Fragments (22 page)

Her sighs were a balm to my soul. With each thrust, I climbed higher to redemption. Our lips continued to fuse together in a symmetry of passion like nothing I'd felt before. I reached behind me and grabbed her right hand in mine, bringing it up above her head. Our fingers interlinked, clenched, as I felt myself getting closer. I pushed down on our hands, while manoeuvring my other hand lower to stroke her. I wanted her to let go. As my tongue delved into her mouth, the pace of my fingers increased and her gasps were swallowed by my lips. I could feel her thighs clutching me. 

"Bea, please … I can't hold on for much longer," I grunted.

"I'm close. So … close," she gasped, and with a twirl of my hips and a stroke of my fingers, I felt her gasp into my mouth and she shuddered, not once breaking eye contact with me.

Her release was my undoing. I followed her with my own and I moaned deeply into her mouth. I collapsed on top of her as our panting and sweaty bodies heaved in exertion. I lifted my head and she gave me a weak and very satiated smile. My soul felt healed as I gently kissed her eyelids, nose, cheeks, and lips.

Afterwards, as she lay on my chest, I brushed her hair from her face and stared at the wall across from her bed. I could feel my self-doubt creeping back and coiling into my lungs, but I closed my eyes and pushed it away for now. For now, I wanted to relish this moment so I could relive it later.

I gently drifted off, only to be woken up by gentle kisses across my chest. My body, already in tune with hers, began to waken, and I moaned when her lips lowered, tasting me. Before too long, my head was between her thighs and I relished in tasting her and watching her ignite for me again. Our bodies, charged with desire, continued to passionately taste each other until I entered her again and felt complete. In my final thrust, I stared down at her and memorised that face. It was the face that I knew would haunt my dreams, and one that I didn’t deserve to have love me.

I waited for her body to settle next to mine, and as I listened for the soft sounds of her breathing to start, my mind couldn’t help replaying her words, “
I wanted it to be you,
” over and over. Each time was a reminder that I was selfish and didn’t deserve her. I’d belted up a guy, for fuck’s sake; I’d dated her enemy. I was a product of my arsehole father, not right for her. As she slept next to me again, I gently touched her face one more time before I quietly left her bed and changed into my wet clothes. I approached the window and half expected her to stir, but thankfully she didn’t. I turned one last time to look at her and stamped that image to my memory. Raising the windowpane, I left soundlessly and walked, didn’t run, as the rain continued to pelt against my cold skin. I knew she would be angry that I’d left her without a goodbye again, but in time, I knew she’d forget me. Someone worthy of her would replace me.

“And little by little a smoke came towards us,

It was dark as night, and yet there was no way

In which we could escape from that place.”

Purgatorio XV/XVI
; lines 142–145

Trice

As I stirred from my sleep, I rolled from my stomach to my back and stretched my arms. I felt a delicious stirring in my body. I could’ve sworn last night was a dream. A very, very sexy dream, yet the ache between my legs told me otherwise. Glancing over to the other side of my bed, I wasn’t surprised to find it empty. I knew that Alex would have left before my family woke up. For a split second, I panicked, wondering if anyone had heard anything—I must admit, I didn’t even consider if we were loud or if we woke the house up. I closed my eyes and mentally asked that no one heard.
Please let them be deaf as they sleep.

              Swinging my legs over, I delicately shifted them to the ground. My whole body ached. I felt as if I had been training for a big performance and my body was in the exercise lag the next day. Taking a deep breath, I stood up and walked towards my dressing table. Glancing in the mirror, I didn’t look any different, yet I felt it. My eyes twinkled back at me and I leant in closer to stare back at reflection. Smiling to myself, I turned and assessed my room. Nothing seemed out of order, which was good. I grabbed a few tissues, scrunching them, and covered the remnants of last night in my bin and then walked over to my wardrobe to choose my outfit for the day. I had a spring in my step, despite my discomfort.  I chuckled and bounced on my toes, then twirled as my fingertips tingled. Would my family guess what had happened? Oh God, I hoped not. I felt like I had been riding a horse. Selecting my favourite jeans and blue woollen jumper, I headed for the shower before my mamma came to wake me up.

              Once I had showered, I quickly dressed and headed back to my room. In my daze from waking up, I didn’t even think to check for the message Alex would have sent me, as he always did when he used to stay the night all those years ago. Now that we had slept together, would he say something sexy? Or cute? Would it make me smile? Would he miss me? My belly fluttered. Picking up my phone, I hit the side to make it light up and was struck with—nothing. No messages. Holding my phone up, I saw I had full reception and was confused. Where was the message? He always sent me one when he ‘slept’ over. Why was this time any different? Was it embarrassment?
Oh, God … What if he had been drunk or something and didn’t remember?
I shook my head and scolded myself.

“You idiot,” I muttered. He knew what he was doing. Sighing, I logged into my phone and retrieved my messages. Should I message him? After debating with myself, I quickly opened a text to him and simply wrote:

Me: Hey

I stood there, nervous but excited, idly waiting for the message to come in. I began pacing back and forth in my room, contemplating the reasons why he hadn’t messaged back. Every so often, I’d light up my phone to check it. I waited another ten minutes. I checked it again. Nothing. Rechecking the time, I realised it was only ten am.
Maybe he’s asleep
.

After staring aimlessly at my phone, I gave up and slid it into my pocket. Breakfast first; sort out Alex later. My fingers, though, were yet to receive that memo, as they retrieved my phone out of my pocket and sent off a lightning quick text saying,

Me: You okay?  

I waited and heard nothing. Feeling slightly foolish and desperate, I put my phone away, and as my heart tightened in my chest, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his mother wanted him to help sort out his dad’s stuff? Maybe his phone was on silent? Shaking my head of the thoughts clouding my mind, I left my room and headed for the kitchen to grab a coffee to clear my head. My parents were hanging out in the living area reading the Saturday paper, while Robbie was slurping his cereal at the kitchen table.

“Morning everyone.” Glaring down at Robbie, I couldn’t help but remark, “Must you eat like a four-year-old?”

He looked up, grabbed another spoonful, and slurped the entire thing until he started to cough and splutter. Laughing, I simply said, “Dickhead,” and sat down, but not before I quickly checked my phone.
Still nothing.
Deciding against sending another desperado text, I busied myself with pouring some cereal while I mused about how strong I wanted my coffee. Nuclear should do it. Filling my cup almost to the top, I allowed for only a dash of milk and three sugars. I loved my coffee sugary and was the only one who did in my family. According to my brother, I was ruining the taste of coffee.
Whatever, slurpie.

              While eating my cereal, I glanced around at my parents, who were busy discussing the latest political saga. Bloody politics. I hated it. So far, no one seemed to notice anything different about me. Looking back at Robbie, I saw he was texting on his phone with a small smile on his face, which automatically drove my fingers to retrieve my own phone and yep, nothing.

“Who are you waiting on, Trice? You keep looking at your phone with a frown?”

I jolted and quickly put my phone away. Uh-oh. Busted.

“No one. I was just waiting on the girls,” I lied.

Robbie squinted and then said loudly, “Is it a boy you’re waiting on? Oohhhh. Beatrice might be in lurvvvve.”

I cringed and shot him a death look. Before I could tell him to rack off, our mamma’s voice carried over from the lounge area. “Maybe it's that market boy. The nice one.”

I groaned and said, “No, Ma, it’s not. I’m just waiting on Trin.”

I felt guilty using her name, hoping she would drop it. Robbie, however, decided that tormenting me this morning was his new favourite thing.

“The market guy? What market guy? Is he homeless?”

I rolled my eyes and scoffed at him. “No, you freaking idiot. He owns a stall with his family. He handles the pancakes.”

Sadly, he didn’t let it rest and decided to pretend to be a doting brother.

“Oh, I can roughen him up if he tries to hurt my baby sister!” He laughed, punching his chest like an ape. “I’ll kick his arse if he hurts you.”

I flicked my tongue to my teeth to save myself from launching into a litany of swearing. I knew Mamma was a ninja with her shoe and I couldn’t be bothered with it this morning. 

“Well, if it is Kyle,” my mamma piped up, “Trice doesn’t need to be protected as she doesn’t have awful taste in boys, unlike you with your terrible taste in girls.”

I inwardly cringed as I wondered what she would say if she only knew about last night. I also mentally calculated how long it would take my dad to unlock the gun cabinet. 

Looking at my phone again, the sting of disappointment curdled in my gut as I craved that text from Alex. I knew his past with girls was shady, but I thought—I mean, I hoped that it would be different for me. That he would choose me and be with me from now on. The unstoppable wave of hope was rising above me as well as the sense of dread of the possibility of it coming crashing down.

              Later in my room, I fiddled with the settings on my phone, changing my message and ring tone to something that was more attentive. I knew I was crucifying myself so I needed my girls to come over and distract me. Haze believed we had plans for tonight, but I felt far too muddled to remember what, exactly. A sharp knock at my door caused me to startle. Robbie leaned against the frame, smirking at me.

“Geez, sis. If he’s keeping your mind busy that much, I hope he’s a decent guy. Looks like he’s being a dick, though.”

I sighed in frustration and just muttered, “Drop it, Robbie. It doesn’t matter. Anyway, what’s up?”

He rose from the frame and headed closer to me. “You coming to Nick’s twenty-first shindig at his house? They’re having a huge bonfire. Should be good.”

Oh! That’s it.
Nodding, my brain clicked into gear.

“Yeah, we are actually. I thought we had plans and I forgot what. The girls are coming over so I’ll head over with them. Haze got her license and her dad got her a Jeep, so we’re going to burn up her daddy’s fuel card.” 

“Haze got a Jeep? Top choice for the ninja. Daddy must be so proud,” Robbie teased.

“Robbie, it’s bribe money so she likes him better this week. Personally, she couldn’t give a shit. She was happy to save up for a cheap box but her dad wouldn’t let her. Lay off; she has a crap home life.”

“I know that—I’m just joking. Anyway, I can spot you guys a lift if you would rather—”

“Ah, thanks, but no. You will cramp my style. Let us go without the brother shadow.”

He winked and whispered in a bad sexy voice, “Ohh, Kyle!” 

I motioned with my hands for him to leave. Yawning, I decided I’d nap to save the

disappointment of the waiting game time.
He better bloody message me soon
, I thought as I snuggled under my covers.

*              *              *              *              *

              Much later, when the girls arrived, I debated on whether or not to tell them about what had happened last night. My sense of self-preservation wasn’t helping me out at all. Twirling my fingers in my lap, I sighed and glanced over at Haze and Trin, who both had my MP3 player while trying to pick out some tunes.

“Um, Haze? Trin?” They both stopped what they were doing to look at me. I bit my lip and sighed. Haze rushed to me and grabbed my arm.

“You okay? What’s wrong?”

My eyes fill with tears as I slumped on my bed. “I … I don’t know how to tell you this without you judging me but … last night Alex came over and we kinda … did it.” 

Haze’s eyes bugged out of her head.

“You
did
it?” she asked. “As in,
did it,
did it?” Her lips began twitching, eager to hear my response,

“Yeah, we did.”

“Well, it’s about fucking time!” bellowed Trin.

I cringed and whisper-yelled at her, “Shut up! I don’t want the house to know!”

Both girls started laughing, which triggered me to giggle as well.

“How do you feel?” Haze asked. “Do you feel, you know, different?”

I tilted my head and thought about it. “Yeah, I do, but then I don’t. I guess that doesn’t make sense. I mean, I felt really happy this morning and now … I don’t have a good feeling.” Blinking back tears, my voice broke. “So, does that make me a tart? He hasn’t called or messaged me. I think I was a one-nighter.”