Fragments of your Soul (The Mirror Worlds Book 1) (29 page)

The White Month

The next few weeks flew by, mainly because Arvid was extremely busy. She fixed her clothes and continued her training, sometimes with Nod, sometimes with Loke. From him she also got a stack of books she was to work through. At first she was a little discouraged by the amount, but soon she realized that she was so fascinated by the reading that she devoured the books in no time.

One book was about the Ice Wastes and the local wildlife. The remaining books described manipulating pre-existing light and were highly captivating. Arvid tried her hand at all the techniques described, and although she didn’t succeed in everything, she was amazed at how much she already could manage. She could wipe out light completely and change its color. Of course, she also dealt with new illusions, even if she didn’t know why this was of relevance for Loke’s plan. Loke himself was more helpful than usual and even seemed to make an effort not to instigate a quarrel at every opportunity.

After three weeks, while Nod and Arvid were eating breakfast, Loke told them that he would be absent again for several days.

“And where are you going?” said Arvid.

“As always, that’s none of your business,” he replied. “I return in about eight days. After that we will have to leave soon.”

“I see,” said Arvid. “Don’t you want to frame some rules?”

Loke blinked at her in confusion. “What?”

“Well, forbid me to read the books in your chamber, for instance,” she said mockingly. “I could find information about you, such as the name of your mother. That would be quite a disaster, wouldn’t it?”

Nod visibly held his breath, but Loke only placed his hands on the table and leaned toward her. “Unfortunately I don’t have time for a fight,” he said with mock regret. “Oh, how will I miss this the next few days. I almost wish I could take you with me, so you can annoy me with stupid questions on the way!”

“Anytime,” Arvid said. “You just have to ask me.”

Loke pushed backward from the table and began to laugh out loud. He looked exceptional, with his tall, almost unnaturally skinny figure and the wild orange hair.

“I’ll pass,” he said then. “See you in a few days.”

On the morning of the following day Arvid found Nod outside on the rock patio by the waterfall. He sat on one of the great rocks and looked different than usual: taller, more masculine, with broad shoulders and an angular face. Nevertheless, he smiled meekly as always when he saw Arvid.

“A new form,” said Arvid while she sat down next to him. “How come?”

Nod shrugged. “I thought I could persuade myself I was strong. But I’m not.”

“What’s wrong?”

Nod was gazing into the distance toward the thunderous cascading waters. As Arvid looked at him more closely, she saw that he had been crying. His cheeks had the barely visible traces of dried tears, and in his eyes she saw pain and grief.

“I’ll soon have to leave here,” he said. “I feel… homeless. The past few years Vero-Maghen was my home, then I came here, but… I don’t know what comes next.”

“You don’t want to go back and continue your studies?”

“After what happened there? No. Besides, I can’t afford it. Once we reach Karst… my trade with Loke is complete.”

“I still don’t understand what your agreement with him is,” Arvid admitted.

“My… agreement with Loke was… formulated rather simply. He pays my school fees and I… I do whatever he tells me to, until he no longer needs me.”

“And you agreed to that?”

Nod looked at his folded hands in his lap. “I’m grateful,” he said. “Where others left me in the lurch, he offered me help. I’ve never regretted it, not really. Although Loke often made me do things that were contrary to my nature. I constantly had to delude Gerdur. This was perhaps the worst part.”

“You miss him, don’t you?” Arvid asked softly.

Nod was about to answer, but then he swallowed and nodded. It was plain to see that he was already fighting back tears again.

For a while they were silent, then Arvid said, “You could have given Loke a letter. Maybe… Gerdur would forgive you.”

Nod didn’t answer immediately, but when he finally did, his voice was no more than a whisper. “I don’t know if I want to find out.”

They were silent again and looked over into the distance to the mountains, that were vanishing in the dark. Arvid understood Nod, better than she would have liked, because he showed her her own situation. She didn’t know what her future held either. She, too, had lost her home, in fact, twice. If all went well, she would be able to return to her world in a few weeks, but oddly enough it was precisely this thought that made her uneasy. In the Light World several years would have passed. She had no idea what she would find and if her home even still existed.

“You know,” Nod said eventually, “at the moment I would be completely satisfied to be able to stay here.” A fleeting smile played on his lips. “I wouldn’t mind being your and Loke’s servant.”

“You’re my friend, not my servant,” Arvid said firmly. “Besides, that would imply that I keep living under a roof with Loke, and… I don’t think any of us want that.”

Nod turned away from the mountains and looked at her. “Really?” he asked.

Arvid looked back at him and felt her heart began to beat faster. “Well, I… I don’t know,” she admitted hesitantly, staring at her feet.

“I understand. I really do. Nothing that has to do with Loke is simple.”

For a while they were silent, then Nod suddenly asked, “Do you know the story about Loke’s second wife Sigvin?”

Arvid shook her head.

“There are a few old books, where you can read it,” Nod said. “They say she was a beautiful goddess, who loved Loke deeply. She accepted his torn nature and all his flaws. No matter what he was doing and how deep he fell, she always stayed at his side. Together they had two sons, Loke’s pride, and they lived in a castle and were very happy.”

Arvid looked at him doubtfully. “That sounds… I don’t know…”

“Too good to be true?” suggested Nod.

“Yes, something like that.”

“It’s nothing more than a lie,” Nod said with a sigh. “One of many tall tales that Loke has thought up. But hardly anyone knows why.”

“How do you know?” said Arvid.

“It’s one of the things Loke had entrusted my father with on one of their long evenings. I chanced to hear it, but… I have never forgotten it. Apparently… there was someone, this woman named Sigvin. She was very fond of Loke, but she didn’t know who he was. Loke made a serious mistake, at least he said so… He admitted that he developed affection for her. She meant so much to him that he eventually began to open up to her. But when Sigvin learned who he really was, she was shocked. For her he had only been a handsome man, but she couldn’t cope with the truth. She had fallen in love with the most insignificant thing that defines Loke as a being—one of his fleeting appearances.”

“Isn’t… the appearance of their body important for shapeshifters at all?” Arvid asked uncertainly.

“That’s not what I mean,” Nod said. “Just because we can change our bodies doesn’t mean we don’t care about our appearance. But it’s a choice and not an integral part of ourselves. It’s as if someone fell in love with your dress. You think the person really loves you. But when they see you naked for the first time, they are disgusted and so shocked, they no longer want you. After such an experience, how easy would it be for you to trust someone?”

“Very difficult,” admitted Arvid.

“For a being like Loke, who was accustomed to being virtually untouchable, the shock must have been even greater. In this point, he has to contend with the same as any shapeshifter. It’s hard, almost impossible, to find someone who loves you in spite of the variability of your body. And someone like Loke… Well, he drives it to the extreme. His innermost being is dark, his soul pure chaos. It’s almost as fickle as his appearance; there is nothing to hold on to… Who could ever love something like that?”

Arvid felt Nod’s gaze resting on her.

“Maybe I… could,” she said haltingly.

“I know. That’s why I’m telling you all this. You once said Loke was beautiful, and I thought it was just about appearances. However, over the past months, I realized that Loke made no effort to maintain the same shape in your presence. When you said he was beautiful… you didn’t mean his body.”

Arvid wanted to object, but then she stopped. Deep down, she knew that Nod was right. She longed for Loke, not for an attractive human body, but for him as a whole, as an entity, to which the variability of his body belonged like light to a fire. But she was afraid. This wasn’t a kind of affection she knew and understood. It was illogical and irrational. Arvid didn’t know what would happen if she gave up her resistance to it.

“What you feel for him is real,” said Nod. “Loke may have many flaws, and, yes, I fear him. But if he can make you happy, I’ll do what I can to help you.”

Arvid gently shook her head. “Loke can’t make me happy,” she said. “My heart is trying to tell me that he could, but… my eyes, my ears and my head show me an entirely different picture.”

“Because you’re constantly arguing?” asked Nod. “It might get better.”

“There’s so much more, Nod. The way he treats you and others, his changeable character, his irreverence and… everything. If only a tiny part of the stories I’ve read are true, then I would break from it.” She sighed deeply. “Besides, he doesn’t like me much. I’m getting on his nerves.”

“That’s because he doesn’t know your true feelings. If you really want to get through to him, you have to show him that you know his true nature and accept it. Otherwise he will never admit that he likes you.”

Again Arvid shook her head. “Impossible. I can hardly talk to him without starting a fight. He’s hurtful, repellent, cold. And when he’s not, he’s playing with me.” She reached for Nod’s hand and squeezed it gently. “I thank you for your support, Nod,” she said. “I wish it were that simple, but… Even if Loke should reciprocate my feelings one day… it would not work. My home and my happiness are in the Light World.”

Nod smiled wistfully.

Loke returned earlier than expected, after six days, and before Arvid knew it, the moment of their departure was there.

Loke was in a particularly bad mood. From the early morning, he shooed Nod around to gather the last things, and when they finally headed out, he went a few steps ahead in dogged silence. The evening before, Arvid had made a last tour through the caves that had been her home for the past few months. As they left the small group of rocks behind and crossed the plateau north, her heart felt heavy. She would never return to this place.

Their luggage was light, because a difficult climb was ahead, as Loke had explained. They merely carried victuals, weapons and blankets, but Arvid knew that several villages and two cities were on their way, where they could equip themselves for the last part of their trip.

Loke had not exaggerated. At the northern end of the plateau ran something that hardly could be described as a path, and for a while they climbed more than they walked. Nod, who was carrying most of their things, soon fell back. As Arvid finally reached the ledge above them and sat down next to Loke, she was exhausted and completely drenched in sweat.

It was just getting bright. The plateau was far below them, no longer brown and gray, but green and lush, interspersed with yellow and red patches where flowers grew. At one point Arvid could see the rocks between which the entrance to Loke’s caves was hidden. Behind them, in the distance, Jördendheim’s hills dimly spread. The sky was clear and cloudless. The warm light of the sun devoured the stars to the horizon, but still made for a glowing sea of colors. It was a swirling play of blue, purple and pink, punctuated by traces of deep black, from which the white light of the stars pierced out.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

As Arvid turned her head, she met Loke’s attentive eyes. They were of an intense, almost unnaturally green color. Although she had to agree with him that the country looked truly enchanting from here, the sight of Loke still outshone it.

Soon they set out again and now followed a better fortified path.

“At this height you rarely come across demons,” Loke said. “The mountain villages have no circles of protection. A few guards are enough, in case a single demon or wild animals should find their way here.”

“Then I’m surprised that not more people live up here,” Arvid said.

“Now, in summer, it may seem acceptable. But in winter it’s no bed of roses to live up here. Even I prefer to spend the winter months in the lowlands. It’s difficult to persuade the villagers to sell their stocks.”

Toward the evening they reached the ridge. As soon as they had crossed it, a vast, gently sloping meadow spread out before them. Not far away a group of small houses could be seen, whose star lamps glowed blue and green in the dark.

“Uldurtarn, about forty inhabitants,” said Loke. “I often stay here, but there is no hostel.”

He led them to a tiny house that stood a bit away. A fat man in shabby clothes opened the door. When he recognized Loke, he threw himself on the floor in front of him and in one breath offered him so many favors and services, Arvid wondered how he could still breathe.

“Calm down, Mogil,” Loke said, annoyed, and shook the man energetically off his leg. “My companions and I need a place to sleep.”

“My wife and I will sleep in the barn,” the man said excitedly, and bowed again. “Unfortunately, we have only two beds—I’m inconsolable! I’ll immediately prepare another den.”

“That would be the least you could do,” Loke said coolly.

Arvid stared at him in disbelief. “Loke!” she exclaimed. “This is his home! We can sleep in the barn.”

“They’re only humans!” Loke retorted and glared at her angrily. “A night in the barn will hardly do them any harm.”

“Nor us,” Arvid hissed at him. Mogil looked back and forth between them, aghast, and seemed unsure what he should do.

“We are gods!” Loke said indignantly. “We don’t sleep in the barns of some stinking peasants.”

“
We
are gods?” said Arvid, dumbfounded. “I think your megalomania is slowly fogging your thoughts. I’ll sleep in the barn! And I expect that you pay this man in return.”

“Please,” Mogil pleaded in a submissive tone, “a payment is not necessary.”

“Quiet!”Arvid snapped at him.

Scared, Mogil took a step back. She almost felt sorry for him, for her anger wasn’t directed at him, but at Loke. In all the time she had stayed in the isolation of the mountains, she had almost forgotten how disrespectfully Loke treated ordinary people. For him, they were not worth more than bugs.

“All right then!” Loke finally exploded and abruptly turned to Mogil. “We’ll take your damn barn! But at the very least I expect you’ll bring this lady,” he made a gesture in the direction of Arvid, “a few furs.”

“Of course!” Mogil croaked almost panicked and again bowed almost to his toes. He gradually retreated, then stormed off into the house and excitedly started to shout after his wife. Loke looked at Arvid with undisguised contempt. She coldly stared back at him.

The next day they went a little up toward the valley, but then turned to the east and went up another ridge. Around noon they reached the tree line and soon wandered through a bleak landscape of boulders, grass and lean herbs. In the shadow of the larger rocks was still snow, and the wind had become more icy. Clouds appeared, but they were spared from the rain. It was only when they had found shelter in a small cave late at night that the first drops began to fall.

It was a freezing and restless night. The next day they moved on very early; still Loke constantly complained about the fact that Arvid and Nod were too slow and needed too many breaks. Drizzle fell off and on throughout the day. It looked as if they were completely surrounded by clouds that devoured everything that was more than a few steps away.

Around noon they reached the mountain saddle. There, a large rock had been erected, on which the names of the surrounding villages and towns were carved.

“We will soon reach Erendal, a small town,” Loke said to Arvid as they passed the place, “although it’s relatively secluded, the messengers from Asgard come there. There will be people who know that you’re wanted.”

“Is it known that you’re with me?”

“No. They are only looking for you. Nod was kidnapped by you. He is a poor but free man as long as he adheres to my story.”

Arvid gasped audibly. “What do you mean, he was kidnapped by me?” she asked sharply. “Your story makes me a criminal.”

Loke laughed. “You’re one anyway.”

“No I’m not!”

Loke paused abruptly. “Let’s see… you have poisoned two farmers with rustnettle, you’ve resisted Asgard’s wishes, you have robbed a man of the City Guard of his eyesight and you have refused to turn yourself in to the gods for months.” He raised his hands in a clueless gesture. “I think a kidnapping is only a detail.”

Loke’s words were like a slap in the face. For a while he looked at her in amusement, gloating over her reaction, then he simply turned around and walked off. Arvid remained on the spot until Nod arrived, put an arm around her shoulders and pushed her on. She had never thought about what had happened to the guard they had hurt on their flight. Now she knew, and the thought was appalling.

“Oh god… He is… blind?” she stammered.

“Don’t blame yourself,” Nod said in a hushed voice. “It was an accident. We both knew that the guards had the authority to use force. You were just defending yourself.”

Arvid wished Nod was right. But the man had merely held and shaken her, not threatened her. He had not pulled a weapon and had made no move to do her harm. Arvid had only wanted to break away to help Nod, but for an unknown reason the darkness inside her had driven her to attack the man.

On their way down, they passed two small clusters of houses that hardly deserved to be called a village. However, Loke made no effort to stay in one of these places. Now and then they wandered through small groups of pines. Toward the evening they reached a dense, dark forest. The clouds had cleared in some places, again, and so here and there the bright starry sky shone through the black treetops.