it was too close to the Culinary Institute. Just the thought of it made me want to vomit. So I pulled into a parking lot off of Mt. Washington next to a golf course and headed up the river trail.

I had two more days.

Two more days before school started.

I tried to look at the bright side.

And there was a bright side. I was taking my first steps toward a career I was really excited about, doing something I loved. I had a lot to be happy about, a lot to be grateful for. I had Ty. Kate was in Portland and every time I spoke to her on the phone the excitement in her voice told me she had made the right decision. David was working at the café again, laughing too hard at his own jokes and having his usual wheezing fits. Lyle and Paloma had announced their engagement.

And then there was Emily Ross.

She was out of the hospital and back home in Medford on her family’s farm. Her recovery was continuing. She had gained back most of the 30 pounds she had lost. In the beginning she couldn’t remember a lot of what happened, but as the days passed her nightmares became more and more vivid.

Frazier visited her regularly and called me with updates. He said she wanted to meet me to thank me for my part in the investigation. I told him to let her know that I would try to go see her in early October.

Following the rescue Frazier and Morales became media stars. They made the rounds on CNN, Fox, and all the morning shows. Frazier seemed uncomfortable with all the attention, but Morales ate it up like he was born to play the part of hero.

Gareth Campbell didn’t shy away from the spotlight either. He blamed the police for spending too much time focusing on him and not on the real criminal.

Finally, April Cooper got in her two cents. She gave several interviews and made a special point of blaming society for turning her son into a monster.

At first that made me mad. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right. Well, half right. A lot of factors must have contributed to making William Cooper who he was. And the way he was treated at school was probably at the top of the list. But it wasn’t enough of an excuse for what he did.

That was something April Cooper neglected to mention.

Frazier was hopeful that in the coming weeks Emily would be able to fill in some of the gaps, but at this point the police still didn’t know why William Cooper had singled her out.

My steps quick and light, I pushed hard up a steep section of the trail. The grade was so intense here that all I could see in front of me was sky. I reached the top, looking down to my right at the Deschutes as it made a bend in the canyon far below. And then I stopped.

Dead in my tracks.

Up ahead a lone figure was on the path walking toward me.

CHAPTER 71

Jesse.

My heart leapt out of my chest when I saw him walking toward me.

I jumped into his arms, sweating all over him.

“Craigers. Take it easy now or people will start talking. What would your boyfriend think?”

“He understands,” I said, still breathing hard.

I hadn’t seen Jesse all summer. And I wasn’t sure I’d ever see him again. But here he was.

“Look at you,” he said. “You’re looking good. All sporty and fast.”

“Yeah. I’m pretty sure I was going to set a new PR on this course. That is, until you showed up and threw a monkey wrench in the works.”

“Ah, you wouldn’t know a monkey wrench from a Torx driver if it hit you on the head.”

“You’re probably right,” I said. “But that’s not the point.”

He took my hand as we walked over by some trees. I stared at a gray squirrel jumping between the branches.

“How have you been, Craigers?”

“You know,” I said.

“That good, huh?”

“Sometimes, yeah, but I’m doing a whole lot better now. How about you?”

“Can’t complain,” he said. “Except for those NBA Finals. Game Six still haunts me.”

“I know what you mean. I didn’t watch
SportsCenter
for two months after it ended. I still can’t hear the name LeBr—”

“Don’t even say it.”

“Okay, I won’t. Did you at least have good seats? Courtside?”

“Something like that,” he said, smiling.

We walked a little more. I could feel the nerves swirl inside. I knew he was here to tell me something. And I was pretty sure I knew what it was. I could feel it. But I was ready. People needed to do what they were going to do. Sometimes that involved leaving.

“No snow on Bachelor yet, huh?” he said.

“It’s coming.”

I looked up into his eyes. There was something different about them, a kind of sparkle. And his skin tone… It was like he had spent the summer in the Caribbean or something.

“So what exactly have you been up to?” I said.

“Figuring things out mostly. Some things never change. But I don’t have to tell you that.”

“I guess you don’t. But others do. Change, I mean.”

“Yeah, there’s that.”

“I can take it, Jesse,” I said. “Go ahead. Tell me.”

He smiled and looked into my eyes.

“Tell you what?” he said.

“That you’re leaving. And it’s okay. I love you, but I’m ready to let you go.”

I reached up and kissed him on the cheek.

“Well, it’s not okay with me, Craigers. I’m following my heart on this one. I’m sticking around here, around you. For as long as I can. That’s what I’ve come to tell you. That’s my decision.”

“You sure?” I said, my voice shaky.

“More than sure. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to figure out. But as long as I have a say in it, I’m never leaving your side. We belong together.”

He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed it softly.

I nodded and swallowed down the words stuck in my throat. I felt my eyes fill and spill over. I felt so many things.

He rested his long arm on my shoulders as we stopped at a clearing in the trees and looked at the mountains far in the distance, bare and ready for winter.

I thought about all those years we were together and how we used to chase each other down the slopes with snowboards on our feet and the icy wind in our faces. And how we had been friends forever, how our bond couldn’t be broken, how love was strong enough to keep two souls together.

No matter what.

CHAPTER 72

I sliced another square of lasagna and put it on Frazier’s plate.

“Every bit as good as my Italian experience,” he said. “And with better company.”

“You’re humoring me,” I said, smiling.

“Not true. I never joke about Lasagna Bolognese.”

We were dining outside in the backyard. When Frazier called to let me know he was passing through town on his way to Montana, I told him I would put up a road block if he didn’t stop for dinner.

“That was very special,” he said after wiping his empty plate with a piece of bread. “You’re going into the right profession.”

“Well, we’ll see. So far the classes are leaving bruises. They expect a lot. But I think it’s going to be okay once I get the hang of it.”

“You’re going to do just fine.”

I cleared the dishes. When I returned, Frazier handed me a glass filled with the Chianti Classico he had brought. We walked over to the Adirondack chairs next to the pond and sat quietly for a moment, listening to the gentle sound of the waterfall and the wind blowing through the branches.