Frank Derrick's Holiday of a Lifetime (30 page)

EPILOGUE

Frank was lost in LA again. Somewhere in the back streets of Venice, he suddenly had no idea where he was or in which direction he was headed. Then he was in a strange parking lot and in the middle of a college campus and then he was up in the sky. He clicked out of the online map and started again. He was back on Euclid Street now, a road that he recognized. He tapped the glass of Jimmy’s tablet computer with his fingertip until the arrow at the centre of the road moved him forward ten yards at a time. He made his way past the jogger and the police car until he was outside the small house with the tree beside it. He was almost expecting to see Beth standing outside the open front door waiting for him, barefoot and wearing a baggy grey sweatshirt and matching trousers. Or maybe she would be sitting on a striped garden chair on the communal lawn, drinking tea or stroking Bill who sunbathed next to her with a length of string attached to his stars-and-stripes collar.

Frank looked over at the cat who was fast asleep in front of the gas fire, possibly dreaming of the time that he’d spent in America and thinking about Beth or Laura stroking and tickling him. After they’d returned from their holiday, Frank had tried to be more hands-on with Bill but even with his illegible face Frank knew that Bill found the uncharacteristically tactile show of affection just as uncomfortable and awkward as Frank did. When Frank had tried talking to him in a high-pitched voice, Bill had simply looked up at him as though he was insane.

Frank was waiting for his weekend video call from America. Every Saturday or Sunday he’d chat online with Beth, Laura or Jimmy and sometimes all three of them squashed together on the sofa and they would talk about their day, Frank’s that was almost over and Beth’s, Laura’s and Jimmy’s day that was just beginning. Occasionally the screen of the tablet would freeze and Frank would need to reset it in the way that Jimmy had shown him so that they could reconnect and pick up with their chat where they left off. But sometimes Frank would wait for a moment, holding the still image of Beth, Laura and Jimmy in his hands like a framed photograph. He thought about clearing a space on the mantelpiece and putting it there, next to the picture of him and Sheila taken in a Portuguese hotel bar on their last holiday together, the whole family reunited again on the mantelpiece amongst all the giraffes.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

THANKS GIVING

Thank you, Nicola Barr at Greene and Heaton and Natasha Harding at Pan Macmillan. Thank you, Becky Plunkett, Eloise Wood and everyone at Pan Macmillan. Thank you, Kate Rizzo. Thank you, Jacqueline and thank you, Holly. Thank you, Mum and Becca. Thank you, Marc Ollington and Neil Witherow, Les Fruitbat Carter, Tim Connery and Chris T-T. Thanks to Jonathan and Justine and Karen at the Bookseller Crow in Crystal Palace. Thank you, Emma and Marc Ollington and Cerise and Mark Hallam Larkin for unwittingly allowing me to do some advance research while I stayed at your Los Angeles homes pretending to be on holiday. Thanks to all the bloggers and readers and reviewers and everyone else who said such nice things about the first Frank Derrick book and – fingers crossed – this one too.

The Extra Ordinary Life of Frank Derrick, Age 81

J. B. Morrison

Frank Derrick is eighty-one. And he’s just been run over by a milk float.

It was tough enough to fill the hours of the day when he was active. But now he’s broken his arm and fractured his foot, it looks set to be a very long few weeks ahead. Frank lives with his cat Bill (which made more sense before Ben died) in the typically British town of Fullwind-on-Sea. The Villages in Bloom competition is the topic of conversation amongst his neighbours but Frank has no interest in that. He watches DVDs, spends his money frivolously at the local charity shop and desperately tries to avoid the cold callers continually knocking on his door.

Then a breath of fresh air comes into his life in the form of Kelly Christmas, home help. With her little blue car and appalling parking, her cheerful resilience and ability to laugh at his jokes, Kelly changes Frank’s extra ordinary life. She reminds him that there is a big wide world beyond the four walls of his flat and that adventures, however small, come to people of all ages.

Frank and Kelly’s story is sad and funny, moving, familiar, uplifting. It is a small and perfect look at a life neither remarkable nor disastrous, but completely extraordinary nonetheless. For fans of
The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry
, this is a quirky, life-affirming story that has enormous appeal. And it’s guaranteed to make you laugh.

The Little Old Lady Who Broke All the Rules

Catharina Ingleman-Sundberg

79-year-old Martha Andersson dreams of escaping her care home and robbing a bank.

She has no intention of spending the rest of her days in an armchair and is determined to fund her way to a much more exciting lifestyle. Along with her four oldest friends – otherwise known as the League of Pensioners – Martha decides to rebel against all of the regulations imposed upon them. Together, they cause uproar: protesting against early bedtimes and plasticky meals.

As the elderly friends become more daring, they hatch a cunning plan to break out of the dreary care home and land themselves in a far more attractive Stockholm establishment. With the aid of their Zimmer frames, they resolve to stand up for old-age pensioners everywhere. And that’s when the adventure really takes off . . .

‘A good-natured, humorous crime caper’

Independent on Sunday

The Little Old Lady Who Struck Lucky Again!

Catharina Ingelman-Sundberg

The little old lady is back! This time, Martha Andersson and her friends – the League of Pensioners – have left behind their dreary care home in Stockholm and are enjoying the bright lights of Las Vegas.

This is their opportunity for a new lease of life and they plan to make the most of it. But before long, they are up to their old tricks. And with ingenious tactics, a pair of false teeth and a wheelchair each, they plot to outwit the security system at one of the casinos. As their antics become more and more daring, Martha and her friends head back to Sweden to continue their money-making schemes. However, they aren’t the only ones planning on stealing bucket loads of cash and soon find themselves pitted against a gang of dangerous criminals.

Can the group of elderly friends work together to outsmart the younger robbers and get away with their biggest heist yet? Or will this job be a step too far for the League of Pensioners?

The Time of Their Lives

Maeve Haran

The must-read novel for anyone who wasn’t born yesterday . . .

Each month best friends Claudia, Sal, Ella and Laura meet for drinks, celebrating over forty years of friendship. They know each other inside out. Their ambitions, careers, husbands, lovers, children, hopes, fears, the paths taken and not taken . . .

Sal had spent a lifetime building a career as a magazine editor but she hadn’t banked on a nasty surprise from the one area of her life over which she had no control.

Claudia loved her urban existence – the thought of the country sent shivers down her spine. But, as many women will know, other people’s needs always seem to come first . . .

Ella is ready to try something different. But she hadn’t bargained on quite such a radical change . . .

Laura succumbed to the oldest cliché in the book. But it didn’t make it any easier to accept.

Outside of the supportive world of their friendships, they find their lives are far from what they expected – the generation that wanted to change the world didn’t bargain on getting old.

A truthful, provocative, funny and inspiring novel,
The Time of their Lives
asks hard questions about what the world offers women as they get older, and finds both moving and joyously uplifting answers in the different ways the four friends celebrate their coming of age.

Praise for J. B. Morrison

‘Quirky, funny and uplifting experience’
Candis
magazine

‘Seriously heart-warming’
EasyFet Traveller
magazine

‘The sort of enduring tale that can be a lesson, a comfort and a hope’
The Upcoming

‘A lovely funny read’
My Reading Corner

‘Reminds you to grab hold of life and make sure you take all chances with both hands’
Sam’s Book Corner

‘I was hooked on the novel and couldn’t put it down’
Erin’s Choice

‘Jim is a quiet observer of people, and
Frank Derrick
is his best novel’ Andrew Collins

‘Fantastic, a truly one of a kind novel’
Becca’s Books

‘I put it down, and I phoned my mum’ Lloyd Shepherd

‘Frank Derrick will remain in my thoughts for quite some time’
Beady Jan’s Bookshelf

‘It is an effortless read with laughs and substance’ Cassy Fry

‘Gives me the warm fuzzies. Just go. Right now. Go and read it’ Sarah Smiles

‘I give this book 5 out of 5’
A Lover of Books

‘Isn’t it beautiful when a book touches you so much’

Lost in Chick Lit

‘Touches of Samuel Beckett’s bleak wit’
Book Face

‘A funny and uplifting story that is also life-affirming’

Handwritten Girl

‘I LOVED Frank Derrick’
Reading in the Sunshine

‘An enjoyable, funny and moving read’

From First Page to Last

‘Sweet, sad, truthful, very funny, life-affirming and uplifting’

Something You Said

‘Frank could teach us all something about not giving up on our hopes and dreams’
Our Book Reviews

‘Had me laughing out loud so many times’

Random Things Through My Letterbox

‘The humour had me in actual fits! I read on the train and to save myself from laughing hysterically on a quiet train, I ended up sniggering through my nose! It was highly embarrassing’
Laura’s little book blog

‘So well written, from the humorous to the sadder parts’

Reviewed the Book

FRANK DERRICK’S HOLIDAY OF A LIFETIME

J. B. Morrison is a London author of this and three other novels –
Storage Stories, Driving Jarvis Ham
and
The Extra Ordinary Life of Frank Derrick, Age 81
, and also
Goodnight Jim Bob, On the Road with Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine
, an autobiographical account of his ten years as the singer of a chart-topping punkpop band.

Find out more about J. B. Morrison at

http://www.jim-bob.co.uk/

or on Twitter @mrjimBob

Also by J. B. Morrison

The Extra Ordinary Life of Frank Derrick, Age 81

First published in 2015 by Pan Books

This electronic edition published 2015 by Pan Books

an imprint of Pan Macmillan, a division of Macmillan Publishers Limited

Pan Macmillan, 20 New Wharf Road, London N1 9RR

Basingstoke and Oxford

Associated companies throughout the world

www.panmacmillan.com

ISBN 978-1-4472-9202-9

Copyright © J. B. Morrison 2015

Cover illustration by
nathanburtondesign.com

The right of J. B. Morrison to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, organizations and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, places, organizations or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

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