Fractured (13 page)

‘It sounds like having a baby was very important to her.’

‘Yeah. She said there was no rush, that it would happen when we were both ready, but … once we got pregnant, she told me that
she’d been doing all these things without telling me: taking her temperature, ovulation tests, herbal tablets, the lot.’

‘Why do you think she didn’t tell you?’

He started to pick at a splinter of wood on the arm of the bench. He thought back to those months: the bickering, Anna pretending
that she hadn’t been crying even though her eyes were red and swollen. ‘Because I would have told her she was being silly,
that maybe the reason she couldn’t get pregnant was because she was too stressed, trying too hard. We were in the supermarket
one day and she stood for ages in the aisle reading the backs of the little bottles of vitamins that claimed to be able to
help with fertility. She picked one up, said that it was probably rubbish, so I nodded and said yes, it was a load of crap.
That was it: she threw them on the floor, accused me of not wanting a baby, and burst into tears.’

Dr Morgan waited as a nurse walked past them towards the hospital, then turned to Tony again. ‘Why do you think she said you
didn’t want a baby?’

‘She knew I did, I just didn’t feel there was any rush. She wanted me to go to the doctor after only six months, to get some
tests too, but I didn’t see the need.’

‘Anna had already been to see her doctor about it?’

‘She went to the GP without telling me. The doctor ordered some blood tests or something and told her that there wasn’t any
need to worry yet, that it can take a year. But she got so desperate, so obsessed with it all, so I went too. All my tests
came back normal. The GP said we had to wait a few more months before she could refer us to a fertility doctor … So eventually
we went, and the specialist couldn’t find anything wrong either. He said that sometimes couples just weren’t
compatible
.’ He smiled sarcastically and turned towards Dr Morgan. ‘Can you believe that? He meant the egg and sperm, but it was ironic
– by that point, I was almost starting to have my doubts about us.’

Dr Morgan said nothing, but kept watching Tony. He blushed. ‘No, I wasn’t. I don’t know why I said that. I knew from when
I met her that she was the one.’ His voice was cracking; he tried to cover it up by laughing. ‘She wanted something to be
wrong with me, so she could blame me.’

‘It sounds like she was blaming herself.’

He stretched his legs out. ‘Yeah.’ He remembered how relieved he’d been when the test showed that the problem wasn’t his fault.
Had he blamed Anna, just a bit? Had he been a little smug in the knowledge that there was no problem with his fertility? He
had tried to stay supportive and sympathetic, but had Anna seen through him? He pushed the thought away. ‘Anyway, we didn’t
need any treatment in the end.’

‘No?’

‘No.’ He smiled. ‘We were ready to start IVF. Anna seemed to be back to her old self by then – you know, she had a plan, she
said she knew it would work. She was more positive, less anxious. But then she felt weird when she was teaching one day; she
stood up in the classroom and felt dizzy. I got home from work and found her asleep on the couch, then the next morning she
came back
through to the bedroom after her shower and held up a little plastic stick.’ He smiled at the memory of Anna squealing and
jumping all around the house. He’d realised then, when the test was positive, that he wanted a child as much as she did, that
his life before that moment seemed empty and frivolous, and how much he looked forward to having his own family.

His face crumpled and he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. He didn’t want to take his hands away; for a few moments,
he had been back with Anna and Jack, back in their life before all this had happened. Back with their excitement and dreams
and anticipation.

It was all gone now.

He looked straight ahead, swallowed, then spoke. ‘Does she understand what’s happened? To Jack, I mean?’

Dr Morgan shook her head. A breeze had picked up and it blew her hair around her face; she tucked it behind her ears. ‘Anna’s
still … she’s still very unwell. I don’t know that she’d be able to understand right now.’

‘Has she mentioned him?’

‘A few times. She’s asked if he’s OK, but then she moves on to something else. But that’s not unusual in this situation, Tony.
She’s psychotic, her thoughts are very confused, and she’s paranoid. I also think she’s been hearing voices. We’ve noticed
her muttering to herself, and she’s talked about people telling her to do things.’

Tony bit his lip. He pictured her at home lying in bed, staring into the corner as if there were someone there, mumbling,
then pushed the image away.

‘Before she came into hospital, how was she?’

Tony wanted to tell the psychiatrist all of his doubts, every moment, every word that he’d gone over and over in his mind.
How much was relevant? How much did Dr Morgan need to know? He couldn’t help but feel that he was betraying Anna by talking
about her. He reminded himself that Dr Morgan wasn’t the police. She was there to help Anna, and that’s what he wanted to
do, too. Wasn’t it?

‘She wasn’t good. I just thought she was tired, you know, she had a new baby, no sleep.’ His voice got softer. ‘To begin with
I thought that maybe she was depressed. She’d be really down, then she’d be OK, then down again. I told her to go to the GP.
I said that my mum could come over and help her. I didn’t know … I didn’t know it was serious. She’d gone to the doctor and
she said she was fine.’ His heart was racing now. He could see her, lying on that damn bed, saying nothing. He had walked
out the door and left them. ‘I didn’t know this was going to happen!’

‘Tony, Tony …’ Dr Morgan held her hands out towards him. ‘Please – it’s not your fault. I’m just trying to find out whatever
I can to help Anna.’

‘Sorry —’

‘Don’t be silly, there’s nothing to be sorry for.’

He wasn’t so sure.

Just then, he heard the electronic chirping of a pager. Dr Morgan apologised and reached down to rummage through her bag.
She took out a black plastic pager the size of her palm, pressed a button on the top to make the beeping stop, then another
to read the message. She frowned, put it back in her bag and stood up. ‘I’m sorry to cut this short, but that was the ward
– I need to go back.’

‘OK, I —’

Dr Morgan hesitated. ‘It’s Anna. The nurse is worried about her.’

‘What? What’s happened?’ He stood up straightaway, his heart pounding. What else could possibly be wrong?

‘We don’t need to panic, it’s just that she’s got a bit of a temperature —’

‘A temperature? She’s sick! I knew it! I told them in Emergency – there’s something physically wrong with her, they haven’t
looked properly. My God. She’s just had ECT, but she was sick all along!’ He shook his head. ‘I should never have agreed to
this.’

Dr Morgan took a step towards him and spoke calmly. ‘It could be anything. It might just be a cold. Let’s go back and see.’

He wanted to yell, to lash out. He had trusted the doctors, even though he hadn’t wanted to, when they told him Anna was
physically OK. He had trusted their judgement when they said she needed to be in a psychiatric hospital, that they’d make
her better, but now she was getting worse. He had trusted them to care for her properly. Shame bolted through him like an
electric shock – he had failed to look after her, too.

Sunday, 9 August 2009

When Jack had finished feeding, Anna wrapped him up tightly in his blankets, then put him in the clear plastic cot in the
corner of the hospital room. She hung the ‘do not disturb’ sign outside the door, then undressed and showered with the bathroom
door open so she could hear him if he cried. She was glad she had brought her own shampoo. She wanted to make sure that she
looked nice today, the day she took her baby home.

She dried herself with the thin hospital towel, wishing she’d brought her own – she would definitely remember to put that
on her list for the next baby. She smiled at the thought of Tony’s face if she told him she already wanted another one. She
unfolded the pale green dress from her drawer, unrolled a tan belt, then dressed quickly before checking on Jack. He was fast
asleep now, his mouth making little sucking motions. She resisted the urge to touch his soft cheek again, in case she woke
him. He hadn’t slept for most of the night; he needed some quiet time now. She towel-dried her hair, in case the hair dryer
woke him, then combed it. With the bags packed beside her, she sat on the bed and flicked through a magazine until Tony opened
the door ten minutes later.

‘Your taxi is here!’ He leaned over to kiss Jack, then her. ‘Are you both ready?’

‘Yes,
so
ready! We’ve just got to wait for all the paperwork. I told them you were coming at nine but of course it’s still not here.’
She rubbed at her eyes and stifled a yawn.

‘How did the night go? You look tired.’

‘You’re lucky you went home. Jack was unsettled all night again; every time I thought he was falling asleep I put him down,
and then he’d start crying again. The only way he’d settle was in my arms, but of course you’re not allowed to cuddle them
in bed.’ She blinked back tears. ‘Sorry, I’m being silly. That horrible night nurse was on again, the one who said I was breastfeeding
all wrong. I don’t know, I just felt intimidated by her. So stupid … She came in with her torch and shone it in my face and
made me put him back in the cot, and then he woke up again.’

‘Oh no, I’m sorry.’

‘It’s fine, I’m just so glad to be going home. Then I can do what I think is best.’

Tony took a step closer to her and put his arm around her shoulders. ‘You should have called me. I told you to phone if you
needed me.’

At one point last night she had held her mobile phone in her hand, urging herself to call Tony and tell him how lonely she
was, and that she needed his help, but she had put the phone down again. He was tired too; it wouldn’t have been fair. She
looked at him now and smiled. ‘Doesn’t matter. I hope you enjoyed your good night’s sleep – it’s probably the last one for
a while!’

He looked down at Jack again. ‘I can’t wait to have my little family at home. I’ll go and get a trolley for all these flowers.’
He squeezed her shoulder and walked out.

Anna rechecked all the cupboards and drawers. She couldn’t wait to get out of here, away from the noise of nurses chattering
and babies screaming, away from the constant stream of people in and out of her room, the lack of privacy. But at the same
time it was strange knowing that she was going home to the place where she’d only ever lived as one half of a couple. And
now they were three.

Within minutes, Tony was back, waving an envelope in one hand and pushing a metal trolley with the other. ‘We are officially
free to go!’ he said in a mock deep voice. She laughed, carefully picked up Jack, and stood waiting for Tony to load the trolley.
Just
then, a cleaner came into the room. Anna asked her to take their picture, then stood next to Tony and smiled for the camera.
Their first family photograph.

They left two of their eight bunches of flowers at the nurses’ station for the ward staff, went down in the lift, then walked
out of the hospital. Anna raised her head and breathed deeply. She hadn’t been outside for five days.

‘I’d forgotten how cold it was,’ she said as she wrapped the white blanket tighter around Jack. ‘It’s like being in a bubble
in there.’

When they got to the car, Anna strapped Jack into the capsule. ‘Babe, do you think he’s in right?’

Tony glanced over. ‘Yeah, looks good.’ He continued to load the boot with the bags and gifts.

‘Can you check it for me?’ Jack looked so tiny and vulnerable. He had no idea what was happening to him. She leaned down and
kissed his head. Her eyes filled with tears as she whispered to him, ‘We’re taking you home now.’

* * *

Back at the house, Anna gasped and laughed when she saw the front door. It was covered with blue balloons. She was so lucky:
she had a thoughtful, loving husband, and now a gorgeous son. She kissed Tony. ‘Aw, that’s very sweet, babe, thank you!’

‘I was hoping they’d still be there when we got back – I didn’t think about how to attach them, all I could find was sticky
tape.’

‘They’re lovely. Let’s get inside.’

Anna lifted the sleeping baby out of the capsule and cradled him in one arm. She looked around, hoping that one of the neighbours
would be out in their garden so she could show him off, but the street was quiet. She followed Tony up the path to the door.

Inside, she gently laid Jack in his wicker bassinette next to their bed. Ursula had given it to her; it had been Tony’s and
Lisa’s when they were babies. The white sheets with little yellow elephants embroidered in the corners were pulled tight across
the mattress. The cot was all set up in the nursery, but he was too little for that
at the moment, and Anna wanted him to sleep next to them for a few months. As she looked down at Jack, Tony put his arms around
her waist from behind and hugged her. ‘He’s beautiful,’ he said. ‘Well done, Anna.’

‘I didn’t do it on my own!’ She leaned down, wincing from the pain of her scar.

‘I’ll get him,’ Tony said. ‘You’re not meant to lift, remember?’

He picked up the bassinette and they went into the living room. She heard Jessie’s claws clattering on the glass doors at
the back of the room, and looked up to see her leaping around in circles, her tail in a frenzy. Anna laughed. ‘Jessie!’ She
turned to Tony. ‘I think we should wait until she’s calmed down a bit before we let her in to meet Jack.’

‘Good idea.’ He put the bassinette on the kitchen bench that separated the kitchen from the living area. He smiled. ‘What
now?’

‘Yeah – weird isn’t it?’

‘Go and have a lie-down, babe. You must be tired. I’ll bring him through if he seems hungry.’

She slowly made her way back down the hall into their bedroom, loosening her belt, and lay down, groaning with pleasure at
being back in her own bed. She rolled onto her side, still surprised that her bump had gone, and fell fast asleep.

Jack’s cries woke her from the middle of a dream and she jumped up instinctively, then fell back down again from the tight,
pulling pain in her abdomen. ‘Shit!’

Tony walked in with the baby. ‘You OK?’

‘Fine – just got up too quickly.’

‘I think he’s hungry.’

‘Help me get some of these cushions right, will you?’

Tony put the baby down on the bed and helped Anna get settled against the pillows. ‘Good job you were organised and made all
those meals for the freezer. I’ve put some lasagne in the oven, and I even bought some of that yucky rocket to make a little
salad. I might even have some too.’

‘Thanks, babe. Just give me half an hour or so.’

When Tony left, Anna tried to remember what the midwives had told her about getting the baby to latch onto her to feed. Jack
was crying. His little face was red, and his fists were clenched on the end of his rigid arms. ‘Shhh, little one, I’m trying
…’

She couldn’t seem to get it right. She held Jack’s weight in her left hand and forearm, trying to remember where to put her
fingers, and with her right hand she moulded her breast into what she thought was the correct shape. She could see a blister
on her nipple: it was going to hurt. She tensed her shoulders, then, when he opened his mouth to scream, she pushed Jack onto
her breast. He started sucking straightaway. She squeezed her eyes shut as a burning pain shot through her. ‘No, no, no …’
She poked her finger into the side of Jack’s mouth to break the suction and tried again, then again. ‘What am I doing wrong?’
she said aloud, her eyes smarting with tears. He was hungry, getting more and more worked up. Anna forced herself to relax
and swapped him to her other breast. She gritted her teeth against the pain and tried to breathe deeply, telling herself that
it would pass. The nurse had told her that it would be uncomfortable for a while. It was getting better now. She lay back
on the pillow and closed her eyes.

* * *

The afternoon passed quickly. Jim and Ursula came over with a bottle of champagne, a chicken casserole and some gifts from
the family, but left after a glass of bubbly. Anna was glad when they went home; she just wanted to be alone with Tony and
Jack. By 8:30 p.m., she couldn’t stop yawning.

‘I might go to bed soon,’ she said, thinking of her soft pillow and warm blankets.

‘I’ll hold him while you get ready,’ said Tony. ‘Go and get into bed. I’ll be there in a minute.’

‘It’s OK, he’ll need a feed soon anyway. I’ll take him through with me and try and get him settled. You can sleep in the spare
room.’

‘No, I’ll stay in with you, babe.’

‘Don’t be silly – I’ll probably be up all night.’ She couldn’t help but feel excited. This was what she’d waited so long for:
these long hours in the dim light, cuddling her newborn baby. She wanted to be part of that mothers’ club, to complain about
how little sleep she’d had; she looked forward to it. ‘You have to work tomorrow, so get some sleep. There’s not much you
can do anyway during the night; he’ll just need to be fed.’

‘Are you sure?’ Tony looked relieved. It made Anna smile. Other wives would make their husbands stay up with them, but she
wanted to show Tony that she could cope on her own. He had to work; she would care for Jack. ‘Well, only if you promise to
come and get me if you need any help. Anything at all.’

‘I promise.’

Tony carried the bassinette through to the bedroom. She hadn’t noticed earlier that he’d put fresh linen on the bed. She smiled
at the mismatched pillowcases and opened her mouth to mention it, but saw his serious face and closed it again. She loved
that he had tried. He picked up the small table from the corner of the room and moved it next to the bed then lifted the bassinette
onto it. He left and came back with a big glass of water that he put on the bedside table. After arranging the pillows around
Anna, he handed Jack to her and kissed them both goodnight.

‘I’ll leave the door open so I can hear you, OK?’

‘OK. Goodnight.’

‘Promise you’ll shout if you need me?’

‘Yes! But I’ll be fine!’

Anna prepared herself for the pain of Jack latching on again, then once he was feeding, turned out the bedside lamp. She nestled
back into the pillows and let her eyes adjust to the dark, gazing at the little person in her arms. Jack looked just like
Tony. Maybe his nose was a little like hers, but already she could see that his eyes were the same as his father’s, the eyes
that were now closed in concentration as his jaw pumped up and down to extract every last drop of milk from her. It burned.
It would get better though, Anna was sure. She leaned down and smelled Jack’s skin, all soapy
and milky. That was the baby smell they talked about, the smell that mothers loved.

At that moment, she never wanted to let him go.

* * *

The following days and nights rushed by in a confusion of catnapping and crying. The books said to sleep when the baby did,
but if Anna had done that, she wouldn’t have had time to get out of her pyjamas. Jack seemed to know the minute she closed
her eyes: that was when he would wail. There was so much else to do too: washing, tidying, shopping. The books said to leave
the housework until things settled down, but then she was more agitated about the mess. The books also said to eat properly,
but she was too tired to get out of bed and prepare some food. Jack seemed to be feeding so much; every two or three hours
he’d cry, Anna would prepare herself for the pain as he started to feed, then she would change him and try to settle him,
and an hour later it would start again. It was relentless.

As she fed Jack, she trawled the internet on her phone, trying to find out what she was doing wrong, but everything she read
told her that this was normal. She couldn’t see how it was possible: how could people survive this?

On the third night at home, Anna gave up hoping that she would sleep. She sat on the edge of her bed holding Jack, using her
legs to bounce him up and down as she didn’t have the energy to stand up any more. It was after 3 a.m.; Jack hadn’t slept
for longer than twenty minutes since they went to bed at nine. She had written it all down in her diary. She had fed him four
times, but he wouldn’t stop fussing. Her mind was racing. Was she making enough milk? Her breasts felt empty. He obviously
needed something from her that she wasn’t able to give him.

She started to cry. She needed some help. Couldn’t Tony hear him crying? Hear her?

‘Shh, Jack … Shh …’

But she was only making it worse; Jack screamed louder. It was as if he was in a trance. Anna knew that she was too tired
and too upset to help him now. ‘Stop crying, please!’ She put Jack on the bed, covered her face with her hands and sobbed.

Tony heard that. He came through to the bedroom, rubbing his eyes and yawning. ‘What’s happening?’

She glared at him. How dare he yawn and look tired when he’d been fast asleep for hours? ‘Can’t you hear him? I haven’t been
to sleep yet, I’ve fed him again and again, I don’t know what’s wrong, he won’t stop crying …’

Tony picked up Jack from the bed. ‘Why didn’t you come and get me?’

‘What’s the point? You can’t feed him. I’m just so tired. Even an hour’s sleep … It’s been days and days and I haven’t slept
for more than an hour or two. I can’t do it – I don’t know what to do.’