Found (Lost and Found #2, New Adult Romance) (Lost & Found) (15 page)

Maria

“S
o, you heard anything back yet about your application?” I ask Owen in between bites of spaghetti. He made an unbelievable sauce tonight.

“No,” he answers, pushing his food around on his plate. “It’s been a week now and not a damned thing from him. Even my advisor’s in the dark about it.”

I wish I could say something to make him feel better, but I’m at a loss for words. His application was rejected two days after that jerk gave him a failing grade for going to see his mother, and now he’s waiting for his appeal to be processed. I can’t believe they’re doing this to him!

“I’m sorry,” I tell him, squeezing his hand across the table.

He smiles weakly back at me. I feel so bad for him. The world really needs to give him a break already—first his father, then his mother, and now losing his future as well? It’s just not fair.

“I’m ready whenever you two are done stuffing your face,” Tina calls out from the living room, and I roll my eyes and put down my fork. Owen and I have been eating dinner for well over an hour now, mostly to delay what Tina wants me to do afterward.

She wants me to work on my acting—to practice pretending Darren didn’t hurt me. She thinks it’ll help me stay in control when I see him at graduation.

“Okay, fine... I’m coming,” I answer, and I begrudgingly join her in the living room. She sits on the couch while I stand awkwardly in the middle of the room. I feel as if I’m in the spotlight and she’s judging me based on criteria she’s keeping secret from me.

“Posture, Maria,” she says, suddenly leaping up and hurrying to my side. “Posture, poise, and confidence. I know those are like dirty words to you, but come on. Stand up straight already.”

“I’m in for a long night, aren’t I?”

“Only as long it takes to make you feel like you’re the queen of the world. Just pretend you’re me, if you have to.”

“Tina, do you ever have problems fitting your ego through doors?”

“All the time, sweetie,” she answers with a grin, and I roll my eyes at her.

She walks around me in a circle as I try to pretend I have even a shred of confidence in myself, and then she shakes her head.

“Okay, look... the point is to pretend he didn’t hurt you,” she tells me. “You’re healthy and happy, and nothing he did bothers you anymore.”

“You know that’s not...”

“Of
course
I know that,” she interrupts. “You’re pretending, Maria. You’re going to make him feel like he has no power over you, like nothing he did means a damned thing to you anymore.”

“But why?”

She stares at me as if she can’t believe I’m asking the question.

“Because then when you believe you’re okay, you can make him
fucking miserable
the whole time he’s here,” she says. “You’re going to fool yourself into feeling like you can stand up to him.”

“Are you sure this’ll work?” I ask nervously. It’s not like I have any better ideas, but I’m pretty sure I’m just going to panic the second I see him, no matter how much practicing I do.

She ignores my question, spins around and waves to Owen.

“Hey, drop the fork and get in here, will you?” orders Tina, and then when he quickly complies, she adds, “Now put your arm around her. Good. Just like that.”

Owen puts his arm comfortingly around my waist and I smile lean into him, enjoying his touch. I love the way he makes me feel. Just standing with him makes me feel more confident already.

“Look at that. See what you just did there?” exclaims Tina. “I want you to be like that the whole time Darren’s here. I know you two aren’t big on touchy-feely shit in public, but make an exception for graduation day, okay?”

Owen kisses me on the cheek and looks at me worriedly. I know what he’s thinking and I agree with him. Tina’s plan isn’t going to work. It’s not going to work because the second I see Darren, I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. I’m not strong like she is, and I’m terrified of what’s going to happen when I see him.

“I won’t let him hurt you,” whispers Owen. “I promised I’d keep you safe, and I meant it. I’ll stay with you the entire time.”

I hug him again, swaying softly in place as I breathe in his comforting scent, until Tina clears her throat behind us.

“Owen, could you leave us for a little bit?” she asks. “No offense or anything, I just want to talk her through some stuff alone. Just a little girl-time for like ten minutes.”

“Sure. I’ll be upstairs if you need me,” he agrees, and then he hugs me once more and hurries up to my room. Tina waits patiently until he’s out of sight.

“You have no idea how scared I am, Tina,” I tell her as she turns back to me. “It’s going to be really hard for me to put on an act like you want.”

“Maria... you’re going to be okay,” she whispers. “Even if acting doesn’t help you be strong, we’re not going to let Darren hurt you again. If he so much as looks at you the wrong way, I’m going to kill him.”

She hugs me tightly, and when she finally lets go again, her eyes are burning with a terrible, fiery anger that I haven’t seen in her before. I’m seeing a side of my best friend that I’ve never seen before and it makes me nervous.

“Are you sure you don’t want us to call him out on what he did to you?” she asks. “You know the statute of limitation for rape was eliminated a few years ago, right?”

“With what evidence? It’s been
seven years,
Tina,” I tell her. “It’s my word against his, no witnesses, after seven years.”

I shake my head and Tina looks disappointed.

“Okay, but I meant what I said about him touching you,” she says, fury igniting in her eyes again. “If he touches you, I’ll fucking
kill him
.”

“Tina, you’re scaring me,” I whisper.

“
Nobody
hurts my family,” she tells me, “and you’re the sister I never had, Maria. I’m going to take care of you.”

She’s serious. My diminutive guardian angel is seriously considering killing Darren. I hate him but I’m not a murderer, and my bloodlust always fades along with the nightmares.

“I... I’m going to go check up on Owen,” I tell her nervously, and I race up the stairs.

Owen

“O
wen, could you leave us for a little bit?” asks Tina. “No offense or anything, I just want to talk her through some stuff alone. Just a little girl-time for like ten minutes.”

“Sure, I’ll be upstairs,” I say, and I leave Maria in Tina capable hands and head upstairs to her room.

I understand what Tina’s trying to do. She’s preparing Maria to face Darren, showing her how to hurt him back in the least obtrusive way possible. She wants Maria to act as if it doesn’t hurt her, not for her own sake but instead as a slap in the face to Darren. Maria’s going to pretend that she’s fine, that Darren has no power over her and that she doesn’t even remember what he did. He’s nobody and means nothing to her. That’s her goal. I don’t know if it’ll work, though.

I still feel like it’s letting him off too easily, like it still doesn’t make up for what he did to her.

I sit on her bed, listen to Tina’s muffled instructions downstairs and wait for them to finish. Without Maria here to focus my attention on, my mind quickly wanders back to my grad school rejection and my mood darkens. Now what am I going to do? I’ve appealed the decision and Professor Meador still insists that he’s going to take care of things somehow, but I think he’s just old and senile. I think they’re going to reject me again, and I have no idea what to do when that happens.

I sigh, lie down on Maria’s bed and immediately smack my head on something rock-hard beneath her pillow. What the hell is she keeping under her pillow? Bricks? Gold bars? I rub my throbbing head and grumble as I yank back the pillow, and then I stare in confused silence.

A ragged, green notebook lies on the mattress. Its cover is torn, creased and held together almost entirely by scotch tape at this point. Big black letters on the cover read, ‘Book of Nightmares.’

Without thinking, I pick up the notebook, open the cover and start reading the first page.

I shake my head and look away from the page. No, this isn’t right. I can’t read this. This is worse than even reading someone’s diary, more personal than anything else could possibly be.

I try to close the cover and put the book back, but my eyes latch back onto Maria’s tiny, scrawled handwriting. Before I know it, another paragraph has passed and my stomach is starting to feel queasy. My heart is screaming at me to close the book, to put it down before I read too much, but I can’t pull myself away from it.

I want to throw up as I read the transcript of Maria’s darkest nightmares but I can’t put the book down. I can see her in my mind, somehow just a tinier version of the Maria I know today, cowering before a shapeless, faceless Darren. I can feel him hurting her and a strong wave of nausea hits me.

I flip the page again. I feel ashamed of myself for reading her book but I can’t put it down. I knew what happened to her, but I never thought of it affecting her like this. Memory after terrible memory, nightmare after nightmare, horrible after-effects that lingered for
years
... I had no idea. I thought I understood, but I had no idea at all.

“Put it down, Owen. Put the book down before you hurt her.
”

The rest of me ignores my conscience and instead turns the page, gasping at the memory on scrawled in tiny letters before me. The ink is smeared at the top—a blurred, circular stain—as if Maria had been crying while she wrote it.

“This is going to be our little secret, okay?” whispers Darren. I stare silently up at the ceiling, trying my hardest not to look down at him. I don’t want to see what he did to me. Please don’t make look at what he did to me. I’m not ready yet.

He heads into the bathroom and then returns with a towel, throwing it on top of me.

“You’d better clean yourself up, Maria,” he tells me with cool indifference, his voice as calm and nonchalant as if he’d just finished up his gardening rather than raping me. “You wouldn’t want Micah to see what you just did, would you?”

No, I don’t want him to see. I never wanted it to happen at all.

Darren sits beside me on the bed as I shakily sit up and I flinch in terror as he nudges me with his elbow.

“Like I said—this is our secret,” he whispers, his voice now low and serious in my ear. “You know how much it’d hurt your brother to find out what you did.”

...what I did... I didn’t do anything. I didn’t want this. He’s trying to make me feel guilty, like it was my idea, like I wanted to have sex with him. All I wanted was to see my brother.

“He’d get very, very hurt if he found out,” emphasizes Darren, and I suddenly understand. He’s threatening me. He’s promising to hurt Micah if I ever tell him.

I’ll never tell a soul.

I slam the book shut, and my hands tremble as I put it back under the pillow and tried my best to hide what I’ve just done.

“Owen?” calls out Maria from behind me, and I spin around to see her leaning against the doorframe. She stares silently at me, her face cold, pale and emotionless, but the hurt look in her eyes projects what she’s feeling as if she was screaming it at the top of her lungs.

Betrayal.

An avalanche of guilt buries me as I realize what I’ve just done. I have no excuse. My conscience screamed at me the whole time I was reading her book and I still ignored it. I’ve just driven a stake into her heart. I’ve broken her trust and desecrated the safe haven she built to hide her pain. She’d have to break into my nightmares and chat pleasantly with my father as he beats me to hurt me the way I’ve just hurt her.

“Maria, I...”

“Get out,” she hisses. She’s starting to tremble, and she braces herself against the wall with one hand as her face turns as white as a sheet and her eyes go dark.

“I didn’t mean to snoop,” I try to apologize, but I can’t even convince myself it’s true. I couldn’t look away. I feel cold and almost sick to my stomach at what I’ve just read, but even more at what I’ve just done to her. I’ve just witnessed her darkest secret and watched idly as her childhood was torn apart.

Darren raped her and now I was there to see it. I’m not safe anymore.

Her face turns red and the muscles in her neck twitch as she glares at me. She’s frightened and at the same time furious—terrified of what I’ve just witnessed and angry beyond words at me for having seen it.

“Maria, please. I’m so sorry,” I apologize, hoping she’ll listen to me. I want to hug her and somehow make up for hurting her. I’ve screwed up so badly tonight.

“Get out!” she screams at me, her voice harsh and shrill as her throat tightens in anguish. She crosses her arms over her chest and shrinks away from me. She’s avoiding eye contact and I can see her retreating inside herself now. I’m only hurting her worse by staying.

I bolt from the room, my guilt and grief clinging to me every step of the way, and Maria slams the door shut behind me. The lock clicks and she starts to cry on the other side.

How could I do that to her? How
dare
I hurt her like that? I lean back against the door and listen in agony to her tears on the other side. I said I’d protect her from Darren—that I’d never let him hurt her again—and look what I’ve gone and done. I’ve found a way to make the memories hurt even worse.

I need to leave her alone before I hurt her any more.

Tina’s waiting for me downstairs in the living room with her feet up on the coffee table. She drums her fingers on the arm of the sofa and shoots me a look that says she’s still trying to decide whether to pity me or to rip my throat out.

“Do I even want to ask what you just did?” she asks sarcastically with a gleaming, sharp edge to her voice.

I sit down next to her, lay my head in my arms on the table and take a deep breath before answering. My chest is so heavy that it feels like I’m going to suffocate.

“I couldn’t stop reading it,” I whisper. “I found the book, and once I started, I couldn’t pull myself away.”

She gasps in abject horror. “Was it the green notebook?”

The guilty tears pooling in my eyes are confession enough. I don’t need words.

“You stupid fuck,” she yells at me, raising her hand as if to hit me, and I instinctively wince and draw back from her.

“How could you do that to her?” she hisses, her eyes narrowing to angry slits. “How the
fuck
could you hurt her like that?”

“I didn’t know...”

“Yes, you did! What else would be in the ‘book of nightmares,’ hidden underneath her pillow, but
her nightmares
?” she shouts at me, and then drops her voice to a terrifying, hateful whisper as she continues. “You knew what happened to her. You knew what that book was and kept on reading anyway.”

I hang my head in shame. She’s right. I did know. I have no excuse and I know it.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“You need to convince Maria that you mean that, not me,” she quietly tells me. “I’ll forgive you when she does.”

I don’t know what to do. How can I possibly undo the damage that I’ve caused tonight? I don’t know if I could have hurt her any worse even if I’d meant to.

“Should I go back up and talk to...”

“No,” interrupts Tina, glaring angrily at me. “You should get the fuck out of our apartment. Right now.”

I stare at her in bewilderment. “What? You want me to just get up and leave Maria like this after what I did?”

“Yes, I do,” she answers incredulously. “Do you really think she’s going to forgive you tonight? Do you seriously think you can waltz back upstairs, say ‘Oopsie, my bad,’ and she’ll unlock the door and throw herself into your arms after you betrayed her?”

Tina shakes her head and scoffs before continuing. “God almighty, Owen! How the fuck did you not see this coming? You’ll be lucky if she doesn’t claw your eyes out. Go home and let me at least try to calm her down first, okay?”

She’s right; I’ve ruined everything. Her choice of words was perfect—I betrayed her. There’s no way Maria is going to forgive me for this. I get up from the sofa and drag my heavy heart toward the door. It somehow feels like the living room goes on forever and my legs are like lead.

“Owen?” Tina calls after me.

I look at her over my shoulder, hoping desperately that whatever she’s about to say is good news, that she’s thought of a way to fix my idiocy and undo the damage.

“Goodbye,” she whispers, and then she gets up, hurries upstairs and leaves me standing alone in the doorway.

Tina’s farewell drives it home for me as I trudge up the long staircase toward my apartment. There is no ‘happily ever after’ for Maria and me. She gave me her trust, fragile and beautiful, and I shattered it.

A soft roll of distant thunder echoes along the rows of identical apartments and a raindrop hits my shoulder, followed by more and more droplets as the weather worsens. I knew it was going to rain tonight, but the thick, dark clouds overhead remind me of the powerful storms back home out east than normal Ithaca rain. I make it into my apartment just before the downpour starts.

“Hey, Owen... you got some mail from the school,” Craig calls to me from the couch where he’s watching a soccer game. “I left it outside your door.”

I don’t bother saying anything but instead continue straight past him and up the stairs to my room. I snatch up the small white envelope and lay on my bed as I rip it open.

I crumple the rejection letter into a ball, hurl it across the room and then lay on the bed as abject misery consumes me. I hurt her in a way I’m only beginning to understand, desecrated her safe place, read through her worst fears and nightmares. I broke her trust in the worst way I possibly could have, and the sound of her hurt, betrayed tears fills my head and drowns out even the storm pounding on the roof.